Dumpees: think CLEARLY: is it REALLY your ex you miss/want back or just company& certain behaviours?

[canali]

just wondering..hey a breakup is called a breakup for a goodr reason: things are NOT working for one or both parties.

 

often when we're dumped we've also involved ourselves in neglectful behaviours (along with the dumpers)...I mean towards the end of my gig I felt both sadness as well as relief....(she beat me to the finish line as my actions were dumper like too)...

 

I think alot of us engage in selective recall and stay wayyy longer than we need to sometimes (not always of course) in a relationship because we'll miss the COMPANY (loneliness/sex) and certain BEHAVIOURS and that we're HOOKED into the other person and the STORYBOOK ENDING MYTH...but often in the end the communication is stifled ...or the sex is so so/dead...or there is boredom....sometimes we let a relationship take over our RESPONSIBILITY for our OWN HAPPINESS (guilty!!)

 

I realize I acted like a dumper in some ways: towards the end I dreaded (yes dreaded) sex with her as there was such a divide so in some ways I ''deserved'' to be dumped...sexually she felt rejected (her hubby of 15 years had ended their relationship 5 yrs earlier with an affair so me also rejecting her i'm sure just made her feel hurt...she pursued me more than I did in that area of sex in the end)...but she was unwilling to talk things out, too...so I can only do so much and I'm one who really wanted it to work, too...but it has to take TWO parties when all is said and done.

 

Am I right or off the mark here?...so keep in mind all the other stuff that was NOT working so well folks to keep some perspective.

[twomonks]

hi canali,

 

i don't know, as far as i am concerned. there are always going to be ups and downs in a relationship.. just as you described. it's having the commitment, communication and willingness to work on this that matters. personally, unless there is abuse or addictive behaviors viable relationships should be salvageable.

 

of course this is me speaking as the dumpee.

[Growl1971]

yes, you're right...

 

not all relationships are meant to last forever, and it doesn't matter if there wasn't any cheating or abuse.

 

somethings just end. they run their course. people fall out of love.

 

it's sad, but it's part of the bigger picture, and that picture is to get yourself to the person that it IS supposed to last forever with, at least hopefully.

 

you have to have enough in common in respect to your compatability, values, goals, timing of where you are in life, as well as chemistry. when all these things come together it should be a good relationship.

 

yes, to a point agree with twomonks...there will be ups and downs in relationships, OF COURSE...but that's where committment comes into play...both parties must hold on, and if one or the other doesn't want to...well...there's nothing you can do about that.

[StillConfused]

You are right... I was contiplating leaving. i would sometimes be mean or tell him to not come over. Only because his meaness towards me was so hurtful. Or the way he treated me sometimes. Or like finding out he was still married and living with his wife. YEAH YOU ARE VERY RIGHT!! I don't miss the lies or the man I found out he was. I miss the man I thought he was in the beginning. But that man is long gone. Actually he never exisisted. And that really hurts.

[FriendnorFoe]

Wanting our ex-back has a hidden agenda, what I mean is that we might love them but more strongly being with them made us happy. The end of the relationship means the end to our happiness in a sense, understand that throughout your time together everything you did was to make yourself happy, even when you bought her stuff, did favors for her that you might have not wanted to do, in turn you were making her happy but her happiness brought you yours aswell. I suppose thats why some people move on quicker than others, they find an emtional outlet that brings them happiness and they forgot about the former, its kinda like being a little kid with a new toy. I feel there is a certain selfishness in all this trying to get them back, just as someone dies you should mourn to an extent but not let it consume your life. The end of relationships and the end of life is inevitable so perhaps we shouldnt be so suprised when it happens and we have front row seats. What I mean about the selfishness is you are not sympathizing with the recently deceased or your ex, you are feeling sorry for yourself, sorry that you are the one depraved of this person, sorry that they left you alone, we dont really know this person will be happier in the afterlife or without you in a new relationship, and we have to start understanding that we cant always have what we want in life, especially if it wasnt yours to begin with. relationships are a team-effort, partnership, you should never think that you own this person, I once had a simlar outlook, made me delusional about her always being with me, when in fact this contributed to our breaking up.

