POST breakup advice...long story

[zippitt]

I am making this post in an attempt to stop others from making the same mistakes, but how often do really actually listen? For what it's worth, do not do what I have done. I met this girl through my brother, we will call her Jill. Well Jill was much younger than I, by 8 years...she was 15 at the time and I was 23. I didn't have any interest in her for two reasons, I had low self esteem, why would anyone be interested in me? Second she was obviously way too young. So life moves on, well 2 years down the road I went to a small get-together, 3 guys and 3 girls, Jill was one of those girls. We all got a little tipsy, but of course one didn't drink and in turn was the designated driver. Nothing much happened that night, Jill and I flirted back and forth until we dropped her off, I thought little of it...again because of the age. About a year later Jill starts working at the gym were I work out. She flirts a little, me being somewhat shy and self conscious didn't pick up on it...this goes on for months. In the meantime I date on and off, but meet no one of real interest. I start getting to the point where I am feeling depressed because I have weeded through my options. No real prospects for a mate.

 

(Problem #1) I didn't see it then but my first problem is that I feel so lonely, I spend too much time looking and thinking for that special someone when I am not even happy with myself.

 

Shortly after getting bummed out, I get laid off from my job where I had put in 4 good years. I get 3 months severance, that 3 months off paid. When I came home from the last day of work I was numb, I am sure I was depressed but didn't know it at the time.

 

(Problem #2) I didn't know what to do with myself, instead of looking for a new job I just sat around playing video games, watching TV, while hardly going to the gym. Hell I barely even went out. I was so lonely at home with all that time. So what did I do, I asked out Jill from the gym. At this point I knew without a doubt she liked me, she was also 18 at the time so I figured what the heck. This girl was beautiful, a tall, blonde hair, blue eyed babe who people said looked like a model.

 

(Problem #3) Our relationship started out totally sexual, we didn't even get to know each other that well. This girl was so into me, I was stunned, things just seemed so passionate, I felt like I couldn't fail with her. It wasn't long before we started to get to know each other because of all the time we spent.

 

(Problem #4) I said I loved her after about 5 months, I thought I did then, she thought she loved me in return. I was actually still depressed the whole time I was with her, I was always looking at other girls wondering if I was missing something. I tried to use her to fill my void. I didn't treat her well when she was with me, but as soon as she was gone at the end of the day I couldn't be without her...I was just so lonely and depressed. When you're unhappy like this, DO NOT get involved in a relationship.

 

(Problem #5) She was insecure too and still too young. She had family problems growing up, abuse in the family. I might have treated her badly but she was not always nice to me either. Finally she could take no more of me, we both knew it wasn't going to last. The relationship was at its end, she dumped me. I broke down like a child, sobbing...couldn't get a word out to her. I felt stupid, sure men can cry, but not like this. I felt so weak, I certainly did not feel like a man. I would have been ashamed for anyone to see me like that. The worst thing was I did it all in front of her, I never begged her though...I can at least feel good about that. About a week later I had seriously thought about our relationship and all the reasons she didn't want to be with me anymore. I got nutty, crazy...I was desperate to see if we couldn't work it out. I waited for her at an intersection she crosses after school lets out. I couldn't believe what I was doing, I was pretty much acting like a stalker. I was able to stop her and talk it out with Jill. We sat at a park as I calmly told her, (gave examples of the bad things I did) and explained to her that I understand why she acted the way she did to those bad things. In the end she seemed relieved, so we hugged and went our separate ways.

 

(Problem #6) Jumping back into a bad situation. She called me after our discussion, but I was out talking to some friends. When I got home I found the message and immediately called her back thinking everything was okay. Things were very weird, she wanted to be dating, but not. She wasn't sure what she wanted. We started having sex again, big mistake.

Eventually I knew I had to end it, so I then broke it off with her. I was strong at this point, I knew what had to be done no matter how much it hurt. I spent the next day dealing with the loss, then out of the blue I get an email from Jill. She is telling how much she misses me, how she really feels about me. I thought I was doing well until I read the email, it tore me up. So I had to talk to her again. Things seemed okay, I treated her well...I actually learned from my past mistakes.

