LostinVan is still lost but working on it.

[LostinVan]

So, based on some excellent coaching from Beec, I've been working on the art of seduction and tempation and giving the goods and taking it away.

 

If you've followed my story so far, you know I set up a media interview for my ex to do. Some background.

 

- I'm a recognized expert in a particular field.

- She has learned from me and knows a helluva lot about it too.

- I am often contacted by the media for quotes and interviews

- A french language media outlet contacted me to do an interview

- in my relationship with my ex, I often discouraged her attempts to speak French. I'm fluent, and often I said her attempts "grated on my ears, please stop" (yes, terrible, I know now).

 

I decided to ask her if she wanted to do the interview. I encouraged her to do it and said I wouldn't ask if I thought she could (all true).

 

So she did it today.

 

But I'm also in the midst of trying to stop her from being so comfortable with our current sitch. Right now, she's in heaven. She has me as this super nice, 180 guy from what she knew. She sees me almost every day because we both work from my home (used to be our home). But there's no relationship other than attempt at friendship and civility. She's in heaven because all her interactions with me are nice, friendly, "comfortable", and she's dating other guys (I'm about 90% sure it's one guy now). So she's getting affection and intimacy from another guy.

 

So, following Beec' excellent advice, I'm starting to practice taking away some of that comfort. Today, she was very much wanting to tell me about the interview after she was done. She called me. I sent her to "busy" (something you can do on GSM phones). I didn't call back. I came home, she was working, but tried to come out to talk to me. I was working and said "I hope it went great, tell me about it later, I have to get a few things done".

 

This made her upset. So later on when she was on a break, I said "hey, I'm free now, tell me about it". She made me wait. I found something to do briefly. She came down, started reluctantly telling me about it, then got all giddy and excited about it. I encouraged, congratulated, and broke one of Beec' rules - I didn't leave alone... I continued to listen and encourage. I even said "come here" and gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek. Probably a bad move considering my current strategy.

 

After this, she got a bit cold (not right away - I went away, saw her five mins later, and it was distant). I'm not sure how to read this, but I think she's confused.

 

She finished work, I made myself busy and didn't chat much with her. She went on the computer (she's accessing a date and sex website daily) came down, and here's the strange thing - but I'm wary of you all reading too much into it, because other elements make me sure this isn't what it is... she ran her hand down my arm as I sat on the couch watching TV, not really acknowledging her.

 

This is slightly significant, because she hasn't done that kind of body contact since the break. She has kissed me on the cheek (her background says you do that with friends); she has held hands with me, mostly when I'm sad about my Mom who passed away recently. And she's given me hugs most days.

 

BUT... other elements make me wonder if the hand brushing down the length of my arm is insignificant. I'm ashamed to say, I did a little spying today, and saw she was quite active (including sending a lot of IMs) on her dating board (don't ask how I know - I'm not running spy software on her computer, but being a bit of an IT guy, I can find out thru our router). I also know she had a friendly, almost flirty phone call with a guy not 15 minutes before the arm brushing.

 

Right now, I'm extremely confused. I fully admit that Beec' advice is alien to me. I never play these kinds of games in life - I'm a straight shooter most of the time. My game plan tomorrow is to be almost totally unavailable. I also emailed her a message (we exchange pleasant emails) saying I'd like to have a talk wednesday about something serious. That talk will be setting boundaries about her (currently) unlimited access to the house.

 

I need advice on how to do that. If you see my other posts (look in the Rich thread), right now, I'm a doormat when it comes to her living arrangements and "life" vs. mine. She comes and goes as she pleases here. I don't even know where she's staying. She leaves exactly when she wants. Not when I want her to leave the house, or expect it. So I'm going to address the issue. I have to have a game plan on how to do it in a positive, non combative way. Anyone have any ideas?

[LostinVan]

Damn, I forgot something. My current game plan for the talk:

 

- mention first "do you remember the stuff I said about us dating, how I feel about love now, and how I'm working on myself? All that still holds true"

 

- qualify that by saying "please remember that once you hear me out on this"

 

- say "right now I'm feeling a bit vulnerable and sensitive because things aren't really even between us. I've given you the space you desire, I don't ask about your comings and goings, I don't ask or enquire about your social life or where you're currently living. This gives you a lot of security and privacy and "space", and I'm intent on continuing it."

