I need as many opinions as possible...

[hometownguy18]

So...where do I begin? This will be long, but there is a lot on my mind right now...so many questions need answers and opinions...

 

News came up tonight. My best friend, like a brother, found out my ex slept with another guy. I took it hard. Actually, really hard. I cried, I sobbed, I ran until I couldn't run anymore. My buddy caught up to me and I looked at him. As I started to calm down, I asked him if he still thought we were going to be together...and he told me he didn't think so.

 

So he called her. He wanted to know what she had been thinking. He asked her if she still loved me...and she told him that she didn't know what it was like to be "over" somebody, so she couldn't really say. She just said that she was at the point where she looked over her shoulder and just saw me as a friend. It was strange. As we both listened to this conversation, we got some sort of gut feeling things weren't over. Maybe it was that she finally admitted that she didn't know what the future brings...but as for now...if you were to ask her, she would tell you there was no hope for us and we would never be together.

 

He asked her if she wanted him not to tell me (her not knowing he already had), and she said she just didn't want me to flip out about it, call her up, talk to her parents and what not. But she never said no. She said he figured he would, but that she just wanted to make sure I wasn't going to flip.

 

They hung up, and my friend and I talked. He said he had a bit more confidence in everything, but still had his doubts. Keep in mind, this is the most optimistic guy I know...

 

We walk for a bit, and about 5 minutes later, my ex calls me up. She tells me she has something to say, figured my buddy was going to say it, and asked who I wanted to hear it from. I played dumb, sort of happy go lucky, and told her to do what she thought was right. She ended up telling me what she did. I told her I didn't care. It hurt, but that I loved her enough to be able and overcome it. We sort of went into this whole thing about saying how I was sorry for the mistakes I've made, but was glad, because it opened my eyes up to something bigger...making myself a different person.

 

I told her I loved her, and that nothing she could ever say or do will ever change that. I said even if she slept with 10 guys, I would still be able to get over it just because of my love. She said that was silly, and that I wouldn't have any respect for myself if I did that. I told her it wasn't about respect, but about following your heart. I told her that I was the right person for her, that I knew that, after she told me she didn't think I was. Then we sort of talked about our relationship in the past and present. About how we were both young and made mistakes, and better for her to wonder what's out there now than 20 years down the line. I told her if we ever got back together in the future, it wouldn't be the same...it would be a brand new relationship. She told me that she wouldn't really bring things about him up too much anymore. We even talked about how she got freaked out about the thought of me proposing to her. I told her I was a lovesick fool at the time I said that and not to worry too much into it anymore. That even if we were in a relationship again...it would start off slow, nowhere near where we left off.

 

There were parts where she got uncomfortable with it, I sensed it, so I let it drop. I listened to her talk about everything. About how she was happy doing what she was doing, that she was probably making plans to have sex with this guy again. I asked her a little about it in a joking fashion. I asked her if it at least nice...and not some dirty back of the car sex...she laughed hearitly out loud, admitting it was. Then, keeping it light and joking, asked her who was better, me or him? She said she didn't want to get into it (still light) and I pressed it jokingly until I got the hint nothing was going to come out. I told her it was good to hear her laugh like that again though, she made a comment that it wasn't, but continued to laugh. She told me nothing would come from this guy because he would be leaving soon. She then added as a side note that she wasn't looking for a relationship anyway.

 

She told me that through some of the lies that she didn't really know me anymore. I said I was sorry to hear about that, and disagreed. She also told me that she wasn't the romantic anymore that she once was...more of a realist (claiming this was the real her). I told her I felt sorry for her, because being a romantic and having that much faith in love is amazing and so gratifying in the long run. I told her that I still believed in my heart we would be together, but that it wouldn't get in the way of our friendship at all. She said she was slightly uncomfortable with me having these feelings. I assured her I wouldn't bring them upand that if she wanted distance still, to go for it. She never said she did...never said she didn't...but I told her that I had to be honest about my feelings. I told her that it hurt me to think of her with another guy, but it wasn't going to bother me as badly as she thought. I told her I understood that this is all about her going out and seeing what's out there, and I wished her the best of luck with it.

