Thinking About Breaking NC - Stop Me!

[InRecovery]

I woke up pretty sad today - day 14 of NC. I miss her terribly and had another dream about her. I want to initiate some contact and force her to work on our relationship. In any case I have written out an email ... I know I shouldn't send it ... but I really want to. I just need to be told not to send it and why not.

 

Here's the email.

 

As part of the rebuilding its important for me to take accountability in hindisght for the wrongs so I can avoid making the same ones in the future, avoid putting myself in this position ever again.

 

Things I’ve done wrong

• Use people to enhance my story. I didn’t realise how manipulative this could be, at the time it was just to add weight to my concerns but was unfair

• Invade privacy. I practically got my mate to look at your facebook to see the pictures. I knew you’d blocked me from some because facebook shows how many pictures you have, but then a different number where available to me to view (I checked to see if you put the pictures up that you took down)

• Used our relationship to feel other voids in my life (job/ time mainly)

• Wasn’t there when you needed me – not intentionally, I’d have done anything for you

• Let my emotions dictate my behaviour, couldn’t dettach myself from the situation when the argument happened

• Read to much into your behaviour when there was nothing to read into

• Tried to convince you not to leave me – I should have had more respect for both of us then that. You should never have to convince someone to be with you.

• Sent those pictures. That was just stupid, especially since I had been warned it could be seen as a manipulative act but because it was never my intention I ignored that.

• Broached the subject of money in an emotional tone.

• Sent long mails designed to get a reaction, though I wasn’t trying t manipulate a designed reaction just to find some form of understanding or closure

• Used my pain as an excuse to get overly emotional and unload on you at times

 

Things I Think Were Overblown

• My issues with my own race. I think if anything its the opposite. I’m aware of my background and it has never influenced who I am because its such a non issue.

• My sulking. I don’t think for the most part I sulked – I didn’t dwell on problems I talked about them straight away in order to solve them. I recognise at times I did but I think so did you ... it’s natural.

• Walking on egg shells. I’m sure at times you did, and it was influenced by my past needy behaviour but this was something I was correcting and was always going to take time for me to completely show you this. While you were at your mums I may have been quieter but I wasn’t sulking.

• Me being a typical Arab man. I was very much not a traditional man in the relationship and for the most part was more supportive then demanding, and when I was demanding I acknowledged my flaws and made a conscious effort to change. I was never set in my ways or stubborn, and accepted my flaws as stuff I needed to work on.

• Passive aggressive behaviour. I read up on this and while I do share some traits (as do you) by and large my behaviour wouldn’t be charactertised as PA.

• Different values. To be honest I don’t even know how we have different values – I don’t know if this comment was just in regards to socialism or what not.

• Immaturity. While its true I have growing up to do, I think we both do (as displayed by how we reacted to tension). I don’t know if this is immaturity or just growing pains/ boundaries but I don’t think we ever stop growing up.

• Trusting me not to cheat or leave you in the future – I could never have turned my back on you ... you mean too much to me and I’ve never done anything to you that should have made you feel I wouldn’t always make myself available to you

 

I’m such a tool and doing more harm then good by sending this. I guess I’m trying to initiate some contact, hoping that some doubts are in your mind and praying on them so that some time in the future you think you made a mistake and are willing to try and reconnect.

 

In any case I know that’s not going to happen now and in the future its at best a long shot. I am going travelling on March 31st for a couple of months so hopefully the experience will speed up my growth as a person for my sake and I’l l come back with a more positive attitude regarding myself. If nothing else you won’t have to worry about me getting in contact again or bumping into me if you’re in London.

 

I still have some issues with some of the things you said and the way you said them. There’s still a lot of pain associated with you for me, but I probably foolishly have been unable to let go of the love. I don’t know if it could work out us giving it a go in the future or if too much has happened ... in any case I can still remember the way you made me feel and I can’t let go of the way I thought I made you feel just yet as much as I try.

