joethe Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 Did i say the right things? its it too much, i just said what i felt. We have been broken up for over a week and a half. We have a 19 month old son together. A little more information is in my other thread, thanks for all you help. heres the letter: I have never been and never will be a quitter, us on the other hand are quitting way too easy. When times get tough we both just give up on each other instead of working on them together. We tend to throw away our future of happiness and our family with out a fight. Maybe its too late, or maybe its not. I just have never been the one to give up on something so real, people would die to have the love that we share with each other, yes we have our problems like every other couple, and the difference is when we get mad at each other we let it go way too far. I’m not even really sure why im writing you this letter, I just hope this will make me feel a lot better knowing that my feelings are out there. I guess the point of this letter is to let you know that I am a fighter and will fight for something that I feel is real, and our family (to me) is as real as it gets. I am not asking anything of you, its just for me to tell you my true feelings, something we don’t share with each other at all. If you feel like quitting and totally moving on, I will do the same, I have lost you before I think I can do it again, its just I couldn’t live with myself if I knew I quit without a fight. Regardless of what every happens to us you will always remain my best friend and nothing can or ever will change that. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 How old are you both, and were you living together? Link to comment
joethe Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 we are both 22, and yes we were living together Link to comment
Sparkie Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 Hey, I would change it a bit personally. The letter says it is expressing your feelings towards her, but then doesn't express any feelings. And it says you are not a quitter, but then if she wants to quit you will too. I don't know why you are apart, but personally if i received this, I would just carry on as i was. IMHO, it needs to say more about which bits you are responsible for, and how you are going to fight for the relationship. Link to comment
joethe Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 so say more about what efforts i am willing to put forward to change our relationship? Link to comment
Sparkie Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 Yeah. If you think that you did things that contributed (which you did - its always a two way street), then outline that, and say how you think you could do things different. Say what she means to you. Provide solutions, eg couples counselling etc. And at the same time, respect her right to do as she pleases. Show her that you have given this some thought, and are in touch with what went wrong. And be strong about it. Don't expect anything from her initially - just let your stuff sink in for a bit Link to comment
joethe Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 thanks for your help here is what i added let me know what you think: I do know that some of our problems are caused by me doing things or not doing things, I also know that I have not treated you the way you deserve to be treated. I have gone threw solutions to most of our problems over and over again on paper, and I feel really strongly that these solutions could help me, you, and our family grow. Link to comment
Sparkie Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 I think you need to hit a nerve with her. Be specific. If you did something that hurt her, say what it was. If you neglected her needs, tell her how you did that. IMHO, she needs to hear that you 'get it'. And to do that, you need to be specific. I don't know why you broke up, so this is just my 'generic' opinion. But if you are at fault at all, I think it is important that she hears why, not just that you were. being vague has the potential to come off as insincere, or having not given it much thought. There are plenty of 'getting back together' letters on ENA if you search them out. Link to comment
joethe Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 how would you search for those letter. just so i can get a good idea where i need to go with this Link to comment
Sparkie Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 Try using the 'search' window at the top of the page, or just trawl through a few threads. It all depends on why you broke up. Many people will tell you not to bother with a letter. If you do it, do it once, be prepared to back up what you say, and be prepared to walk if needs be. Be strong about it. If you neglected her, say things like 'I realise now that I was irresponsible going out with my friends all the time when I should have been at home helping you with (insert child's name), or 'I realise i took you for granted at times and didn't give you what you needed from me', or I realise i can be a bit selfish at times and I understand that is no fun for you' etc etc. Show her that you understand how your actions left her feeling unloved. Look at things through her eyes. And if you don't know what you did wrong, then find out before you do anything. Otherwise you will head down the same old path as before. There's no quick fix that will last. It will take time for you to change. And even then, it may be too late. But you need to learn from the mistakes and better yourself first. It has to come from you, or she won't believe it, and maybe for good reason. Link to comment
joethe Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 she i also put in there that i do not need a responce any time soon, rather sleep on it fo a while and let me know when ever your ready..? Link to comment
atelis Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 good advice from sparkie. when i read your letter, it struck me as being very ambivalent. You need to understand why the relationship didn't work and what your role was in causing the break-up. Quitting means nothing if you don't understand why the break-up happened or what you did that contributed to it. Do not criticise her for quitting...........she may have a very good reason for quitting if you were not attentive enough or you neglected her. You need to open up to her and tell her why you made mistakes........what are your fears that lead you to your behaviour and what are you prepared to do about it Link to comment
joethe Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 she does complain about me knowing showing enough effection, thats sort of what you mean right? Link to comment
joethe Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 heres the new letter, do i still need to tweak it? or is it ok?: I have never been and never will be a quitter, us on the other hand are quitting way too easy. When times get tough we both just give up on each other instead of working on things together. We tend to throw away our future of happiness and our family with out a fight. Maybe its too late, or maybe its not. I just have never been the one to give up on something so real, people would die to have the love that we share with each other, yes we have our problems like every other couple, and the difference is when we get mad at each other we let it go way too far. I do know that some of our problems are caused by me doing things or not doing things, I also know that I have not treated you the way you deserve to be treated. I know I did not show you the affection you deserve. I have gone threw solutions to most of our problems over and over again on paper, and I feel really strongly that these solutions could help me, you, and our family grow. I finally understand what has been going wrong in our relationship, it took me this damn long but I think I finally figured it out. I guess the point of this letter is to let you know that I am a fighter and will fight for something that I feel is real, and our family (to me) is as real as it gets. If you feel like quitting and totally moving on, I will do the same, I have lost you before I think I can do it again, its just I couldn’t live with myself if I knew I quit without a fight. You can also turn us down and go tell your best friend Ashley and you two can have laughs about this for a while. But I really don’t care, our family is worth any risk to try to save it. Me Link to comment
WomanWriter Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 Wow...you HAVE to send this! I would LOVE if my ex sent me this same letter. He'd be back in an instant! Even if your ex doesn't take you back after this, you will really say all you have to say and end it with the closure you need, perhaps. Good luck! Link to comment
joethe Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 thanks for your input, i think its a good letter too. i dont sound too deperate rather i tell her how i feel, and what i can do to better the relationship. Link to comment
Sparkie Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 Ditch the last paragraph about her laughing about it with her friend. It is just petty and irrelevant. Good luck! Link to comment
joethe Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 it is kinda relevant, ashley is my cousin, who i really dislike for many reasons. I think that paragraph shows her that i dont care about the humiliation, rather the reward if we get back together Link to comment
Sparkie Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 Leave it it then. But as an adult, with a child, trying to reconcile with another adult, it just sounds petty. I can't see why your dislike of your cousin has any relevance to a 'getting back together' letter. Like you equate losing her as being equal to being humiliated by someone you don't like. But you know your situation best. Again. Good luck Link to comment
atelis Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 she does complain about me knowing showing enough effection, thats sort of what you mean right? Honestly, it really doesn't sound like you know what the problem is, which is obviously a concern. When i read the letter you typed on here, it just seems like a form letter that anyone could send to their partner......it's very generic, not very personal and doesn't focus enough on admission of fault for what went wrong. To me it just sounds like the biggest problem for you two is a lack of maturity and this results in petty arguments and bickering which become toxic after a while. I'm not trying to be critical for the sake of it, but if you want to write a letter designed to get your partner back, i would have thought that you would have a good handle on why the relationship broke up in the first place and what your contribution to that was and how yu intend to do things differently Link to comment
joethe Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 i did talk about what we could do differently, it says what i have done wrong and the solutions of have thought of to change it. Link to comment
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