What can I do to recover from this? Can we work this out?

[Kazydai]

If you do happen to decide to read this, please read the entire thing. I know it's very long, but I don't want anyone to misunderstand anything.

 

Anyway, I've had a lot of things on my mind that I haven't really been able to talk to too many people about, so I wanted to write and ask about it here. I can't ever talk to my family about these kinds of things, because all they do is tell me the same stupid stuff.

 

So then, here's what I have to say:

 

[Just so everyone knows: We're both in college. I'm 19, and she's 18.]

 

So, my girlfriend broke up with me on Saturday...I think. Or was it Monday...I dunno, the way it happened was really confusing.

 

Well, from my girlfriends side—and of course, I'm paraphrasing, so I may be wrong in some aspects—she said that she lost her feelings for me. She said she's been having these thoughts for a long time now, but that she just kept pushing them to the back of her head and ignoring them, until she finally came to the realization that if she continued the relationship, she'd be lying to both herself and myself. She felt that she started dating me out of loneliness, and the fact that she didn't have too many friends at school at the time. Pretty much every friend she has at school now is the result of me introducing them.

 

On my side, well, the break-up kinda came out of nowhere. We'd have been together for 6 months next Monday (the 20th). It was just two weeks ago that that we had a blast pulling pranks on her friends for April Fool's Day. And just the week before that, we had an awesome date at the park, where she told me that she hadn't that much fun in a long time. Heck, she even wrote in her blog that day saying that she likes being with me because she always has fun whenever she's with me. So why the sudden change? I don't get it.

 

Anyway, we just recently had our spring break last week from the 6th (Mon) to the 10th (Fri). Over that time, we wanted to make plans to see each other, but in the beginning, different things prevented us from doing that, such as her being with her sister, or my grandma giving me chores up the butt.

 

We go to the same church youth group every Wednesday night, so while I was on a bus, she sends me a text telling me that she won't be there that night because she is sick. So I, being her boyfriend and all, text her back saying something like, "Hey, how about I come over and take care of my lady?" but she was completely against it. She even called me soon after our texting back and forth to specifically say in a stern voice, "Don't come over." Ok, ok, I got it. Later on, she told me that she considered that an argument. I honestly didn't think of that as an argument, just a simple disagreement was all, ya know?

 

So then later on that night, she calls me back, and everything is cool. We laughed it off, and then talked how we normally do.

 

On Thursday, we had an argument. I was wound up because for the entirety of the spring break, we hadn't gotten to see each other once. That and the fact that I was completely stressed out with my workload for that week*, I kinda took it out on her. We ended up firing mean words at each other, and then we hung up. Later on in the night, when I was able to think more clearly, I realized that I was wrong in taking out my frustrations on her like that, and I sent her a text telling her that I realized that, and that I wanted to apologize for my wrongdoing.

 

*NOTE: As for the work, I was helping my younger brothers out with their senior projects. They're these projects that the high school makes all senior do, and if you don't do it, you don't graduate. Simple as that. You could have a 4.0 GPA, but no project, no diploma. Needless to say, yeah, that's something you might want to get done.

 

When I called her Friday night to apologize verbally, everything was fine until we got into a stupid argument over a pokémon. Yes, that's what it says. A freakin' pokémon. While the issue of what were arguing about was deeper, I had a hard time figuring out how to tell her how I was feeling. But of us are the same in the sense that we need time to think about the "who/what/where/when/why" of the anger, or else we can't think straight. But instead of doing that, we kept going. Eventually, we were able to figure out how stupid we were being, and ended the phone call on good terms.

 

Then Saturday came.

 

I get a message on Gaia from my girlfriend's sister telling me to call her. So I do, and she tells me that she saw the thread I posted earlier in the forums about last night's debate where I asked for advice on the issue. She then told me that she had a list of things that she felt were wrong in our relationship, and that we needed to fix. It was a lot to swallow because it was all so much at once, so I asked her to give me a couple of minutes to digest it. (No pun intended. No, seriously, but hey, I guess it worked.)

 

So I call her back, and for a while, things seem to go wonderfully. We talked like we hadn't talked in a long time, and we got deep into issues that were in our relationship and we solved problems that both of us had been keeping on the inside for so long. I even started writing down my own list, noting all of the ideas we had come up with.

 

We talked about stuff like:

 

1) No More Talking About Exes

We had a huge tendency to talk about our exes, even if it was constructive for each other.

 

2) We Should Talk About Ourselves More

Other than "How was your day?" our conversation seemed to always trail off into what our friends were doing with their lives.

 

3) No More Touching Her Butt/Boobs

Yeah, I know, this is kind of embarrassing for me, considering that I'm not that kind of guy, but I had my reasons. I explained to her that she was always telling me things about her ex (hence, the first thing on the list), like how he was passive, and how she wished he would just be a little more aggressive and surprising, and that she wouldn't mind "a little [romance] once in a while." So one day, when I felt she was getting bored, I grabbed her one. Her response was always something like, "Oh, you," or "Oh, [my name]," but she never really told me to stop until while she was breaking up with me. Yeah, thanks. As far as I knew, she liked it, considering that...well, no, that's not too fair to her for me to share certain things. I'll keep that to myself. Besides, this isn't meant to bash her. I don't want to do that.