 

I don’t know if I want a response. I think I do but I know its not going to be the one I want. I can only assume you’re much further along the moving along process then me, perhaps you’re at a mental stage where you can meet someone. I don’t really know – I feel very removed from your life but you’re still a big part of mine in terms of my thought process. I haven’t been checking your myspace or facebook or used anyone to check up on you – I did reinstall MSN for 4 days (to go over a planned trip with people from Leicester) but uninstalled it once the details were confirmed since even though its a public tool I think part of me was hoping it would help initiate some contact between us and thats something that can’t be forced.

 

Maybe this is forcing it a bit. I guess its just that since I’ve booked my ticket to Australia this is the only doubt I have in my mind as to whether I’m making the right decision. I’m scared about going to Australia but I’m still in a bad place and not ready quite yet to make the moves I need to, to get what I want in my life in terms of replacing what I thought we were going to share (house, job, life).

 

Anyways, rambling a bit ... I don’t think I’ll end up sending this, but I miss you. And I hope you’re happy. Its hard for me to say that but I have only ever wanted to make you happy, and its just a shame I can no longer do that.

[tulipsfav]

This is a really nice email that you have put together. You have put a lot of thoughts and feelings into it. In my opinion i wouldnt send if, if you read my last thread it will give you an idea why. Try to be strong, i wish i could have been. Being in contact only causes more pain.You seem to be a very intelligent person, go to Australia and enjoy it. You need space to think things over in your mind.You will meet so many new people. Hope this helps.

 

Good Luck

[InRecovery]

Thanks it does.

 

I want to go to Australia, but I want to be with her more.

 

I don't want to give her an ultimatum. I don't want to annoy her now. But I'm scared about this trip and I guess I want her to stop me going, because there's no other reason not to go.

 

I am looking at the flight now and don't know whether to book it now, or try to talk to her first. But then I'm just giving her the power again. And it won't make her want me. It won't change anything. I know this. So why do I want to get in touch.

[hockeyboy]

I know I shouldn't send it

 

Good.

 

There's no way you should send this. It will accomplish nothing but making you look needy.

 

Go on your travels, experience that and call her when you get back if you really want to (not with information like in this letter). However, I'd tend to think that by then you won't want to so much and if you do, you won't have this frame of mind.

[tulipsfav]

You miss her so much, being with her, chatting, laughing. That is why you want to get in touch with her. It is so hard to do the no contact thing. I spend my time thinking about my ex, who is he with, what is he doing. I know i am torturing myself, i feel that if he could be totally upfront and honest with me then i can move on. Maybe this is what you need also.Dont let her influence your decision with Australia, it will also give her time to think things over in her head. You need to spend time with yourself although that is easier said than done. How many people are you going to Australia with? Do you think they will be a good support network for you?

[InRecovery]

Well the plan is to go on my own and meet people there, I've had a few friends do it before and suggested it to me.

 

I just worry I'm running away from things ... but then there isn't really anything to run away from, since she doesn't want me in her life.

 

Such a confusing period of my life. I expected to be living with her now and instead I'm planning on leaving the country. I just struggle getting my head round things at times.

 

My life just feels out of control.

[tulipsfav]

I know its awful to feel that your life is out of control, but you are doing a very positive thing by going away, this will open so many doors for you. You are not running away, you have taken the first step to try and get on with your life. I wish my ex could open up the way you have by writing this email. Did you book your ticket?

[InRecovery]

Thanks. I haven't booked the ticket yet. I don't own a credit card and they only accept credit cards for some reason so Ihave to wait until tomorrow so a friend can let me use theres.

 

I'll be leaving 2 weeks today. I know that booking the ticket is kind of giving up on any hope of reconciliation and it just broke me down in a new way. But its what I have to do.

[tulipsfav]

Look at it as a life experiece, you are very brave going to a different country. Do you feel any better today?

[InRecovery]

Not feeling great today. The whole finality of the situation, that its come to this ... is getting me down.

 

I keep expecting her to get in contact. But I know she won't. I want her to stop me. But she doesn't even know, and telling her would be trying to manipulate a reaction.

 

March 30th is the date. 2 months away ... everyone says it will be good for me, but I just miss her so much. I just want to be with her.