THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[Kaytie]

I had to. Im the only one that answers the phone. Talked for 40 minutes. He said his girlfriend called him at 1am with a bunch of dudes in the background and is running from the cops and needed a place to hide out. He told her no way. So wow talk about drama..He wants to hangout this weekend and asked me to unblock him. I lied and said I am going out of town. This whole situation is making me a complete mess.

Of course it's making you a mess! You were just trying so hard to shift gears emotionally and let him go completely and then he calls. And holy drama indeed.

 

I think you need to hang up on him when he calls. That's the only way you're going to be able to heal properly and stick to NC.

[DreamySkies]

Trying - I would tell him to not contact you again. Seriously. He's going to keep doing this, keep you in his reach, but not give you what you truly need. He can't give you what you need right now. He needs to fix himself before he can give you what you deserve.

 

Alr85 - My son didn't respect my ex either. Ex would call him out on this to me and I'd make an excuse and tell him he's still getting use to it. The truth is, my son didn't. He also didn't look at my son with fondness, more as a chore. A chore that even though we lived together I still assumed 100% responsibility over. I went out with a guy last night and his daughter and my son. Perhaps it's because he has a kid he's different, but he picked up the entire bill. My ex would never do that. We always split the check and I usually tipped out because of my sons portion. It always rubbed me wrong. It's not about the money part either, it's about the thought. Even when my ex and I would go on a date or out with friends, we'd split the bill. I'm totally fine with the splitting. Yet I'd come home and pay the sitter. I know he viewed it as my responsibility and that's fine, but again a simple act of generosity every now and then would have been nice. Just as this guy buying dinner for us all.

 

I never wanted to date a guy with kids. Not because I didn't want their baggage, but because I am so afraid of favorites due to biology etc. Plus, I really don't want anymore children to raise. Maybe I should rethink this, because it's appearing that most men with kids are a lot less selfish, and a heck of a lot more understanding to the antics of kids. Plus the dinner with two kids seems a lot more fun for both parties than when it's mine only.

 

I don't know... my head is all over the place this morning. Thankfully the ex has NOT contacted me. I'm sure he's sleeping off his week of drinking between the weekend gigs and his trip to Vegas. I bet he feels like right now. I'm glad I'm not living with him. I'm so glad I don't have to watch him do this to himself. I'm glad that I don't have to look like an overbearing girlfriend who is nagging when I try and tell him to please stop drinking so much. Not my problem anymore. I just need to stay strong and remember the feelings and love and emotions will never be the same if we ever reunited. I deserve so much more.

[trying2bestrng]

I agree! This is just messing with my head. I need some time to think. Im going to keep his number blocked and ride out this weekend and just reflect.

 

He mentioned that he accidentally left his house key at his work and had to break a window to get in his house last night.. then checked his mail and seen I mailed his key back. Hahahaha! Thats his luck.

[DreamySkies]

Today has continued to be rough. Work is slow, so that definitely does not help matters. From the moment I woke up and throughout the day I have continued to think about him. It's annoying, because deep down I know I do not want him to do so. There's just this bit of me that wants the power (ball in my court) knowing that he has tried again. Maybe I am being immature and want him to feel an ounce of the pain and hurt he put me through, but revenge is so childish. It's pointless, as his desire is none to get back with me and even still he has so much to work on before I'd even consider it. So why then am I so preoccupied with thoughts of him and what he may or may not be doing today... I feel so weak. Not nearly weak enough to reach out myself, but it is a feeling I haven't felt in a bit and now I've felt it for the past two days.

 

I have wonderful plans tonight with (new) friends, a 'Spring Equinox Dinner and Drinks' at my friends house that overlooks the city line and bay. I love it there and they're great people I am becoming friends with. I have tentative plans with a guy (the guy from last night with the daughter) tomorrow which I know will be fun. I think I can actually consider it a date this time? He makes me smile but I don't really feel any sparks. Perhaps some one on one time will lead to a different opinion. Unfortunately, it's not a guy I've had my eyes on though and who I feel so much chemistry with and who has been quite the distraction lately. So perhaps that too is making any connection difficult? I have so much in common with the later and when we've hung out there has been absolutely NO lack of conversation and laughing.