 

Anyway, I thought that we had come to a resolution, and that we were both prepared to steer our relationship into a better direction...except she drops the bomb. She wants to break up. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was confused. We just spent the last half hour completely reforming our relationship, so what happened?

 

Well, like I said up above, she told me she had been having doubts about our relationship altogether. I told her that we should pray about it, and talk to our youth group leader before any rash decisions were made. We used to pray together every night, but one day we just stopped, and that's the relationship started heading the wrong way. I suggested that we start again, but she didn't think it would do anything. She told me that she even looked for me to slip-up, or cheat on her to give her a reason to break up with me, but she couldn't find any, so I guess she just ended it regardless. It was getting late, so we decided to get off the phone. She asked me if I wanted to continue talking about it the next day (Easter), and I said yes, but in reality, I already knew what was coming.

 

Sunday came, and I was a wreck. That's the thing about break-ups, they send you to Bizarro World. Everything is upside-down, your favorite food is disgusting... You could watch the funniest thing in the world and not so much as smirk. And the worst part? EVERYTHING reminds you of them. Geez, even when we went out to dinner for Easter, there was a red scooter parked outside. She drives a red scooter, so... yeah, I know, right?

 

I had no plans to call her that day, I can admit. I really didn't need to continue to hear that stuff, so I kept distracting myself. Then I get a text from her saying that she'll be out that night, but that she'll call me when she can. I was like, "What the hell else could she possibly want to say to me?" Nevertheless, I told her that was fine.

 

She didn't call. I didn't care.

 

On Monday, school starts up again after Spring Break was over. We both are in the same English class, and it's our first class in the morning, and I really wasn't in the mood to see her again, so I ditched and went to the cafeteria. Lo and behold, there she is. I say hi, and she asks if we can talk. I'm trying to figure out what this could possibly be about. We go outside, and she tells me that she talked to a lady at the church who helped her figure out what she wanted.

 

And she dumped me. Again. With a Bible verse. Kinda.

 

Miss Scarlet. In the lounge. With the crow bar.

 

Ouch. My words barely dribbled out of my mouth into some incoherent spit. I bet I looked real stupid.

 

I tried to give her a hug, but she just sat there. While I was finishing up my last words, she walked away, and I had to tell her that I wasn't done yet. Then she just stared at me, before leaving again.

 

She said she would stay away from the cafeteria for a while. That's where my friends and I normally hang out, and she wanted me to have their support, but I never told anyone anything until yesterday (Wednesday). She sat with them and told them what happened, so in turn, they asked me for my side of the story.

 

I found it strange that all of them responded with the same unanimous conclusion especially since some of them weren't even around to hear what others thought about it.

 

All in all, she's gone now, and I'm gonna miss her, but there's simply no reason in loving someone who doesn't love you back. Then again, I guess God does that all the time, huh?

 

Something I'd like to add, though, is that she often talked about being too afraid to get close to someone. She was always fearful that someone would hurt her. She told me many times that "everyone in your life will always disappoint you at some point or another." You'd think it was her motto or something. I hate to see her like that, so I'd always try to be her cheerful and supportive half, but I guess I didn't do it right, I dunno.

 

I think this could possibly be a case of attack before they attack you, ya know? I think she pushed me away before I got the chance to push her away. I think she was just waiting for me to hurt her, and in order to protect herself, she distanced herself from me.

 

I can see where she might be coming from, though. Sometimes when you've been in so many sub-par relationships or situations in your life, and then you get into a new place where things are finally going good for once, you freak out. You over-analyze it instead of just letting it happen, and in the end, you end up sabotaging yourself.

 

What do you guys think?

 

Can this be saved?

Should it be saved?

Should we still be friends?

Was it all my fault?

Words of wisdom?

 

Any comments/advice/anything would be much appreciated.

 

I know I'm probably gonna get a lot of TL;DR's but I can understand.

 

Anyway, thanks for reading.

 

- Kazydai

[melrich]

she said that she lost her feelings for me.

 

I'd take her at her word on this. This was a very short relationship, it was barely out of honeymoon stage. I think she really just found that deeper feelings did not develop and it just started to fade from there.

 

I would advise you to simply move on. I don't think you will get much support from her.

[offplanet]

So far you're handling it really really well. Do take her at her word, difficult though it is to understand why she seems to have changed. People often don't tell each other all that they really think and feel, so while you thought you had a great relationship, she might have been enjoying some aspects of it, but still not in love. Like you said, it's no use being with someone who doesn't feel the same. Don't try to convince yourself that she could come back, and that deep down she really does love you, because that would only drag out your pain. Its good you have you faith to get you through this. All the best

offplanet

[Gossioii8]

Wow, this is very useful.. Thanks for sharing this and hoping I could implement it too.

[Pixiedoc]

Well, firstly, you have a GREAT sense of humour about the whole thing and again I admire the way you have handled the whole thing.

 

Now I am 46 and you are much younger. However, my memory is very good

 

There was a red flag waved firstly when she went cold on you and missed a date. There may have been something else going on....or not.

 

Next, you really do NOT seem to have done anything wrong at all, so the problem clearly lies at her door.

 

Last, you seem to have made most of the concessions rather than it being 50/50, which it absolutely has to be if there is a future.

 

You deserve better treatment and better behaviour from a partner - please go and spend time with your friends and family and recover from this.

 

Take care and let us know how you go on.