GF is a Pushover :( - Worried

[cshawns]

I find myself to be a smart guy. Especially for a 20 year old. I'm respectful, I was raised correctly, I make sensible choices, give good advice, and people respect me.

 

but sometimes one cannot see the correct choices, or even any choices at all.

 

I find myself at a loss for what to do. Perhaps the answer is to do nothing and let time figure this situation out.

 

My Situation:

 

I'm in love. NO doubt this is this girl I wish to spend my life with. I would do anything for her. and clearly she the same for I.

 

she lives with her Grandma. she is on a lot of medication and she has some trouble getting around due to extreme tendinitice/arthritice (not sure which, i get those 2 mixed up all the time, sorry).

 

My GF is paying rent to live with her grandma. but her grandma still gives her curfews (she is 19, with a midnight curfew sometimes.)

One say she decided to just stay at my house. and when she told her grandma this, her grandma accused her of not loving her!

This was absurd to me.

She is living with her grandma because she clearly needs her around. but her grandma cant have the least bit of respect for her.

i'm finding myself with extremely harsh feelings towards her grandma, which is very unusal for me. but i just cant stand the way she is trying to control her life.

 

recently there was an incident where her grandma forgot to take her medication. and she started to forget everything.. and i mean like alzheimers. I dunno the whole deal but it wasnt good.

 

to me, its clear that her grandmother needs to live in a place where people can help her.

and my GF cant be living in a place where she being mentally abused by her grandmother. and being turned into a weak woman.

 

SO, MY WHOLE POINT HERE IS: I am afraid of my gf being so much a pushover becasue shes been used to it from her grandma, that i start taking advantage of her without even noticing. right now i constantly make sure that what im doing at all times is in her best interest, but i just dont know how i can help her be a strong woman. i cant always be watching this thigns i do and say. im sure someday i will be extremely drunk. though its rare. i want her to be able to control me if i happen to get out of hand! (thats not a genuine worry. but its just an example of the importance of her being a strong woman)

 

AGH!!

[Greedy Toad]

Most of what you have written (and I must say, quite badly) is rubbish.

 

Your girlfriend is not being mentally abused by your grandmother.

[dreamwarrior]

Stay out of her family problems...that is her grandmother. If you don't know about the elderly and geriatric care old people tend to be very needy when in sickly conditions. If you go up against granny you may cause alot of resentment in your gf and then there will be big big issues.

 

Where is your gf's parents? They need to be taking care of this situation, perhaps looking into senior living assistance. Old people can be very very strong willed and stubborn.

 

My advice keep your distance from the gf's family problems. Granny has a right to be grouchy...shes old and wiser and your gf does live in HER home...so until you and her find a place to move to or she moves out on her own...Granny rules !

 

Also her grandmother loves her and wants what is best for her and for one she probably don't want her to get pregnant!

 

BTW...your gf don't need to learn how to control you...YOU need to control you...if I have to control a man he will be on the curbside!

[cshawns]

agreed her family issues are for her family. I should leave them there.

 

her father ran off when she was young. and her mother lives with the stepdad about an hour away, and comes over every other weekend. but they threw her to the grandma when she was young. i asked her how long shes been living with her grandma, and she says she cant remember when she wasnt living with her grandma. so its definitely been a long time.

 

and ya i totally agree that if shes living with her grandma she has rules to follow. for instance..

her grandma sleeps in the living room because she cant sleep on a bed. therefore dont come home and wake her up at 1am.

makes perfect sense.

but she is a grown woman, and a tennant paying rent, so she shouldnt accuse her of not loving her if she doesnt come home. when clearly she loves her, she has been taking care of her for years and she cant even think of anything else but her grandma. when we hang out she always worries about her grandma. its always about her.

 

agh i think her whole family situation just worries me. i think thats my problem. i see very little respect between family members. and i guess thats pretty normal. but its not normal for me.. like.. my family has its share of disfunction. but we all respect eachother. we dont yell at eachother and we definitely respect eachothers rights. i guess that makes me spoiled somehow?

 

 

you say that if you have to control a guy, you would kick him to the curb.

good for you.

THAT IS MY WORRY!

if my gf ever needed to kick me to the curb. which god willing will never need to happen. but if she needed to. i dont think she could, and that is NOT THE WAY IT SHOULD BE.

THAT is my whole point.

 

i will always treat her with respect, and make sure she knows that she only deserves the best.

i say that now, but who am i to say i cant change? or what if im not there for something?

just realistically speaking.. shouldnt she have a little more power within herself?

 

i just want her to be ok.. always...

 

 

im gonna go out on a limb and say...

actually i guess this is probably more of a stump im standing on..

this is probably just a place for me to complain, because i really dont want to complain to my gf.. cuz i really dont want to screw this up.

I love her so much, and would live through anything for her. and would give my life to protect her.

and because i love her, i in turn love her grandma. shes really a sweet lady sometimes.

i just need to get over the standards i have for the way people should act.

[dreamwarrior]

I have taken care of many elderly people doing home health care in my 20's and believe you me it's NOT easy! I won't bore you with all the details of it, but as people age their minds deteriorate...some of those reasons may be due to Alzheimer's, dementia and other issues...so you never know what could be the underlying factor for her behavior.

 

So, my best suggestion is work together and find your own place and she can stop by to see her grandmother daily to make sure she is okay.

 

Don't worry everything will be fine...perhaps you may try getting to know grandma and be more helpful to both women...if your gf sees this she might even love you more that you care about her family...work with...not against...*wink wink*

[cshawns]

good advice DW. good advice.

sometimes its fairly simple like that. though we cant see it ourselves.

im glad there are places where we can go anonymously, and good people like you who can show us these things.

[d24]

it's not abuse, it is however emotional blackmail. if your gf is happy to do it though I don't think it's your place to bring it up - it's her burden not yours realistically if her grandma needs help, and your gf is unable or unwilling to do this, you need to sit down and have a serious chat. It won't be fun or easy, but it'll only get worse if you procrastinate.

[lovepink]

realistically if her grandma needs help, and your gf is unable or unwilling to do this, you need to sit down and have a serious chat. It won't be fun or easy, but it'll only get worse if you procrastinate.

 

For sure... but is the gf aware that her grandmother may need help? Sometimes the people the closest are blind to it. If she has dealt with this 'behavior' from her grandmother, she'd be used to it. An outsider will see it as something thats not quite right.