THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[windingwings]

Day 1, March 30th 2014

 

Seeing as I have found out he is seeing someone (a rebound as everyone says) he confirmed that he was in love and that we would not work out. we were in a LDR for four years but had a routine of being on Skype everyday, he visited 3 times, the second time he stayed for 6 months.

I actually feel good, for now. I'm hoping to distract myself with some video games and maybe some light reading or painting, the whole week I will be working and applying at the local college to become a Health Care Aide.

I ended things five weeks ago, one week after he started seeing this guy who is much younger than he is, 17 I assume from his Birthday. My ex will be turning 25 in December.

I still miss him but at the same time, I want to try this. I have my doubts he will try contact me but then again, 4 years is a long time, and his room has some stuff I've given him (doubtful he would sell the playstation 3 I gave him.) I feel that at the end of the 30 days, I might not contact him at all if he doesn't during my challenge, but we'll see.

[DreamySkies]

I "like" seeing so many new "faces" posting in here since I started posting in here... It sounds a bit morbid but I think what I find comfort in, is I can relate. To soo much of it. The feelings, the highs and the lows. It seems so real and fresh even now.

 

alr85 - It's selfish of your friends to be annoyed with you. Realistically, and I say this confidently, your breakup is so fresh. My counselor constantly reminds me of this when I start to feel guilty about still feeling so down. She assured me it would get easier, but she also told me I would never forget him. That the thoughts would be less often, but they'd never go away completely... I'm sorry you're struggling right now too. I know that feeling, where I've typed out a message and nearly sent it. There were times I did send it after I made it 30 days NC, but those first 30 days I was constantly typing emails and texts and writing him letters that I knew I couldn't send. Stay strong... but one piece of advice I have to be clear about is trust your gut and heart. We are online reading things about relationships, we are comparing our experiences to those of others. The truth is, no one was in the relationship but you two. Everyone is different and every relationship is different. So what may be the norm isn't always the norm for everyone. I am NOT trying to get you false hope, I'm just saying do what you think is best. Always. Seek guidance and support, but trust your own instincts. If we all fit the same molds and our relationships and breakups followed the same rules, none of us would have a use for this board. Where do you live? I'm in San Diego, your comment about weather made me think you're some place as warm and beautiful as it has been here!

 

Trying - Wow. I don't know where to begin. I feel so bad for him, but I feel even worse for you. What would your current boyfriend think about you and the ex hanging out? Is he understanding of these conversations and now, meetups? The reason I ask is I'd hate to see you lose him over the tug of war you're having with your emotions right now over your ex. You are clear with your ex what he needs to do to have any chance of regaining your heart, but he isn't doing it. He doesn't have to do what you want of him, but if he loves you as he expresses... then it's baffling why he doesn't. Drinking isn't going to get him anywhere but rock bottom. Yet, it's no longer your responsibility to make sure that doesn't happen. I don't want to tell you to stay away from him, I just don't see what good he is doing for you right now. He is continuing to hurt you. The contact and him reaching out may feel good for the moment, but he's continuing to prevent you from moving on. He's throwing you words but not giving you actions.

 

As for me, I am going to be courtesy and change the font to white. Out of respect of those currently in NC. Highlighting it will make it readable.

 

Well, I did meet up with my ex this weekend. I haven't regretted it, yet. I'm still processing a lot of the conversation and trying to sort out what I feel about it all. I will say my initial reaction is I am very glad that I took over three weeks of the LC (with his initiation) to make the reunion happen. Had I met him any sooner I don't think my confidence would have been strong enough and the results lest fulfilling. Once I communicated to him that I would meet him, his tone changed drastically. He always acted so "well if you want, or no rush, or when it's best" prior. Once I asked him to meet me on Saturday he seemed happier and anxious to lock on a time.