 

- but I don't have that space and security. Right now, you have almost unlimited access to the house, you come and go when you want, and as a result, it's made me very uncomfortable. I don't have the security of knowing when you'll be here and when you'll be gone. This is where I live, but I don't feel secure and it's hampering my ability to heal."

 

- then say "I'd like it if you could define for me your schedule for when you want to be here working, or be in the house on a weekly basis. If you want to drop by, please call first to let me know. If you want to stay later than the schedule, please also let me know, and understand if at the rare times I may ask you to not stay. If you ever want to drop by to talk, just give me a call and I'm sure most times I'd be happy to do so. But I need my space and security, and if I want to expand my social life, it would help if I knew you wouldn't drop by unnanounced."

 

What do you think? Also, what do you think about my current progress etc as posted in the last message?

 

LostinVan.

[GeeCee]

JESUS LOSTINVAN!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T DO IT!!!

 

I am busy busy busy - I will come back to you later with some reasoning, but what you are proposing is a bad move and you are not emotionally secure at the moment to back it up.

 

Will talk later.

 

G xx

[Beec]

LostInVan, don't, DON'T have this talk. Not the way you planned it.

 

I know this talk is all about you wanting some space. You situation is really weird, with her coming and going as she pleases. But what you saying, OMG, you really seem needy. (My criticism is not that you are needy, we all are. I just don't want you to seem needy, as it is anti-seductive.) You specifically tell her you need space to heal, which means you are still hurting from the breakup, which is nto what you want her to know. You want her to think it no longer bothers you much.

 

Part of my likes the idea, for you, that she can come and go as she pleases. It gives you great access to run a continual game. So, her coming and going is not bad. And you do seem to know her schedule.

 

Let's think up some other ideas. First adopt some more general ideas. If a conversation has been good for a while and you reach a logical end point, get up and leave. Go to where she won't follow, and hope she does at some time.

 

Can you try to just ask her to try to set a schedule for you, just so you can know when she is coming and going, no time limtis, no nothing. Maybe you can just infer that you may soon need the house alone.

 

And I have few things that are "Rules". Sometimes, an approach as an acquaintance, then a friend, then a confidant, then a lover works. In others (rare ones), just moving in and taking over the target's life can work. It depends on you and the target. Every move one person may make that works, could sink another relationship. You need to really evaluate what you are working with and play her reactions.

[GeeCee]

Lostinvan - you want this woman back, right??

 

Listen to what Bec has said. You will come accross as too needy. Be careful, you are going to make your position very precarious if you proceed with this conversation. It is all about you!

 

Think about it, please.

 

G xx

[spatzcolumbo]

I have to agree (as per usual) with Geecee and Beec. Having THAT conversation is NOT the way forward. Needy is not the way forward. You gotta get to the stage where you can act aloof. I think that i managed it when i saw my ex a week ago. I know it is very different for you, but even so, its important. I still hurt so badly about it, i still want her back, but i was able to act like i am fine, happy, etc.

 

Get yourself to taht stage. But i do understand how hard it is to do.

[LostinVan]

Hi Folks.

 

Yesterday was a bad day. All I could think about was my Mom's recent passing, it was a very downer day for me emotionally. I wasn't thinking much of the relationship or the ex.

 

I did send the email Monday night where I hinted I'd like to speak with her about some serious stuff on Wednesday or Thursday.

 

Well, Tuesday, I just couldn't help crying (about my Mom - long story - I basically found all her recent cards to me, re xmas, bday, etc, plus a couple of audio tapes, and I made the mistake of listening to them). Ex came over, I tried to get a grip but couldn't. I barricaded myself in my home office; she wanted to chat. I said it wasn't a good time, she could tell from my voice so came in...

 

We talked a while about my Mom etc, then she started pressing me about "the talk" I wanted. I kept saying not now, but then said "well, it's just about our friendship, but I need to wait."

