She misses me. Where do I go from here? I Want her back.

[MC]

My ex (girlfriend of 6 years) left me almost 3 weeks ago and started seeing someone else. Thanks to the advice offered on this site I stopped the begging and pleading thing a few days after the break up and she's the one who normally initiates contact. When she does, I say nothing about the relationship. I pretend to be happy and moving on with my life.

 

She stopped by my place yesterday for a few minutes and I made no moves on her. I dropped her off when she was ready to leave and she said how surprised she was that I didn't try to kiss her. "Wow", she said and started touching me. She had a smile on her face. She started talking about the possibilities of us getting together in the future and how even though were apart there's still a "bond" between us. This morning she called and asked whether I missed her and I threw it right back at her. She said yes.

 

I want her back.

Where do I go from here? Any advice?

[SLBG]

Hi MC,

 

If you want her back and she is talking about the possibilities of you getting back 2gether in the future you have to play it cool.

 

I wouldn't throw it back in her face, if you love her & want her back you have 2 forgive her for hurting you.

 

It sounds like she has been smoke screening her feelings, trying not to think about things and seeing someone else.

 

Im kinda jealous of you, my girlfriend left me 5 weeks ago. We had been together for 5 years. I've been doing the NO CONACT thing for 2 weeks now but she has made no effort to contact me.

 

Maybe im not the best to give advice as I would love for my ex to miss me.

 

If I was in your situation I would want to no that she is genuine about her reasons for wanting contact and that she is not playing more games.

 

You have to take a risk, if you stay in contact she could use you, on the other hand she may really want to sort things out with you.

 

It's a hard call, keep contact or play it cool and stick with NO CONTACT.

 

You said she spoke of getting back in the future, maybe you have to find out what sort of time frame she is talking of. Does she want back now ?

 

I hope you can sort things out, if you love her and get another chance go for it.

 

Listen to your heart, we can only advise you.

 

Good luck

[GeeCee]

Hmmm .... MC ..... this is wonderful news! Or is it?!?! Sorry to be Ms Cautious (it really is not in my nature to be cautious!). Let's assess the situation, shall we?

 

1. She dumped you.

 

2. She initates regular contact.

 

3. She sees you last night.

 

4. You are happy - getting on with life.

 

5. SHE WANTS YOU BACK.

 

Yes, could be that she misses you, she has evaluated her loss and she wants you back. She will now expect you to say YESSSSSSS!!! After all, we all like wedding cake!!! DON'T!!!! This is now the beginning of your game. And you really have to play carefully to win. Take this really slow. Really slow. Do not admit to anything at all at the moment. She is liking the sound of her own voice - let her hear it. Listen, listen, listen. And arm yourself for your next move, based on what she says.

 

You are in a GREAT position. A really great position. We would all like to be in this one. For all our sakes - PLEASE - don't blow it!!!! Remember Tortoise and the Hare? Steady wins the race!!

 

G xx

[MC]

I wouldn't say that she wants me back right now (today). But it seems that she is considering the possibilities of taking me back a few weeks or months down the road - She hinted to that.

 

She "jokingly' said that I'd better be ready for when she comes back. She seems to be questioning her decision to leave me but has enough pride to not say so directly. She said "I'm sure you'd take me back if I asked."

 

Then again she may just be trying to see whether she can use me.

Forgive my confused state.

 

One thing I know for sure is that she is missing me and is contemplating whether or not she should stick to her decision of leaving me. And one more thing- She calls me baby, love and sweety now!

[SLBG]

Sounds like she is very confident that you will take her back straight away.

 

Even though she was only joking when she said you better be ready for when she comes back. I think that you will have to prepare for it.

 

It only takes a minute to walk out but longer to return, you cannot just roll over and let her walk straight back into your life.

 

I understand that you love her but you still have your pride, she made the choice to leave its now your choice 2 except her back whenever it happens.

 

Don't play games, but don't let her use you. Its not going to be easy, if she wants you back then she has to be straight with you. What will change in the next few weeks or months.

 

If she thinks she has made a mistake and wants you back then you need to find that out. Why sit about and wait based on the fact she has dropped hints of her return.

 

Actions speak louder than words, when she is ready to come back she will come out with it, not beat around the bush.

 

I think she is playing games, she still wants all the power and wants to test the water to see if you would take her back straight away.

 

Its only advice but I would take a step back, if she wants you she will tell you without games and coded signals.

 

Good luck

[RJ]

Quite frankly I don't like this situation, even as good as it sounds. And believe me it sounds really good right?!? You're getting a little ego boost. You're feeling that she really wants you back. You're talking and chatting it up. Right?

