an idea for salvaging your pride when you get dumped

[offplanet]

Rather than giving them space while they work out if they want to be with you or not, rather than keeping in touch via texting, and trying to 'stay friends', rather than letting them see they've broken your heart, summon all the strength you can, and say You agree with them, it'd be best to break up, that you've been having doubts yourself for a while, and it's a relief that they brought it up because you were scared to do so yourself, or some similar BS. That way they don't come out of it on top, as the one with the power, who broke your heart, and they dont get that satisfaction. You don't get to feel like the loser. You will leave them very confused, thinking 'hey I thought I was the one dumping him/her', and you will start to look more attractive to them. Especially if part of the reason for them losing interest was because they thought you were TOO interested, and that was a bit of a turn off, or too much pressure.

 

With that pressure gone, and with you not reacting how they expected, but 'happily' getting on with your life (let them see you laughing with friends), chances are they will want you back. But this isn't a strategy to get them back, its a strategy to get them to WANT you back, but then you will say NO! You're sorry but you're not interested, you like being single again. This way, instead of being the pathetic desperate loser who got dumped, you will be the one with the power and confidence, and that will make you more fit for the next relationship (not with them, though, don't fall for that one!)

 

I used to be the desperate loser, but as the years went by, I figured out how to do this by sheer willpower (not unlike a person on a diet resisting the junk food in order to look good), so as not to let anyone have that power to devastate me. So many people are being led along, and its demeaning. Its not noble to love so much that you forgive all the cheating and lying etc, and give them more chances, it's self destructive. Learn to see the little signs of a person losing interest in you, all the signs that people on these forums mention, asking if they're imagining things or not. They aren't imagining. If the person is really into you, genuinely, you will not have those doubts. Where there is smoke, there is fire. Once you see those signs, draw back immediately. and leave before they dump you.

 

Otherwise you'll get into the pattern of always being the 'lover' in the relationship, not the 'loved one'. And having been broken hearted a few times it will give you a 'complex' which will set you up for being hurt again by others, because you will lack self esteem.

 

Offplanet

[glegend]

Forget about pride, and salving it. They say that pride is the sign of a foolish man.

[tomtommyboy]

I'm afraid I don't agree with the OP at all. I understand completely how you could arrive at these thoughts through wounded pride, etc., but I think they're wrong I'm afraid. The whole thing smacks of game-playing and manipulation. If you think that's the way to prepare the ground for future healthy relationships then you have a strange idea of healthy relationships!

 

Honesty is always best IMHO. The dumper hasn't "won" anymore than the dumpee has "lost"; if they choose to see it that way they're not worth your time anyway. If someone dumps you and hurts you, tell them honestly that that's how you feel and you'd rather now not have any contact; that's perfectly dignified, and, I believe, any decent person would have far more respect for you than if you start pretending everything's A-OK...

 

Sorry you've been hurt; so have I, more than once. I'm not trying to win an argument for the sake of it, I'm just concerned your thinking on this comes from bitterness and anger, and ultimately it won't solve your relationship problems.

[offplanet]

Yes, I guess I'm old and cynical. I did wonder after posting that if it was really the right thing to advixe younger people on this forum. I'm sorry, please disregard my cynical 'advice'!

Offplanet.

[wretched1]

Hi all, new here. bit hopeless but had to add that if you truly love someone it never stopes no matter what you do. It's like losing someone to death when you split, you grieve and need to treat yourself for grief, bereavement and keep very busy - the pain can get less depending on how much you invested in the person- how much you love him/her does vary. I adore someone I can't be with anymore and it's been an awful thing trying to find a way to be friends when we can't. I can't go into it all because it is soooo long a story and complex, but I agree honesty is by far best and pride is no good, you need to offload all your feelings and sob for weeks if you need to, just be good and kind to yourself and try to care for yourself- people have been carted off if you let it get too bad (!) - all the best, W

[Cognitive_Canine]

I wouldn't focus on pride as much as I would focus on dignity.