 

Then she started saying things. "You know, I haven't been fair to you, heck I give more respect and do more things with ____________, (named casual friend) than I do you... " She expanded on it a bit. I didn't say anything.

 

Got a grip on things and said "thanks for this, I have to get back to work though". Did, and went out in the afternoon to hang out with a friend till about 9. By the time I got back ex was gone, as expected. I hinted before I left that "if I don't get back by the time you leave, the dogs may need some attention", so she let them all out, refilled their water bowls, did food, etc. (left a handwritten note saying as much, ending with "your friend, ____"

 

So I didn't bring it up, except to say "about friendship". I'm afraid I did show severe neediness yesterday, but I tried not to. Does freaking out about my Mom's death count as that?

 

Lots happened today, but I'll post about it later.

 

Thanks folks for your continued support, encouragement and advice. This is so alien to me, but I'll try harder - I really value what all of you have been writing. Sorry if I seem to do two steps back for every step forward.

 

LostinVan

[Beec]

LostInVan,

 

Sorry to hear about you mother. Anything you did yesterday with regard to your ex seems fine. She seems like she is warming back up to you. Take care of yourself for the next few days and try to avoid the talk.

 

Beec

[pip]

Hmm, when reading your post I couldn't help but think 'I thought this guy wanted his ex back?'. I have to agree with spatzcolumbo - you can't come accross as needy.

 

And if you really are quite needy and can't stand at least pretending to be fine, perhaps you're not ready for a relationship again. I think it's a bit dangerous to rely on the emotional support of someone with whom your standing is so unclear.

[GeeCee]

Lostinvan

 

I completely disagree with Pip. Completely. You did not come accross as needy per se. I am sorry about the loss of your mother - you have every right to grieve for as long as necessary. This is not needy, it is part of the healing process. I doubt your ex saw it as needy. Whilst I agree that it is a difficult one for you to know whether your ex should be the one you rely on emotionally, there are going to be occasions that she does, and this is not a bad thing. She sees many elements of your persona and this is a good thing, because if I remember rightly you were to unemotional before, right?

 

Your said the right things to your ex. I would still avoid the conversation today. Just my opinion, but ultimately we do what we think is right.

 

G xx

 

P.S. Take the time you need to heal - you have lost your mother - I am sorry.

[LostinVan]

Thanks GeeCee, Beec, everyone.

 

Tonight's scoop... and I'm not enjoying things much. Other than the "friends" comment yesterday, I haven't brought up the thing I wanted to talk about.

 

A friend found out that my ex and I broke up, and she told another mutual friend who apparently had some minor "hots" for me. We chatted over coffee a few times in the past couple of days, and tonight, the plan was for her to come over here and hang out for the evening.

 

I didn't tell the ex about it. All I asked was "what's the plan for tonight - when do you think you''ll be heading back to the place you're staying". She said about 7ish. That worked good for me - my guest was coming over between 8 and 8:30.

 

So... I want to clean the house a bit (beyond the normal cleaning... ie ditch some of the ex's stuff in the bathroom, give a good vacuum, etc), but I want to wait for the ex to go before I start. Plus, I was not looking forward to this "date" (very casual)... I like the woman, she's a nice person and attractive, but I only want to "date" one person....

 

It's 7:15, then 7:30, and the ex is still hanging around. She's being very nice and polite (save for one thing that happened this morning, but I'll put that aside for now). I finally say "You had mentioned you were leaving at 7???? (drag it out)... "uhm..."

 

She was taken aback by that a bit, not much though. "Okay, I'm leaving..." I turn to do something else, and she said "come here" and gave me a big hug and said "are you okay this evening?".

 

I admit I wasn't putting on the smiley faces much, and I wasn't looking forward to the date. I was also still feeling some ramifications from yesterday (see above).

 

I said I was fine, I hope you have a good drive back and I'll see you tomorrow. Then I hopped in the shower. She wandered around the house for a bit while I was in the shower (heard the door close finally after I was done),.