 

(Problem #7) Too little too late. The damage had already been done. I tried to make up for all of the bad as fast I possibly could. I smothered her, she started to distance herself from me. A downward spiral, the less I saw of her the more depressed and lonely I became. It made me push to get her back, all it did was make her run faster. Finally we separated for the last time, this was two months ago.

 

(Problem #8) Don't listen to the grapevine. In the two months of what is supposed to be the healing process I talked to one of her old friends, Kelly. I vented on Kelly about my ex Jill. Mostly because I heard some crap my ex Jill had said about me. I said things I should have left to myself, in retaliation of my ex of course. I was angry at the world, and even talked crap about my brother. I was a sorry piece of #@%@, shady, despicable person. I am now ashamed of what I have done. I was doing well in the last month being friends with my ex, we were doing good...so good we never even got along that well together in our 1 year relationship. Well those bad things I told Kelly about my ex and brother got back to at least my brother. He confronted me, my brother lost trust in me and I am so hurting because of it. I am almost 100% positive my ex also heard about what I have said because she recently cut all contact with me.

 

There is so much more to the story, but what is important is to try to avoid making these mistakes. First and foremost, be happy with who you are and the life you lead. Second, when you're hurt respect yourself. Distance yourself from those that hurt you. Always respect other people, get to know someone before you second guess or judge them. Never let anger get the better of you, you're better than that. Do not succumb to revenge, it just makes you as bad of those that have done you wrong. Lastly, if you suffer from depression, get help! I think it's finally time I see someone about a problem I have only realized. Sorry for the long story, it helped me to get it out at least.

[dp]

Hey, i'm really glad you got to get out this story... I could relate to some of the problems and reading it brought up something I have been thinking about:

 

My current g/f and I have been on and off for a while. It pretty much got to where she would tell me that she wanted to be "best friends" and keep our close relationship, just omit the boy/girlfriend title and the romance. I sort of took this hard at first. Mainly because I constantly thought she just didn't find me attractive anymore or that she wanted to be with someone else sexually. But I began to realize that she is really someone I want to know forever, and maybe a friendship would help me hold on to this relationship longer. So after the last time we broke it off (after about 3 times before that), we remained great friends, constantly hanging out and talking. Then one night she is "joking" around about having sex and when she comes over, we end up doing it. From there, we continued the hanging out and talking and feeling great with each other, as well as the sex. The only thing different from our past relationship was that we weren't having any problems and we didn't have the title...

 

I began to really wonder why she did this... I remembered that when we would be at school together, she would love holding my hand, and giving me kisses, but in moderation... which is understandable, BUT... one day a guy "friend" of hers came walking down the hall while we were holding hands..and she let go of my hand and continued to talk, as he passed, trying to play off the fact that she let go of my hand. I brought it up with her then, but jokingly and she sort of just replied that it would be "weird" with him seeing or something. (might I add this is a guy that wrote her a note saying he wanted to date her which she turned down)

 

I then started thinking "wow so this is why she wanted to break it off"... the thing is, she never persued him or any other guy. She always wanted to spend time with me and have this really close relationship we have.

 

Last week was Spring Break and we spent every day and just about every night together. It was so great and I know she enjoyed it just as much. We did have sex quite a bit, but during the middle of the week, she started hinting around that she wanted to begin dating again. I sort of took it as trouble, like the only reason to give ourselves that title would be so it can once again be destroyed, but the next night I really felt strongly for her and she asked me out, I agreed...

 

What got me thinking about this was that you noted in your story that you having sex with Jill was a big mistake when you two were friends.

Do you believe that us having sex while being friends might have been a mistake, or could it possibly show that this relationship, no matter how much I think I feel for her and I think she feels for me, could be just sexually based?

 

When we first started out, we were in no rush at all to have sex. In fact, we sort of got "sexed-out" over Spring Break and said we should give it a rest for a little bit (well at least I said that, she agreed). We can talk like crazy and she and I are so comfortable around each other. If there were no sex, I really wouldn't have a problem, just i'd be too afraid she'd go elsewhere to satisfy her needs...

 

whats your take on this? (or anyone elses)