j44 Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 i have been talking to the ex for the first time solidly in 7-8 months and we have started to get a little close, she keeps telling me how much she loves me and how i'm the only one that has made her feel special and on and on and on, then we get into sex talk and she all over me, then she mentions something to me she wants me to do to her, but i never did it to her b4 and she said it was great, i knew she had sex, but my heart just dropped after that, it was kinky as well, very kinky and i was pretty disgusted, i kinda ended the conversation, i don't know if she did it on purpose but it hurt. why would she tell me that, she said that is what she wanted me to do but still. made me rethink is she the same, i think she might be too different, too dark................ i only wanted to talk to rekindle something........ i dont want sex once. anyone have any hints, i really love her, maybe she just isn't the one. should i give up finally. i am depressed for the first time in awhile now, it feels awful. the girl i met is gone. Link to comment
HouseKitten Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Well, you already knew she had sex with someone else. Just out of interest, how dark was this new sex thing exactly? It could be that you're overreacting a bit because her mentioning this brings up the memory in your mind that of course she has now slept with someone else. But presumably you were broken up at the time - try to think of it as no worse than her sleeping with someone before she was with you. I would not say the girl you met is gone - she has obviously just discovered more parts to herself since you broke up. Link to comment
j44 Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 its not super dark or anything just something i didn't want to know, the bottom line is the only way we would work is big sacrifices, we are far away, and not now even, in the future, i thought we could start talking again but i just dont wanna hear that crap, she tells me how special it was, yada yada yada, but does it really matter. shes out banging other guys, who the hell else knows. Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 ... then she mentions something to me she wants me to do to her, but i never did it to her b4 and she said it was great, i knew she had sex, but my heart just dropped after that, it was kinky as well, very kinky and i was pretty disgusted, i kinda ended the conversation, i don't know if she did it on purpose but it hurt. why would she tell me that, she said that is what she wanted me to do but still ... Call me slow, but I didn't even see the point of that. Link to comment
j44 Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 really ? am i going crazy or something because it really hit me, it wasnt just that its the new crowd shes in, new friends, people she would have shunned before. Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 really ? am i going crazy or something because it really hit me, it wasnt just that its the new crowd shes in, new friends, people she would have shunned before. Let me restate: I couldn't even tell what you were trying to say. Was it that she wanted you to try something new sexually (new between you and her) that she had tried with someone else? If so, you sure didn't make that clear. Link to comment
j44 Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 yes brownstone, thats exactly it, the girl who told me she had to know someone awhile before having sex, blah blah blah, the bottom line is it cant happen she is far away, i dont know if i could be or want to be with her. Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 I don't know how old you guys are, but it sounds as though she's growing as a person and learning new things, and that includes sexual things. That's not necessarily bad. And I don't see any reason that you would be "disgusted" that she has gained some new sexual experience. If you're broken up, you might expect her to experiment. Besides, whatever "dirty thing" it is that she seems to like now, don't you see some goodness that she wants to do it with you? Just my view, but people get way too caught up in the significance of sexual behavior. If you're not currently in a committed relationship with someone, you can't expect them to conform to your sexual guidelines, only to their own. What matters is what does and doesn't happen when you are committed. Link to comment
becca0194 Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Is it possible that the sex act isn't that dark and it is the reality that she was intimate with someone other than you? I am guessing that is the case. I could be wrong here, but I think when a women tells a man they want to try something new sexually..."disgusted" is not the reaction that is usually felt. Again, I could be wrong...but I think most men would love to hear something like that...I think you need to be clear with your feelings what is actually upsetting you. Link to comment
joeBOI Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 j44 i know exactly how you feel. But if you ever did want to get back with her then you have to, HAVE TO get over all what you just mentioned. If thats to hard for you then you definitely have to start to picture/plan a future that does not involve your ex. Go try that 'NEW' sexual experience with some-one else. Boost your ego!!! Link to comment
