I want it to be over

[rapunzel]

I had a month of No Contact and the thoughts of him started to fade.

 

Then I saw him at rehearsal last Monday and that month was thrown out the window. But I don't want to quit and give up all the work I've done for two years because of him. It's been 8 months. He's back on link removed, so I guess things didn't work out with the new girl but who knows? He is still "friends" with her per his account. If he was sleeping with her, would he be back on match? He told our bandmate that he was not with her, that they were just "friends". But none of this should matter to me and again, I am wasting my precious time on a man who has moved on. What we do know is that he is NOT with me.

 

The last two Memorial day weekends I spent with him. This year it will be different and that's a good thing. I have no future with this man. I know he likes me and he wants to be friends, but we all know that doesn't work. I cannot be "friends" with him.

 

So in just a few weeks I'll pass that milestone and then firmly on the road to acceptance. I have to get through my birthday in June (and I have to stop wondering how he will acknowledge it - my guess is I will get an email wishing me a happy birthday), and then his 50th birthday in July.

 

That's a huge milestone for any person. Will there be a band party? Who knows? My plan is to be out of town and if his birthday comes up, I'll casually say happy birthday. He gave ME up so I feel no obligation to go out of my way for his 50th. He can get "friendship" from his new gal friend. I will be nowhere to be found. I wish I was not thinking about this future event, but there you have it.

[rapunzel]

I realize that by continuing to talk about him to friends and my sisters, etc. keeps him central in my thoughts so I've made a conscious effort to stop talking about him. If they ask "oh, how was your rehearsal" after a month of No Contact, I say "it was fine" and leave it at that. I don't need to go into hyperanalysis of how he said this, or looked a certain way, or whatever...because none of it matters. I've made some progress in this area and will continue.

 

I don't have to dread the future because I don't know what it holds. Anything could happen. I am not "destined" to be alone because this one man did not want me. In fact, I do not want him....what I want is a fantasy of him. It's not who HE is and he never WAS. When I really think about it, I know I would be so unhappy with someone like him. The physical attraction is only one element and I know that the longing I feel is due partly to abandonment issues, and wanting what I can't have - because I'm human like everyone else.

 

In the end, I really only do have myself and I have to take care of myself first and foremost. This includes doing things to ensure contentment and peace of mind. I want to find a nicer place to live, buy a condo and make a home for myself. This is what I need to focus on and NOT him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds like you are in a better place than before. You are coming to accept what is and not what you hoped it could be. Sure you will still feel pain and discomfort..but you are most definitely moving down the path of healing quite well.

[lavenderdove]

>>If he was sleeping with her, would he be back on match?

 

Of course he would be back on link removed. He's shown again and again that he likes to hop from woman to woman. He's just not a good candidate for ANY woman... he tries them on for size, gets bored, then moves on.

 

You are much better than you were, but you really might benefit from practicing thought stopping in regards to him. Just take a zero tolerance policy towards dwelling on him. If you get used to NOT thinking about him when you don't see him, then seeing him now and again won't have as big an effect on you because you won't be indulging in fantasies about him when he's not around.

[rapunzel]

Well, he has told me and others that he only dates one woman at a time. He may like to keep a few stringing but I do believe he doesn't sleep with more than one at a time. Yet I know he is still spending time with her, he brought her to our drummer's other show last week.

 

Anyway, none of it matters. It should not concern me as it is not me he is with. I do need to be serious about the thought stopping as I admit that he does still consume a large amount of my brain space. I did SO much better when I was on vacation, in a different locale, with 4 weeks of not seeing him.....which made it clear that with a few months of No Contact, I would be totally over him. So it will take twice as long with the contact but I have decided to stick it out with the band for a few more months anyway. I can leave anytime but CAD has advised me in the past (thanks!) that I will probably regret it and I think she is right.

[rapunzel]

And I know it is completely fruitless and a waste of time.

 

September - he breaks up with me, "can't give me what I want" even though I never told him I wanted anything.

 

By end of September - he has an ad on link removed

 

December 29th - he sends me a "you're so wonderful, thank you for everything, hope you will always be my friend" letter.