[viajera]

That's a very good point. I loved my ex - heck, I was madly in love with him, he made me happier than anyone ever has. I miss him - or, perhaps, the him I thought I knew - and the good times we had. But I don't miss the way he was, the way things fell apart in the last couple months.

 

But you're right. More than anything, I miss the dream I had of our lives together, the commitment, the companionship, the way everything fit together so perfectly, in both our relationship and in how he could, so perfectly, help me achieve my professional goals. We got married, for Gawd's sake - we promised to spend the rest of our lives together, for better or worse. I'm a realist, I knew it may not last forever - but at least a few years. How can "forever" not even last 3 months???

 

I don't believe I acted the dumper role at all (and I know I have in previous relationships). We did fight - and at the end he claimed I yelled too much - but I only yelled when he lied to me, or being completely irresponsible with money. Like 3 times in 3 months. Compared to my most significant previous relationship, this is nothing.

 

Anyhoo, I'm rambling - but again, good point to keep in mind.

[cl76]

My ex accused me of the same thing: that I was afraid of losing a "girlfriend" not because I was losing "her".

 

I think you have a point though.

 

In my case I know that I do love her dearly, it was not until I read some relationship books that I understood what drove her to leave me: neglect.

 

It was not intentional neglect, it was simply miscommunication between men and women - a lack of understanding of our differences.

 

Anyway, 20 days of NC and it's killing me.

[InRecovery]

I miss the person she was, not the person she clearly is (perhaps always has been). I miss feeling special to someone and having them feel special to me.

 

Letting go and realising this is a real tough process but was massive for me. I still feel sad for a lot of reasons, but I can look back at her behaviour and know I can't bee with someone who would be so inconsiderate and show a complete lack of disregard for my feelings because my being confused was annoying her.

 

I miss the closeness. But with her thats gone, and it brings its own sadness of realising that I've wasted a lot of time, effort, money and emotion on someone I shouldnt have. And thats not saying she's a bad person, just that it could never of really been there for her to act in the way she did.

[canali]

''It was not intentional neglect, it was simply miscommunication between men and women - a lack of understanding of our differences.''

 

as per your quote above CL76 I don't agree on the differences in communication between men and women...i think given our day and age in relationship issues it's more about how a person is raised to communicate ...ie my ex was raised in a traditional Scottish household wherein children are seen and not heard...she told me relationship issues were seldom discussed...and that only recently it's that her and her sister (they're in their 40s/50s respectively) are starting to HUG one another (ay vay!)

[WomanWriter]

hi canali,

 

i don't know, as far as i am concerned. there are always going to be ups and downs in a relationship.. just as you described. it's having the commitment, communication and willingness to work on this that matters. personally, unless there is abuse or addictive behaviors viable relationships should be salvageable.

 

of course this is me speaking as the dumpee.

 

I agree with this. I think most things in life can be worked out with the right attitude, but it has to come from BOTH parties. Unfortunately, in life, not everyone has the tools to solve certain problems, at least not all at the same time.

 

I've given it a lot of thought and I do miss my partner himself. There are other people who have acted like my ex but they are NOT him. I've had ex's say the same things, do the same things, etc. It doesn't matter what the person does so much as how I feel about him. Anyone can cuddle with me, play videogames, say "I love you," but it doesn't mean much to me unless it's the person I know and love. My ex is a bundle of specific traits, imperfect but he's unique.

 

It's like with a parent (if you are close to one). Can anyone substitute for your beloved mom or dad (or grandma or whoever)? Yeah, there are a lot of people who love us but certain people have been with you for a long time and you've grown attached to their particular personalities. Not just anyone will do.

 

Hard to get to know someone ALLLL over again and appreciate them the same way. It could happen...but it's never really the same, I guess (maybe better, maybe worse...or just different...who knows).

[canali]

Woman Writer: as per your quote below:

Yeah we ALL hear you and can relate: while none of us DOUBT that there are better choices out there its the drudgery of having to go through it all over again which sucks bigtime...that's why for now I'm focusing on ME and making new friends/getting emotionally/spiritually/physically healthier: with or without a new partner...hopefully as I get stronger it'll matter less (as I fill up my heart with more friends/interests) and if someone DOES come around I'll be ready for it and in a better place....

