feeling vindictive

[FloatingAnchor]

I'm having trouble removing the last mental vestiges of my ex. It's been almost 3 months of NC, I don't hurt anymore, I don't miss him, and I'm very happy. However, I feel unresolved. I know it no longer concerns me, but I want him to realize that his actions were wrong and unfair to me (not the break up itself but the false promises that followed). I want an apology. I know I'm never going to get one, and I have no intention of breaking NC, nor do I want him to break it. How do I get rid of this anger?

[jennamajig]

I'm having trouble removing the last mental vestiges of my ex. It's been almost 3 months of NC, I don't hurt anymore, I don't miss him, and I'm very happy. However, I feel unresolved. I know it no longer concerns me, but I want him to realize that his actions were wrong and unfair to me (not the break up itself but the false promises that followed). I want an apology. I know I'm never going to get one, and I have no intention of breaking NC, nor do I want him to break it. How do I get rid of this anger?

 

I hear you. I have moments like this and I'm six months past. I'll say what I'm learning and what a therapist told me:

 

Forgive. Let go. Sometimes life isn't fair. But holding anger just makes it more difficult for you.

 

Now, easier said then done. I think everyone needs to forgive (or simply let go) in their own way. Only you know what will work for you. And sometimes, time simply does for us what we can't do ourselves.

[WomanWriter]

I know what you mean. I feel like I can forgive him to some extent but there is still that lingering bit that wishes he would apologize or at least somehow acknowledge that he was running away from problems. I don't know what it would solve but I guess it would make me feel better knowing he realized his responsibility.

 

I think it's due to our own guilt that we may not be considered "good enough" for our exes. In my case, I wonder if my ex blames me or sees me as "less than" and if he broke up with me just because he was sick of me and didn't like me anymore. I figure that if he admits he did things wrong, it will at least equal out our sense of power in the relationship. Since he didn't apologize, it leaves me to think I'm an unwanted dumpee that was possibly fed another common break-up line.

 

I'm also concerned that he's glad it's over. In his last email, he said it was the best thing for both of us and that now we are "free" to be ourselves. That indicates that he didn't feel like he could be "himself" with me and that he's happy to be away from the likes of me. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks he could find someone "better" and that's why he dumped me.

 

I wish he would apologize for some of the ways he was controlling and rejecting towards me near the end. He honestly could not see why telling me what to do/eat/wear was wrong. He honestly seemed to think it was his *right* as my partner. Then again, he made it sound like we were co-dependent and that it was *my* fault that we were that way. I was taking up too much of his time (I wasn't...he was skipping class and playing videogames). I feel like he totally projected on me and caused me to think that HIS issues were MY issues. Now I dont deny that we both could have been more independent. I see my part and I was mean sometimes. But I don't think that HE sees HIS part. I WISH I could let him know that the reason we WERE somewhat co-dependent with each other was because HE thought that HE needed to tell me what to do (towards the end, interestingly...before that, he never cared what I did).

 

So he was the one who got involved in my business and wouldn't let me get involved in his...and then basically blamed ME for taking up his space.

 

OK, it wasn't this direct, but that's what I get out of it. It feels like there is stuff going on that I took the blame for at the time (and I did apologize) but he never took the blame for his part.

 

It reminds me of when I was a kid. I had a friend that I kept begging to forgive me. Years later, I realized I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING WRONG! He was the one who was abusive towards me but he projected on me that it was MY FAULT so I honestly believed it was and took the blame.

 

I guess this really is co-dependency. My dad is an alcoholic and likes to make other people feel like it's their fault that he drinks, that we drive him to drink.

 

I do have the tendency to take blame where it is not due and part of my resentment stems from the fact that I did it again in a way. I took the blame for the little things I did in the relationship but the big things that HE did, he never took responsibility for. That sucks.

[canali]

Unlike what you said ie you "don't hurt anymore...and are happy" yet you still are angry shows clearly IMO that you ARE still hurting....anger and love are still emotional attachment: just opposite sides of the spectrum...apathy is when you really are over them because there are no longer any feelings ... Check out "Dare to forgive" book: lots of very good info and exercises...also try empathy to better understand your exes actions to get inside their ways of thinking and feeling to see and better understand their own filters and limitations as a human being and why they acted as they did ....this technique is suggested in a number of books on anger management...there is lots of free stuff out there on the web so no excuse to shoot from the hip and then later regret it...ie I was for a while there so close to unleashing bombs but glad I didn't ....IMO you are still hurting and that is ok...really important to continue to be loving and gentle with yourself as anger acts to largely cover up and protect us from hurt . Lastly if all else fails remember that this phase though difficult WILL pass IF you are patient and not too demanding on yourself....happy healing!