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In love but not comptible?


Supercop

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My ex bf and I were seeing each other for quite some time. We started as good friends and always loved each other, but when we commit to each other, we can't seem to sustain it. I think it is because we are not compatible as a couple.

We have gone our separate ways, but now he is interested in trying again, and I am torn because I love him as a person, but I just don't know that we can make a relationship work.

 

If anyone can help me reconcile these feelings, I would appreciate it.

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If you're heart is in it and you are ready to reconcile with him, then there should be no problems. You guys don't necessarily have to be completely compatible in order for the relationship to work out. You can learn to accept each other the way you are and learn to love each other because of your differences.

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Im on the same situation but on my case just didnt work out,we tried to make it work for years but never could make it.What helped me to decide to know if there was a chance to work was to know exactaly where you not compatible and if it is somthing you can change but if it is something like personalities like on my case I dont think it can work.

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I suppose it depends on what you're incompatiblilties are....

 

If you're a neat freak and he's a slop, then you both need to compromise, meet in the middle, and be mindful that the other person will never 100% change. But I think that sort of incompatibility is totally workable!

 

I mean, if you are two different religions, with tolerance and acceptance on both of your parts I think I can work. If your "incompatibilities" are something that are tough, like religion, but something you can work through, then maybe you should give it a try?

 

If it's something like he wants to travel the work, have two wives, and use drugs while you want a stationary home, a monogomas, faithful relationship, and a drug-free home, then yes, I'd say that you are incompatible and it will never work.

 

 

I suppose it depends on what type of incompatibilities you are referring to and how hard you are willing to work and compromise...

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Thank you so much for the kind replies.

 

We are just opposite: he is a night owl, and I am an early bird.

 

He smokes and drinks and I don't.

 

He likes to be in charge, I'm the opposite.

 

He doesn't like to plan at all and I would at least like to know when we have a date.

 

I am a very optimistic, positive person, and he is negative and can also be critical and judgmental.

 

Would you think these are just guy things, or deal breakers?

 

 

We do have an unbelieveable chemistry, though, like either of us have NEVER had.

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Night owl, early bird: Easily Doable with compromise

 

Smokes/Drinks vs none: Doable, but with compromise. Again, it depends on his frequency and how much is bothers you.

 

In charge/opposite: This should make you compatible, IMO. Let him take charge?

 

Planner/Plan-less: Again, like the night owl/early bird phenomenon, this takes compromise from both of you. You need to be more spontaneous and laid back, and he needs try committing to dates. Perhaps you can have a "degree system". He needs to have plans for big things: marriage, finances, etc. He needs to have tentative plans with you: Instead of "Let's hang out today" and you waiting around for his call, he gives you a day & time but doesn't plan the date? Again, doable with compromise

 

Optomistic/Pesstimistic: This is the only one on your list I think makes you truly incompatible. Being with a Debbie Downer would make me pretty pissy. If he's critical and judgemental, that's something he needs to work on himself (all the other things require change from both of you).

 

So, in summerary, only one thing I think would be a deal breaker, and I suppose if it's really a Deal breaker or not depends on the severity of his pessimism.

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Thank you so much for the kind replies.

 

We are just opposite: he is a night owl, and I am an early bird.

 

He smokes and drinks and I don't.

 

He likes to be in charge, I'm the opposite.

 

He doesn't like to plan at all and I would at least like to know when we have a date.

 

I am a very optimistic, positive person, and he is negative and can also be critical and judgmental.

 

Would you think these are just guy things, or deal breakers?

 

 

We do have an unbelieveable chemistry, though, like either of us have NEVER had.

 

are those the things that are stopping you? If you are really into commiting to each other and the good outweighs the bad, I'd say give it a shot, but you need to get in touch with what is stopping you. ... "critical and judgemental"... toward you? Is it hurting you? if so then he needs to demonstrate that he is capable of changing and that he is seeking help before you can be absolutelly sure... though there must always be some doubts in a relationhsip, as it's never easy, and it's work. But if he has hurt you with negativity, criticim and judgement, then he must regain your trust.

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Supercop--

 

Please tell me that this guy you're talking about isn't the same that you referred to in this post:

 

 

I've broken up with a narcissist because he keeps repeatedly tell me he doesn't know if he can be faithful.

Well, okay, then. I've had enough. When I told him so, he walked away, but now he's back and hounding me with calls and texts. He says that since I'm being so strong this time, I must have someone waiting in the wings. I'm just sick of it.

When that tactic doesn't work, he lays on the guilt trip -- he can't eat or sleep or work, etc...

 

And is this the same as the 48 year-old BF who you wrote this post about:

 

 

There were a few times in the beginning of our relationship when he wasn't sure what he wanted. (...) What it comes down to is he told me in the past that he wasn't sure if he would ever be able to be with one person. He tells me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, and he says that if he can't make it work with me, it will never work with anyone and he really wants to try to make it work and, in his defense, he is trying. We spend nearly every night together and we are always together.

(...)

Sometimes I'm not sure if he's vain or narcissistic or both. I know most people have a little of each. Plus, I know he has some self-esteem issues and I can recognize them because I have them myself.

(...)

I have a hard time because admittedly he is superficial and sometimes he does look at other women (usually blonds and always prettier than me -- and I've been told by many I'm very attractive) and I'm thinking he's wondering what he's missing. Am I over thinking or being on the defense and why?

 

So who has the problem? Me or him? How do I decide whether to move on in the hopes of finding someone with whom I don't have knots in my stomach over, or how much of this is my unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should be? And why can't I just enjoy the great aspects of our relationship instead of waiting for it to end all the time?