 

He came over to my place and we talked for about an hour. We let the dogs play and we just got reacquainted for the most part. Nothing impressive nor moving was really communicated at this point. Just kind of "wow... here we are". We had a slight disagreement about something and I was able to identify where this was heading. I would be raising my voice, turn stubborn, and try to prove him wrong/my point. Instead I calmly looked at him and said I wasn't trying to have an argument, so let's redirect this until we calm down. I could see on his face how impressed he was. Almost taken back that I wasn't spearheading a "my way" attitude like I use to do. I was SO proud of myself too. I was sure that once we interacted that everything I have valued and worked to change would go out the window. We finished talking it out and it was nice to come to see both views without some bitter taste and anger.

 

We left shortly afterwards to hit up a local brewery for a beer. It of course felt just like old times and part of me started to fear that this would end in us getting sloshed and saying and doing things we would regret. Shockingly (and with so much relief) he was NOT pounding the beer. In fact he stuck to tasters and then a final pint. I found myself impressed and this helped relax me, once I realized he wasn't pounding them like he use to. We talked for nearly three hours. The conversation ranged from so many topics and feelings. He asked me if I was angry at him, because he felt like I was holding a grudge in way. I sat there for a moment and then I came out with how I felt about his first email. How he told me what he wanted, needed, and expected. How there was no apology, no regret for his own actions. He said that he had to rewrite his own email a few times because he was afraid that is how I would read it. He tried to deflect that but he was sad that I still felt that way. It wasn't his intent. I still didn't get an apology though. So I asked him if thought there was things he did to contribute to this breakup and things he needed to change. He admitted he did and that under the moment it was easier to just be upset and angry than to try and work through those issues. He said he got to the end of his rope and he just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't harp on him and I let this be. I didn't want to turn it into a contest over who hurt who or did what. I just wanted to know how he felt. He made note that leaving was one of the hardest things he had ever done in his life. That some of his anger was due to how here he was trying his hardest to make it work for all three of us and that I wouldn't listen to how my actions made him feel. Ultimately that he was so unhappy that the unhappiness was spreading into his professional life and his external friendships. He wasn't happy with who he was becoming. He felt he too was walking on eggshells always. He admitted he tried his hardest to connect and bond with my son, but that it was so hard for him. I didn't want to go down that rabbit hole too much further though because I know I am sensitive about that and I didn't need to focus on that at the moment.

 

He made the comment that he always wanted us to get to this point, post breakup. To become at least friends. I stopped him there and looked him directly in the eyes and said that being his friend was not on the table for me. That the love I had for him and continue to feel for him, will not be something I can tuck away. He asked me why I wouldn't be happy to still have the friendship in the least. I said that it just wasn't something I would be comfortable with and that I knew myself well enough to not put myself through it. I did not feel that we were at a point where I could say "so either step up and let's start over" though. Partially because there was a part of me that didn't feel so confident it was what I wanted either. We talked out some other things as well but overall it was a really nice reunion. I constantly amazed at how well I was handling myself and my emotions and this "new" me. I was showing him without much effort on my part this different person. As we drove to pick up dinner to bring back to my place it hit me how happy I was with myself. I wasn't saying stuff to impress him or make him want me. I was being "me".

 

We ate and by the time he finally packed up the dog and left we had spent nearly 7 hours together. I had lost it one time the entire night, and it was when the dogs were playing with each other. I just felt so sad and guilty for my part in the breakup and knowing it didn't just hurt me, it hurt the dogs and my son. He wrapped his arms around me and held me and told me it was okay and that it would be okay. I apologized to him from my heart and he kept saying it's okay I know it's okay I believe you. This is going to be okay. Ugh... I cleaned myself up and joined him and we ate dinner and watched our favorite show.

 

The entire time he kept saying that this didn't have to be the last time we saw each other. When I'd squeeze Ava he'd reassure me that it wouldn't be the last time I'd see her. He even tried to coax me into running my hand through his beard, which he has grown out quite long. I resisted and told him that was far too intimate and something that was special to me. I could tell he was a bit shocked but respectful of it. Even as he left he suggested a dog park for us to meet up with the dogs at. I caught him a few times looking at me with the same look of desire and love, but I didn't allow myself to read into it. I don't doubt he loved me... but whether that love is enough to reunite us I still do not know. I didn't commit to anything, and not because I want to play a game. I just didn't know what I felt and I knew in the moment was NOT the time to make commitments or lay out expectations.