 

Well I've been there before.

 

I think you're being used. She hanging on until she feels better about the guy she's with right now. You're a back-up plan in my opinion. And if it doesn't work out with him you MAY have a shot. Problem is do you want to hang around having your heart, head, and emotions drug about? You'll go nuts, it'll hurt you, and you'll make dumb mistakes that'll blow your chances with her for good.

 

I say let her go for now. Stop contact. Let her know that you care about her, wish her luck, and that it's time you get on with your life too. Give no plans, no details, be vague. Tell her maybe someday we can be friends but right now that's a bit of a mental burden to deal with.

 

Then if she comes back let her know that she has to be single to even get a shot with you, you'll not settle for second choice, be gentle but firm. After that take it slow and go with the flow.

 

RJ

[SLBG]

Well said RJ.

 

I totally agree, never settle for second best. If u want to be a doormat then stick by her, she will use you until the new relationship picks up and then hurt you again.

 

Let her down gently, if she wants you she will come and find you.

[GeeCee]

Hmmmm ... she seems very sure of herself - rock that confidence a little with the new you. Make her think. She cannot think that she can rock your world and return at a whim.

 

Keep doing what you are doing. Make her doubt her decision all the time, by being confident and assured.

 

G xx

[MC]

I believe I'm really messing her head up. She must be thinking - Why isn't this guy begging and pleading? When you beg and plead it pushes the ex away but ironically it's just what they need to feel happy and comfortable with their decision of leaving you.

 

Perhaps she has been trying to test me. Maybe she came home only to see whether I was as strong as my little contact/no contact game was suggesting. And whether I would make a move on her.

 

Probably she asked me whether I missed her this morning to hear me say OH YES BABY I MISS YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!! And how I can't stop thinking of her etc, so that she can turn around and kick me (break my heart again).

 

Well I'm not going to contact her and as all of you have suggested. I'm gonna keep portraying that I'm really doing pretty fine. If she thinks she is just going to walk right back into my life, I'm sorry.

[GeeCee]

Check you out MC!!!!!

 

You will win your heart's desires with an attitude like that!!!!

 

G xx

[SLBG]

MC

 

NO CONTACT should give you time to heal, and time for you to move on.

 

Instead of portraying that your really doing pretty fine maybe you should use this time to make changes in ur life and heal.

 

If she does come back and you are not stronger and have not healed she will soon see that you was putting on a brave face and portraying you was fine when really ur not.

 

Its only a suggestion, but use this time to heal, dont play games. Continue the NO CONTACT until you feel you are healed and can deal with her coming back, or being friends.

 

Dont rush things you will regret it in the end.

[justice32]

yeh i did the whole begging and stuff cuz i was dump i even showed up at her house with flowers 3 days after she broke up with me. im so sad cuz i love this girl so much and want her back so badly.but im afriad i blew it. ive kinda been doin the no contact thing. but i talked to her today for a bit. it just sucks so much cuz she said maybe we beb ack by now but she hasnt even thought about it. all what she does is like go hang out with other guys and stuff. and the thought of her being with someone else makes me want to die. i just wondeing what i should do now.like i was so good to her and stuff and maybe she doesnt realise it but i dunno im scared i cant just be friends with somone that i love so much. we were goin out for a year and like 7 months and im 16! and to tell u the truth she is the only one i want to be with and not having her just made me realise how much i love her and want to be with. and im only 16

 

go more with the no contact?

 

move on, even though im trying so hard and im goin crazy all what i do is think about her.

[MC]

Well after about 31 hours, she called this evening and I did not answer the phone. I'm trying to do some no contact but I'm wondering whether it means that I shouldn't take her calls, or whether I should let her initiate contact but answer her calls.

 

Perhaps the best way for her to really miss me is if we don't talk for some time and this would mean not taking her calls. If it's really important she can leave a message. What do you think?

[GeeCee]

It's that old toss-up - absense makes the heart grow fonder/out of sound out of mind...

 

G xx

[MC]

It's that old toss-up - absense makes the heart grow fonder/out of sound out of mind...

 

G xx

 

It's very true- a real gamble. I'll take my chances I think, and not answer the phone. I don't like the idea of she keeping contact so as to have me as a back up plan. I want her back but sometimes the anger towards her keeps boiling inside. Am I strong enough to refrain from answering? - Only time will tell.

 

This morning has been really tough for me- I keep thinking about her and wanting her to call. This is tough! But I know I'll feel better later.

[MC]

So I made a big mistake which had me feeling like crap but I think I corrected it at the end.

