i need your help

[faithful14]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for over two years (we actually broke up for a couple months back in november because we were fighting and we got back together).

 

Anyways, a few nights ago we got into a heated argument, my boyfriend said that we should break up but he said that he was in the heat of the moment and he didn't mean it. The problem here is that he has done this two -three times before. When we got back together, he promised he wouldn't do it unless he meant it for good. it just kind of makes me sick to my stomach that he's ready to throw this relationship away on whenever he can't deal. After this argument, he apologized and made dinner for me the next night to to make it up to me. While what he did was nice, it makes me wonder if he really cares about being with me (he says he does love me a lot).

 

Is there any way i can show him that he can't pull this crap again? I've told him already that i'm out the next time he does this, but is there any way to show with my actions that i'm serious???

 

This has been really bothering me and i just need some help here. I do love him and want to make this relationship work so anything help would be appreciated. Thanks!

[_Asti_]

I would talk to him, not in a heated argument.

Ask him why he does this, how it makes you feel, and what his actions in doing so is doing to you.

 

Aside from that, just trust his words until he does it again. And when he does, you walk away for good.

 

Its the fact that he knows he can do it, because you two always get back together...why does he keep doing it..is what you need to know...

 

But for this, I think if he does it again, he may just have to learn the hard way..that you commit and work through it..or walk away for good.

 

Its nice that you want this to work, but does he? Truly.

Someone who wants to make it work wouldn't be jumping ship during an argument, time and time again.

Theres two people in a relationship, and the "its over" game playing will get old, till the point its over for good..but only when you stand your ground will it stop.

He continues to do it because he can get away with it..there's no consequence to those words.

[faithful14]

is that the reason then? He just really doesn't care about being with me?

[_Asti_]

is that the reason then? He just really doesn't care about being with me?

 

I don't know, only he can answer why he keeps saying ITS OVER, when you fight.

Is it because he's just plain tired of the fighting?

Maybe its time to figure out the sources and reasons of your arguments, instead of focusing on why he says that.

Focus on the source of what is causing him to want it to be over.

 

But I would be hurt if my guy jumped to that conclusion time and time again. And then came crawling back, or had to do the break up and make up after every fight.

 

What happens when a bigger issue arises? Beyond a simple argument? Is there something deeper going on with him in terms of commitment? Why does he shoot those words out during a rocky moment? What happens when a real rocky moment comes up? Why does the relationship have to end during a fight, can you two not maturely sit down and work through the issue?

 

I'd be concerned about the lack of committment during tough times, to me..a persons behavior when things are rough shows the relationships true strength, and what the people are made of.

Thats my two cents.

[faithful14]

we do fight and there are times where he says he can't take stress of it. I mean, the thing here is, every other time he has said "we should break up" (with the exception of back in november) he never followed through with it. He said it but then after a few minutes then he realizes thats not what he wants.

 

I have in the past given him the opportunity to just walk away but he doesn't want to. So i don't know if he just says that in an argument to gain control...or....uhhhh i don't know...i'm just confused

[_Asti_]

And what happens when he says it?

Does the fighting stop? Does he get control? Does your behavior change?

Have you asked him straight out why he does it?

 

What do you guys fight about and argue about?

Have you tried finding other ways to communicate your issues, or pick your battles wisely so that an argument or fighting doesn't occur?

 

I guess its almost like a suicidal person who says they want to die, but in reality they just want the pain to stop..maybe horrible example..but he's saying that because at that moment he's not enjoying the relationship, no one likes to fight...I'd be concerned about the fights and arguments reaching a point where he does say it, and does actually walk away...no one likes to fight and argue, and I would try and work on that aspect..and maybe not focus on those words..he's saying it because he hates this part of the relationship, he hates it so much ending the relationship would be better/easier..and there may come a time when those words will come out and they will be true. Its happened before, and there's nothing to say that it won't happen again for good.

 

Maybe talk to him about it, see what he says, if he agrees.

Find better ways of communicating and working through issues..I think its pretty clear as to why he says it during those moments alone..because during those fights...the relationship isn't good. No one wants to be in a relationship where theres constant fighting or arguing.

[faithful14]

I think you got it .....it actually makes sense when someone else says it....

[SunniDee]

Sounds like it's his way of really getting your attention. I had an ex that used to do that. At first I used to get upset and beg them to reconsider. After a while I realized it was a scare tactic used to get my attention. It's manipulative if you think about it, and I really didn't appreciate being manipulated no matter what his intentions were. So I called his bluff. Started packing my stuff and getting ready to go. And the last time I did this I ended it for real.

 

There's no use wasting time with people who are going to play games like this. Maybe you do need to just sit down and have an honest heart to heart with him if he's worth it. But if you do this and he still continues to pull this unfair card up in arguments down the line, it's time to re-evaluate whether you want to deal with the emotions that come with it.

[faithful14]

i will. We both are still in finals so sometime this week, i will pull him aside and talk to him about it. I do really think he's worth it because this is his only big flaw and i do love him more than anything. I just hope he realizes how serious i am and hurtful it is to do this.

[Circe]

At the beginning of my relationship I used to use the "maybe this won't work" line a lot. It was my way of saying "i'm feeling heaps of upset emotions right now, I want you to know that."

 

It was really, really stupid. I stopped when I truly realised what it was doing to him and how much it was hurting him. In the end I made a promise to never say it again. And I had to work hard at the beginning because it would just appear on my lips so easily. I really had to work on swallowing it.

 

But I never, ever meant it. And I love him to bits and either loved him (or at least cared very deeply) back when I was acting like that too. I just couldnt manage my emotions well and really had to learn to communicate better and learn how you can and can't fight in relationships.

 

The quicker he learns the better. You just have to talk to him and explain in a way he can understand, what it's doing to you to hear those words. Ask him how he'd feel if you kept threatening to break up with him? Explain it scares you and hurts you and it gets hard to recover from the hurt. Tell him when he says that, you entirely believe him. You don't see it as a silly bank threat. You completely believe him and you feel all the devastating feelings that come with an actual break up and its just too much emotional trauma to deal with on a regular basis without it doing permanent damage to your feelings for him.

[faithful14]

thanks for everyone's advice, it makes me feel so much better. Thanks Indigo, i really liked the way you explained it, it made much more sense. I think that i'm not explaining it in a way where he truly understands how hurtful it is to say something like that.