 

Now here's the thing. I know, 100% for sure, that my ex thinks that I wouldn't be seeing or dating anyone. That's her mindset. In a way, she sees me as someone too wrapped up in things to pursue anyone, plus in the back of my mind, I think she thinks I can't attract other women.

 

In truth, I've always been casual about dating women in the past. Most of the women I've been with ended up chasing me a bit, because in the past I was very aloof and while not standoffish, I wouldn't put out many "vibes". So I am betting she didn't consider I may have a woman over.

 

So, the friend comes over. We have a good evening, have a few glasses of port, talk a LOT about a mutual interest (the thing I'm a bit of an expert on), play some chess (I had a tiny glass chess set out on the coffee table), drink a bit more port, and she asked me to make her a couple of martinis. She was funny, friendly, engaging, interested and a bit flirty. We ended the night with a big hug, kiss on the cheek (sheesh sounds familiar), and I called her cab (I had 3 drinks, she had four, I wasn't about to drive her home - I'm conscientious that way)

 

I enjoyed it and didn't enjoy it. The company was good. Even having another woman attracted to me (I assume) was good. But it's not what I want at all. Inside, a huge part of me felt miserable.

 

I did however go back to Beec' advice and be a bit "absent" today from the spouse. I also have social plans for Friday, all afternoon and evening (will have to ask the ex to look after the dogs again), and a party to attend on Saturday.

 

Now... questions.

 

1. I am completely lost here still. The game I'm trying to play now is so alien to me, I am lost, completely lost when it comes to figuring out what to do.

 

2. I had an attractive, interesting, young (8 years my junior) and funny woman over this evening, and in the end, I have to say I didn't enjoy myself at all. What the hell is wrong with me.

 

3. My ex probably won't have a clue a woman was over here, unless she smells the perfume (there's still a bit in the air as I type this). She doesn't know I have another date set up for Friday afternoon. Nor a party to attend (the first I'll attend in over 11 years without her). Do I drop hints about it, or just do it, or what?

 

4. Beec, GeeCee, I really need some guidance here as to how to handle the next few days. Today I had about 50% of the contact with my ex I have had in previous days (I scaled it back that much). Should I scale it back even more? Go a day or two without seeing her? My sitch is unique though, and that may prove difficult.

 

Lastly, I wanted less contact today, but at one point when I was in my home office (door closed), the ex knocked on it and came in. She was very sad. so I asked why.

 

They decided her French wasn't good enough for the interview, so they're not going to use it in the upcoming show. She came to me for support, so I gave it. Told her I was still proud of her, made good sounds about how she did well, her french was fine, etc etc and the interviewers were idiots for not using her well crafted and educated words. Then I said "sorry, but I have to get back to work" (beec was sitting on my shoulder).

 

LostinVan

[LostinVan]

Whilst I agree that it is a difficult one for you to know whether your ex should be the one you rely on emotionally, there are going to be occasions that she does, and this is not a bad thing. She sees many elements of your persona and this is a good thing, because if I remember rightly you were to unemotional before, right?

 

Yeah, in fact, this is why I'm having difficulty with the whole "don't be needy, emotional thing during a break up, attempt at reconcilliation" thing...

 

During our relationship, I was a weird one. I'd go to movies... and get real emotional inside... even movies you wouldn't think it would happen. Take for instance Lord of the Rings, Return of the King. When they had the climatic scene where the hobbits bow, and the king says "you bow to no one" and they all bow, inside I welled up, wanted to cry. But outside, being as I was "with ma wimman", I held it back and tried to disguise it.

 

In our relationship, I don't think she's seen me cry more than 3 or 4 times in 11+ years. In the last three weeks or so, she's seen it dozens of times, 95% of the time it's been the loss of my Mom that triggered it. She's seen me do it in the church service, standing over the casket, seeing close relatives for the first time in 15 years, and of course, back here at home.

 

And what I can't balance is, is this a good thing or not? One side says "don't be needy, don't be clingy, don't be sad or emotionally sad in front of the ex, show happiness, carefree, aloofness". But in our relationship, I rarely showed neediness, clingyness, or tears and sadness on my part. In my good times I was aloof, carefree (to an extent), confident, smiles, sure of myself and things etc. When I was in my down times, anger, disappointment, bristling, would show up (not at her per se, but my usual way with dealing with bad things). But not crying or sadness.