 

That said, in reality our exes were not perfect either and I"m sure also didn't meet alot of our needs, too. (and vice versa)

Sometimes we just forget this when we're pining was just the point of my thread.

 

I've given it a lot of thought and I do miss my partner himself. There are other people who have acted like my ex but they are NOT him. I've had ex's say the same things, do the same things, etc. It doesn't matter what the person does so much as how I feel about him. Anyone can cuddle with me, play videogames, say "I love you," but it doesn't mean much to me unless it's the person I know and love. My ex is a bundle of specific traits, imperfect but he's unique.

 

Hard to get to know someone ALLLL over again and appreciate them the same way. It could happen...but it's never really the same, I guess (maybe better, maybe worse...or just different...who knows).

[forever1130]

I absolutely agree!

 

Towards the end of my relationship I don't think I was truly happy, at least not the way I was when we first started dating yet I continued to hold on in hopes that someday it would get better and go back to the way things were. Deep down I knew I would never be like that again, but at the time I felt it would be better to have him and not be happy than deal with the idea of not having him at all. Call it stupid or naïve but that's what I thought. I really do owe it to him for breaking it off cause I don't think I could have done it. I was so mad at him when he did it but looking back I think it was the most selfless thing he did, and I respect him for not stringing me along for any longer (now granted he did it in the least respectable way - text message - but nevertheless he did it).

 

I think I was in love with the idea of being in love, rather than being in love with him. Don't get me wrong, I still love him but not in the "I-wanna-be-with-you-forever" kind of way, if that makes sense?

[Aeryn]

I'm honestly not sure. I loved the guy I met, the guy who he was at the beginning of the relationship.

 

Towards the midst of the relationship, up until the end of the relationship, he would be 50/50--part of him was the guy I fell in love with, part of him way this new guy that I wasn't so happy with.

 

So yeah, when he was acting one way I was definitely happy. When he was acting the other way, we'd seem to get in more fights.

 

Since the breakup three weeks ago, however, he's seemed to be almost 100% "new"...and I don't like it. I still love him with all my heart, but I don't want this new person he has become. Granted, I miss him dearly. I miss the man who I would eat lunch with, who would come take me out on Friday nights, who I spent the summer nights with under the stars and in the swimming pool...

[canali]

Two monks:

Your mom is wise...I agree and I think I'll make this a new thread shortly ie, does our romantic myth of love get us in more trouble than not?'...I'm not sure if love does come easily however...alot of us have issues/filters that make it difficult to either love or accept love...to me as per the issues that are difficult you refer to it's sort of along Scott Peck's book 'the road less travelled': love is an intention NOT a feeling...so true isn't it?

 

yet when you think about it love also has to be a feeling, too, ie, it has to have some passion (even if anger as opposed to apathy) or it will fizzle out...i guess the difficult part is being able to determine WHEN we should shoulder on through the rough stuff OR take a break/breather OR give it up entirely...'tis never an easy answer for any of us, is it?

 

My Mom says that "love is the easy part". I really like that and I know she is right. Love is what comes most naturally, I have come to realize. The stuff that does not come so easily is what makes relationships such a continuum - the communication, the trust, the belief, etc

[twomonks]

canali,

 

it seems to me that love requires maturity and self awareness. the term 'love' is defined differently by different people.. there is a difference between 'he/she completes me' and putting the other persons needs at least as high as yours. i agree that intention is part of the story.

 

i think i mentioned in another thread a quote from ekhart tolle:

 

the longer the relationship, the more present we have to be.

 

for me this means many things; we become comfortable, less aware, we let things slide, we take the other forgranted. relationships are tenuous things...

 

just some quick thoughts... i appreciate the post.

[cl76]

''It was not intentional neglect, it was simply miscommunication between men and women - a lack of understanding of our differences.''

 

as per your quote above CL76 I don't agree on the differences in communication between men and women...i think given our day and age in relationship issues it's more about how a person is raised to communicate ...

 

 

I respectfully disagree canali. No matter what day and age we are in, the biological functions and hard wiring of male and female's brains are different. While modern life may have evolved in leaps and bounds, we humans have not.

