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i dont know what to do, my girlfriend wont touch me.

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Okay for starters, i know that relationships are not based soulfully on sex, yet i do feel that sex is important in a relationship.

I've been going out with my girlfriend for over a year now, and she will not touch me. When i try to kiss her she starts laughing or pushes me off of her. 90% of the time, when i try to make a move on her, she stops me. It makes me feel inadequite. I don't know what to do anymore. The only time she lets me kiss her, is when i am inside her. She has only let me go down on her for the second time two weeks ago. I am very much attracted to her, and she has told me that she is attracted to me, however, it makes me wonder if it is really true since she will not touch me, not under any circumstance.

I have taken people's advice and tried talking to her about it. It gets me no where. I dont want to pressure her into doing anything but at the same time, i kind of do because it isnt going anywhere.

I have never had a problem like this before. I have never had anyone that i have been romantically entangled with, not try to make a move on me.

I'm not saying i want her to jump on me out of me 24 hours a day. i would just like to know that she is attracted to me. she has never told me i look attractive or that she wants to touch me.

i know she has gone through alot as a child, and i have tried to get her to work through it because it is hindering her, but she refuses, saying "it doesnt bother me and i am fine."

i dont know what to do. i am at the end of my ropes.

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you mentioned something happened to her as a child. Could her inability to be physical with you stem from a shame about her body, or sex? Maybe she feels very vulnerable when intimate, and cannot let her guard down. Even tho she says she is fine, if there is sexual abuse in her past, that could definitely be blocking her ability to have an active sex life with you. Also, do you know for sure she is lesbian? i had a friend that had a girlfriend who really wasnt sure she wanted to be with another woman, and it created alot of problems between them.

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yeah, she was sexually abused quite a bit as a child and she refuses to work through it. she has let me have sex with her many times. she just really doesnt kiss, do foreplay, or touch me whatsoever.... i have wondered about her sexuality but she says she is gay. she has been dating women and only women for 5 years now. and has really never had sex with any of them. now mind you when i say never has sex, i mean they do her but she wont do them...

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yes and no.... i have heard like 50 different reasons when she doesnt shut down.

i have heard it is because of my sexual abuse, i have heard im afraid ill be bad, ive heard i dont know what to do, ive heard my ex said i was bad, im tired, what if im bad and you break up with me, why is it such a big deal to you, i was going to but you brought it up and i was afraid youd think that was the only reason i did it... etc

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you need to tell her that she has to work through it. you said that she lets You have sex with her...so i'm assuming that the sexual abuse from the past doesn't put to much a role on this problem. but if she was forced to touch other ppl,that may cause a problem for now. but if you two really care for each other....it should be brought up and talked about how you feel inadequate when she doesn't want to touch you...sex isnt the main part of relationships,but it is a very intimate...thing that bonds two ppl together... just you get to know the person more,so yeah. Let her know how important it is to you that ya'll work through it.

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another question, and please dont take offense to this, but my friend had a similar situation with her partner, and when her gf was asked about not reciprocating, she indicated that she felt more like the 'woman' in the relationship, and her partner as the 'man'. could your gf possibly be thinking that? Thinking that you dont need the physical attention/affection? or perhaps she is selfish...like to receive, but not give...has she ever verbilized that she is not comfortable with some of the sexual activities you wish to engage in?

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no, i dont find it offensive whatsoever. she has never said she felt like that per se. she basically just verbalizes that she is afraid to. then she says she is going to work on it and never does. i am the dominant figure in the relationship, and more masculine than she is, though. she expects me to do everything for her in almost every sense, and i am willing to. unfortunately, she does not show me it back. i dont view her as selfish, more as though she doesnt seem to understand how the world works. how you need to give and receive. she views the world as it should give to her, and if i bring these subjects up she either gets extremely defensive or horribly depressed as if i am attacking her or trying to tear her down. i would never do either. idk, she is extremely emotionally immature.

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sounds more like a not gay situation to me but either way I wouldn't get stuck with someone who doesn't seem to understand what it is to be in a relationship and what? you have been dating her for a whole year and not once have been reciprocated? yikes.


If you really really like her it might be time for you to tell her to go to a sex therapist if she wants the relationship to continue.