 

That said, I find comfort in knowing that the other isn't so actively engaged in me and seems to be doing this slow and steady route, because I know I am NOT ready to be in a committed relationship yet and perhaps he's just keen enough to sense that. Something to be admired. It feels weird to type this out, because there is still a part of me that feels guilty or as if I am being unfaithful to my ex. It's redonkulous that I still have those feelings. He threw me away. Just the past week or two alone it's been so nice to feel wanted. Not just with other men, but in general. To have these new friendships I am making ask for my company and invite me out. It feels nice. They're MY friends. My best friend happens to be a guy, and he keeps beating into my head to stay single and really take this time to focus on what I want in life and in future relationships. He calls me a serial monogamous, and wants me to desperately get out there and see / enjoy life without commitments. I have no opposition to this, I'm just trying to keep a fine line between keeping myself busy and distracted and dating. It's hard to make girl friends... I keep joking that I wish there was an app out there where you could just meet girls who are also looking for friends. Maybe I should try one of those meetup sites... hmmm

[js0905]

Day 55 and going to try dating again.

We'll see how it goes, have tried it on and off but I just felt numb.

 

Want to feel some type of interest again in someone.

It doesn't matter how good looking and/or sweet they were...

I always ended up wishing it was him instead.

[alr85]

Day 10- This is a new kind of pain and it's not as excruciating but it's slow, steady and constant. I guess I thought he would have contacted me by now. I thought things would get easier as time went on. I can sit here and tell all of you the things I hate about him yet shout in the same breath that I miss him and our life together. Confused and sad. What the h?

[exbackpro]

This is an awesome idea! I wish I had found this forum right after my divorce as I was making No Contact a strong point to hold myself too. The accountability and support would have been awesome!

 

I never talk to my ex at all now, so this is not something I need to participate in. Just wanted to show support!

 

GOOD LUCK ALL!!

[trying2bestrng]

link removed

 

A few facebook pages I love. Very inspirational. It seems everytime I need a boost this guy does it. Check it out.

[trying2bestrng]

link removed

 

One more. I love this one too

[trying2bestrng]

I hate these mixed emotions. I know what I need to do but im having a hard time convincing myself all the way. I want to meet up with him and just see how we interact with each other. The last time I seen him he was with his girlfriend. He didn't pay any attention to her but it still hurt. I cant stop thinking that the only reason he is coming back around is because things are not going good for him.

 

I work today and I may call and just see how his weekend went. So basically see if he made up with his girlfriend since I didn't give him my time. If that's the case then I will know... and I no longer need to have mixed emotions. I will be done and can start to heal...no more what if's...

[alr85]

Day 13 NC. Feeling sad.

[trying2bestrng]

I spoke to him and he wanted to hang out, but It would mean I had to hurt the guy I am seeing now. I realized at that moment that it was breaking his heart. I didn't tell him what I was going to do but...he knew. He knew something was wrong. He confessed his love for me and my kids. He said he said that if I sent him home that it would be over with us. He was in a complete stage of panic. He spilled his guts and then some. He has always fought for me even though he knows I still have feelings for my ex. That is why he has tried so hard with me. He knew he had to try harder then ever to win me over and show me he is the better man. I cant hurt him like that. He has been so good to me and my kids. I know leaving him for my ex would be a huge mistake. I would regret it. I kinda always knew that in my heart this whole time. Now that I have that opportunity everything has changed. I have the chance to try again with my ex but it would mean breaking a wonderful mans heart. I dont want him feeling that way. He doesn't deserve it and I dont deserve the way my ex would eventually treat me.

