quick advice

[pete2002]

got broken up wtih by my girlfriend of four years, did about five months of grovelling and getting mixed signals because i hadnt found this site, and pushed her into the arms of this really nice, dorky guy who treats her well and was prolly just a welcome change from my begging and pleading.. i have lots of regret, but she's moved on and is dating this new, nice, smart guy and im sure willmost likely date him for a long time.

 

so she keeps calling me about once a week and saying ridiculous things, and i can tell its more out of guilt than a desire to get back together.. she does miss me, but certainly just wants me as a friend. so she just sent me this email that says she's annoyed we dont talk, that she misses me (as a friend, its very obvious), and that she wants me to write back and tell her we can hang out again or to at least acknowledge her email and tell her i dont want to be her friend.

 

getting back together with her in the future if she breaks up wtih this guy (which i dont foresee becaus they are both in law school together) is not out of the question.. do i respond, continue to avoid her attempts at contact (as i have been doing). and if i do write back, what do i possibly say that makes her think im moving on, not waiting, but still sorta interested if the tming was ever right.

 

thanks

 

pete

[Larz]

This one's easy, although you won't see it this way right now.

 

If she is annoyed by the fact that you don't talk anymore, then imagine this:

 

You break ALL contact. Now, she becomes annoyed at this new guy that you two don't talk anymore.

 

Break all contact and let her have this new idiot to rely on. It won't last long. But YOU CANNOT TAKE HER CALLS!

 

Just wait it out!

 

L

[Hopingpraying]

I have a similar take as to what Lars is saying. Do the no-contact and explain to her it is not to get back at her for anything, but that you just cannot be friends with her right now, the hurt is two new and you need time to figure things out.

 

This will probably make her come back to you if not in the short term later on down the road.

 

The wild card in this whole deal is if this new guy she is with is actually a good guy. Something you cannot control. Nor should you worry about it either.

 

Do no contact for your own sanity and try to think about her as little as possible. I know how hard that is to do and I struggle with that myself. But each time I see my wife and drop my daughter off without saying anything to her as it relates to us it is just one more victory for me and it gets easier each time.

 

Good luck.

[Quincy]

Pete, I have just been reading through this site hoping that there was someone in a similar predictament that I am in and would identify with me. So far, yours has come the closest. You think you are the poster child for making the biggest mistake of their life through a relationship? Well, Pete, allow me to help you feel a little better by letting you in on my situation. It is a very long and complex story so I will have to be brief but I swear, if we talked about about this for about a couple of hours you would realize just how much I have screwed up.

 

background, I am also a medical student who dated a woman for five years and was engaged to her. She actually dropped every thing in her hometown where we went to college and moved with me to the state where I attend med school.

 

Her primary goal in life seemed to be to marry me and and support me through medical school. We met in undergrad when getting in med school was just a dream for me. Here is just a short list of why this woman was so wonderful to me.

 

 

1. She loved me unconditionally.

 

2. She would do almost any thing to cheer me up when I was down and smiled and gave me a hug almost every time I saw her after being away from her for even a few hours.

 

3. She supported me emotionally and sometimes financially through half my premed years and through my first year of med school (we broke up a couple of months after the start of second year).

 

4. She cooked, cleaned, shopped, did my laundry and would perform any errands that I wasn't able to run due to my schedule.

 

5. She was very pretty, sexy, and always wanted to make love to me.

 

6. She even volunteered to donate part of her liver to a cousin of mine who was in the hospital sick with liver damage although it wasn't necessary .

 

7. She avoided almost any conversation that she thought might upset me.

 

 

8. She would call me constantly whenever she went on a vaction without me and wanted to talk on the phone for hours and tell me how much she missed me.

 

 

9. She always always always bought me gifts and cards to let me know how much she loved and cared for me.

 

10. She gave me most of her attention always.

 

*This list goes on so far but I think you get the idea.