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Wait---She will receive your attentions for a limited time, but does not reciprocate?


She was sexually abused repeatedly as a child, where, oh let me think, things were done to her (against her will) and if she reciprocated at all, it would have been because she was forced to?


She doesn't see the connection?


She is repeating this pattern in your relationship. It sounds to me like she submits to you for a time to pacify you because she feels she HAS to because you are in a relationship- As a child, she surrendered to her abusers because they were in a position of authority/power/control over her. What little reciprocity you get I suspect is driven by fear (of losing you), not a desire give you pleasure, or to demonstrate her feelings for you. If she was forced to reciprocate to her abusers, again, she did so out of the fear of what would happen if she didn't - certainly not because she wanted to.


I feel for her, and for you. She needs therapy to work throught this. BUT- you can't make her go.


One suggestion- talk to her and suggest to her that she may find that if SHE takes control, initiates and does it for her own pleasure, that she may find that an extremely empowering experience. Tell her you want her to try to use you for her pleasure-that you are submitting yourself to her. See if that helps. If she agrees to try- be completely submissive. Don't suggest anything, don't do anything without her first telling or leading you to. Even offer to blindfold yourself. That might help too, who knows....


If she isn't interested in that, I'd consider withdrawing yourself sexually from her altogether for now. You don't want to inadvertently be psychologically connected with those who abused her. I know it's tough and doesn't sound very fair to you, but if you are committed to this relationship, you need to remember that what she suffered wasn't "fair" (to say the least)either. It sounds to me like she still has a lot of healing to do.


Was she abused by men? Is it possible she made a decision to live a lesbian lifestyle solely as a means to avoiding sexual interaction with men? I'm sure you've considered this- have you discussed this with her?


If you are committed to this relationship, then I'd tell her that you are willing to do whatever it takes for her to get past this, but that you must see an effort on her part to heal herself- Therapy, even self-help books- something to demonstrate that she is willing to do what needs to be done to be able to have a healthy intimate relationship.


If she is not willing to face her demons (which is an effective coping strategy for some), then only you can decide if the rest of your relationship is fulfilling enough to live without this connection....


Good luck to you both.

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yes she was sexually abused by males. family members. her brother and her father. i know that i could never possibly imagine what she has gone through, but this girl is my world. i have gone this long without intimacy, and i know i can go longer. its not the sex that i want, its wanting her to want me. i understand that if she does start to work through things its going to be a long and hard process, for the both of us. i want to help her. when i lived closer to her, i asked her if we could go to counseling together or just her. she said she would do it. but she wasnt doing it for herself, she said she would be doing it for me. im just so scared. im afraid the only reason she wants to be with me is for companionship and to protect her. she is the sweetest girl and would never hurt a soul. EVER. i just want hurt to get better. i want to help her. i want to save her. i want to to be there for her in her times of need. but if she wont admit that there is anything wrong anymore, than how can i do anything at all?


i feel horrible wanting so much from her, but i feel as though my needs are only human. i dont feel as though i am expecting more than anyone else would want. i feel like i am selfish. why cant i just be happy with having her? why cant i just get rid of these sexual feelings? i think that would make her happy.... i am sorry if this reply doesnt make much sense or isnt much of a reply to anything you said. i am very emotional atm.

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First of all I would try to understand what is exactly that is bothering you. As I understand the mere wish for reciprocated passion is one of the things, however also I see you love her. Does she love you? What do you feel, what does she say? How does she express her love to you? Do you think if you both would decide to go one-two-three months without sex it alleviate pressure from her shoulders and she could be more relaxed with you? besides caresses that call for sex there is a plain human tenderness - holding hands, stroking another person's back, hand, hair. Does she feel comfortable with that kind of physical connection? You say you have a dominant role in the relationship, have you ever exposed your weaknesses to her, called for her support? Is she ready to support you in the times when you feel tired or sick or your mood is down? May be I would try to go this road and see if she can be supportive (active) in not a sexual way. It could be a start for her to feel a responsibility for another person. I would try to understand there is no way you can make her happy or save her without her help. If she is completely submissive (and not only in a sexual way) then there is not much of a hope... If she is capable of taking initiative as a friend, companion, then I would be able to keep my hope.