 

I go back to that quote in my head " if you love him set him free, if he comes back it was meant to be" maybe it was meant to be but getting a glimpes of my ex being drunk i believe was God saying, I will give you what you want but there will be a price.... In a previous post I mentioned seeing the number 1111 a lot. I said it was a lie and i stopped believing in it....I have seen it everywhere lately. Even when I go to the store my purchase came to 11.11. Ive looked and have seen it 4 times on the clock this weekend. Im a believer again. I wish I knew exactly what the angels are trying to tell me.

 

At this moment I need to do what's best for me. I cant break another mans heart and risk total regret. I dont want the karma that could bring to me. Its over and I need to get on with my life and see where things go. I need to have the courage to move forward.... not back.

[danman794]

Day 9-I sat near her today and it was somewhat hard to focus. She was uncharacteristically early to class which threw me off and made it awkward. We didn't talk. I plan on sitting very far away next time. Working out has helped me more than I ever thought it could and I feel better everyday. Had a problem dwelling on her for a bit today but it didn't last long. I am having an easier time studying and focusing and hope I can continue this trend. Hopefully I keep having good days and start playing the game this weekend, can you say party time?

[danman794]

Day 9-Haven't talked to her but I saw her FB and clicked on it in a moment of weakness. Didn't feel sad, to be honest I'm not sure how I felt, used to be my best friend. Feel weird not having interacted with her for so long.

[alr85]

Day 14-- Can't believe it's been 2 weeks. Some days it feels like the blink of an eye. Some days it feels like it's been years. Weekends are hardest. Today hasn't been so bad. It still aches when I think of him. I do miss him. I want him to miss me I need some of the value given back to what we had together.

 

Trying-- I'm really impressed with your thought process. You're doing the right thing.

[user1988]

Today is one of those NC days where I feel up instead of down so I'm really just enjoying it. I've been reading a lot of books on the subject, and learning to cope. But today I have not thought about getting back together, have not been sad at all so I'm really just enjoying myself bc I don't know how long it's going to last until I feel like poo again. But one of the lines I read today from "It's called a break up because it's broken" is that I don't necessarily fear losing him but I fear the future and going out of routine. It's up to me how I feel, it shouldn't matter what he's doing or who he's doing because he didn't respect my feelings, he placed his own needs above mine even after I told him it was hard for me to cope and what did he do? He ignored it claiming he doesn't have time, and I know he has time because he can update instagram, he can play words with friends and all that. I will not shed a tear for someone who does not care about my well being. He threw me away like a piece of rubbish for everything else in his life, because I was placed at the very bottom.

 

 

Okay rant over!

[FreelyPB]

Day 1 -- I'm happy to have stumbled upon this thread. I'm a year and a half into a relationship that just isn't working for me. My head is ready to move on but my heart isn't. I've attempted many times but always give in, so does he. I believe he cares for me but because I've never put my foot down the issues I've expressed to him he's yet to address. The hard part of this all is that we work together. I love him dearly but I have to stand up for me and trust that what I desire is out there waiting on me I just have to move on from him first. So here goes to NC for 30 days. I'm feeling confident. Wish me luck!

[trying2bestrng]

My EX sent me a text yesterday and wants to meet up for a quick drink this weekend. I have to admit I would love to see and give him a hug. Even after we broke up we spoke on a daily basis, but it did get less and less each day and turned into a weekly text. On the other hand...Just the smell of him might drive me over the edge or just feeling his touch. He is 11 inches taller then me (there is that number 11 again), I feel little around him but totally protected. I have always felt safe around him. Even when we fought really bad he never raised a hand to me, always gentle but, his words would cut like a knife.

 

It just seems when I feel I can move forward something sets me back. I just know when I see him it will emotionally kill me. He had an obsession with my hair. He couldn't help himself from touching it. Even when I seen him with his girlfriend at the bar, you could tell when he got close to me, he wanted to reach out and touch it or just touch me. He stopped himself of course but, the urge was strong on both our parts. We are magnetic... and I just think seeing him would send us straight to the bedroom (if we made it that far). I am sure this is too much information for some people but I just want to give an understanding of how it is/was with us.

 

I just don't think I will ever have the strength around him. Its like I am Superman and he is Kryptonite and the further away I get.. the better. (I know cheesy)

 

So a drink is out of the question!!! Good Lord, will this ever get easier!!!!

