Peppercorn Kasel

Hello akkan. I don't see a problem here insofar as you and she are concerned. If you are mutually compatible as you say then that's what matters most. Unless you are living in a state or province where the age of majority is not 18 -- (Did you know that in Nebraska it's 19, so 18 year olds are still under their parents' control and can't sign contracts or get married without parental consent?) -- her parents won't be able to intervene and should realize that it's wrong to attempt to stop it simply based on an age difference of 13 years. The fact that you enjoy talking with her and that you see the world more brightly because of her is significant. Don't let her go if you think this is right. A long time ago I felt these feelings about a classmate for whom the feeling was mutual but due to a tragic sequence of events we lost each other after only one day and it crippled me in the area of romance for almost a full decade (but in a bittersweet way improved my life in many other significant areas). If there is any lesson to learn from my experience, which I detailed in the Relationships forum here last month, it is that you must not destroy situations that seem to be ideal for leading to romance with, to use your phrases, "a perfect match" who "your life will present...to you". I've been waiting for another perfect match to reveal herself ever since and have not found one. I am not in your situation but it could theoretically happen to me because while I'm 29 I still look like I'm 22 or 23 and can relate to adults of any age. My personal preference has always been to find someone who's at least my brother's age, so since he's 21 currently I'd find someone around (at least) 21 or 22 to be ideal. And for me that's reinforced by the fact that my intellectual level is equal to people in their 40s and 50s, so college graduates are best. But I don't think it helps me that I look younger and yet act and talk older than my actual age. In some ways I'm ahead of my age and in other ways behind; for instance I learned to drive the same year my brother did (when I was 24 and he was 16) and got a credit card shortly before he did (25 and 18), but on the other hand accomplished some other goals (career and financial) years and even decades before other people. I'm such a unique individual, too, that I always seem distinguished from others anyway. From the perspective of her biological youth and your experience in life this relationship makes sense, because many 18 year old guys would be bad matches for her, and this gives you both plenty of time in case you eventually want to have children, since women have declining reproductive systems after age 26. Did you know that Humphrey Bogart fell for Lauren Bacall when she was only 18 and he was 44, and they stayed together till he died?

Hi sprkal, I think you misinterpreted things a bit in your second comment. I am not obsessed by her anymore, I got over her for the most part when I graduated from high school in 1993, and then totally in September 1999 when I told my mom the whole story and cried it out several times. It's the memory that haunts me still because there are still consequences - the memory of making such a mistake comes back once every few months and particularly around my birthdays. Who can forget their most influential teacher, or their first love-at-first-sight? She was both for me. I furthermore did not contact or work directly with her family when I was promoting their website or the book, but did it without drawing attention to myself, and it did help in the healing process. I wanted to learn about her family to maybe discover what may have given her such a warm and outgoing personality and how, by extension, that touched me. It happened that a local bookstore had a copy of that book so I read it and found it interesting and decided to sell copies of it since I have had success selling other books also. When her marriage announcement was published it said they were now living in my city, so I was just curious to see in what neighborhood. I have no intention of going there or calling or writing to her, just as I had no intention of calling her parents' home even back in 1990 because it seemed inappropriate. Remember that you, on the other hand, actually initially said I should "Seek her out", which is wrong now - unlike four years ago when she was still (technically) single and I actually did try to find her. Moreover, I already have made a new life for myself in several ways, several times, since then, and always look for new interests, new places to go, new people to know. This is because I don't let things like this hold me back from living the best life I can. As I articulated earlier, I used what happened as a learning experience, and all that summer I figured out how to make my life better. I am not who I was then; I thought I had made that clear. I also deliberately went to a college where no one else from my high school went, so as to help me along the journey towards my new life, and cut off all contact with people from this period. As I was thinking yesterday I realized that I may have written a letter to her in the summer of 1990, and that maybe it was at that time that I had given her my phone number, and not in the yearbook. I certainly didn't get any reply to any letter I may have sent. Whether that was meant to be I can't say. There are many possible scenarios that could have taken place and didn't just by chance. The hard thing was seeing the next year's (1991) yearbook where she looked even more beautiful and her eyes had a special sparkle even in the photograph, reminding me of what I had personally witnessed on the dancefloor. And then again in the 1992 and 1993 yearbooks. And not until 1999 was I truly free of this repressed memory which had held me back from romantic relationships. I also object to your use of the word "decision" since what happened then was not a conscious decision but a childhood tendency to withdraw from particularly stressful group activities. That was one of the tendencies I was able to kill off as a result of this event. What I'm saying is that my chance of spontaneously running into and having a deep conversation with a single woman who has the same qualities as her now is rare since we are living in different times where everything is very compartmentalized, people are both more connected (technologically) and more isolated (from their communities and even their neighbors), a lot of people are miserable