Is it normal to ogle someone else in front of girlfriend?

[Moksha]

I have a really important question...Is it normal for my boyfriend to be saying how hot another woman is when I am sitting right next to him? Most of the time the comment is being made to me, when we are watching a movie together. To show him I am not insecure, a lot of the time I ask him if he thinks someone is pretty..like Nicole Kidman the other night when we saw Cold Mountain..so I do invite him to tell me if he thinks someone is attractive or not. BUT, sometimes he sounds as if he lusting after someone instead of just admiring her looks. Last night just as an example we were watching TV and Britney Spears came on and he all the sudden said in an excited way..."OH my god, she is sooooo hot..Oh god!" That to me sounds more like lust than simply admiring, and I felt kinda invisible when he said that, and when he's acted like that a few other times about other actresses etc. He has never given me a compliment by the way, so that's why I feel invisible when he acts like that. Does the way I feel make any sense? Should I say something to him? Is that just the way guys are?

[woobiegirl]

I would say it's perfectly normal for either party to admire someone they find attractive, but not to the extent it makes the other person feel uncomfortable. It would also be amiable to compliment the person you are with, after all...they should be the main focus.

 

Let him know how you feel about it, if he doesn't like it, find someone who makes you feel like #1. You deserve it!

 

take care,

Woobiegirl

[cakes]

Hey

 

Yeah my bf use to do that, but i think he knows it's kinda like 'what the hell man' so he doesn't...

 

I dont know why it hurts me and upsets me when i see him going bonkers over some friggen britney spears..do you get like that??

 

Like when we're with his guys, and they'rea ll like ohh did you see that britney video and they GO ON AND ON bout it..i'm just like what the fcuk..

 

its not like she looked like that all her life. God she's got trainers every day, shes got ppl telling her what not to eat and she's taking pills to help her burn fat..

 

whatever, guys are pigs sometimes

[Fisch]

Hiya girls,

Cakes please dont... My ex used to go on and on about how hot and cool other guys were, we were even in her room one time, and she takes out this picture of her with two ambecrombie and fitch half naked models on her arms. And she shows it to me with a smile on her face. And whenever i got pissed or sad over it she would just sort of disconnect from me, or pretend like nothing happened. She continued to do it even after i had made it clear that i hated it. And im not even a doormatish guy! GRRR it was so evil! lol not literally, its just foolish. When im with a girl i dont have to discipline myself because physical beauty is enhanced by the fact that i love girls just for being themselves. Anyway, anyone who oogles in front of their gf or bf or especially TO their gf or bf is lacking in relationship skills. I mean seriously, these people are not exactly relationship gurus. I like to be the best at everything that i do, and when it comes to relationships, what seems like the more effective action to have a more enjoyable relationship? 1. Making your partner feel like the most beautiful person on earth or 2. Making indirect comparisons of your desire of other people to you? So to people that oogle i say: Its not that fing hard to figure out what pleases people, aZZCLOWNS, You can't seriously think that doing that sort of thing will do anything but discourage your partner. People are vain and no matter what alot of people deep down inside hold on to the hope that they can be the most beautiful person in the world, at least to someone else. What i am saying is, if you are skilled enough, there are other ways of showing girls/boys that you arent a doormat without discouraging them. Of course it is reasonable to find other people attractive and tell your gf/bf in an assertive way if you think it necessary, but to tell your partner without being asked as if you could have a little bathroom talk about how cute he/she is like you do with your other friends, thats just weak. At the least dont say things about others that you havent or wouldnt say to your partner! It may seem silly, but its just the way it feels sometimes. blah sorry for being so messy, probably said alot of things i didnt mean, but whatever i dont feel like editing myself.

-Your pal Fisch

[Moksha]

Thanks for your input guys...I really like a lot of what you had to say fisch. You summed it up perfectly. I do just want to feel that he finds me as attractive as the women he comments on. While he doesn't really compliment me, he can't keep his hands off of me..not only in a sexual way, but he is also very cuddly..so in a way I take that as a compliment. I know he is very attracted to me, and I am very confident in my appearance...BUT, when he crosses that line from admiration to lust, I feel like I have to compete with those women on some weird level. I'm not sure if he's trying to get a reaction from me to know how deep my feelings are for him..or if he's just being ignorant. We broke up a few months ago and have recently gotten back together..we are taking things sloooow and in order to protect myself I am holding my feelings back a lot. Lately, I haven't said much at all about how I feel about him or what I want from him..I wonder myself how deep his feelings are for me. While I don't want to cross the line yet into a talk about us, I really want to say or do something about this...Any suggestions?