 

January 24th - brings a new (younger) woman to our show, is openly holding hands, touching and canoodling. They leave together at 1:30AM.

 

February 14th - sends a group email invite, including me, asking people if they want to go out and hear some music the next week.

 

February 17th - calls me and asks me if I want to go out and see some music that night. First social call since break up. I don't call back. I tell our mutual band mate (in confidence) that I am thinking of quitting the band, seriously, as I don't want to put myself through this.

 

End of March - I tell mutual bandmate I think I have to leave the band. He goes to my ex and spills the beans, tells ex I was upset when he brought new girl around. Ex tells bandmate he is no longer seeing this girl, they are just friends and they are NOT a couple. Ex calls me and I am honest, that it hasn't been an easy situation (with the inability to NOT see each other) and tell him I don't understand why he was calling me to go out just a few weeks after he brings new gal around. Seems like very weird timing. Ex says he's very sorry he hurt me, hoped we could be friends and that he REALLY doesn't want me to quit. I ask him if HE liked it when his ex wanted to be "friends" and he says, "NO, I didn't like it at all".

 

April - I go on vacation and don't see him for 4 weeks. When I come back he's back on link removed but I overhear that he brought a "gal he met back in December" to our drummer's other show and I know it was her - and this is why he sent me the "closure" letter - they are now "friends". I doubt it. He is probably stringing her along as "friends" as he did me and his ex. He can't commit. I am upbeat at our last rehearsal, he seems very interested to learn about my vacation and my big gig with rock stars.

 

Here is it May. May is when we got together two years in a row. Blame it on spring fever. I know I have to break the cycle, since he is technically single it could mean he could come sniffing around again. I keep BLAMING myself and wishing he did not know how hurt I was MONTHS after break up. But I'm human, and it happened. I was put on the spot and I was honest. I could only put up a front for SO long. So what, sue me for being human. Perhaps my honesty turned him off and I won't have to deal with any more advances.

 

I'm just writing this as I want to break free this month FOR good, even though I am not leaving the band (yet). If he is dating this younger woman, or any other woman, I should just be GLAD it is not me and feel sorry for the girl as he will probably break her heart too. I will NOT let him affect my mood. I will go to rehearsal and have a good time, and who cares what he thinks, wants, feels. I am master of my own brain and I can choose my thoughts. I choose to think it is OVER and I do NOT want him in my life other than as a bandmate.

[lavenderdove]

Or he is lying to you and she is really his girlfriend, but he doesn't want you to know because he's been told you'll quit the group because of her.

 

This guy doesn't treat any of the women in his life well, and has a pattern of losing interest every 6 months or so. He's just not good relationship material, and you need to accept that. You need to fight hard to really see him as the flighty guy that he is.

[rapunzel]

Well I do think he's stretching the truth when he says they are "friends" but it's odd he is back on link removed. He's very frugal and would not spend the money if he was seeing someone. I hate to admit I checked his profile today (I also look at other people, as I'm interested in meeting someone else!) and it says "active in the last 2 weeks". Which also seems odd. I know I have to STOP looking, and stop trying to figure out what is going on with him.

 

I have to go tonight, and be happy, and content in the knowledge that I was not dragged through anything prolonged with him. Last week I felt good (maybe because I was coming off the high of my big show). And whatever he does or says, I have to just let it go as it means nothing. The summer is going to be fine, without him. The last two summers are just memories....

[Tanzi]

I know he likes me and he wants to be friends, but we all know that doesn't work. I cannot be "friends" with him.

 

 

"Friends" just doesn't work when one of you still has feelings for the other. I did it for 8 long months. All I did was prolonge the agony. I have ended our "friendship" now. He is sad but faced with faced with the prospect of being back in a proper relationship with me or not never seeing me "as friends" again he would obviously chose the latter.

 

My ex is a lovely man and someone who is a brilliant friend to have. Maybe one day when I am healed we can be friends in the true sense of the word ... but not until then.

