I want it to be over

[summerpeach]

Well thanks for your response summerpeach. I agree with what you said. That said, it's easy for people on internet message boards who don't know me or the situation, other than what they have read here, to say something like "you must be getting something out of this torture". Which I don't think is a very supportive thing to say but you are certainly entitled to your opinion and I can also understand why you would think that. At the moment, I cannot just up and quit for professional reasons. It would affect my standing in the music community in my city.

 

And with the economy the way it is and the 25+ years of hard work I have put in, I want to preserve my standing in the community. As I said, it's not an easy situation. But thanks for your thoughts.

 

I'm sorry, I didnt mean it as hurtful, but it is a fact that most people who are in unhappy situations that they have a choice to change, do not change because subconsciencly they are getting something from the situation.

 

You can up and leave. You can do whatever you like.

It's a choice.

 

I agree,you should not have to leave, but you need to chose between your emotional well being and the band.

Money can always be made, health cannot

[rapunzel]

As above, he sent me the above email last week. I have not responded. I saw him at rehearsal the next night and I did not feel a response was necessary. I also don't know what to say, as I may leave the band at some point. I am hoping I'll get over it.

 

I know the answer, it doesn't matter. I'm sure he sent it just to be the "nice guy" and to alleviate any guilt he may have. I am cordial to him when I see him, in that I don't initiate but I respond when he talks to me, as I would to anyone. Normally I don't blow off people who email me but I don't want to be "friends" with him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think a response was really warranted so don't feel bad that you didn't send one. Is he the leader of the band?

[rapunzel]

Thanks CAD.

 

Yes, he has become the de facto leader. It's kind of a loose position though, it's still a pretty democratic group.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, it sounds like his email to you was one of those "feel good" gestures that leaders do to make sure their "staff" are happy and feel that the leader cares. In other words, a professional gesture to show cohesiveness and comraderie.

[browneyedgirl36]

As above, he sent me the above email last week. I have not responded. I saw him at rehearsal the next night and I did not feel a response was necessary. I also don't know what to say, as I may leave the band at some point. I am hoping I'll get over it.

 

I know the answer, it doesn't matter. I'm sure he sent it just to be the "nice guy" and to alleviate any guilt he may have. I am cordial to him when I see him, in that I don't initiate but I respond when he talks to me, as I would to anyone. Normally I don't blow off people who email me but I don't want to be "friends" with him.

 

Hi R --

 

I'm just re-visiting this thread today. No, I don't think his message requires a response. I think he is indeed trying to smooth things over and let you know that he likes having you in the band. There were no questions in the e-mail, and as you said before, nothing emotions-based that might seem to warrant a response. He simply made a few declarative statements about your decision. No response needed.

 

I understand that being "friends" is not what you want. If that's the case, be polite, friendly, and part of the "team" (band-wise) when you are working together, and otherwise, don't respond to any e-mails, invites, etc. unless they are band-related.

 

Hope you're hanging in there!

[rapunzel]

Thanks BEG. The weird thing was that at rehearsal last week he was smiling broadly and staring at me, almost in a flirtatious way. I gave him a little wave when he walked in but I certainly did not expect that kind of response. It was a bit unnerving but I pretty much ignored him after that.

 

That said, ever since mutual bandmate (who I once trusted) spilled the beans to him, I have been having a hard time just being myself at rehearsals. I feel so exposed and that he "knows" whereas before, he apparently had no idea that I was affected by him bringing his date to our show. I know I have to change my thinking around this so I can just be myself and not worry about him (I don't worry about any of the other 6 people in the room!) but it is a real challenge.

[rapunzel]

I went out after rehearsal with our mutual bandmate who proceeded to remind me that it's OVER, capital O with no chance of anything. He pointed out that ex hurt me twice and there's no way either of us could allow it to happen again. He said that ex may regret it someday but most likely it will be when I'm no longer interested and am with someone else (sigh). He also said that he can't figure ex out, why this happened, and that perhaps it was because I was way too into him in the beginning. Sigh. All these things are probably true and they just made me feel bad...but once again, I have to forgive myself for being human. I had not dated in about 6 years when I met him, had just come out of a LTR and forgot how to behave - I was not in my right mind. I was just so excited to be with him, that I forgot to gather my brain and pull myself back down to earth - and remind myself that I was infatuated and it did not mean anything.

 

I do still feel that if I had played my cards differently that it may have worked, but then again, I have to remind myself that I do not have control over him - only me. But things went too fast I think, although I did know him for 5 months before anything happened. I need to really let go of the past. I have so so many regrets but what is done, is DONE. Moving forward.

 

Last night I found myself awake crying in the middle of the night and had terrible dreams. I just have so much love that I want to give someone, that I want to give to him...and he doesn't want it. And I have to act like nothing happened when I'm around him, I just feel so worn down the next day. I told mutual bandmate that if things haven't changed by the end of the year, I'm going to have to leave the group and start afresh. I love the band, it's a wonderful musical and social outlet but this is the only man I have been with in ANY capacity for the last 2.5 years, and I'm still emotionally tied to him. I really want to find someone else I can transfer these feelings to. I know people will say that is the wrong solution and I really do get that, and agree. But life is short, and with turning 48 next week, believe me it gets SHORTER and goes FASTER with age. And who knows if he'll acknowledge my birthday next week.

 

Anyway, I really am just venting. He seemed a bit curt upon greeting me and perhaps it's because I did not respond to his email. I know it doesn't matter, he is who he is, he will do what he wants and I have to just continue living my life. As our bandmate said, I am allowing myself to be/feel rejected by this man when in my mind, I should be saying "I don't want to be with someone who would treat me this way". I don't want to be with a man who is not discreet about checking out other woman constantly when we are together. I do not want to be with a man who would throw me away twice. I do not want to be with a man who is lying about his age on the internet. Gheesh, I sound like a broken record but I do have to keep pummeling this stuff into my head.

 

There is someone better for me out there, and I just haven't met him yet. I am WAY better off without him. Even if I was able to make him fall in love with me, eventually there would be problems based on his past history with women. So in essence, perhaps I dodged a bullet. Today is a new day, and I'm going to be OK. He does not rule my universe and I should continue to be thankful that he is not in my life (except for the band). In retrospect, I never felt loved by him. What good is that???

 

Thanks for the opportunity to vent, and if anyone replies, please be gentle.

[rapunzel]

Now I am regretting not writing back to him, to at least acknowledge his email. I just read this on another post.

 

Also, very important, is that you don't want her to think she has you dangling from a string. If she says she misses you, you say "thank-you" and do likewise in other similar situations. (i.e. she writes you an e-mail to say you are a great guy and she misses your friendship -- you say, "thank-you for the nice comments, I hope you are doing well, too). Get it?

 

And now it is too late to respond. Or is it? It's not going to change anything but I do have to work with him. This is why I long for No Contact. Yeah, yeah, I know people will tell me I need to quit.