or unemployed, a lot of women (and men, too) have unrealistic expectations, and so on. I'm not attending classes anymore, where many good situations can develop, and I'm not working in a large corporation anymore. I also don't really "fit in" with the alcohol-driven, one-night-stand kind of nightlife of this country where you can't even converse with other people because of the volume of the music (even at weddings it's outrageous how loud). And on the streets, in the malls, in restaurants, in bookstores, people have their lives and I have mine, and people don't talk a lot to strangers without a reason. With no replacement for her, closure on the chemical level is not 100%, even if I can forget about her most of the time. That is to say that I feel different when the possibility of a relationship emerges or is underway. I already learned to adjust to the possibility that maybe there won't be a suitable replacement, but also that there might be and that it may happen just as unexpectedly. But in this society men with a few circumstances that I have are considered "losers". Not that I care about what others (who don't really know me) think of me. I know I'm a winner - I turned my life around and have a lot of qualities that draw people to me. However I still can't make this ONE thing called love "right". And I've never discussed relationships as a topic with anyone, except with my mother, who served as my therapist. I used the intervening years (1990-1999) to improve and discover myself and achieve self-actualization (in 1992), so what to do now that I've been ready for 4 years for opportunities I wasn't back then? Sure, I've thought about moving to a new city, but maybe that wouldn't change much, except if somehow I moved to where a lot of people I know live. Given the outrageous housing, insurance, etc. costs of these days my money could be depleted too easily, and to what end when objectively speaking I have it pretty well now.

I agree with those who said not to get a tan when you have a light skin. Tanning is never safe, not even in tanning salons. In some scientific studies, people who tanned in salons were over 50 percent more likely to develop malignant melanoma. Any tanning also increases wrinkling and skin speckling and freckling. Ultraviolet rays are not your friend, no matter where they come from, or whether they are the UVA or UVB forms of radiation. And I personally don't think tans look good on people of Northern European background. I like how naturally darker-skinned people from Latin America and Africa look, but that comes from natural substances in the skin. But there are exceptions even there. Did you know that Bob Marley, who had a white father and a black mother, developed skin cancer, because he had less melanin than people with a greater portion of African ancestry? I speak to you as someone who has porcelain white skin and is 29 but looks more like people in their early 20s.

sprkal, thanks for taking time to reply. You're right, the story has a lot of detail and has been impossible to forget. The problems are: (1) She means to me so much more than I mean to her, (2) She's already married and I don't have a right to interfere in her life, and (3) I can't change the past, but I wish I had been ready for her (and one or two of the college girls) - if only I was then who I am now, with my current knowledge, then things would have turned out very differently. But the feeling of trauma has been lasting a long time, similar to the effects of people who have gone through wars or witnessed violent events. The sequence of events that I described is hard to fathom, where at every key moment she was stolen from me my various circumstances I couldn't control, and how so few words were exchanged. But because ultimately the fault was mine, I feel like I disrupted the natural course of events and have been punished 14 years for this one mistake. I have tried to turn this tragedy into triumph in other areas of my life by following all her advice - to join in with others on enjoyable activities (like I should have joined her with the line dance), to have diversified interests and not be obsessed with school (so that my time is better balanced, while not diminishing my academic efforts), to take the initiative and follow-through on all opportunities (like I should have called her on the phone), and to go with my gut feelings when those feelings are very obvious (and not to let others hold me back when I know it's right). I also am proud of my successful effort to psychologically overcome the effects of the curse in 1999 - as I said, 9 years too late, because I was already 24 and I had lost a lot of time. I do know exactly where she and her husband live, in fact they still live in my city and I know on which street. Corresponding or meeting her could actually be dangerous to my well-being. Plus, I already mentally realize that she isn't now exactly who she was at 14 or 15. But I bet her personality still has that spark that touches others. I don't think she would forget who I am - they say that the first "love at first sight" never gets forgotten. I hope she doesn't think badly of me. Maybe in the same way that she was the catalyst for getting me more involved in life, I was the catalyst for making her realize that she is desirable with males. I was going to email her all the details of her impact back in late 1999 or early 2000 when I found her sister's college email address, but then her sister didn't help me get in touch. The catch-22 aspect to this is the worst: That I needed this to happen to make me who I am today, because if it hadn't happened my life may have been much worse because of my former mental handicaps in social situations, but that time only moves forward and not backward. My life is full of goals, and I've accomplished a lot over the past decade and impacted a lot of people's lives in positive ways. I channeled the vibe in as constructive way as possible. I also found a published essay written by her father, and learned about their family business, which gave me some insight into her family history and where in the U.S. they originally came from (the midwest). I actually have sold (for profit!) quite a lot of copies of the book where her father wrote a chapter, and assisted her family's business website with getting added to appropriate website directories when it just got started, just to give me some peace that I did something to return my appreciation (even though she won't know it).