 

The only way to truly move on is to have them out of your life completely - difficult I know when your paths keep crossing as yours do (or as in my ex-husbands case because we have 3 children together). Try your hardest not to look at his profile. Believe me what you are doing is not odd. We don't really want to know what they are doing yet we can't help ourselves. I met my ex on a dating site and I did exactly the same as you. Since I started Superdaves 30 Day No Contact Challenge here on ENA (Rule No 2 being no checking up on any type of site lol) I now don't even think about doing it. Its like a habit that you have to break. They are a habit we have to find the strength to break.

[CHANGING]

I am going to speak from the heart, because you sound EXACTLY like me. Tell me if I am right. You were in love with man wholley and completely. He abandoned you. didn't seem to care about your feelings. You probably got no answers to your questions of "Why". He told you he loved you, but was not in love with you. He started dating, but that's not really going that well for him, but still he continues. You are still a part of his life if for no other reason work or homelife or whatever. He is still basically nice to you and you read more into that than there really is.

 

So the question is...........How DO you move on when in your heart, being an intelligent, rational woman, as much as you know it doesn't make sense, as much as you know you deserve someone's complete love, as much as you know he could give a rat's ass about you..........You still love him?

 

All I can say is I give you so much credit for continuing to try to move on. I think we will all get there at some point. I think in the end the dumpers will be the lonely unhappy ones, and the dumpees will find love....because we were forced to look at life differently, ironically because of them.

 

We will all have different healing times. Some sooner than others.

 

YOU WILL GET THERE! YOU WILL FIND YOUR "REAL" LOVE.

[Tanzi]

I think we will all get there at some point. I think in the end the dumpers will be the lonely unhappy ones, and the dumpees will find love....because we were forced to look at life differently, ironically because of them.

 

 

I have found this to be the case on many many occasions. I'm sure the dumpers move on eventually too but, ironically, I find that the dumpees find true happiness quicker.

[sillygurl]

I have found this to be the case on many many occasions. I'm sure the dumpers move on eventually too but, ironically, I find that the dumpees find true happiness quicker.

 

Oh boy did I need to hear that today!

 

I'm sure we'd all appreciate more details about finding true happiness quicker, if you feel like expanding on this topic! ;-)

[rapunzel]

I hope you are right. I turn 48 next month and I have a hard time being hopeful about meeting someone. And having to see him once every week or two does make healing quite prolonged.

 

Just in my defense - I know what you mean when you say "doesn't give a rat's ass". I think he feels the way about me that I feel about my ex-ex. I care about him, even love him but am not IN love with him. This guy likes me, even cares about me perhaps, but does not view me as a romantic partner.

 

That IN-love feeling is so fleeting though, and I think it's what everyone wants but it goes away....no matter who you are with. It's not based in reality, however. I do think it's important to be there in the beginning though. This is why I regret what happened with my current ex, as I do believe he was quite smitten with me...but through circumstances I did not play the game right, and ended up as the "one-down", thus the dumpee. I do believe that games need to be played when faced with someone you feel those "in-love" feelings for, otherwise you are destined to be the one-down (read the Passion Trap for a great synopsis of relationship dynamics.)

[rapunzel]

I woke up this morning to a group email invite from him. I'm just included on the list of people he is extending an invitation to, to see a jazz show which is within walking distance from where I live. It's tonight, and I have nothing to do.

 

But of course, I will not respond. He just mindlessly includes me on these things as I'm part of the band. I don't understand why he doesn't just pick up the phone and call a few of these people, his friends, to see if they want to go rather than send out these mass emails (he sent it to 14 of his friends, and 7 band members), which to me make him look sort of desperate. Maybe I'm being too critical but it's like he's casting this wide net to see if anyone will go to the show with him. At least I know he's not bringing a hot date.

 

In the past I was often the only person who would respond. He must know there's a chance I would respond as I'm on the list but I think he doesn't even think about it.....cuz he doesn't really care, either way. He wants to be friends with me and I told him in so many words I don't want to be "friends" with him. After the awkward and emotional talk we had on the phone about 6 weeks ago, you would think he would not include me on these invitations. But he did and so what, right? Doesn't mean a thing.

[lavenderdove]

>>At least I know he's not bringing a hot date.

 

This is irrelevant to you, and you need to stop thinking about him as a romantic partner and stop being concerned about whom he dates. He's seeing you as 'one of the guys' now and not as a romantic partner, and you need to work to get him firmly into that category yourself.