 

I told her me being honest about what I have done in the past was a necessity. I told her I actually did start having sex with another girl (while we were apart), but that I stopped out of respect to myself, my ex, and this girl. I told her that I had to be honest about my feelings for her too. That I couldn't just lie to her the whole time. I also told her that I understood my "word" had about as much weight as a feather in a hailstorm, but that trust was an issue we needed to deal with in our love life past and in our friendship now. She admitted to me that if I were to ask her now, she would say there isn't a chance at all...but she also admitted who knows what the future may bring.

 

Much was said. We talked for over an hour. Whenever she became too uncomfortable in the conversation, I could sense it and I let things drop. I listened, then talked as she listened too. No fighting was done...it was all civil. I even ended it. I told her that I respected her for telling me what she did, and that I'd talk to her again.

 

So what do you think? I mean, why would she tell me this stuff herself? If she indeed has moved on...why would she even really care? She said she understood if I didn't want to be friends now...and I told her that if she cared, she'd fight for my friendship. She said she just didn't want me hurt...not give me false hope...the usual stuff.

 

However she DID talk to me! lol. She talked for along while, and nothing bad really came of it...no fighting...no arguing...no pleading...no begging...just talking. It was nice. I'm even taking the news well. I actually have more faith...more peace about it happening than I did before. Even my buddy has faith again. Are we wrong? What does this all mean? Where do I go from here? And can anyone explain why I feel so confident about it even after what occurred tonight? I mean...1.5 months of being out a 5 year relationship and she suddenly is sleeping with another guy casually (one thing she always chastised people for and was never like before). Why do I have this confidence even in the face of overwheling odds?

[hometownguy18]

Especially you Morrigan...I would really appreciate your input on this also.

[Hopingpraying]

Hometown,

 

I don't think she has moved on. She cannot shut off her feelings for you anymore than you can shut them off for her, however, it sounds like she has some trust issues with you, and those take time to work out.

 

If you really want this girl back into your life, and from your post it sounds like you do, then you will really have to take a backseat for awhile. If you can be friends with her while she dates other people then go for it, if you cannot then I would reccomend doing the no contact routine that you can find out about on this message board.

 

When I say no-contact that just means I wouldn't go out of your way to contact her. Let her contact you..

[hometownguy18]

Any ideas as to how I should react when put in a situation regarding people she is seeing? What about me? Should I make myself appear interested in others...maybe being a little harder to get? Or should I continue to let her believe that no matter what she ever says or does that I will always love her...damn my true helpless romantic heart. Us pure ones are so rare, and so freaking confusing.

[Hopingpraying]

I think you should do what comes natural. Focus on yourself and fixing the issues you had in the previous relationship. It sounds like you may not of been totally honest with her. So don't try to make her think you are dating someone else when you are not. And don't go out to get into another relationship with the sole purpose of making her jealous. Thats not fair to you, her, or the other person.

 

The bet thing you can do is better yourself as a person so hopefully she will see the things in you that attracted her in the first place.

 

It sounds like it will be a little bit longer before you can just "be Friends" with her. So take that time to make yourself better and not focus so much on her or what she is doing. Easier said then done when it feels like you have someone standing on your chest, but trust me, you can do it. And each day you will feel better for it.

 

As for how you should react... I would react with indifference. definitely don't make a scene or try to beat the guy up. If anything be nice too her. Doing the opposite will only push her away further..

[hometownguy18]

By the way...we obviously have the trust issues...and any advice on how to fix it would be great. But at the same time, she also has been with me since she was 15, and she's 20 now...she claims she has to see what else is out there...is time the only thing that will make that go away? Or can I do anything to perhaps turn her head my way a bit quicker?

 

Also, I broke down. I talked to her a little online tonight. Little tiny chit chat regarding school work and what not turned into her questioning whether or not she should have told me about the guy she slept with. I played it as cool as possible, and told her that I was indifferent about it. She ended it saying she wouldn't talk about her sex life anymore.

 

Any advice?

[hometownguy18]

By the way...I just found out that she didn't actually go all the way with this guy...just played gobble gobble while he played with his hands. (sorry, didn't know how else I'd put it). Yet last night, we were talking about it...she claimed she had sex with this guy, and she told me that they used protection. Now why would my ex go ahead and make a lie like that up to me?