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not sure waht to do or say


dekkard

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so ive been seeing this girl fro about 6 months now and im really in love with her. but theres a problem. about half of the time she is a really fun, enjoyable person to be around and the other half she is angry, jealous, and bitter. i really, really love the good side of her, but her bad side is so overbearing and overtaking that i just don't know what to do. let me explain a little.

 

to start off with, she is extremely insecure, and i don't know what to do with this. i understand that people can be insecure, but she twists it around and uses it against me. for instance, she has made up in her head that i have an "obsession" with large breasts. i don't really care about the size of a woman's chest. i love her for the way she is and I dont' want her to change, but she is constantly bringing up how crappy she feels about her self and always says she wants a boob job. which i tell her i don't want her to get one, because i don't. fake boobs are gross, and getting them will never solve the underlying problems that will continue to exsist. i tell her all the time about how much i love her body and how i think it's perfect and stuff, and those are all honestly the way i feel, but it seems like she just doesn't listen to me.

 

she also resorts to using her insecurity as an excuse to say really sexist things to me. for instance, she claimed that i judge her based on her sexual ability and that i'll leave her if isn't awesome in bed. not sure where she ever got this idea, because i am not and have never been like that towards anyone. when i told her i didn't think that she said something like "oh whatever, you're a guy." i was really offended by this. she'll also say things like "you seem like the kind of guy who fell in love with every girl who talked to you in high school." or "i have to make sure i have a great body because there's a lot of competition out there. i don't want you seeing someone better and just leaving me."

 

a lot of this just flat out hurts my feelings. i feel like she's not giving me any credit and just being sexist. she also gets jealous of my ex's and sometimes just random women who i might know or be friends with. she makes me feel like i'm not allowed to be friends with women, because if i am it's just going to cause her to have feelings of jealousy and mistrust. i do not do this to her, nor do i have any desire to.

 

in a lot of her relationships before we got together she had a big problem with being cheated on. so i understand that some of her insecurity and bitterness is coming from that, but on the other hand i just kind of feel like enough is enough and i shouldn't have to suffer for her previous ex's vicious mistakes. she is always finding ways to bring up that i might be cheating on her, which i'm not and this once again hurts my feelings because i feel like i'm having my love for her constantly questioned.

 

i do not know waht to do. i keep telling her that saying this stuff to me and treating me like this is not okay, but it just seems to keep popping back up. i don't know if i just need to be more understanding and patient or if she needs to realize what she's doing is wrong and see a therapist or whatever if thats what is necessary. she also randomly gets angry and bitter over the tiniest little things, and sometimes will get mad at me for something that i did in a dream she had. its completely irrational.

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well on of the problem i have is that when i'm in bad angry mood i make sure to stay away from other people because i don't want to take it out on any, when i know will. i did this not too long ago and she took personal offense to it. but i kind of take offense to the fact that when shes in a bad mood she has no problem what so ever taking it out on me, which is very unfair. it may be theraputic for her to talk to someone and get it out of her system, but i know its just plain old verbal abuse. its why i refused to do it to her. i don't want to push her away or hurt our relationship. i understand that people want to be there for each other, but if i have an effective, constructive way of dealing with my aggression and depression, isn't that the first thing i should rely on and not go around intentionally hurting the people around me just to make myself feel better? and even then, it wouldn't make me feel better, because afterwards i would feel even worse about being a huge jerk.

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Yeah I would get out of this. The last two girls I dated were like this. You can not fix someones problems. Self issues are a bad thing, but she is lacking more then that. She also has trust issues. Relationships are built on trust. Then you have the anger, see what I am getting at. Lots,Lots, and lots of issues. You cant fix her buddy, try to find someone with a little less baggage.

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im not any any sort of vendetta to fix her or anything, nor do i feel obligated to. she has to fix herself, or want to do that. i feel like she kind of wants to, but doesnt want to have to go see a therapist for it or have to take medication if it comes down to that. im being a lot more communicative in this relationship than i was in previous ones, and im making it very clear to her that what she is doing is hurting me a lot. she tries to justify it by telling me shes insecure, but in my opinion thats just an excuse to be emotionally abusive. i do not believe that is fair to her or i.