 

Once he got home he sent me a text that he had made it "home safe - thanks again for an awesome night!". I responded this morning with a smiley face and left it alone.

 

I am so glad I listened to my gut and my heart in meeting up with him. What comes next thought, I am NOT thinking about. I'm going to spend some time digesting the meeting and digesting what I feel. I did think about him more today than I have, but it wasn't all "butterflies and giddiness" it was a lot of reflection on what he said. I'm completely honest, right now I don't even want a second meeting. In fact I made it clear when he was leaving if there was anything that I had of his and I made sure to give him a dvd that was special to him. He tried to act like it wasn't a big deal but I made sure that after this, we didn't need to see each other again. I felt very relieved knowing this. I hope no matter what happens next or not at all, that I don't regret this. I feel in ways that I have closure. Closure that I can live with.

[DreamySkies]

One last bit... I promise no matter what happens for all of us here. The personal growth we will have, is unbelievable. I can see and feel how much I have grown and I am finding comfort in if this is all that I move forward with, how beautiful and lucky I am for it.

[muskrats21]

Day 5- Monday March 31st

 

Took absolutely everything I had to not text her this morning. Wanted to out of both anger and love. First weekend we didn't spend together in awhile. We work a lot during the week and see eachother here and there. Weekends are usually our time and they were GREAT!! Wanted to find out what she was doing. If she talked to her EX. Went out with him somewhere? Also, very strange and hurt not texting or calling on Monday mornings while we are getting ready to go to work for the day. Usually start out our work week talking to eachother about work and what we have to do this week.

[LatteLove]

1 month & 2 weeks / 6 weeks.

 

I still miss you so much sometimes it physically aches. Sometimes I cry still but a lot less and maybe once a week or two when I come accross a memory.

I feel the most in control I've been since the break up and the urge to reach out is lessening. I have so many things I want to say but I'm coming to terms with the fact that it doesn't make a difference. Once I heal in a few months I can always still say these things, or maybe I won't feel the need to at all in another month.

I nearly called you last week, but my friend happened to call me that night. I was convinced out of it and now I'm really glad I didn't break NC.

[trying2bestrng]

Dreamy,

 

Im dying to know what happened this weekend with your ex! Please share!

 

Wow, I feel like a dirt bag. My current boyfriend would dump me in a second if he knew I seen him. I am not going to do that again. I went over there not knowing what to expect. Now I know and it wont happen again. He is truly a mess and he can only help himself. He said his girlfriend slapped him and I thought to myself " you have only been seeing each other for a few months. Only hangout on the weekends and she has already slapped you?" He is a complete disaster!! It was over 2 years before I did that. He is selfish and a fool. Puke puke puke. I cant even imagine going back to him at this point.

 

Alr85,

 

Im glad you didn't text him. I think dreamy is right. Trust your gut. Every situation is different. Rejection sucks and its why we are all mostly here. I feel like I would be giving you bad advice if I tell you to break nc. I know what you mean by "if he comes back it will be different". Your head is in the right place when you know it wouldn't be that way... It might be but it wont stay that way. He will go back to being a drunk and all the same problems will surface. We cant fix these guys. We hope that we would be a good enough reason for them to change but we are not. A temporary fix is what it would be. Then its back to the way it was. I wish you could get the same clarity that I was given with my ex.

[windingwings]

Day 2 March 31st 2014

 

So even though the day hasn't even started yet I've been pulling myself back and forth thinking about all this, why would I take him back if he ever asked? For two weeks he lied to me about a guy he was talking to, they were together and apparently in love already, which leads me to the assumption that they might have been talking for longer, (He told me they met a week after we broke up.) So the last time we talked was on Saturday and it was then when I told him I knew he was at that concert with the guy even though he told me they weren't going to be there together he was just with friends and family. His phone was off all night which is suspicious for a weekend. That's when he told me that we wouldn't work and he was going to continue this one, and that he was in love with him when I asked.

