Need advice

[akkan]

Hello all,

 

I found this site while looking on the web for advice is this tricky area. Im 31 yrs old, and i have found myself in love with an 18 year old. Now go give some background on this situtation... it started about 1 year ago, i meet this nice young lady at a banquet, I've known her parents for some time too, but never really paid attention to there daughter. but she was 17 then and i started talking to her because there was no one else around to talk to. over the course of the year, we chatted on line, she would phone me and we would talk...etc. she started droping suttle hints that she liked me...and at first i said that the age difference is just to great, and while i really liked her, i said no...just friends. She agreed with it and we talked more and more... and the other people started to ask me about "us"...and i would say no were just friends....but we continued to talk, and finally i realized that i could not stop thinking about her. She was in my head all the time...and then i noticed that she was really coming on to me, just the way she was talking etc. and again i said no...to much age diff. but there is just something about her. Now one of my questoins is how much age diff is to much, because the way i feel about her i have NEVER felt before...honestly...and i was once engaged to be married! the other thing that i have a question on is: she still lives at home and doesnt want to disapoint her parents to badly, and the disaprove of us having a relationship. Honestly, im not 20, and dont get me wrong, sex is great...(and no i have not had sex with her) but thats not all that im looking for (hell anyone can just have sex) im looking for more. Sure there has to be a physical connection, and yes there is...but there is also a very stong mental connection with her too...we like the same things, we get along great, we finish each others sentences...etc. How could i talk to her dad and let him and his wife know how i feel about their daughter? what can i say to convience him that im not there to take advantage of her. I absolutely love just spending time with her...and right now we are "sneeking" around her parents so we can see each other, and i hate that. but its the only way that i can see her. Now just so you know...I have known her dad for 4 years, and we do website designs together...and to date he has menchioned nothing to me about this...I have asked her what she wants, and she wants to be with me. now i look at the worldly experences that i have had, and she has not...and i think could it work...I really believe in that there is a perfect match for everyone...and that your life will present this person to you. I honestly feel that she is it...i have never had feelings like this. Honestly it makes me very happy to see her happy...and before i started seeing her i never cared about that it was all about me and my happiness...I really only have had 3 g-friends in my life because i am picky...and she is not what i would have chose for me to be involved with...really way off my type. she is pretty, but i alway found my self actracted to blonde blue eye women...she is brunett (cant spell) and brown eye...but i find my self captivated by her physical prauless (ok im babbling somewhat) she has "awaken" me. I feel more alive with her then with out. the sun is brighter, the nights have more stars; but what to do...I know that my feelings for her are not of lust...but i truly love this girl...please help with any advice that you can...Im not one to just jump in...i like to think things through somewhat....

 

sincerely,

 

luv struck and confused

[Sn0man]

Your in a pretty tight spot. This girl is 18 and you're 31. You work with her father. (ouch).

 

Sounds like you really care for her though. Well, I'm no expert in this area, but the way I see it, if it works, it works. I've known several people in my lifetime who date people far outside their age range; its not unheard of.

 

I think the hardest thing for you 2 as a couple will be working it out with her family. Families are sometimes a difficult thing to deal with, as I have learned from my own experience; but if it's worth it to the both of you to deal with this difficult situation (RE: the parents), then by all means, go with it. You only live once.

 

Best of luck in this tight spot

[Evil_Bunny]

I have been there, ok I'm not 31, but I have done the looking on the web for the answer. But I don't think you are asking the right question. What you really want to know is it ok with everyone, and thats easy to answer. No! But you know that anyway. It's the parents you need to get the ok with. No body else matters! Seeking around is not going to help things. Work out what you want. If you do want to be with this girl then you need to talk to her dad. (He is not your mate anymore.) It needs to come from you first. Otherwise how will that make you look

[Peppercorn Kasel]

Hello akkan. I don't see a problem here insofar as you and she are concerned. If you are mutually compatible as you say then that's what matters most. Unless you are living in a state or province where the age of majority is not 18 -- (Did you know that in Nebraska it's 19, so 18 year olds are still under their parents' control and can't sign contracts or get married without parental consent?) -- her parents won't be able to intervene and should realize that it's wrong to attempt to stop it simply based on an age difference of 13 years.

 

The fact that you enjoy talking with her and that you see the world more brightly because of her is significant. Don't let her go if you think this is right. A long time ago I felt these feelings about a classmate for whom the feeling was mutual but due to a tragic sequence of events we lost each other after only one day and it crippled me in the area of romance for almost a full decade (but in a bittersweet way improved my life in many other significant areas). If there is any lesson to learn from my experience, which I detailed in the Relationships forum here last month, it is that you must not destroy situations that seem to be ideal for leading to romance with, to use your phrases, "a perfect match" who "your life will present...to you". I've been waiting for another perfect match to reveal herself ever since and have not found one.