[Fisch]

Heya Moksha!

First off i would agree that his not being able to keep his hands off you is a compliment. And if you want him to compliment you back vocally or otherwise, try complimenting his looks in the way that you want him to do to you, this will tell him that you think that kind of thing is appropriate in your relationship. I would say that the definite wrong thing to do, no matter what would be to ask if he lusts more for the girl he is oogling at than u (or anything liek that). That will back him into a corner in which he MAY be forced to either lie to you or hurt your feelings IF he does lust for the "ooglee" more lol. It isnt an easy situation, because you would want to know the truth. If i were ur friend there and i knew the guy i would go up to him and be like: dude you know what i hate? when my girlfriend oogles other dudes (because i can assure you that when it goes too far guys hate it to) i bet chicks hate that shyte to cuz it means a person is not really cognizant of what that kind of action means to you. But i cant do that lol. My advice would say when it comes up, dont be submissive towards it, but dont be overly aggresive about it. Meaning dont get angry but dont get pleading (which you seem to be good at Moksha) bcuz remember you want the truth, right! And doing the same thing back to him (oogling guys) may feel good but it doesnt fix anything, it makes it worse. In his head there is a reason that he thinks it is ok to oogle girls around you, and you want to find that reason. Is it because he thinks you know that physical attraction isnt as important (as intellectual attraction or other) to him and that is why he is with you? Is it because he would rather be with someone he thinks is prettier and doesnt realize that he wouldn't be oogling if he were with a "britney spears"? Is it that he is trying to irritate you because you have a combative relationship? Is it because he is a complete fool when it comes to relationships, or maybe he just missed out on this one aspect? Is it because he thinks you do similar things? Is it because he wants to tell something indirectly Like "see how close we are we can even talk about how hot other people are together!" Lol you can probably cancel alot of these examples out right away ( i can judging from your description). But I listed all of these examples to show that the truth may be positive or negative. However, I think that you should pay the most attention to wether he cares or not that it bothers you. If you want to illicit truth, put your emotions away, take an almost scientific attitude towards the question and ask something like: "Im not mad or anything, and i do believe that you may have a perfectly honorable reason for feeling like its ok, but what is it that makes you think that oogling that girl doesn't annoy or hurt me? I think you are great (replace with a good compliment lol) and i know that lots of couples oogle at other people sometimes, but i dont know that we have a secure enough relationship YET, for either of us to be ok with that sort of lust for others, when two sides of a relationship are ok with that sort of thing, its usually because they have experienced the true level of attraction/love for eachother and that it is greater then the lust for the "oglee"." I know that sounds bad and corny. I dont even think i would advise using those words (depending on your relationship, i dont really know)And i have to say, it probably wont get you a direct or even very accurate answer, but the fact is that you ARE insecure about whether he loves(whatever level of love you are looking for) you or not and/or whether he thinks you are attractive enough for YOUR own standards, and sometimes insecurity is justified, that is for you to judge. I mean if he told you something like the following examples do you think that you would be worried about his oogling, or even tthat he WOULD be oogling: "just because i think they are pretty (or even prettier then you), doesnt mean i would rather make out with them or be with them (because appearance isnt the only thing that motivates physical attraction, there is speech, confidence, grace, personal connection, and lots o other things) and i admire you more for these things etc etc!" or frequently complimented your looks, or swept you off your feet all the time, I dont think soo. Lol do i ever shutup? Gotta love it. So your job is to confront him about it in a way that shows him that you believe in the possibility that the TRUTH is a positive one (not pleading), but u also believe it could be negative(not angry), and that you arent jumping to any conclusions but you want to know what he would say to you having been confronted with it. Oh and also an important thing if you bring this up DONT ASSIGN THIS ACTION SPECIFICALLY TO THE MALE GENDER, it will alienate him and be an unfair and untrue attack. Its a fact that male's are more responsive to physical attraction then females, but that, when considered on a quantitative scale is NOT A 0 to 1 COMPARISON LOLOL! I am reaally sorry for delving into the fundamentals of the problem and for being a scatterbrained writer, i know its hard to draw usable advice from the way i give it, but i am reluctant to give more specific advice because i dont really know about your relationship enuf to do so. I know that the nature of your relationship probably isnt in the right mode for you to be able to say what i advised, but i hope it at least made you think of what effective goals would be in this situation.(god i sound like a high school health teacher *shudders* *pauses*shudders again*)

Thx for readin, And good luck Moksha.

-Your pal 0X FISCH