So I sit here now and wonder, why do I think it would work? Maybe just being friends after these 30 days would be okay and I think I have disciplined myself enough yesterday to say, "Yeah I don't want him back, I don't need to be in a relationship now."

The difference between me and him is he needs companionship, he probably really needs to know he's in a relationship. I myself, I feel that I'd be okay on my own.

Still no contact but then again, it's only day 2, so I'm already starting to wonder if the thing he said on Friday about still having feelings for me and that he loves me deep down was a lie. I'm not going to drive myself crazy over it but it's still a question I can't have him answer.

[alr85]

I texted him. I had the most horrific dream about him last night and I woke up shaking and sweating. If I beat this dead horse into the ground and end up losing every shred of control I have, it still has to feel better than this past few days. I don't think he'll respond and I've accepted that. I think I'm done on the board. Your support has been so great but for me personally, coming here makes me fixate on him more because I'm using the board the wrong way. I'm using NC to get him back instead of to get over him. I'll still check in because I'm interested in your stories but I believe my counting days are over.

[DreamySkies]

Alr85 - Please don't leave. Take a break, but do come back. I know exactly what you're feeling. I promise. There were two phases I went through on this board. One, where I thought everyone was bitter and unstable. I felt advice was projected out of their own insecurities and needs. I truly believed my situation, my relationship and this love with my ex was so much "different". The second time was when I felt like this board was making me fixate on him. I'd come here and I would just cry. I'd stumble accross a rekindled relationship story and I'd long and ache for the simplest bread crumb from him. I would get angry when someone would say something that was so hopeless, rather than encouraging.

 

How are you sleeping? The reason I ask is my sleep schedule was horrible, and it still kind of is at times. If you haven't already, can you pick up some over the counter sleep aids? Melatonin is a natural supplement, but you could even go Tylenol PM or something else that is NOT habit forming. The reason I suggest this is because even though you are going to bed. You are not falling in REM or the deep sleep that you need. Your mind is NOT shutting off. I ended up having to go on something on rx (Elavil (generic: Amitriptyline) ) because the over counter stuff wasn't helping. The first few weeks I slept a few hours and would wake up at 3 or 4 am wide awake. Then it started to drain me. I would wake up 5-6 times a night in a panic. Xanax didn't even work to keep me asleep. Anyway, please don't downplay the sleeping part. It's crucial to everything right now.

 

Did he respond to your text?

 

 

WindingWings - He's going to wake up sooner than not and miss you. Miss you on a level he won't be able to tolerate. He is seeing the grass as greener... that's all. Honeymoon and bliss... then reality will set in. I can't tell you what to think or do when that happens. If he had left to be alone and focus on his own growth I wouldn't be so inclined to believe he'd be back. But since he left for someone else while in amidst of your own relationship, I doubt the relationship won't not only last but it's a matter of time before he's trying to rekindle things with you.

 

LatteLove - Good job on the strength to avoid that call. What a blessing your friend had called you that evening as well. Hang in there.

 

Trying - I did share, I just changed the color of the font, highlight it and you'll see it. I'm really sorry. I didn't intend to make you feel like a dirt bag. I just don't want to see you lose something that has sounded like such a positive thing for you, over the sick ex who keeps pulling you back in. I know how much you love him. It's love that gives us the strength and courage to keep fighting and holding on when we're at our wits end. It's love that propels us to put others first. I just don't want you to continue to hurt. He truly needs to make some changes himself before he can even remotely give you what you need, and DESERVE!!!!!