 

I am not in your situation but it could theoretically happen to me because while I'm 29 I still look like I'm 22 or 23 and can relate to adults of any age. My personal preference has always been to find someone who's at least my brother's age, so since he's 21 currently I'd find someone around (at least) 21 or 22 to be ideal. And for me that's reinforced by the fact that my intellectual level is equal to people in their 40s and 50s, so college graduates are best. But I don't think it helps me that I look younger and yet act and talk older than my actual age. In some ways I'm ahead of my age and in other ways behind; for instance I learned to drive the same year my brother did (when I was 24 and he was 16) and got a credit card shortly before he did (25 and 18), but on the other hand accomplished some other goals (career and financial) years and even decades before other people. I'm such a unique individual, too, that I always seem distinguished from others anyway.

 

From the perspective of her biological youth and your experience in life this relationship makes sense, because many 18 year old guys would be bad matches for her, and this gives you both plenty of time in case you eventually want to have children, since women have declining reproductive systems after age 26.

 

Did you know that Humphrey Bogart fell for Lauren Bacall when she was only 18 and he was 44, and they stayed together till he died?

[Hopingpraying]

Akkan,

 

I see a couple of problems here:

 

1. The age difference, you two are at different points in your life, and while 13 years is not huge, the point in your lives are.

 

2. I can see her being in lust with you. I question whether she is truley in love. Most people at 18 have not experienced enough relationships to know what they are truly looking for. Yours could be the exception but I doubt it.

 

3. I could see you really getting hurt in this relationship. You have her parents to deal with, her inexperience in relationships. I could see you going through a very similar thing that I am right now. And it is not fun. I would caution you against it, but I know how love is. I don't question for a second your love for her. I do question her commitment to you. Soon she will be 21 and you will be 34. Those are two very different points in each of your lives. She will be wanting to start going to the bar, you will want to be starting a family. It is tough to work those two things out and then you throw in the fact you have to sneak around behind her parents backs and it makes it very tough.

 

 

My wife and I, soon to be ex-wife, started dating when she had just turned 17. I was 21 at the time. I was really her first relationship. I feel right now we are getting a divorce because she feels she needs to go out and experience other men. She would give different reasons, but I really feel this is the case.

 

Be careful. I hope it works out for you.

[akkan]

First off i want to thank everyone for posting here to help me. and here is what im thinking. i do find that the age diff could be hard to over come, as she is in different life stages...but as someone once said it is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. I can see that the odds are stacked against us, but love is a gamble, i just hope not to shoot craps. In my delima, this situtation deserves some serious thought and some serious talking. I have aranged a meeting with my girl to discuss our endevers, and if she truly (and i dont think that this is a phase for her) wants to be with me, then i have to bite the bullet (maybe litterly bite the bullet, as her dad does carrie a fire arm) and talk to her dad about us...and then logical come to a agreement for the betterment of us. I dont want to break her away from her family, i guess if i was one that preyed on younger women to get what i want i could put her against her dad/mom. but that is just not me...i want her to have a good relationship with her parents, and i dont want to come between it, i hope only to enhance it...I will talk to her dad and tell him how i feel, and hope that he donesnt think that im a pervert that just wants to get into his daughters pants, because that is not the case at all. the other fear that i must address is the one that she will grow (and i want her to). but as she grows i dont want her to look back and say i wish i did this or that. I want her to experence her life, both with me and with out me...for i believe that is the best way to grow. I dont want to be her "dad" by telling her what i think she should do and not do....if that makes sense. Now in thinking about all this i realize that i could get very hurt if i put in 3-5 years and she says i want to leave....or i need space etc, but i hope and prey that will not happen. I guess that trust in what will become is what one has to cling on to...and the fact that if two people are ment to be together nothing will stand in their way. Like i have stated before...she has enhanced my feeling for life, the zest that she brings in to my life is 10 fold...and never before have i felt this way about anyone. I am not afraid to talk to her dad, but i just wonder how to and what to say...i would like for him to see that the age diff is not a bad thing...love is love, and love has no bounds. I can hear it though and im not sure how to handle this perhaps someone can help me with this...If he says you just want my daughter to contol her, and get into her pants....i know that is not ture, there is so much more to this girl, but how can i tactfully address this issue. If i come right out and say i dont want to just have sex with his daughter, i can see flaws in that...like oh so you want to have sex with her then huh. and if i say i dont want to have sex with her...then i can see the oppisite "what is she not good enough for you?" perhaps i need to really think out my every answer, or perhaps shooting from the hip is best...not sure, but i do know that i need to talk to him on a one on one level, and at that point he will no longer be my friend. or perhaps i could open with something like " you and i are friends, however in a few seconds i expect that you wont be" or " you and i are friends, and i dont want to rune that friendship and i hope that we can remain friends after i tell you want i need to tell you. Im in love with your daughter..." and then continue with the reasons and stuff??? what do you think?

 

i hate keeping secrets like this...its really eating me up...what do you think i should do?