I have a rather unique situation that I want to share, and want comments and advice about it. It's about a beautiful and intelligent girl with reddish-brown hair I "knew" for a very brief time 14 years ago when I was rather insecure and immature at 15 years old and was finishing ninth grade (two weeks before graduating from junior high school). I wasn't prepared for her bold advances upon me. Partly as a result of my making a tragic mistake near the start of a "date" with her, she both directly and indirectly changed my life for the better, through some kind of magic, but soon afterwards other strange things happened and then she subsequently became the MOST hard-to-find person. The situation started when one day in class she -- who sat directly behind me and whom I had not paid much attention to during the schoolyear except when I watched her give a nice presentation (in another class, where she sat far from me) and when I glanced at her nervously when I'd talk to her friends who I knew better, as she was blossoming very nicely -- in a cute, high-pitched, seductive voice asked me "(MyName) why are you ignoring me?" I started to turn around and told her "I'm not ignoring you!" with a lilt at the end of that phrase, and then I looked into her eyes and said "Oh" and sparks flew instantaneously and mutually! I was surprised that someone would take an interest in me. Right then the bell rang for the class to end and we both had to go to the next class. First she and I stayed a minute or two in the classroom and I don't remember what happened. Then she attempted (apparently without words) to hold my hands and walk down the hall slowly next to me, but I told her I was worried we'd be late for class so I told her I'd see her later and I ran ahead. In retrospect it was absurd to sacrifice this opportunity to hold hands with this girl just to not get a "late" mark, but I'll talk more about my previously excess seriousness below. Then in this next class she asked me, before the whole class that was sitting there silently, "(MyName), will I see you at the dance tonight?" This was embarrassing and I was again unprepared. One of my friends said "I think she really likes you" and that made it worse. I was so scared I told her "No" when I really wanted to say "Yes". Fortunately at the end of that class I found a way to move to another desk in front and as she walked by I told her that in fact I would be attending the dance. She said nothing. (I wanted to talk more, but she had to hurry to catch her bus.) As I walked home I felt the most wonderful feelings of joy and the sky and grass had intense colors. I tried to get ready for the dance but there were only a few hours to prepare and I was still nervous. I made another mistake when I forgot to put on a belt. My wardrobe wasn't fancy back then but I took the best I had and then walked down to the school that night. So I went in and waited near the wall, watching everyone else eating, standing, and dancing while the music played. I think I had some refreshments at that point. After some minutes passed, she came up to me excitedly and said "(MyName) you came!" She led me to the dancefloor and we danced through one or two entire songs, and I saw one of my friends also dancing (with his girlfriend). But I had to watch my beltless shorts to make sure they stayed in the right position and had to hold them up a few times. This limited my freedom of movement. At one point I looked up at her eyes and her gaze and smile were so overwhelming that I totally lost my composure and developed an intense fear of being seen in this situation. Things got worse when the DJ started the "Electric Slide" line dance routine. This broke the dancefloor couples up and brought them all together. I was very hesitant to do this kind of group activity when really all I wanted was to know this one girl better. Somehow she got to the other side of this line that was forming and was apart from me, but several times she urged me to join in with her and join hands with the others, but I was so nervous because at the time I had social phobia. I subtly withdrew, standing in the middle of the floor, and pondered what to do next. The DJ next spun the song "Celebration" but I wasn't celebrating - because she had vanished! I desperately tried to find her accross the whole room (which was huge) for the next half hour or more until the dancing ended and everyone went home. I didn't find her, so I walked home very disappointed in myself for allowing this to happen by my lack of courage and preparation. This was a Friday night. I wanted to phone her that weekend but had fear of calling because what could I say? I couldn't get up the nerve to call. Ironically, now the good parts of the story begin. The shock of the loss imprinted itself in my mind to such an extent that this forced me immediately to start fixing my life. I also found that I had become more like her, endowed with abilities and knowledge I had not had before - my self-confidence was heightened, I was able to have more sustained eye contact with other people, my relationship with my brother improved immensely as I realized I had to treat him better, I was no longer