 

As for me I've woken up in such a great mood. I feel so light... I feel happier than I have been in some time. When I woke up this morning, I feel like it was the first time I didn't check my phone "hoping" for a text from him. I was more concerned with how much more sleep I could sneak in. I'm finding comfort in the saying, "they're an ex for a reason".

 

Also, for those who may feel like the dumper is not hurting or thinking about them... They are. He made mention that even after I had blocked him on facebook, that my avatar on his phone which is linked to facebook will update when I change my profile photo. He said he was scrolling through "contacts" when he saw my new picture... I hardly believe that. Also he made note of an instagram photo I had posted prior to him removing me. About how I had purchased a new guitar. He brought up the guitar before I even did... so don't think they're not creeping in your life or trying to find things about you, even though they left too. I felt so sure that he was sitting high on his horse happy and relieved to be rid of me. Living his life while I buckled on my knees in agony and heartache.

[trying2bestrng]

I see that now Dreamy, I needed to be on a computer to highlight. I'm very excited things worked out the way they did. I am having troubles wondering how you would stay away forever at this point. Please continue to update.

 

I felt like a dirt bag as soon as I pulled in his driveway, So it is not what you said, I just confirmed what I was feeling I know now that I cant lose M (I will call current boyfriend M) I feel I did need to see my EX in that drunken state.. it just makes me appreciate what I have even more. I wont sneak around and be deceitful again. That is exactly what I did and that is not the kind of person I am.

 

Alr85, So you had a weak moment. So have I...BIG TIME. What did you say in your text? Dreamy is right again. There is many stages and if anyone needs to stop posting on this forum, its me.

 

I have been in full contact for a while now but I wanted people to know where I started and where I have ended since I began NC. I feel I have grown a lot and have done everything in my power to come to conclusion that I have come to. You will also grow in one way or another. Don't think I didn't start posting on here because of the same reason. I wanted my EX back and NC was the way to go for both of us...I have appreciated the feed back and even if I didn't get any, I was fine with just writing it down. I have shared some horrible things.

 

I wanted my EX back but already had a great guy. I probably would have found that annoying if it was anyone else. In fact I am annoyed with myself in a lot of ways, especially when I look back through my feed. I didn't expect to get feedback. It was just nice to get my feelings out since my friends were sick of hearing it.

 

There is more in store for you alr85, please keep us updated. You have much progress to make no matter what direction you go with your EX.

[alr85]

Wow thank you guys for the awesome responses. I just texted this morning saying "Hey stranger-- I'm drinking my coffee this morning out of the Giants cup you left behind. It made me think of you. Hope you're doing well." (Little does he know he occupies my mind more often than not. It doesn't take a stupid cup to remind me) I didn't leave space for him to respond by asking a question. I guess this is my chance to play calm and cool when he doesnt respond and i should handle it like he believes I won't. I've had recurring nightmares that he's dating someone and the nightmares are so intense and real they're causing panic attacks. I know I won't hear back from him. I just wanted a peace offering. Its selfish but I hate that there's someone out there in the world who knows me so intimately that is able to cut me out so easily-- I feel hated by him and that broken part of me is affecting me in every area of my life. I just want to stop feeling debilitated by his memory. I'm so much better than he ever deserved to have. I just want this pain to go away and he has shut me out completely. He's either 1.) Still angry with me 2.) Still hurting and having a hard time talking to me 3.) Worried I'm going to try to rope him back into a relationship or 4.) Stopped caring completely or is in a new relationship.

 

Dreamy-- I'm sleeping horribly. Its in chunks of about an hour or 2 and the slightest sounds wake me up. I've thought about Tylenol p.m. but I have to wake up at 5:30 during the week and I'm worried I'll be drowsy.. but I guess I wake up drowsy anyways lol

[DreamySkies]

Trying - I think you're in the place you're suppose to be, as far as posting on this forum and this thread. I am no better, I didn't believe it at first but ultimately my intentions with NC was to get him back. The problem is, I didn't go NC until nearly the third month post BU. I feel like I ruined so much opportunity and "chances" within those first 24/48 hours. It's good sometimes to see what is out there and then compare it to what you had and realize how far from good it really was. That sort of plays into my situation as well. Up until I started "dating" and getting out of the house I was dead set on believing he was the only one for me. The greater part of me still believes this without a doubt, but I also know he's not the end of me anymore. I can and will find love again if I have to, want to.