 

i dunno. it just sucks because i really do love her, but she doesn't love her self. as a result it creates a rift between us and will for anyone else she'd date as well. i feel like right now she is pretty lucky because i know a lot of people wouldn't hold out this long and wouldn't be this patient, in addition to the fact that i dont especially need someone in my life. i know that sounds kind of... bad i guess, but i don't think anyone should have to have another person in their life to make them happy. first and foremost you need to be happy with yourself. finding someone to share your life with is a really great, but if you depend on it to much it's to hard to be on your own. as a result it can drive people to do some pretty irrational things out of loneliness. i do really REALLY love her. i keep telling her that what she is doing is hurting our relationship. i plan to eventually just break it off if she doesn't try to make a change VERY soon. i just with she'd listen to me and it wouldn't have to come down to something like that.

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I'm personally kind of torn on this: a lot of the issues you are talking about hit very close to home, except in this situation I am the crazy one who tends to lose control of her emotions, so maybe I can at least give you a new perspective on this.

 

You see, my guy was very similar to you in the situation; he was always good at keeping his cool and if he was very upset about something he would keep his distance. I think it boils down to you two dealing with issues in different ways; she is insecure and needs constant reassurance, and to you that may be strange. Maybe she's never dealt with a guy as cool and collected, and in control of his emotions like you are and I bet it drives her a little crazy. It's almost like she's trying to just get a reaction out of you (I've said some pretty crazy things in the heat of the moment that I've regretted). Additionally, she may be so comfortable with you that she thinks it's OK to take out her anger or frustration on you; her guard is down and she no longer has to really think about things before she says them.

 

Personally, I realized how awful I was acting, but it took a WHILE for me to change. I was so determined to make a change and then I would blow up at him again, and afterward swear to myself that I'd never do it again. It took a lot of "I don't think we should ever speak again because you're a crazy * * * * * and I don't care how great you are when you're not angry, I just don't want to deal with this ever again" before I finally got it right. Facing the reality of losing him was what finally got me to go through with it. I really do realize that being emotional and losing control of yourself like that is not a good thing.

The question is does this girl understand that? I do want to say don't give up on her so easily because it's possible that she can change but that change will only happen if she realizes it has to. Ultimately though, even if she can learn to control herself, she may still remain very needy and require constant reassurance from you; something you may not be able to give her.

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(I posted this on the other thread you started, not realizing that it was inactive.)

 

While I think your relationship isn't doomed to get worse, I tend to agree with MsDarcy.

 

I'll offer some other things to consider: you got involved with your current gf very shortly after you ended a 4-year relationship. I'm not saying your current relationship is a rebound, but in such situations you always have to consider that possibility. I wouldn't be surprised if that's in the back of your gf's mind.

 

I agree with you that sexist generalizations are usually not a good thing, or fair. So I hope you'll forgive me for observing that, among my male friends and one notable ex-boyfriend (who met me after being legally separated from his wife, living apart but not yet divorced), guys do have a tendency to jump quickly into a new relationship before they've processed what was going on in the last relationship. Sometimes you're ready by the time a relationship finally ends and you don't need a lot of down time to process what happened. But do you think that's true for you?

 

Anyway, regardless of its source, your gf's behavior is really inappropriate and not something you should sweep under the rug. Her way of handling her negative emotions is borderline abusive. You don't like it. You really shouldn't put up with it. I have to say that 50/50 good/bad isn't the best ratio in a relationship. I'm sure that your gf really does have good qualities that you truly appreciate and admire. But why are you so determined to hold on to a relationship that brings as much strife as happiness into your life? That answer lies within you, surely. Maybe it's part of a larger pattern. Or maybe you're clinging to what really is a rebound relationship after all. Maybe there's another reason ... but it doesn't sound good.

 

I disagree with those who think that an even split between good and bad is reason to stay. Especially if she's not open to working on her issues. ChaosTheory offers some interesting insight into how her mind might be working, but to be honest I don't think that anyone should stick it out with someone who flies off the handle all the time. They do need to learn how to control themselves; I think that lesson is one they should learn on their own, before sucking someone else into their cycles of melodrama. I guess it all boils down to how much you're willing to put up with. When you reach your true limit, you'll walk. Until then, if you stay with her, recognize that she's not forcing you to endure her tantrums -- you've chosen to endure them.

 

Doesn't sound good...

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