 

So while I take Beec' advice to heart and really, really think it would work and would be good for my sitch, I'm having trouble balancing the above.

 

I also get the sense some days (not all days) that my ex *wants* me to go to her when I'm feeling sad. This hasn't been said, but it may be implied.

 

LostinVan

[GeeCee]

Well Lostinvan

 

As usuall am rushing around and so cannot do your post much justice. What sticks in my mind is this - in a committed relationship, I would want my man to be able to turn to me for emotional support. I am a strong independent woman, and am attracted to strong independent (some might say arrogant) men. When I am able to fulfill an emotional void in them, I am happy. When they are able to turn to me for emotional fulfillment (knowing that such types, including myself) find this difficult, I am very happy. You have to know whether this would be a good move in your situation.

 

With regards to reducing the contact. I would say, yes definitely do it. She is able to take you for granted - youa re always there are you are always available. Mix it up a bit. Play a different game to the one she expects. Get her wondering.

 

Hope today is a better day for you - it is going to take you a long time - allow yourself to grieve.

 

G xx

[jasminebose]

Hey Lostinvan,

I think your ex probably does want you to go to her when you are feeling sad but that is not the right thing to do, if you want to be more than friends with her again. You need to try and emotionally rely on someone else for support while you are grieving.

Even if you don't feel like dating this new woman I think you should persevere a bit just to show yourself (and maybe your ex) that you have options. I think in the meantime you should do your best to act friendly but not needy (a hard balance I know) and make it clear to your ex that she is not all your life is about.

Good luck

JZ

[GeeCee]

Guys guys guys

 

I am sorry - I am going to stress here - HE IS GRIEVING - this is not a sign of neediness - this is a sign of humanity and compassion. Let the guy grieve. He knows who he can do that best with. He is also allowing for other options. He has friends, he mentions them a lot. He has other options. It is perfectly natural for him to want to grieve with the woman he loves. I tend to think that if she has any compassion or caring for him, she would want to do this anyway.

 

I HAVE NEVER SUGGESTED THAT HE SHOW A NEEDY SIDE. I THINK LOSTINVAN SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO GRIEVE FOR THE LOSS OF HIS MOTHER - THIS IS NOT NOT NOT NEEDY.

 

Ok, I think that I have put my point accross.

 

G xx

[jasminebose]

As I see it he has 2 issues - one he is grieving and second he wants his ex back. My advice was to keep the two separate. I don't think anyone is saying he is needy or should not grieve I just think combining the issues by grieving with his ex girlfriend (who he wants back) is only going to confuse matters.

[GeeCee]

Jasmine

 

As I see it - these two issues permeate each other. Yes he wants his ex back, and yes he is grieving. They are completely related. He is not showing neediness by grieving. If he were begging his ex to come back, using his grief as a way to pull her in, that would be neediness. He is not doing that. He is allowing himself to show his grief, on occasion. This is a good thing. Besides which, if his ex has any clue whatsover, she will pick up on his grief. What is he supposed to say. No honey, everything is peachy - leaving her with the impression that he is the same unemotional person he always was?

 

Lostinvan - these are opinions - different ones - but opinions nevertheless. You will make your decisions, ultimately.

 

G xx

[LostinVan]

GeeCee, once again thanks... it helps to get a female perspective, and I admit that these grieving emotions are somewhat new territory for me. When the ex lost her Dad several years back, I didn't grieve as much as feel the hurt for my ex; and I wanted to provide comfort.

 

Short morning update... again, I can't read this one at all:

 

Ex showed up while I was still sleeping (8:45am). She didn't tell me she'd be by so early. But it is "bills" day, and she's still taking care of the accounting for the household and company bills. I climb out of bed at 9, take (another) shower, a quik one, do the ole SSS (think body maintenance in the bathroom), then after I come out (dressed, which I used to never do), I say goodmorning, but she's a bit distant.

