I want to die but I'm not suicidal.

[secretlover]

Hi all.

 

I'm sad - very sad. For the past seven years I've been in school and sixth form and I've just left having finished my a-levels.

 

I look back on everything that has happened. All the guys and gals I've loved and lost, all the pain I've felt. Always makes me laugh in a funny sort of way. The schools anti-bullying poI licy - some guy hit me - I hit back in self defence and got excluded for it - gotta love it!!

 

I'm so sad, but I won't kill myself - yet I want to die. I'll step onto the road without looking both ways hoping a car will hit me. I stood on the ferry the other day before my high school prom, willing it to sink. To hit a f***ing iceberg!!

 

I go out and get pissed, and become irritable. Some guy kicks off, and I continue, hoping he'll hit me, hoping he'll beat me to death, but he never does.

 

And then it all changes - the next day I'm happy, cheerful, and ready to have a great day and night. Wine bars, drinking with friends, going on the pull.

 

Then back to this. Wash, rinse, repeat.

[NightLily]

Is there anything you look forward to in the future?

[secretlover]

I want to see my grandad again.

[NightLily]

Then hold onto that and don't let go of a vision of just something in your future. When you have absolutely no concept of anything in the future, that is when you know you are heading for trouble. I guess because no matter how bad the present is, you have something to push through it for. Even if it is the silliest thing.

 

I have also gone through the risky behavior thing. So much so I was dating a guy who was seriously sexually asaulting me. I really just didn't give a * * * * and also felt sort of.. invinsible with a through the roof sex drive. I was later diagnosed Bipolar II.

 

If this is serious for you, would you consider counseling?

[derelict]

Secretlover: Is your grandad still alive? I hate to ask that of you but in the event that he isn't, focusing on that for the future maybe isn't such a good idea...

 

SuzyQ: Excuse me if your risky behavior story has been discussed somewhere else on this site as I am new here... That is very disturbing and I'm really glad you wrote it in past tense to say the least...

[secretlover]

My Granddad died nine years ago. I have recently considered that I may be bipolar. I honestly don't know.

[NightLily]

Well you can't diagnose yourself. If you moods are flipping by the day it isn't likely but possible. How are you sleeping habits? As in, do you sometimes sleep extreme amounts for over two weeks and then at times close to none but with lots of energy (without caffeine/drugs etc)..

 

But it doesn't even matter too much what the answer is. If this is getting in the way of you keeping up with daily life, you should seek professional help. But, I would warn you to NOT make a mountain out of a mole hill to them or you could end up on some strong meds and a wrong diagnoses. I would aim for the minimum treatment needed for you to function. If you have no problems with that, I really would avoid the meds if I was you.

[dcaptain]

Hey, I would seriously recommend counseling if you haven't tried it before and it is available. It really is amazing what talking through some things can do. It doesn't have to be under the guise of being treated for X, Y, or Z - everyone has problems, and it's a good first step towards figuring things out. Seriously.

 

All the best.

[secretlover]

I have tried counselling before but gave up on it. I'm not the type of person to tell all to someone I don't know.

 

And I'm already on Diazapam. Have been for a year.

[derelict]

I have problems talking to people too, even on this site...

I hate to point this out but right now you have had 158 views of this thread and I doubt you intimately know all of us! Of course, I understand that anonymity alters the equation a bit. Anyway, if you aren't comfortable with talking to someone you don't know in person, either try going to counseling and get to know that person or talk to someone you know already. I would just warn to choose wisely.