 

What about this post? :

 

 

At times we had a very loving relationship in all respects; the only problem was after about three or four weeks, or some other random time frame, he would pull away and distance himself. We have been at this for so long, I have to get over this emotional roller coaster. I don't know why I just can't get angry at him, but I'm one of those women who wants to "fix" him, (perhaps because I don't want to look at fixing myself).

My closest friends tell me (and I agree when I have moments of clarity), that we are absolute opposites and I fell into a trap of codependency in my relationship with him. I sort of lost myself. I don't know how I let that happen, other than the fact I had come out of a divorce and was lonely and scared and felt as though I would be alone forever.

I'm reading the book "How to break your addiction to a person" and I'm hoping that helps.

(I don't know if my two years of therapy is helping or not)

It may sound selfish to some, but I'm trying to think about myself and my feelings now because I can't live this way anymore. Each time he tells me the same things. He comes back after a day or two crying, he can't live without me, saying we were meant to be together and all of that stuff. I've even tried to keep things more casual between us, but the negative energy is taking its toll on me.

 

If these posts are all about the same guy,

 

then this has nothing to do with your qualities, or habits, or

anything that might spring to mind as a standard (potentially workable) compatibility issue.

 

This has to do with him not wanting to be tied to any one person, yet enjoying the reliability and warmth that you offer.

You're his fallback girl; not important enough to commit to, but easy enough to run to when nothing else is going on.

 

Not to mention, he doesn't even make you happy when you're together!

 

If this is the same guy, you're selling yourself short of what it is you really seem to want: a reliable, and committed mate.

And you know what? You owe it to yourself not to compromise on that want.

 

THERE ARE OTHER MEN! And you've "been told by many I'm very attractive"!

The more time you waste with this guy, the less chance you'll have of meeting the guy that will make you happy.

 

If you want to stay friends with this guy, great; maybe eventually you can enjoy each other as friends.

But I certainly wouldn't recommend going back for another round of unsatisfying relationship with him.

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ill give a very unprofessional opinion.

 

If he smokes, drinks, is very negative, and a night owl, it seems like he has deeper issues than just them.

 

You mean like he's a holdover from the Beat Generation?

(then again, they weren't particularly negative, eh?)

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Optomistic/Pesstimistic: This is the only one on your list I think makes you truly incompatible. Being with a Debbie Downer would make me pretty pissy. If he's critical and judgemental, that's something he needs to work on himself (all the other things require change from both of you).

 

So, in summerary, only one thing I think would be a deal breaker, and I suppose if it's really a Deal breaker or not depends on the severity of his pessimism.

 

I agree...the rest are fixable, but this one is a tricky one. When one of you will jump through hoops for the other, only for them to not acknowledge it, or assume it won't last, or expect even more, is going to take an emotional toll and unbalance the relationship.

 

I know from past experience...

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We are just opposite: he is a night owl, and I am an early bird.

 

He smokes and drinks and I don't.

 

He likes to be in charge, I'm the opposite.

 

He doesn't like to plan at all and I would at least like to know when we have a date.

 

I am a very optimistic, positive person, and he is negative and can also be critical and judgmental.

 

Would you think these are just guy things, or deal breakers?

 

We do have an unbelieveable chemistry, though, like either of us have NEVER had.

 

 

These things are most certainly not "guy things"; not all guys are the same, not at all.

 

Secondly, some of the things you list are far more glaring contrasts when put into the context of the relationship referenced in my last post (no. 10 in this thread).

 

If this is the same guy referred to in that post, then I would say that these all indicate what you do know deep down:

that this match is not a match.

 

If this is the same guy you'd written about in the posts I quoted, then I think that what you are calling chemistry

is something more like...

passionate attraction

compulsion to make things work

tension (which can be exciting... but the flip-side is that it can be nerve-wracking).

 

These sorts of feelings can be fun in the right situation,

but in this situation have only drawn you to stay long after you should have left.

It's moved on from an exiting thing to an addictive thing.

 

If you carry on, the chemistry experiment will only end with one or both of you like this:

](*,) OR OR

And ultimately,

 

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If this is the same guy you'd written about in the posts I quoted, then I think that what you are calling chemistry

is something more like...

passionate attraction

compulsion to make things work

tension (which can be exciting... but the flip-side is that it can be nerve-wracking).[/i

 

 

Odile: That is exactly what it feels like!!!

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Yeah, it sounds like you are definitely trapped in a cycle-- a sort of co-dependent enmeshment.

 

You can totally live without this guy, and in fact, you'd be far happier doing so.

A suggestion: Try to make a pros/cons list-- except hold off on the "pros" for two weeks.

 

Start with the cons, and give yourself a week just to list all the cons.

Be really thorough.

 

If you hit a mental block, just look through all your old posts on enotalone-- they're chock-a-block with list-able cons!

 

In fact, let yourself develop the list into a journal if it starts to naturally veer that way--

so if for example, you write: "he's a pessimist", feel free to flesh out that statement with all of the times he's really bummed you out.

Ditto for all the times he's made you feel like "less than", or the times his drinking's bugged you, and so on.

 

Then make a list about how you've felt while you've been together

I'll help you start:

doubtful, insecure, old, desperate, anxious, obsessed...

(does occasionally happy even make the list???)

I think you know what I'm talking about here.

 

Anyway, use that 2nd week to really spill your guts on to paper about how the reality of/with him has been.

 

Then, on the 3rd week, see what you can come up with for the pros list....

that is, if you even feel like bothering at that point.

 

Then, weigh the pros/positive feelings against the cons/negative feelings.

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