Is this a friend?

[blackgnat]

Okay, I have known this guy for 9 years.

 

Our friendship has ebbed and flowed, but now we are especially connected by a website that he's developing and I am writing the content. It's a really good match.

 

Tonight, because of my horrible personal circumstances, i skyped him and asked him if I could come over for an hour. I said that my son was drunk and violent and I really just needed to get out of the house to escape from him. He said "No, not tonight. I feel sick and am going to bed soon"

 

At that point I felt desperate and said, "You will not know I was there, I will sit in another room-I just need to be somewhere safe"

 

Again, he said "I feel bad, I apologize, but no"

 

I said, "Okay, I will find somewhere else. I should not have shared with you"

 

He said, "Sharing is okay, go to Barnes and Noble and have a cup of coffee and relax"

 

To me, this couldn't be more insensitive. I SWEAR that if a friend told me she was having a domestic crisis, I'd say, "I feel ill and am going to bed, but I'll leave the door unlocked so you can get in. Help yourself to anything in the fridge and sit and watch TV or read a book. Make some phonecalls. Make yourself at home."

 

I am SO disappointed that my so-called friend did this.It was basically "Fend for yourself"

 

Any opinions?

[DN]

Did he say in what way he is sick? Throwing up - stuff like that?

[Capricorn3]

It's possible he had a lady friend over and having you there would have made things very uncomfortable for all concerned, so "feeling sick", may have just been an excuse. Just a thought.

[Circe]

Yeah, I was just thinking - does he have a girlfriend?

[blackgnat]

No, he is currently unattached and unemployed and the only thing he does is work on his website.

 

I guess I am hurt that I could not rely on him for somewhere to go. Often times I have been in this abusive situation with my son and I need to leave the house at a moment's notice, sometimes in bare feet, unwashed, etc, and it's not feasible for me to be in a mall or a store.

[DN]

Have you tried a women's shelter?

[Circe]

I guess some people would say that you have to be careful with friendships. That you shouldnt give more than you are truly comfortable giving and that you need to assert your own boundaries, even if that makes your friend unhappy, because true friends respect boundaries.

 

I'm just throwing that out there ... perhaps he is a true friend but just has certain boundaries he won't let you cross. And letting you spend time at his place while he's sick is just not something he's comfortable with - even in the circumstances...

 

Which is tough and must hurt .. but I wouldnt give him up as a friend for it..

[blackgnat]

Indigo, I totally hear what you are saying and I have decided that I must respect his boudnaries if I don't want to lose him.