 

You got included because you are probably on a group mailing list he has for the band, so whenever he mails the band list, you will get the email.

 

You need to focus really hard on disciplining yourself to immediately delete any email from him that doesn't pertain to the band itself, and quit speculating on what he's doing, who he's with, what he's thinking etc. You need to work on demoting him to just being just 'one of the guys' too.

 

You need to plan social activities with other people that get you out of the house and keep you busy rather than dwelling on him. And if you can't get past this in another couple months, you need to get counseling or else quit the band for a while until you are no longer thinking about him this way. Your mental health and happiness is your first priority, and he is a source of constant pain for you. So your priority is to do what it takes to get him out of your head, including thought stopping.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It doesn't sound like he is up to any tricks. You are just very sensitive to everything he does. Had he sent an email around to the whole group or called them all but excluded you, you would have been very hurt. It is actually kinder that he includes you because being ignored and treated differently from the rest of the group would actually be a lot worse. You can choose to ignore the emails, not respond, not go to the event...but at least he is affording you the courtesy so you won't feel left out of the group.

[CatsMeeoow]

I kind of agree R - that he isn't doing anything he wouldn't do with someone else. I imagine he hasn't given it a thought that you are on that list. I have lists compiled like that and I often don't pay attention to who is on it since there are so many people... I just hit "group".

 

If it bothers you send a polite email asking him to remove you from anything that isn't band related. I'm sure he would comply.

[rapunzel]

It doesn't sound like he is up to any tricks. You are just very sensitive to everything he does. Had he sent an email around to the whole group or called them all but excluded you, you would have been very hurt. It is actually kinder that he includes you because being ignored and treated differently from the rest of the group would actually be a lot worse. You can choose to ignore the emails, not respond, not go to the event...but at least he is affording you the courtesy so you won't feel left out of the group.

 

perhaps "tricks" was a poor choice of words. He used to do this a lot when we were broken up the first time and one of the guys told me it was a fishing expedition, to see if I would bite. I never thought that was the case. I agree that it might be worse if he excluded me. This is why I don't understand why he doesn't just pick up the phone and call a few friends. Whatever, he does what he does and it has nothing to do with me.

[rapunzel]

I kind of agree R - that he isn't doing anything he wouldn't do with someone else. I imagine he hasn't given it a thought that you are on that list. I have lists compiled like that and I often don't pay attention to who is on it since there are so many people... I just hit "group".

 

If it bothers you send a polite email asking him to remove you from anything that isn't band related. I'm sure he would comply.

 

Right, but Cats, if YOU knew that your ex was still feeling badly and you had just recently had a conversation about it, you WOULD be sensitive to the fact that that person was included in your email. Perhaps he didn't give it a thought but I don't believe you or I would do something like that without giving it a thought, even if we were the ones who did not want the relationship. I'm not going to ask him to remove me, I don't want to have that kind of interaction with him while I"m still in the band. He's had enough ego stroking from me.

[rapunzel]

I was mostly venting, I wake up in the morning and it's the first email I see. He sent it at 1:45AM last night.

 

I know he does not see me as a romantic partner. And I know he will continue to date and I will continue to have to watch him dating. Whether or not I can handle it is yet to be determined.

 

I am out doing social things with other people. I don't stay home and dwell on him. Thanks for your thoughts.

[CatsMeeoow]

Right, but Cats, if YOU knew that your ex was still feeling badly and you had just recently had a conversation about it, you WOULD be sensitive to the fact that that person was included in your email. Perhaps he didn't give it a thought but I don't believe you or I would do something like that without giving it a thought, even if we were the ones who did not want the relationship. I'm not going to ask him to remove me, I don't want to have that kind of interaction with him while I"m still in the band. He's had enough ego stroking from me.

 

Isn't it exhausting that one guy has so much power over you? If you don't want the emails then politely state such... who cares what he thinks? This is about you and your power... honestly who's to say it wouldn't knock his socks off that you are strong enough to set such clear boundaries???