afraid of public speaking or being seen in public, I successfully sought lasting non-superficial friendships both in and out of school, my mind cleared up from all the clutter and irrational worries, my writing skills improved, I was more receptive to input from others, and I improved my wardrobe and started to conform more. Specific example: Two weeks later I gave a prepared speech before the entire auditorium at an honors award ceremony, and afterwards I got several compliments about how I spoke. Previously I had been very unconfident when delivering any sort of talk, even before a small class. During the last two weeks of school I was still in the two classes with her. On the Monday following the dance weekend, during lunch a friend of hers asked me if I'd like to go out with her. I thought this was an insincere copycat plus I wasn't attracted to her so I rejected her offer. I wasn't going to accept an inferior substitute. It got worse when I saw my dream girl in class later that day. Near the beginning of class she got in line to hand something to the teacher, and I was also in line behind her, and while I was watching this guy passionately kissed her ear and stroked her hair and she was smiling. I was speechless, and couldn't speak to her during the next two weeks except near the end when I asked her to sign my yearbook, and she did (without saying anything), writing some very good advice that while I am a very interesting person who she hopes to see again next school year (high school!), I need to not "be so serious all the time" and to "let loose". That's among the best advice I ever saw. I realized that schoolwork isn't the only important thing in life, and that I need to have more fun and not be a perfectionist. I also signed her yearbook and while I don't remember exactly what I wrote I think I told her I want to see her again if she wasn't dating that guy, and maybe an apology for what had happened during dance night; I may have written my phone number but don't recall. The reason I thought I still had a chance with her is because I observed her closely and even though she had many opportunities to interact with that guy who had kissed her she didn't. By the end of the summer my old self was totally dead and I was a different person. My troubled childhood had come to a close and I was now thinking and feeling like a man. All that summer I kept thinking that I'd see her again and that if I got an opportunity to look at her again and she saw the new me that she'd fall for me again and we could start from scratch. I was still intensely attracted to her whenever I saw her yearbook photos (even as recently as last year it's still true, when I saw her photo in the newspaper). But sadly she wasn't in any of my classes, nor my lunch period, nor did I ever see her in the halls or fire drills that year, nor the next. Over the next 3 years of high school I made deliberate efforts to diversify my circles of friends, and get involved in new activities both in and out of school, plus I intentionally did errands for teachers and conducted surveys (both so I could visit as many classrooms all over the building). She was never in any of those rooms. I tried to diversify my classes and to meet more people at lunchtime, at the school store, and at the library, and I joined a club or two, etc. In fact, I continued to see everyone else from my former class, including all of her friends, around over the next 3 years EXCEPT her. This was a very large high school, by the way. Once in the spring semester right before graduation I saw her passing in the hallway but she brushed right past me. I also saw her a week or two before high school graduation afterhours at a reception at the high school, and it was awkward because she was with her sister and parents, and I didn't know what to say. It turned out it didn't matter because by that point she had already been in a deep relationship with a guy for a year and a half, as I found out from reading her printed yearbook entry the next week, an extraordinarily eloquent dedication to her boyfriend which contrasted sharply with the mostly cryptic and run-of-the-mill entries by everyone else. So I went to college knowing I had to start fresh and with no chance to see her. But the problem was that at college there were seemingly no appropriate love matches, even though some were interesting people, and even when there were women who attracted me my anxiety about relationships got in the way. I had by that point developed two bad side effects stemming from the dance disaster: (1) I had the expectation that any quality girl would know to ask me out if they were interested, rather than me taking the lead, and that it was improper for me to ask someone out without first sensing obvious positive signals from them [how else to know they were single?], and (2) it caused anxiety about the subject of dating, and relationships, and I never had any conversations about love with anyone. I couldn't even say the word "girlfriend" or acknowledge that I agreed with a friend's assessment that such-and-such is attractive. But despite my weakness on this subject I still looked for someone to replace her and