 

The reason I am so apprehensive to attention as of late, is because it's all based around my illness. He still hasn't said "I want this again". He still hasn't said he wants to work on making this happen again or anything along those lines. He wants to "friendzone" me. I feel like anything I give of myself to him and what I allow him to be part of will always be under the umbrella of his "friendship". I don't want to be his friend. I want his heart and to be his gf or nothing at all. I guess I just don't truly trust his intentions and what he expects or even wants out of this. We didn't talk about "us". Just about our breakup and aspects of what drove it.

 

My sister has expressed a few times now that I shouldn't focus so much on him/the dead relationship but rather my health. There's nothing else I can do about my health at this point than to see my doctor, take the medication and wait around. Work must go on, raising my son must continue, and living is no different.

 

alr85 - a lot of medication doesn't help with long term issues, Tylenol p.m etc So they will help you fall asleep generally but may not be helpful for the later night/morning wake ups. The panics though is something to be concerned with. I would ask your Dr if they can give you an rx for the drug I mentioned previously. I can take 1-3 pills and while I did wake up at times it wasn't with a panic. More of a rollover and back asleep I go. Where as prior even on xanax I would wake up and be in the middle of a panic attack. I don't take it anymore since I've been able to sleep better without. I never had a problem falling asleep though. It was staying asleep and getting into that deep sleep (REM) that we need.

 

I doubt he's in a new relationship. I imagine he really is hurting. A comment my ex made when I brought up my son missing him. He told me that was the number one reason he never wanted to date a woman with a child. He knew if it went south it would hurt the child too. I never even considered that as a reason to be hesitant about dating a parent. This lead to him being open about how hard it was to leave and how he didn't want to break up what we had spent so long creating. So I know your guy is thinking much similar thoughts and misses your daughter too. She wasn't just baggage to him. I assure you.

[FreelyPB]

Day 7 of NC

 

Had my first session with my therapist. Learned a lot. I'm in a really healthy space. Really looking forward to posting day 21 and Day 30 etc... It's Spring and I want to enjoy it with a clear head and healthy emotions.

 

What I appreciated about him...his hands. They were so manly! *melts*

[alr85]

Ok-- more texting. Not sure where I belong since I've made contact so I'll stick to this board for now. I feel like a quitter.

 

I didn't get a response so I took a leap of faith and texted him a message basically saying that I'm sorry I messaged him earlier and I just realized as I was sitting at my daughter's swim lessons that he didn't write back and that there's a chance he doesn't want to hear from me and that I have to better about accepting that. I also said I was curious if he didn't respond out of respect for me, anger or indifference. That I wouldn't be able to probably ever stop caring about him considering he was such a big part of my life at one point and even though I wish I could, I'm just not that type of person. I told him I wonder if he ever thinks about us when he hears certain songs or goes by places we've been. Then I just ended it by saying I want us to be ok with each other and I want him to stop hating me. He responded by saying "I don't hate you at all was just real busy all day with inventory stuff. Hope you guys are well and you find someone good." I made a joke about his inventory day at work being so close to rent day and how both are equally suckish. Then I said "Do you really hope I find someone good? Cause I'm still secretly at the point in the break up where I'm hoping you repel women. It's a selfish phase I'm working out lol." He wrote back and said "I just want you guys to be happy." I said "Me too and we'll get there. It's a day at a time. Are you happy?" and he wrote back saying "Ya I'm ok" I said "well that's good. You deserve it. Have you dated much?" and he said "Not at all" He usually cuts me off at this point given his responses were getting shorter so I said "Yeah its a huge leap. It does get easier I hear. Anyways, D is getting out of the pool. She gives the instructor a run for her money lol. Take care, Barber." (Barber isn't his last name. I of course used his last name). He didn't respond which he won't.