[DreamySkies]

Go with your guy, Trying. Please. Please be strong and listen to your gut. You have someone who enjoys you, loves you and your kids. He is already fighting for you now, despite the conflict that appears between you and the ex. That shows his love and devotion. Most men I know of wouldn't stand for that, nor would I stand for that in a guy. I think he's been extremely generous to be by your side and ride these waves with you. I think it would be a horrible thing to break up with him just to get back with your ex. If you need to break up with him because you want your space and time to heal, then by all means. But if it's to get out of this saddle and into the ex saddle, it'll be horrible for you. Trust your gut. Please.

 

alr85 I'm sorry you're sad. The initial 30 days of contact was so horrible for me. I had a journal at work where I'd spend hours some days writing in it. I was a mess. It does get easier. I promise.

 

Well, we talked on Saturday. It wasn't a horrible conversation. I didn't feel any different than I had prior to him calling. Yesterday, I made the mistake of sending him a song through spotify. It's called "Poison and Wine" by the CivilWars. It's a really good song, if anyone cares to listen to it. Anyway, it's about going back and forth with lyrics like "I don't love you, I always will" or "Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine" with a guy and girl singing. To me it's the story of knowing that two are not meant to be but that the love has been chosen for them and it's out of their hands now. Sort like we can't help who we love, but we have to train/teach ourselves to stop loving. He responded and we had some small talk. I sent him some pictures of my dog and he sent me one of his. Even writing that out, "his dog", hurts. She was mine too. Anyway then the topic shifted to him growing out his beard. Curious, I sent him recent photos of me. He responded with "Mother of Chris you're super skinny!" and that he'd have to send one later as he didn't think taking selfies in the office would go over well.

 

I am skinny. I've lost nearly 25lbs since we broke up. I'm not still losing, now I'm maintaining though. I wasn't overweight but I was definitely curvy when we were together. He ended up sending a picture later that evening, at 9pm. Earlier I joked with him when he said he'd send one later on, to make it a duck face picture. Just trying to throw some humor in to how already awkward the request/exchange had been. Later that night he sent a picture of Ava with her big Boston eyes staring up at him and there he was with his "duck face"..... every curve, every wrinkle, every line was exactly where I remembered it. Other than a longer beard than normal, it's as if I never stopped remembering everything about his face. Even his lips... looked exactly how I remembered both in sight and touch. He was such an amazing kisser. It was the first time in over two months that I had seen him. Sure I have our photos, but this was a fresh/current "him".

 

Then I looked at his eyes... and while they were the beautiful eyes that I could stare into forever... there was something new in them. Sadness. They looked broken. I didn't know what to respond with. I didn't want to say something stupid like "oh the beard is longer". Yet I wanted to acknowledge how kind it was of him to comply with my request... To me, someone who doesn't care, isn't going to send you a duck face picture with their dog, as a grown ass man, just for s and giggles. Well, maybe. Not him though. So I was thrown back by this... because even if he was extremely hurt for everything I did and didn't do in our relationship.... he was doing this for me. Yet, I didn't want to give him false hope or if he wasn't doing this for all the reasons it appeared, I didn't want to make myself look pathetic.

 

I finally responded with a simple "thank you so very much". two hours later. To let him take those words how he wants. I wish on so many levels I could have a part of me that wanted to take the risk and be with him and try again, even if I have to dance until we find our groove. But I know in my heart this isn't going to work. I need to keep hurting so that I can heal. Knowing this truth is starting to be more painful than the pain of missing him and our breakup.

[trying2bestrng]

Dreamy, Your story hurts my heart. This is all just sad as hell. I really hate that saying "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger". HA, No it hurts the same every time. What it should say is, "over time you get stronger". Although "time" stands still when you hurt.

 

I knew he cared about you. Not just because of his own selfish reasons but because he truly is fond of you. Dealing with a broken relationship is not easy for both parties involved....I want you to be happy!!