 

 

 

How could I possibly screw this up, you may ask. Well, She was engaged to a guy before me and told me she had cheated on him because she still wanted to see other people. They had been together from the age 0f 15-24. This gave me a lot of insecurities and I always was scared that she may one day hurt me or fall for someone else while I was busy trying to become a doctor and couldn't spend much time with her. I had all of the feelings you had and then some.

 

I felt that she was smothering me. I was afraid that since she was in this new state with me and had no family and only one friend, she would leave me because I had to attend to schoolwork too much. She constantly complained about the city we were living and I felt that she wasn't happy here even though she continuously put forth her best effort to show how much she loved me and still supported me to the best of her abilities. She wanted every minute of my free time and sometimes I felt that after a long time of preparing for an exam, I wanted to hang out with some of my classmates and not her, etc,.

 

 

Soon, I began to have doubts if I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. I just couldn't see being with her forever any more. I felt guilty that she was living in a unfamiliar place that she hated just to be with me.

I always thought that she would think that I wasn't worth all of this trouble and she would leave me. I tried to tell her that I wanted her to go on and be happy with somewhere else but she broke down crying so hard that it broke my heart so I didn't even mention it any more. I just grew colder and more distant so that she would eventually want to leave me.

 

 

Well, she decided to move back home after I grew too distant to be reached any more but we agreed to try to maintain a long distance relationship. She called me all the time once she moved back and told me how miserable she was without me and how it felt like she was missing her other half. She flew in to see me once and we got into a big argument over an incident that was minor now that I look back on it and I told her that I didn't want to see her any more. She still tried to maintian a friendly relationship with me but I continued to be distant and aloof.

 

 

Soon after I called it quits I began to miss her and trie to move on with my life but couldn't. I tried dating but couldn't get far. All I do is think about her. Med school or nothing else seems to be important any more because I realized exactly what she meant to me and how wonderful she treated me. I realized that my motivation came from wanting to be a good rpovider to her and our future family.

 

After 17 months apart, and my heart-aching, I decided to call her mother and ask for her to call me. She returned my call and we spoke like old friends who had not talked in a long time. After about 20 minutes of conversation, I very very deeply apologized for the way I behaved in the past and told her how much she meant to me and that it has been hard for me to go on without her. She said she was touched by my words, very sympathetic and seemed confused at first.

 

Well, there is more to the story but I will wrap it up. In short, She eventually told me that she was in love with someone else and moved to his homestate to be with him and that she was very happy and very much in love with this man. She said she didn't think she would ever be this happy again after we broke up because she thought I was the only person in the world who could make her happy. I broke down.

 

Last week, I found out that she is pregnant and that the guy asked her to marry him soon after I called her to confess my fellins. I can't blame him. I am sure he can't stand the idea of losing her to me. They plan to marry this Spring.

 

Right now, I am in a state of disbelief. I can't believe that we won't be together for the rest of our lives. I can't believe that she is pregnant with another man's child and is about to be with him forever. It seems like the memories of our 5 years together is an elaborate fantasy or dream that I just conjured up. I really don't know how I will go on but I know that I must. It is hard to believe that I will ever find someone who loves me with all of her heart and soul like that again. So believe me, if there is one person on this Earth that understand your feeling right now, it is me.

[Quincy]

Just to clarify, we talked at the beginning of febuary, last week she found out she was pregnant and the guy asked her to marry her last month on Valentine's day.

[Quincy]

Pete, I read your reply in the other thread and decided to post my reply here.

 

I have realized that after a big break up such as ours, reconciliation of broken relationships are rare. It is almost a fantasy, especially when they have moved on and fell in love with someone else. At this point, it isn't much different that fantasizing about Halle Berry or some other beautiful celebrity knocking on our door and telling us she wants to be with us. It is very unlikely that it will happen.

 

If you try to continuously hang out with her, it will only prolong your hurt. Once someone romantic feeling for you leave,it is very unlikely they will come back and they will want you back in a relationship. She dated you long enough to know what kind of person you are. My ex said that she always knew I had a good heart even though she did not always agree with how I treated her. I am assuming that your ex feels the same but your good heart will probably not be enough to win her back.