erase this bad memory. Two women in fact did ask me out in college and several others expressed their interest in subtle ways, sometimes following me around, etc. I only accepted one "study date" in college, with a moderately attractive blonde girl who initiated the friendship and deliberately talked with me in person on several occasions in a very enthusiastic voice about all the great things she was doing, and she also always said "hi" to me whenever she saw me sitting in the public lounge area. But her even cuter brunette friend stood beside her much of the time and that was distracting. One day the blonde went to a big state fair with her parents but as she was going out the door of the building she didn't invite me to join her so all that happened was I told her to have fun there. Anyway, I was determined not to mess up my friendship with her and to give her a chance, so some days later I agreed to study with her when she asked, even though I didn't usually study with anyone, and we talked on the phone once. That night, as soon as her roommate left the room and closed the door, she became very cold and uninteresting, didn't say anything about herself or act friendly like she had in the previous days, and didn't even show me things in her room. We just started reviewing the material for the next day's test right away on the bed. I found myself only partially attracted to her. One other problem was that this particular chapter of the book was the most perplexing, and usually I had no trouble understanding anything in that course. I was as confused as she was about the content of the chapter. And I was otherwise aceing every other chapter and every other course in college! After at least a half hour had passed she got into a petty argument with me and got angry and abruptly ended the "study date". This was shocking because I acted like a perfect gentleman and she had seemed so sweet before. I had no further interest in seeing her and made myself scarce. The fall semester was just about finished anyway and she was set to move into a sorority dorm. I remembered that her cute friend seemed to have a mutual attraction when I had looked at her while talking to both her and this blonde girl on a previous occasion. That look reminded me of the chemistry of 3 years prior. Unfortunately her friend moved to another nearby college the next semester and I was unable to track her down using the Internet or phone directories. I met several other attractive women over the remaining years of college, but I was unable to initiate anything romantic, and in some cases they were already taken (one was in an abusive relationship but I was scared to intervene). When I was 20 there was an attractive woman I knew as a friend who had the most amazing eyes, but she was even more intellectual than I and I couldn't always follow what she was saying because she used the most extravagant and obscure language. Anyway, the college was somewhat small, so there seemed to be no one left even though I was receptive to a relationship during most of my time there. Not until nine and a half years after the original incident when I shared this story with my mother did the curse of inhibition on romance fall away and I finally gained the power to be able to ask girls out in person (though I only did so once, at work with a temp, and the answer was positive but at the same time indicating an existing boyfriend - what's that contradiction about? [Obviously I retracted my offer.]) and to not be embarrassed in public by my attractions to women. I am also now able to say the word "girlfriend" unlike before. And, most importantly, the dormant pain from the fresh memory of the incident started to dissipate and when I told the story my old self told the story in my tone of voice back then and the same vocabulary I would have used (it was really spooky). My current success in life is definitely the result of what happened to me 14 years ago. Now I have success in many areas of my life. I'm financially well off, I'm well-known in my field around the world, I've given lectures to large audiences where I was paid large honorariums, I have hundreds of friends and acquaintances (unfortunately most of whom don't live to close to me so I only get to meet some of them occasionally, and virtually none of them are of the right demographic for romance). I also know many prominent people in the worlds of business, journalism, and music. And most importantly I have confidence and contentment with myself. But what I don't have is a real romantic relationship - I never did, and feel like it can't happen, for a variety of reasons. The junior high school girl had the greatest impact on my life, and she doesn't even know it, and every so often ever since I often crave to have this attraction/"love" feeling again even though my lifestyle is otherwise very independent and opportunities are scarce. When we were together on the dancefloor, our eyes met with that chemistry like when she first seduced me, and it was magic that permanently transformed my personality, as if she psychically transferred her own characteristics to myself. I want to have this kind of opportunity again, but