 

Keeping your dignity in tact is walking away from the relationship. Not being angry at your dumper. Even if the anger is there, to not let it show in public. Do not talk badly about your ex, it'll reflect on you. Dress everyday afterwards like a million bucks. Maybe take yourself out and treat yourself to a hair cut, a teeth whitening, something to make YOU feel and look better. Hit the gym, it'll help relieve anger, and you'll get nice results too. Rediscover all the things you couldn't do in a realtionship. etc. Focus on being a BETTER you, not them. They've already decided that they aren't wanting to focus on you, do the same.

[Pixiedoc]

I wouldn't focus on pride as much as I would focus on dignity.

 

Keeping your dignity in tact is walking away from the relationship. Not being angry at your dumper. Even if the anger is there, to not let it show in public. Do not talk badly about your ex, it'll reflect on you. Dress everyday afterwards like a million bucks. Maybe take yourself out and treat yourself to a hair cut, a teeth whitening, something to make YOU feel and look better. Hit the gym, it'll help relieve anger, and you'll get nice results too. Rediscover all the things you couldn't do in a realtionship. etc. Focus on being a BETTER you, not them. They've already decided that they aren't wanting to focus on you, do the same.

 

Yeah, agree with this. Wise words. The principle is o.k. (hurt less, try to show you're not suffering, IF and only if that was their intention), but the issue of hypocrisy arises.

 

Be better than them if they have hurt you. Dignity is always the key to relationship breakdown, even if they have hurt you so bad you feel every day you cannot go on.

 

This is also a good rehearsal for parenthood breakdown ACT like you're o.k. and eventually you will be. Honestly.

[catfeeder]

I don't think this OP is bad advice at all, I just doubt too many people could pull it off. I think it's a good rule of thumb to shoot for, because it's such a tall order that even small successes with certain aspects of it should help to build one's confidence--as opposed to the opposite--the begging, the manipulations, the doormatting, the painful friend games. That's all the stuff that ruins people.

 

I also like this:

 

I wouldn't focus on pride as much as I would focus on dignity.

 

Keeping your dignity in tact is walking away from the relationship. Not being angry at your dumper. Even if the anger is there, to not let it show in public. Do not talk badly about your ex, it'll reflect on you. Dress everyday afterwards like a million bucks. Maybe take yourself out and treat yourself to a hair cut, a teeth whitening, something to make YOU feel and look better. Hit the gym, it'll help relieve anger, and you'll get nice results too. Rediscover all the things you couldn't do in a realtionship. etc. Focus on being a BETTER you, not them. They've already decided that they aren't wanting to focus on you, do the same.

[kitchentable]

I have a question regarding badmouthing the dumper. In my situation, she started doing things to humiliate me. I broke up with her when I realized it wasn't a phase. She didn't seem too distressed (I think she wanted me to dump her). She wanted to remain friends. I said in time.

 

She called me a few times and I didn't answer. She started calling my roommate. She broke into my house on two separate occasions but wouldn't agree to be my girlfriend. She said she wanted to be friends. When I finally had to basically throw her out of my house for toying with me she started sleeping with one of our mutual friends (within about a week). She saw me in a bar and tried to dance with me and yelled at me for not wanting to. She sent her best friend to spy on me all the while sleeping with my friend. She drove by my house all the time. She bragged to everyone she was relieved to be rid of me but she still tried to keep me in her back pocket. How could I not badmouth her. I remained as mature and quiet as I could. I even complimented her when she was trashing me the day we broke up.