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she will hold my hand. she will let me hold her at night. i give her massages, etc. but i dont receive it back. she doesnt do those things for me. when i am upset she kinda just stares at me. shell ask me whats wrong but thats as far as it goes. i could be crying hysterically and she just looks at me. when i confront her on why she doesnt try to console me, her response is "i didnt know what to say or do." last month my younger sister tried to kill herself, i was standing in front of her when i got the phone call. she said nothing she did nothing. i had to ask for her to hold me, and she didnt. i ended up holding her. i really dont understand her at all.

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she will hold my hand. she will let me hold her at night. i give her massages, etc. but i dont receive it back. she doesnt do those things for me. when i am upset she kinda just stares at me. shell ask me whats wrong but thats as far as it goes. i could be crying hysterically and she just looks at me. when i confront her on why she doesnt try to console me, her response is "i didnt know what to say or do." last month my younger sister tried to kill herself, i was standing in front of her when i got the phone call. she said nothing she did nothing. i had to ask for her to hold me, and she didnt. i ended up holding her. i really dont understand her at all.



I don't mean to be insensitive to what she has been through, and obviously she has blocked out her empathetic responses as a coping mechanism, or they were never fully developed because of her abuse..




She doesn't seem the least bit interested in dealing with it. You said she would go to counselling for YOU, not for her. YOU seem to understand what a normal romantic relationship should look like; support, empathy, intimacy( wherein BOTH partners enjoy giving the other pleasure) etc. It doesn't sound to me like you need the therapy. I think it's pretty obvious to anyone who hears her story that she needs therapy to deal with what's happened.


But she isn't interested. She sees nothing wrong with being cold, indifferent and taking what SHE wants from the relationship, but I see nothing in your posts to indicate that she is the least bit concerned about whether or not you are getting any of what you want from the relationship. Which makes me wonder;


What ARE you getting from it? I'm not asking IF you love her, I am asking WHY you love her? What does she bring to the table?


I feel bad for her and what she's been through, I can't stress that enough. But it isn't your responsibility, or even within your grasp, to heal her emotional scars- especially when she refuses to acknowledge them.


You didn't abuse her. You didn't inflict this upon her. If she isn't interested in dealing with it and is happy being the way she is, then WHY are you banging your head against the wall trying to help her? There is no doubt she is damaged. That, in itself is not a reason to walk away from a relationship. BUT no matter what has happened to her in the past, she should not be in a relationship if all she is prepared to do is take from you, without giving something back. You can't be expected to stay in a relationship where your needs aren't given any consideration.


It may come down to a compatability issue. You want a relationship with someone who values reciprocal intimacy and can provide emotional support. Those are pretty important issues. If she doesn't value those things enough to try to mend her damaged soul, then there's nothing you can do. You will continue to not get what you need.


I don't know what else to tell you. NO matter what a person has been through, IMO, if they want to garner the benefits of a relationship, then they also have to want to give something back, or it is ultimately going to fail.


I wish you both peace. Even if it isn't with each other.....

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As is see it she is accepting what you have to give in a fatalistic way which blocks relationship from growth and development. I am not asking WHY you love her, however i would assume there is something in a way she is that attracts you a lot. However it seems to me that you both live through different experiences, your relationship is one thing for you and a different thing for her. Relationship is enjoyable and healthy when it is mutual. If I would love that kind of a person I would try to find a way to make it mutual, even if it would mean to rebuild my own feelings and expectations to a mere friendship. I think, she could handle that. It is a difficult thing to do of course, however "they" say that there is such a thing as unconditional love. Do I believe in it? I do not know. From mother to child - yes, I am not one hundred percent sure it is possible between two adults. I do believe in unconditional love that does not involve sex. Do you think you love her unconditionally? If yes, then I would remove the pressure from her shoulders about physical side of relationship and love her from a distance as you would love a sister or a friend. I am not usre that unconditional love is possible when sex plays an important role in relationship.

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She is not ready to be in a romantic relationship. She has work to do on herself before she can truly let another person connect with her. I agree with what others have written - she needs therapy/counseling.


Staying in this relationship may very well harm your sense of self and your self-esteem. Your wants and needs are normal and healthy.

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