 

If getting such an email guts you -- you don't have to tell him that... just politely ask that he only sends emails if it directly relates to the band. Enough said.

 

AND - just because you and I may be more careful about signals we send out quite frankly not everyone is. He may think that it helps to smooth things over to include you... even though its not... Unless you clearly state to him what you would like don't expect him to read your mind.

 

I know this is tough. I do feel your pain but until you feel ready to reclaim your power you will continue to spin your wheels over something like an email. You are choosing to stay in the band... this will be part of that unless you let him know your boundaries.

 

Hugs

[rapunzel]

Well, speaking of emails I received this one Sunday morning, from him, 2 months after we had our phone conversation (after I was outed by my bandmate):

 

Dear R,

 

I am very happy that you are staying with the Band. It would have been a real drag to loose you from this project.

I hope you are thoroughly enjoying the beautiful weekend. See ya tomorrow night.

Sincerely,

X

I never told him I was staying with the band, but I guess it appears implicit. I feel I can walk at any time if things become unbearable. I will admit they haven't gotten much better.

 

I did not respond to the email, as I saw him at rehearsal last night. I gave him a little wave when he walked in and he was smiling very broadly and staring at me. I have not responded to the email and I don't think I will....? I don't know how to respond.

 

It did make me feel kind of yucky to read it, as there is nothing emotional or sentimental in there. I think he is just trying to smooth the waters.

 

p.s. actually on second thought, I don't feel I can 'walk' from the band at any time, I would have to give them two months notice or at least 30 days. It's a complicated situation. My plan is to stick it out through of the year, and see how I feel....

[rapunzel]

Having a really bad day so I need to post all the reasons why this guy is not good for me. I feel like a broken record but I need to remind myself:

 

1) He ended things with me - twice. There was no abuse, no lying, or cheating. He just apparently was just not that into me. He led me on/strung me along after the first break up, in typical dumper fashion until I "bit" 9 months later, and after another 4 month relationship, he dumped me once again.

 

2) He is lying about his age on the internet, saying he is 43, when he is turning 50 in July, and trying to meet women 35-42. I am turning 48 in two weeks.

 

3) He would not commit to his prior girlfriend for 4 years, and only wanted her when she did not want him.

 

4) Even if I had done everything "right", he probably would have left me eventually anyhow, due to his inability to commit.

 

5) I believe his wife left him (he has been divorced for 10 years) for a younger man (by about 10 years) and hence he probably "needs" to have a younger woman, this being one of the reasons. I can't do anything about my age - I was born in 1961 - and while he is allowed to be 50, apparently his women are not allowed to be any older than 42 (and he definitely does NOT want kids).

 

6) When we were together, he was often checking out other women - intensely - and was not very good at being discreet about it.

 

7) I would not feel comfortable with him. He is very good looking, with not one fat globule on his entire body. I think he wants a similar hard body and I can't live up to that kind of pressure.

 

8.) He has a history of engaging in cultish type behavior, was part of a martial arts cult for 10 years and has dabbled in other groups that border on cultishness. He's definitely got an unstable side and is drawn to these type of groups.

 

I think that is enough for now.

[summerpeach]

Hi, I've followed your story back a few months ago.

I'm sorry you're still feeling so down about this guy

 

You can make all the lists you want, but the bottom line is, you're still in love (or infatuated) with a guy who doesn't want you.

There is no other way to get over him than to leave the band

 

A little part of you must be getting something out of this torture.

And what guy wouldn't want a girl around who knew was into him.

 

I would not take anything he did to you personally, sounds like he did it to ever other woman he ever was with.

 

He's empty and he's sucking you dry as well

[rapunzel]

Well thanks for your response summerpeach. I agree with what you said. That said, it's easy for people on internet message boards who don't know me or the situation, other than what they have read here, to say something like "you must be getting something out of this torture". Which I don't think is a very supportive thing to say but you are certainly entitled to your opinion and I can also understand why you would think that. At the moment, I cannot just up and quit for professional reasons. It would affect my standing in the music community in my city.

 

And with the economy the way it is and the 25+ years of hard work I have put in, I want to preserve my standing in the community. As I said, it's not an easy situation. But thanks for your thoughts.