 

This friend of mine she got with is a fat, devil worshiping, lying schizo (not my diagnosis, he was committed for it). She's a christian (supposedly), we dated for two years and were talking about marriage, looking for homes and picking out future children's names. She cooked for me, we bought each other presents all within a month before she suddenly turned on me. After about 5 weeks of it, I couldn't take it. How could I not be disgusted and bitter. I mean really. She tried to humiliate me, tried to toy with me and finally betrayed me. I don't even know who I dated for two years. I'm sorry, I did badmouth her after all of that. The marrow in my bones curdled and my stomach was in knots for months. All I could do was picture this scumbag sleeping in my old bed, petting my old dog and touching my ex.

 

I don't bad mouth her anymore. At the time I did. I'm not going to feel guilty for it either. I still don't like really thinking about it. Am I really just a bitter guy for that? Or wouldn't that mess screw anyone up in the head for a while leaving them nice and bitter.

 

To put it in perspective for you. I'm agnostic and the most rational explanation I could come up with was that this Demon worshiper put a spell on her. Sad isn't it. It's crazy to even think it but I could not make any sense of her behavior.

[Pixiedoc]

Dear me!!

 

Turn around and run in the opposite direction as fast as you can and do NOT look back.

 

Seriously, that seems like a very bad situation and you need to get away from it/her.

[OziJack]

I wouldn't focus on pride as much as I would focus on dignity.

 

Keeping your dignity in tact is walking away from the relationship. Not being angry at your dumper. Even if the anger is there, to not let it show in public. Do not talk badly about your ex, it'll reflect on you. Dress everyday afterwards like a million bucks. Maybe take yourself out and treat yourself to a hair cut, a teeth whitening, something to make YOU feel and look better. Hit the gym, it'll help relieve anger, and you'll get nice results too. Rediscover all the things you couldn't do in a realtionship. etc. Focus on being a BETTER you, not them. They've already decided that they aren't wanting to focus on you, do the same.

 

THis is great advice. IN fact, it is so good that I am going to do exactly that in the unlikely event that some future woman is so foolish and deluded that she dumps me....

[Pixiedoc]

THis is great advice. IN fact, it is so good that I am going to do exactly that in the unlikely event that some future woman is so foolish and deluded that she dumps me....

 

Good one.

[OrangeMoon]

In essence i do feel that the OP has a point here if you truly think about this.

 

In almost every circumstance the 'dumper' is in a better position than the 'dumpee"..unless you have been manipulated into the 'dumper'-position.

 

I have come to believe that it all comes down to learning when to let go..

 

In most cases we actually see our partners 'uncoupling'..our 6th sense, gut or just the little distancing signals are telling us very clearly that your SO is contemplating a break up..

 

Being able to remove yourself from a situation like this on time..requires a very rational outlook on the relationship. You would really have to be able to separate your emotions from the reality that is in front of you if you are going to be the 'dumper' in that situation. That is what the hard part is.

 

Most of us cant..because even when we know we are unhappy..the hope for a better day is keeping most of us in there..

 

However..i have decided that next time..when i see the uncoupling signs pop up, i will discuss them..lay them out in the open. But if the situation and my feelings dont change and my gut keeps telling me something is wrong within a certain amount of time..i am out of there...When he has made up his mind he can contact me..and if i made it easy on him..than in the long run i have made it easy on myself as well..because i took the initiative to improve my live.

 

No matter how much it hurts..to be the dumper in that case is psychologically more empowering.

 

Goodbye, Sayonara

 

Because 9 out of 10 times..your 6th sense is truly telling you what the deal is. So if i am wrong this 1 time..so be it. You need to know when to let go...Thats the lesson we all need to learn here people...especially me.

 

I dont want any man to contemplate leaving me in his head ..if you want out and my presence in your life is making you unhappy..making you doubt. I am taking the doubt away..by being the one to leave..i am not going to convince you of staying anymore.

 

Because i am not putting myself in that lower position again. Nobody is perfect, love is work..if you dont get that i am not wasting my time anymore.

[Struggling23]

Your right, my ex wsa distancing herself for a week I knew deep inside that it was coming but I kept lying to myself maybe she is busy.

 

I should have dumped her on the spot.