 

My ex came home to borrow my camcorder. There she was watching me right in the eye and drawing close to me to try to kiss me, I was trying to turn away, in fact I did so a few times. Then she said that she was testing me. She started talking about our past- the good times and so on and I started asking questions about where we went wrong. She said how she still misses me.

 

She came close and I attempted to kiss- even have sex and to my amazement she resisted. Then I felt like real crap. All my hard work now meant nothing. I felt like a complete fool!

 

I had to correct this. (While she was home her new guy called and she lied about where she was.) I had to figure out a way to free myself. So I told her that I think I just made a big mistake by trying to have sex with her and I feel like a complete fool.

 

I told her that from today we shouldn't speak anymore and while I care about her and wish her well, this friendship thing is a burden I can't bear. I told her that maybe someday in the future we could be friends but from now on it was really over between us and we shouldn't contact each other again. There I was going on and on, repeating myself all the time. I was sounding a bit harsh and kept telling her that it wasn't my intention. She was very quiet when I told her this and I know she was feeling really bad, probably upset.

 

I really feel that I did the right thing even though right now it has me in tears knowing that we will probably never be again. I'm really tired of all her games of calling me baby, using the word "us", and making it seem that probably one day we will be together again. I think this woman simply wants security from me in case her present relationship doesn't work. I really can't take it. This is killing me. It's better if I never see her again. All or nothing at all.

 

I asked her to give me back the camcorder because I wanted no links, bearing in mind that she would have had to contact me to return it. I told her that whatever I said to her doesn't mean that I'm her enemy. This is so painful! I don't deserve to be feeling so miserable. When will this ordeal be over???!!!!

[RJ]

MC,

 

Hey glad to see you took my advice, as well as others. No contact isn't a fail safe plan to get her back and it's painful now but you really are on the road to recovery.

 

"Whatever a thing may be, be it pleasant or terrible, the less it has been foreseen the more it pleases or frightens. This is seen nowhere better than in war, where surprise strikes terror even in those who are much the stronger party." Xenophon.

 

Sorry... I couldn't resist. I view this "game" as war. I fight to win. I take no prisoners.

 

Next step... she will call. Believe it. And you must resist talking/texting/seeing her for a few weeks. Let her sweat and you need to get your Doo Doo together. Then when you're feeling better about yourself and have your emotions under control maybe take one of those calls. Be brief, vauge, and aloof. Smile when you talk... people feel it. Then say you've got to run, it was great talking to you, maybe we'll talk again sometime. Let her call again.

 

You're in the "game" my friend.

[SLBG]

Hi MC

 

Well I kinda no how you feel, I also wrote a post early today in tears.

 

Just let it all out, it wont change things but you will feel better.

 

You ordeal will be over when you have the strength to let go, its easy to post saying that you dont want n e thing to do with the ex anymore but harder to do.

 

I no how you feel, I have posted in the past saying I want to move on but deep down inside its killing me. I dont want to move on, I dont want n e body else. I just want me & my ex to get back 2gether.

 

remember its not all about what "I want" if they want you back they will make the effort to contact you and tell you.

 

Sorry I cannot be more of a help to you, we r in the same boat.

 

Good luck what ever you choose to do.

[GeeCee]

Wow, MC!! I am sorry ... I have been so wrapped up in my own problems these last few days, that I did not realise how bad it had been for you. I know how bad you are feeling.

 

I totally agree with the others who have said you need to take time out and look after yourself. To my mind, your ex is being very callous - you are her buffer and while you continue to stroke her ego, she knows that she can come back to you if things don't work out with her current beau.

 

I know how much this hurts. I know you have to be strong to not take calls initiated by her. believe me, I am terrible at this. The constant waiting is agonising. Wishing away time. I will tell you this, though, much as I hate no contact, it does make you heal faster and eventually time does start to march forward to a different drum. It is not easy, but it is a way forward.

 

Yeah, so you tried to have sex with her - so did she, and don't forget that. Really, MC I think that she is enjoying flirting around with you, and if she does not know what torture this is putting you through, you need to keep away from her, until the pain has diminished.

 

I know we all talk about 'the game', and sometimes it appalls me, but really we all play a mating game of sorts. Sometimes our strategies need to be refined and rethought. Take some time out.

 

G xx

 

P.S. Thanks for your PM - very thoughtful xx

[MC]

GeeCee, RJ and SLBG, thanks for the support and advice. You don't know how much this means to me. And I really mean this.

 

Yes RJ, I took your advice as well as that of the others. As you said, she will call - I'm convinced that she will. It's plain to see that she still has feelings for me. Her words made it very clear and the look in her eyes (I still know that look) clearly demonstrated it.