 

I pulled a big april fools' joke today on colleagues, so I checked to see how it was going (it's goin' good)... and I decided to tell her about it because I know she would get a kick out of it. Called her down, showed her, she found it extremely funny. Then she goes into the kitchen and says "so, you had company last night?" I say "uh, yeah, a friend was over for a couple of hours..." she goes "a friend with lipstick!" and I can't figure it out... but look, and one of the port glasses had lipstick on it, and I didn't clean up last night (didn't leave it out on purpose! At least not consciously... plus I never think about these things!

 

Her reaction was strange. I'd say "aloof, I don't care, I'm trying to project I don't care".

 

If you recall her past statements about jealousy - she claims she does not get jealous. She said to me a week ago this: "if I came home, say five years ago, and found you in bed with another woman, I'd shrug, then go and watch TV or something".

 

But one thing she is... she's curious george (a nickname I have for her). Big time.

 

I finished off my contact with her this morning by being really nervous (couldn't help it), and said "nothing went on, _________". She smiled, told me something funny, then went off to continue her work. 10 mins later, she was out the door... "be back at 2!".

 

So... given her past comments about jealousy, given that's she curious, I can't read her reaction at all. I did get a sense her indifference was slightly forced.

 

I wonder though... she knows she's been on an internet dating / sex board since before we broke up, and has been in a way "cheating" on me since that time. And within days, she was dating. Is she balancing that? Somehow, I doubt it. She tends to see only black and white.

 

LostinVan.

[Beec]

OK, first of all, stop caring so much about what she thinks so much.

 

I know you really want to know what she thinks so you can figure out where you stand. It's the age old question of does this person like me. Yes, it would be a lot simpler if you knew. But, if you want to change her mind about you as a couple, she broke up with you for a reason. You need to be able to get in an wipe this reason away, and that will take time, for there to be any chance. So, you can change her thinking, but it won't happen overnight. (This all seems horribly manipulative, but if you love them is it ok?)

 

However, you do need to worry about how she thinks or feels in order to engage her emotions. So, you need to read her to do that.

 

If there is no reaction, proceed as normal. Probably friendly, supportive, etc. when in fulfillment mode. Then withdraw. It is important to read her reactions at all times. If you withdraw and she does not follow, wait and then go back in. She didn't follow because either she was not yet addicted or because you are not hitting the right buttons or all of them, look for more.

 

When she does follow, be careful. You don't want to become an affair, you want it all. Don't accept affair.

 

Grieving for your mother is not needy, imo. Of course, it shoudl not go one for years.

[LostinVan]

Hi Folks. Thanks for the positive reinforcement, it is truly appreciated.

 

But I'm having one of those days where I just don't think I can handle things anymore. She's regularly talking to the new guy (her cell kept ringing, and she would shut the door to her small office, a sure sign - she never does that).

 

I want to do all the things Beec and others suggest because the rational part of me says it makes sense.

 

But a big part of the problem is, a lot of things I'm being coached on doing is *exactly* what I did during our relationship... always gave her nibbles, never more than that. I was in control. I was the one who walked away. I was the distant, aloof one. So I'm deathly afraid to venture into this territory of remove her comfort zone, etc etc - even if I use different methods as compared to the past (ie, be more supportive, be friendly, handle the "I gotta go" part differently, etc).

 

Sorry guys and gals. Bad night, bad day. Nothing particularly bad happened and the ex was very friendly today. Just inside, I feel dead.

 

I got a lot to think about tonight.

 

LostinVan.

[LostinVan]

Small addendum.

 

I had a dream Thursday night that my ex was dating one of the lusers from the web dating site, and the guy was rough with her. I was in a glass box, and couldn't go to defend her or beat the guy off. I was helpless.

 

So yesterday afternoon, I said something poignant to her.

 

"I know you're dating again, you've told me. I want you to know something. I am worried, and I hope that you are taking care of yourself and being careful with who you choose to go out with. There's a lot of creeps out there, and well, if friends set you up on a date with mutual friends, that's one thing... (left the interent dating thing unsaid).