I don't see how any experience can top that, and now I'm not in college so I don't even see young women regularly except when I go shopping or eat out. In my city the realistic opportunities to even meet anyone appropriate are close to zero. I don't drink alcohol, don't like loud music (and they don't play my favorite kinds of music in clubs around here most of the time anyway), I don't care much for dancing due to my past, I'm not a member of a religion, and there aren't a lot of interesting activities here on a regular basis (though occasionally at the local university). Meanwhile, online dating doesn't seem like a good option as the women I've seen on profiles from this area don't have appeal to me (many of them smoke or drink, many of them are unattractive, many of them are highly religious, and I can sometimes infer troubling things about their personality from their writing, etc.). I corresponded with a few women through those sites back in 2000 but discovered they weren't right for me on all levels. I also tend to think about all the possible negative effects of marriage such as potential financial strains, less spare time, absurd expenses of housing and child-rearing, etc., and when I read stories about people who aren't happy in their marriages it gives me some solace that maybe my situation is OK. But now I'm 29 years old and two things can still occasionally cause stressful thoughts: my perpetual virginity and the fact that I wouldn't be able to answer the questions "did I ever go on a date" and "did I ever have a girlfriend" because really the answer in both cases is "maybe" leaning heavily towards "no", because two "yes" situations were cut off prematurely, and that's not really fair considering all the efforts I made to improve my life, only to find out that who I am looking for (or more precisely, the kind of person I want) was in my past (two of them who became elusive, while everyone else I met was inappropriate match for various reasons) and maybe isn't available to me in my future. And I certainly lost the opportunity for the ideal summer romance situation and bringing a happy ending to every guy's fantasy. I require a match on all 3 levels: outgoing personality, attractiveness, and high intelligence. This FIRST girl had all I wanted, in fact she was high on the Honor Roll and seemed very ambitious. The "what if" and "what now" questions do trouble me but during most days I can dismiss these questions and just enjoy what I do have. 4 years ago I emailed the dream girl's sister (who I never met) and asked if she could tell me her email address, but I got no response. I only discovered a month ago that a high school alumni directory had been published around that time with the address I was seeking in it. And a few months ago I saw in the newspaper that she got married - and not to the same guy she talked about so lovingly in her yearbook! Now I wonder exactly when she was single in between her relationships and whether that was one of those times. Because she's so desirable I don't think it would have been for long. And there was probably no chance anyway, and I didn't invest too much time dwelling on any of this. I never even knew her that well anyway, and exchanged so few words between us, which is sad. Even though I look young for my age, due to a good diet, good genetics, and lack of excess sun exposure, I can't change my chronological age. Most women my age look older than I do and I'm not attracted to most of them, but only to those who are 5-10 years younger. Online dating opportunities or anything else relying on age (speed dating, etc.) are starting to close off to me because many women in their early 20s don't want to date someone who's 29 or 30 (according to their profiles at least - though in person they may think differently). The same incident is simultaneously a source of inspiration and horror. It still sometimes haunts me even now (I even had a bad dream about it recently, where she just stood there not saying a word and then vanished). I want a way to replace this memory with a better one, but I feel like I'm running out of time and that there's no way to fix this. Any advice on what I really should be doing, other than just continuing to be "visible" in the world and trying to find interesting places to visit and events to attend? And what do you think of this story altogether? I think I still have a lot of appeal but cannot sacrifice my independence and life as it is for someone who is not equivalent to her - non-compatible women repel me immediately and make me feel a sensation of being trapped. The fact that love is all based on brain chemistry seems also to take away the mystery. I don't have a particular desire to get married or have children. Logically it makes little sense for me to seek a relationship, but chemically I have some kind of instability because this is unresolved, and I would like to have at least one more real chance before it's too late, just so as to experience what it's like, even if only for a few months (with the right person I'd consider forever). I wish I had spoken about what happened 9 years earlier than I had. That would have freed me a lot earlier.