 

What do I make of this? I won't be reaching out again for a while. I think I really pushed it with this and am shocked he responded at all. I sort of knew insinuating that he hated me would get a response out of him because I know he doesn't hate me.. he just doesn't love me anymore. Not sure how i feel right now. Thankfully I don't have to know how I feel at the moment.

[windingwings]

So it's still Day 2 and I realize now how hard it is not to check up on him. He posts a lot on Twitter and Instagram now and he seems to be falling back into his older ways. Looks really happy on the outside from what I remember, spending a lot more time with his three week boyfriend. I kind of feel like I won't hear from him and it will hurt, I won't contact him or text him back. Deep down though I hope he does.. Just to know if he really cared. We have a huge history, four years of love, tears and a whole lot of other things. Deep down I want him back but at the same time I know better. How do you guys keep so strong from checking your exs social medias?

[Beduldac]

I went No Contact 11 days ago. Consensus seems to be waiting 30 to 60 days before starting light contact. In any case, I am not going to attempt it until I know she is single again.

[alr85]

Windingwings- Social media makes this one hundred times harder that it would have been 20 years ago. I had to block my ex and unfriend his family and his friends. I kept some mutual friends but after they tried talking to me about him I asked them to stop. It hurts and its hard and I had moments where I would ask them to fill me in on him. But knowing never made things better. He will not forget you easily. My good friend's ex found a new girlfriend right away. They only lasted 2 months. He can't erase your 4 year relationship with a new one. I promise you that. Some people use alcohol to cope, some people use food, some people use exercise and self-improvement and some people use new relationships. It doesn't mean he's "better off" or "doing better". Funny, I needed this same advice just yesterday and I ended up caving. He may be overposting on his social media to overcompensate for the gaping hole in his life. He may be trying to convince the world, trying to convince himself or he may even think he is much happier. This is what I've learned though-- a new fling is easy to find, love is hard to find. I think about how many people I dated and how few of them I loved. It's not easy to find someone who has the traits you want. He'll see eventually. Give it time. I won't give you the same advice everyone gives me about using this time to self-improve because at times I was lucky to even shower. I've booked me and my daughter's schedule so jam packed busy that I have less time to think. That does help I promise. Hang in there and use this board. It's a godsend.

[windingwings]

alr85 - Thank you, I love this board to death already and I feel at home here. It's weird, I'm thinking that when the time comes I will talk to him as a friend, there is a part of me hoping that we will find each other again if we talk one day, but at the same time my brain is telling me not to make myself seem pathetic. We had a lot in common, we both loved Batman, video games, comic books etc. There are a lot of stuff in his room to remind him of me, but to think that maybe he threw them away or he's too blinded by this new guy makes me ache. I still love him even though he hurt me. I will never find anybody like him and even though we had an ocean between us we always made it work, we slept together on Skype, it was enough to just hear each other breathing lol. Watched movies together on Skype.

There's just too much to forget for me, and I hope he still carries those memories too. Time will tell, once these 30 days are over and if he has contacted me within them I will say "Hi." after its all over, and if he ever brings it up I'll just say, "I want to just be friends." deep down though, I want us to work again and even better.

 

I'm also thinking about writing him a letter tonight, not to send to him but just to his soul. I feel like I have so much more to say but to tell him through text now would just be ineffective. So I'll keep it to myself.

[SSJlee28]

Im writing on this thread for a second round in my life haha. First round was two years ago, ex has now moved on and in with new bf. All good though.

 

This time around, I am mega confused. Been 7 days since then, she wanted time to figure herself out, and said couldn't make me happy. That I couldn't say anything to make it better. I left the convo and since then I have not contacted her at all. Interestingly... photos of me are still on her facebook, and instagram. Past few fights when we were verge of breaking up, we both deleted all of our photos.... For some reason, while she's active on both sites, my photos are still there. I had to get closure so i removed both accounts, and I gave in from time to time to check on her.... My photos still there. What in the world.