j44 Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 i wouldn't want to put my hands around someones neck... and put a lil pressure, maybe im old fashioned.... it wouldnt have bothered me as much but it was the way she was saying things, like a porn star, i was like what happened to those morals. Link to comment
HouseKitten Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 i wouldn't want to put my hands around someones neck... and put a lil pressure, maybe im old fashioned.... it wouldnt have bothered me as much but it was the way she was saying things, like a porn star, i was like what happened to those morals. You can like some less than vanilla sex, and still have morals Liking some more out-of-the-ordinary stuff doesn't make you a bad person. She still wouldn't steal a wallet or take drugs or sleep around. She's just found something she enjoys and hell, she wants to share that with you. Remember as well in this current culture, women are constantly reminded that men like porn stars and find them sexy, and enjoy the things they say and do. Obviously that doesn't work in the same way for you, or it may have been that her attempts to appear sexy were misguided or too inexperienced to work, but I wouldn't blame for thinking that you'd be excited, not disgusted by her. Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Liking some more out-of-the-ordinary stuff doesn't make you a bad person. She still wouldn't steal a wallet or take drugs or sleep around. She's just found something she enjoys and hell, she wants to share that with you. A'ight ... by this point ... can't help but wonder what it is she likes to do, huh? Link to comment
j44 Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 i wouldn't want to put my hands around someones neck... and put a lil pressure, maybe im old fashioned.... it wouldnt have bothered me as much but it was the way she was saying things, like a porn star, i was like what happened to those morals. thats what she likes to do. to be choked a bit Link to comment
HouseKitten Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 thats what she likes to do. to be choked a bit If it helps, that's not uncommon. Light bondage play isn't particularly 'advanced' anymore. My most recent boyfriend got me into it and it's something we like to do, it's mostly about power play for us, but even so, it doesn't translate to our morals or behaviour outside the bedroom. Again, she probably thought you'd be excited by the idea. Link to comment
becca0194 Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 Ok, I may be naive, but I have never heard of that type of thing on an intimate level. Link to comment
j44 Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 well i wasn't i was kinda disturbed.... Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 thats what she likes to do. to be choked a bit * Yawn * OK, maybe it's important to you, I can appreciate that, but I don't think this is something upon which to decide the future of your relationship. As long as she doesn't go Michael Hutchence, of course. Link to comment
justletgo07 Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 From a scientific point of view, the lower supply of oxygen to the brain is supposed to enhance your sexual sensations and make it easier to orgasm. It's not a bondage or control thing, and it usually involves just firm pressure, and while not for everyone many people claim it creates a very enhanced sensation. Link to comment
becca0194 Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 I think anything is ok to try, IF both parties are comfortable. I don't blame this poster for being upset. There are apparently still issues to iron out to know if he should be having any kind of sex with her. Link to comment
j44 Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 yes exactly i dont think it will be happening, she just isn't the girl for me, at least i dont think so anymore.......... im very confused right now. Link to comment
becca0194 Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 You stated that she is doing many things that are making you see her in a different light. Was this the icing on the cake for you? Is there a part of you that thinks you want/could work through it? If not, you already have your answer. Link to comment
j44 Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 there is a part of me that wants to work through it, maybe my own insecurities came into play because we were eachothers first and she is learning new things, but it was something that kinda shocked me bacause i didn't see it coming, its like 2 different people, the best thing is probably to put her out of my head and not worry for now, there seems to be no reason to answer her calls as i set myself back,if im going to be with her it is in the future anyways, she is away at school its not like i can just meet up with her, and she has broken a lot of trust with me, i have never with her. i will still answer her every once in awhile but beyond that i see no point, i really don't..... minimum time we'd be together in is a year or 2 its not unrepairable, but it needs time for sure.. Link to comment
becca0194 Posted May 22, 2009 Share Posted May 22, 2009 then give it the time....when you say she broke trust...is that because she was with someone else when you had been broken up? Link to comment
j44 Posted May 22, 2009 Author Share Posted May 22, 2009 not really no, but i think it was starting b4 we broke up..... though at that time we were far away.... Link to comment
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