 

I didn't have much time to think about telling her to stop contacting me, I was desperately looking to emerge victorious after being turned down for a kiss and sex. But I believe that as painful as no contact is, in my case it will do more good than harm eventually. As all the advice has shown, I could either make her miss me and then she will return, or I will heal. Typing the word 'heal' gives me such a great feeling that it WILL be over and I will be happy again.

 

I know that I have to try my best to get over this. And I vow that I will not contact her. I know that it will be hard and I will feel like giving up, but with your support I think I can pull through.

 

I have a feeling that she will return. For example I tell her how I know that we will never be together again and she won't agree. Apparently she hasn't totally shut that door. Her words indicate that she sees a possibility of us being together in the future. This is why I believe that no contact is very good for my situation. I don't want her to believe that my life is on hold, waiting for her to return while she solidifies her present relationship.

 

Last night I realised that I'd lost some weight. Yeah, break up is hard.

 

Maybe one day I can prove to be a success story. (Not me alone but all of us who keep working hard to have our ex return.) Oh how I long and pray for that day.

 

But for now let's take it one day at a time.

[SLBG]

Hi MC

 

Glad we have been of some help to you.

 

The no contact route may be the best thing you can do for now. I started the no contact rule 3 weeks ago but felt weak and sent the ex a blank email.

 

She replied asking how I was and was curious about what I had been up to, how my family was etc.

 

Then she emailed and said she would email me Monday for a proper chat!!!! But went on to say she hoped I had a nice weekend and that she was off to get drunk.

 

So to sum things up, I really wanted to hear from her but when I did I was disappointed that she didn't let me no if she had missed me or not. I was kinda expecting her to break down and tell me she loved me and had made a mistake.

 

She didn't, she sounded like she was really happy and was moving on. I'm not sure how to take things at the moment. Is she playing games, does she want a reaction, do I have to show her how important she is to me and fight for her.

 

These are all questions you will ask your self, but you have to stay strong. Only time will tell.

 

Having NO CONTACT is tough, but as I have learned having contact can also be disappointing.

 

The day may come when the ex contacts and says they have missed you, but until that day we all have to move on, grow and build up our strength.

 

I'm scared that she will not return, I have only ever had 2 long-term relationships. This is all new to me but I am grateful that this site is here. I am so lucky to have you all helping me and will never forget the kind words you have all said.

 

I will look back one day and see that this site helped me through the hardest time in my life. Even if she never returns I will have the tools and skills to succeed in my next relationship.

 

Thank you all for being there when I have needed you the most, without you things would have been a lot tougher and I may not have dealt with things in the same way.

 

Thanks again

 

slbg

[GeeCee]

SLBG

 

You are doing really really good.

 

Hang in there.

 

G xx

[MC]

I'm scared that she will not return, I have only ever had 2 long-term relationships. This is all new to me but I am grateful that this site is here. I am so lucky to have you all helping me and will never forget the kind words you have all said.

 

I will look back one day and see that this site helped me through the hardest time in my life. Even if she never returns I will have the tools and skills to succeed in my next relationship.

 

Thank you all for being there when I have needed you the most, without you things would have been a lot tougher and I may not have dealt with things in the same way.

 

SLBG, this is all new to me too. This was really my first long term relationship (6 years) and first time experiencing a break up. I've not had many short term ones either. I've really learnt a lot from this experience.

 

A lot of your feelings are similar to mine.

 

Sick around buddy. One day we'll have a happier story to tell. It's inevitable.

[SLBG]

Thanks MC,

 

Well I have had a few short term relationships but only 2 serious ones.

 

The first serious relationship was a long distance relationship, the second which I am trying to deal with now my ex only love round the corner to me.

 

When my first long term relationship ended, she rang me up and told me over the phone. I didnt have email, mobile phones at this point and as I was young and didnt have a job couldnt use my mums phone so there was no contact.

 

I have spoken with my ex from 6 years ago and she said she had missed me and regretted her decision. But it was too late. She broke my heart and I promised never to get hurt again.

 

Well look at me now, didnt think I would let it happen again.

 

Its really different this time round, I have email, mobile phone, money, my own car. I have more options now.

 

When my first long term relationship ended I didnt talk to her, about 2 years past before I spoke with her. She told me that If I had of contacted her or if she could of contacted me she thinks we would of got back on track within about 2-3 months of the break up.

 

So, now Im in the same sort of boat I do have hope. Im just gonna hang in there and see what happens.

 

WE WILL have a good story to tell one day, and I can assure you that when I do have one I will be here posting for you all to read.

 

Thanks for being there for me eveybody.

 

slbg

[GeeCee]

Good positive thoughts - will get you a long way.

 

G xx