 

Does she want me to reach out to her? Even if she did, my heart isn't ready... I need time to heal first...

[windingwings]

So today is the start of the third day, still no contact. I know it's pretty early but I feel the need to check up on him, not texting but to look at his social media stuff. My friend said she saw that he tweeted that him and his new BF were watching a show together, possibly still spending the weekend together in a hotel or at a house. I told her to stop telling me this stuff.

So I still feel that this all real and maybe he was trying to get out of our relationship but just waiting for me to cave and end it. It saddens me because someone else is kissing him right now, being held by him, talking to him. I'm not sad enough to cry but sad enough to have trouble sleeping. I apply at college tomorrow to take a health care aide course, at the moment its a sliver of what I've been thinking about all day.

I just wish these 30 days would end so I could possibly move on, right now I do feel strong enough not to bother him which is good, but the fear that he isn't thinking about me at all is still egging me.

Hvae there been any success stories out of this thread? If so may I be directed to them?

[trying2bestrng]

Alr85,

 

I would have commented earlier but I needed to think about it first...

 

Of course he doesn't hate you.

 

Im no expert on any of this but I have a read a lot on how to get an ex back so I feel somewhat educated and it seems I can give advice to others better than listen to my own.

 

First of all it sounds like your first text was short and simple...that was good.

 

When I started reading about your second text I wish I was there to take your phone away!! I am not trying to make you feel bad, so please dont hate me for saying this but you panicked.

 

In the beginning of nc with my ex I did the same thing. I believe when he knew I missed him and was thinking of him he got a sense of relief and it set everything back a bit.

 

"Keep it simple". I say that cause it sounds like your second round of messages were lengthy. Perhaps a little overbearing since you haven't spoke in 20 days. I realize him not texting back was a form of rejection to you. I think he was probably absorbing your morning text still. I believe he would have returned your text. It may have taken a few more hours or perhaps a day but I really do think he would have.

 

I dont think you ruined any chance of him texting you again but if or when you send him a text ( or he does) again make sure it stays short and simple. Friendly and to the point. Remind him of a fun memory you had together by starting of the sentence with "remember when" . ....Just sound happy

 

Its hard, so hard when you are hurting. Not getting the timely response that you hoped for is a ego blow. Believe me panic would set if I took the chance to text in the first place. Even after 5 minutes of no response.

 

I think it takes men longer to feel a loss then women. I also believe if they know they have the power it takes longer. Im just basing this off my own experience. Im going to message you a site that helped me out big time. You may already have seen it but it really made the biggest difference when I started to follow it.

 

Please dont be offended by anything I have said. I am on your side and just want to help in anyway I can.

[alr85]

Trying-- I'm definitely not offended. I already knew those things before I sent the second one but I chose to send it anyways knowing the consequences. Even though most men would have eventually responded to the first one, my ex wouldn't have. He only responds when I ask questions because he doesn't want to seem like a jerk but they are short and to the point. I know I put too much emotion in the second text but they're things I needed him to hear. While his response wasn't ideal, I got to hear he doesn't hate me which I needed to hear.

[trying2bestrng]

I got the same short responses from my ex. I wanted to reach through the phone and break his neck! I think you trusted your instincts and said what you feel was needed to be said. Now, give it time and see what happens. No more self defeated talk. Its hard to not do that but assuming what he is feeling wont help. Dont give him any more of your power. You can do this and once you know that the more he will notice.

[alr85]

Honestly I think I'm done here. No more counting down the time. I'm using it as game play. I've read all of the ex boyfriend recovery techniques lol that's where the first text idea came from. But I can't keep pretending each day isn't a battle. Frankly I've lost him anyway. No point trying to prolong it

[trying2bestrng]

Good! Thats the first step. I understand what you're saying about being done here. I thought this forum was making me obsess too. I found support that was much needed in the end