 

Sure, how you are raised must have some impact, but without even going into the social aspects we know that women fundamentally have large portions of their brains devoted to communication which men do not.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that this is the reason the sexes have so many problems communicating in modern society, where all the traditional man/woman roles are mixed up and irrelevant. I believe that we fail eachother in relationships because we don't understand how the other person's mind works. What are the needs of the opposite sex in the relationship? Most of us don't know, we just think we do.

 

We have to accept that men and women are different. We must learn to respect those differences and use them in to our advantage in order to have successful relationships.

[ratfreak]

I do miss my last ex the person and what we used to have AND the companionship of being in a relationship. I'm comfortable on my own and don't feel the need to replace the spot just because he's gone but I do miss him. His hurtful things though - made me realize I could never have him back.

 

I miss him and his small, stupid and annoying little things he does. I know that things you share can be again shared with another person but it will not be the same. What you have with each person is diffrent...

 

 

I also have to agree with above posters - that love is the easy part and the longer the relationship, the move you have to be in it and work at it.

 

Both people have to be IN it and want to be in the relationship. Yes communication is super important but that can be worked on. Wanting to be with someone and compromising for one another is all together diffrent. You need something left after the fireworks burn out.

[aglaia]

 

as per your quote above CL76 I don't agree on the differences in communication between men and women...i think given our day and age in relationship issues it's more about how a person is raised to communicate ...ie my ex was raised in a traditional Scottish household wherein children are seen and not heard...she told me relationship issues were seldom discussed...and that only recently it's that her and her sister (they're in their 40s/50s respectively) are starting to HUG one another (ay vay!)

 

 

I agree. I have problems with this because my family is Asian, very traditional, conservative and we are not emotional and we seldom talk about relationships or very emotional things, and i know that has definitely contributed significantly to how i communicate on a deeper level with people today.

[FriendnorFoe]

Hmm are you into Irrigay Books, very similar ideology, and yes I believe this too be true, its actually not a matter of opinion but scientific fact, look at the obvious men and women, psychilly and mentally, we are not equal, otherwise we would be the same, we possess inferior and superior traits for both genders, equality is a a forced concept, the natural order shows that we are diffrent so rather in working on being tolerant towards each other would be much more advantageous.

[canali]

Epiphany ! Was again today feeling down on my walk and worked through my feelings as per this thread and realized a large part of my suffering is because part of my psyche is still wrapped up in the myth of "the one" in "happily ever after" not working out as my unconscious wanted...when I remember my ex and me and "us" in the end and all the disconnect VS my unconscious beliefs and desires I can understand how I invested so much into this mythology that I was unable to see clearly ....

 

I mean its funny but a lot of books ie Dr Hendricks "Getting the love you deserve/need" and other astute relationship therapists talk of couples having to overcome these "ugh" stages of reality after the initial romanticism/infatuation wears off and that many of us due to a lack of good role models in our own lives are unable to navigate these waters to better deeper ground...but if my ex believed we were" too different" and this in her mind unable to work through issues as such then this is a moot point..

 

.so I guess for me its saying goodbye and grieving some lost unrealized potential...but maybe it was never really there at all...argh! the romantic in me is so anti Buddhist lol!...hence my trying to be more present minded in my next relationship knowing that change and impermanance is truly the stuff of life too...will be interesting to see how that plays off against these "myths"that so many of us so deeply yearn for as social brings....

 

time now to build up more of that social support structure instead of getting so much of my validation from one person and these "myths"...and when I say myths I'm not trying to be derogatory but refer more to these as storeybook legends so many of us are raised on and hit with each day via Hollywood movies etc...you know what I mean?

[ScorpiGal83]

link removed

 

There is some good reading here about getting from Romantic Love to Vintage Love... and a lot of wisdom about why people get divorced, and stuff... really, really good reading, better than those cheesy 'get your ex back' ebooks which are full of manipulative nonesense... no, this Turtle guy is the real deal.

 

It's helping me a lot in understanding the journey of love and relationships..

[canali]

thanks very much...will check it out!

all the best with your own healing.