[DreamySkies]

Dreamy, Your story hurts my heart. This is all just sad as hell. I really hate that saying "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger". HA, No it hurts the same every time. What it should say is, "over time you get stronger". Although "time" stands still when you hurt.

 

I knew he cared about you. Not just because of his own selfish reasons but because he truly is fond of you. Dealing with a broken relationship is not easy for both parties involved....I want you to be happy!!

 

 

Time does stand still when you hurt. This day has proven that once more for me.

 

I think as much as I trusted my gut and my strength, that I could maintain a distance and light contact. This contact with him is just too much. I went a week in between contact the first time... then two days, and now most recently barely 24 hours. We had additional exchanges today through text. I'm falling into a bad place with this communication. I don't want to lose control even more so I feel like all I can do is request NC or at least adhere to it on my own part.

 

He sent the following two messages today after I broke down and asked him to bring over "his" dog. Even as I sent it I regretted it but seeing the dog and him yesterday really messed me up. It made me weak. "Ah - I have stuff going on every evening this week. Would you feel up to a dog beach trip this weekend?" I responded that it was a silly idea for me to even ask but that I appreciated him even considering it. "I understand. Well I'm around this weekend if you'd like me to bring her by." Followed by another one a few minutes later "I don't think it was a stupid decision to see me or Ava one more time. Would love to see you at some point this weekend or another evening next week, even if it's just to say goodbye." Lastly he sent one more "I'll leave that decision up to you, but I do hope this isn't the last time we talk."

 

How do I know what is real? Not just breadcrumbs? Why do I sit and tell my counselor how great I am doing and how sure I am that he isn't the one for me. Yet now simple texts send me spiraling. Why can't his texts and calls or emails be that he wishes to be back with me. Why can't he apologize for anything or admit he was wrong or even that he'd like to make changes? Why do I have to respect myself so much right now, when I know this is the MOST he has given me yet since that horrible breakup day. He was the nicest guy to me for such a long time. It's when I miss and hurt the most that I think about this kindness and love and devotion. Yet I can't deny how wrong it was. The walking on egg shells the pit in my stomach, the arguing. Nor how hard the breakup was and the fear that sits in my gut that it means he could do it any other time just as easily.

 

I need to stay strong. I deserve to be happy. I do.

[alr85]

Day 15-- made it. Was so sure 2 weeks ago that he would have realized his mistake and contacted me again after believing I'd moved on. I was wrong. Maybe he is more emotionally stable than I thought and truly believed it when he said we have nothing in common and it didn't feel right anymore. I know for sure he was right, I'm just surprised he's strong enough to stand by his convictions. I guess that could mean he didn't love me as much as I thought he did and that's all the more reason I need to keep moving forward.

 

Trying-- I'm really gunning for you to stand by your new man. I agree with Dreamy in that he's truly into you and it doesn't seem you'll ever have to wonder if he's 100% by your side.

 

Dreamy-- Obviously we don't know this man but from what you've written he seems genuine. I don't want you to jump in with both feet but I'm with you in that he wouldn't have sent you such a silly picture of himself if he didn't think it would make you laugh. I've reread some of your past posts and I don't think he's as abhorable as I initially imagined. Whatever you choose, I support you.. and congrats on your NC (possible) success.

[trying2bestrng]

Dreamy,

Sometimes we have to make the same mistake twice before we realize it was a bad idea. It can be different the 2nd time around but for how long? Can it last and be totally different? Not likely but you never know. I am trying my hardest not to make the same mistake.

If you see him this weekend...take it slow. Sounds like you have a lot of " what if's"

 

You can suppress your feelings but will they ever be resolved in your own mind?

I may be giving you horrible advice but I know what you're going through and these are questions in my own head.

[trying2bestrng]

If I was in a different position and I knew I wouldnt break an amazing guys heart. I would try again and take it slow. Im a sucker though

[alr85]

I'm a sucker too Trying My advice probably shouldn't be heeded. If I knew what I was talking about I wouldnt be in the emotional pickle I'm in.