 

Again, if there is anyone who knows what you are going through, it is me. But often when we desire for our ex so much, we unfairly put them on a pedestal, make them seem flawless, and avoid the memories of the times they got under our skin. It may help to remind yourself of those times.

 

 

My ex also feels bad for me because I have been hurting for her so long but these feelings are natural for someone who cares about you even though she may not see herself actually being with you in a romantic way. I personally didn't want feelings of pity from her. So I think, we must brave the pain and mental anguish until we heal.

 

 

I have already packed away all of the things around my house that reminds me of my ex on a daily basis. It helps. I can't help but to sometimes daydream about her coming back to me and the things that I will say to assure her that things will be different once we got back together but these are just fantasies like dreaming of winning the million dollar lottery. They are not as frequent as bfeore so I think I am finally healing.

 

Yes, I also loved her family and her mother absolutely adored me until I began taking her daughter for granted and we began to grow distant. her mother and I would even flirt in a fun way and we would all just laugh. I decided to decrease contact with them also so that I could heal much faster.

 

 

When I tell you this Pete, I am telling myself this because I too feel that I have made the biggest mistake of my life:

 

We will have to live with this mistake. But we will find someone else who we will love just as much and they will love us just as much. My ex told me that when I broke up with her, she wanted to go off somewhere and never be seen again and believed I was the only person who could ever make her happy. She is now happy, engaged once again, and pregnant. So if she can find happiness again, I believe we will too. Love is love, no matter how wonderful or bad the person is, when they have our hearts, we just want to be with them. I pray that we will be able to find someone else just as wonderful, but I don't think we should waste our lives chasing after someone exactly like our ex's or themselves. I just want a loving and fulfilling relationship again since I can't have her.

 

 

Man, I am here for you. If you ever just want to chat about it or something just drop me a PM or something or post a reply. I am still trying to hang in there myself and experiencing the same feelings you are.

[pete2002]

thanks for all the advice.. means a lot to me.. i will definitely respond in a lot of detail, but in a few days, because i have my clinical exams in surgery wed/thur/fri this week... if i have time before then i'll drop you a PM, otherwise i will just respond as soon as i can. thanks for the advice.. its tough to hear, but prolly very true.

 

good luck, you sound like you are getting better, and i think i am too.. not seeing her or talking to her really helps.. its been over four weeks now, which is four times longer than we ever went before.... she has called nad left a few dumb messages, but im getting my point accross to her that i need time to heal by just not calling back

 

thanks again

 

pete

[Mike22]

I used to fantasize that one day I would walk out of the front door of my apartment complex and my ex would be standing there on the front driveway in front of her car and she will give me a half-smile until I return that same half-smile. Then her smile would grow into one of those big smiles she used to give me whenever she saw my face. Then my smile would grow to match her biggest smile as we slowly walk towards eachothers and then we gradually start to pick up our walking speed until we are running fast with our arms held out wide , preparing to embrace each other. I finally reach her, pick her up, and begin to slowly swing her around in circles while she kisses me. Finally, the credits would start rolling and this would signal the end of the story with the foreshadowing of the idea that we would live happily ever after just like in all those romantic comedies and other hollywood romance movies.

 

TV and movies has taught us since we were kids that this is how all true love stories should end. This is a fantasy we have bought into our whole lives but it is not until you actually have your heart broken in the real world that you realize that it does not work this way. Many ex couples do not even remain really firends. A friendship is built on trust and if trust was not an issue in the relationship, then why can't so many even reamin friends?

 

The real story is me sitting lonely in my living room realizing that I will never even see her again and the credits start rolling while She's Out Of MY LiFE by Michael Jackson plays in the background.

 

Well, there is the new partner/third party who has the influence and they have a lot of power in these situations. Once there is a big break up, it is hard to even have friendship since at least one person's feeling is involved, these feelings often radiate bad vibes in the atmosphere whenever the two are together. In other words, we have to be able to separate the fantasy from the reality.