 

"I just want you to know something. If you ever feel uncomfortable, or need help, or god forbid, something worse happens, please know that I can be the first person you call. I won't judge, I won't guilt trip. I'll just help.

 

I can't say I'm happy you're dating. In fact, I don't like it one bit. But I accept it. My concerns aren't important. All I care about at the moment is your safety and the thought of anything happening to you drives me bonkers".

 

She had a tender look, seemed reassured, and said "okay" (actually a few more words, but the gist was okay).

 

Then I told her I had to get back to work, but was glad I was able to tell her this. To this day, she sees me as "her protector"... (she told me that only a few days ago, and said it was a quality she liked). I probably broke all the rules but I had to say it.

 

LostinVan.

[strong1]

I think it's rather strange that your ex would mention the lipstick on the glass if she DIDN'T care about it. I'd take that as a positive.

 

You are making amazing strides. It's good that you get to have contact w/her almost daily so she can notice the changes in you. I, frankly, would kill for that opp at this point. Nobody (well, my ex I mean) can notice my changes now.

 

Keep up the good work! You're an inspiration to us all.

[Beec]

LostInVan, I might have omitted one or two things from what you said, but otherwise, I like it.

 

The only thing I would have left out is about you not liking her dating. I mean other "In fact, I don't like it one bit." It is very good.

[LostinVan]

Hi Folks. Good to see you back Strong1, I read about your trip and such, sounds like you had a great time.

 

Just a brief update.

 

First, It was one month ago today that I came home in the evening to a note on the stove, and my partner gone

 

So it hasn't been a good day.

 

Second, I haven't seen the ex in three days now:

 

Friday, I left the house before she came over. I didn't get back till 10pm. I went to the office for a bit, then had coffee with the "date" from Wednesday. Felt like crap when I got home. Walked the dog, went to sleep.

 

Saturday, didn't see the ex. She was over in the AM for an hour, and took off quick. I actually slept in a bit, and woke to the sound of her closing the door downstairs.

 

Went to a party I was invited to. Didn't have much a good time. Most of the crowd was younger (more my "date"s age, mid, late 20s). Too much smoking joints and stuff (I don't have a problem with marijuana - I just don't like the smell or do it myself). Got home at 1am. Felt like crap. Went to sleep.

 

The ex said "I might drop by Sunday". I said "great! Just give me a call first to let me know if you are". She said "oh, you mean in case you have guests?" I said "no, just as a courtesy, and I'll make sure I'm here".

 

We also had a bizarre email exchange on Thursday and Friday... but I don't feel comfortable reprinting what she wrote. The gist is, I said I was feeling dead inside at times. She responded saying yes, I feel that way too these days... and I also felt that way for the last few years, especially after our fights.

 

So, she didn't call today or drop by. Once again, I feel extremely depressed and crappy. I made the mistake of listening to the lyrics for a Dido song that were too damned close to my sitch for comfort. Plus I modified the lyrics quite a bit to totally match my sitch. Debating if I should let the ex see it at some point (definitely not now though). Here it is.

 

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,

Or that I should tell you that.

But if I didn't say it, well I'm still feeling it

And where's the sense in that?

 

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder

Or return to where we were.

That life is a life that has to be ended

The past cannot forget the error.

 

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

 

I know I left too much mess and destruction

to come back to that life again

And it seems I caused nothing but trouble

I understand if you can't express love to me again

 

And if you live by the rules of "it's over"

then I'm sure that that makes sense

But inside of me, I feel a new beginning

A new me, something that's heaven sent.

 

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

 

And when we meet, which I'm sure we will

All that was there, will be there still.

For you, I'll let it pass and hold my tongue.

And for your comfort sake, you'll think that I've moved on....

 

For the two of us, I will suffer the pain

The longing, the tears, the love barred.

If that's what it takes to make up the years

You were the one who tried so hard.

 

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

 

LostinVan.

[GeeCee]

Lostinvan

 

I don't think that you are at the point where you can show/play her the Dido song at the moment. You may get there later. Not now tho.

 

G xx