I threw it all away...

[hiiamross]

Hi people.

 

I've just recently broke up with my girlfriend. We've been going out for almost 4 years and I treated her awfully. I cheated on her twice (never physically), watched porn behind her back and just didnt appreciate all she did for me.

 

I have fallen for someone else whom I have so much in common. My girlfriend (well ex now I guess) said she forgives me and still wants me even though I'm the biggest on the planet. But I feel I don't deserve her or to be happy with anyone again and I don't know if I can change. Saying goodbye to her was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I still can't get over her and can't stop crying. But I still like this new girl. I just don't know what to do. And I'm all out of ideas.

 

Should I go back to her? Or take a chance with the new girl?

 

I'm miserable.

[knightingale]

I think you should do neither. You need to be single for a little while and figure out why you did the things you did. In that time, I hope you will reach the point where you deserve happiness.

[Penny Wise]

Let her go to get on with her life.

You wont change, and you are destined to destroy her very existence.

Stop being a Narcisist and give her, her freedom.

Move onto this new victim.

[HeartGoesOn]

If you really did love your "ex", you wouldn't have to ask us this question.

[knightingale]

Move onto this new victim.

 

No! He shouldn't be allowed to hurt someone else like he did his ex. He needs to take time to grow up and figure his $h!t out.

 

OP, leave BOTH of these women alone and don't drag them down with you. If you really love your ex, you will let her go. In all honesty, if you really loved her you would have figured that out by now.

[Casey13]

Figure yourself out first and make sure you are equipped for a relationship before you continue treating other girls be it your ex or new girl like trash. You say you treated your ex like garbage yet you also say you dont think you could change. This to me sounds silly because you should want to change for the better so that you can treat people you are with as good as they treat you

[90_hour_sleep]

Figure yourself out first and make sure you are equipped for a relationship before you continue treating other girls be it your ex or new girl like trash. You say you treated your ex like garbage yet you also say you dont think you could change. This to me sounds silly because you should want to change for the better so that you can treat people you are with as good as they treat you

 

i like this advice. you know...people make mistakes. forgiveness can be a wonderful thing...but i don't think you deserve it at this point...if you've been completely honest. take the time to figure yourself out. if you really want to change...it's within your power. more good advice not to drag other people around while you do that. time for personal reflection my friend.

 

forgive yourself...and then accept forgiveness from others.

[Jillybean86]

i have quiet a few thoughts on this post and replies.

and a few pieces of advice which may hopefully help you in your delema.

 

1. The worst thing of all you could posiably do to yourself and your ex is get into a relationship with someone else this would be very unwise if you have already hurt her enough, this would distroy her even more knowing you have moved on so fast, if you are sorry for doing what you did to her and love her you wouldnt go doing that.

 

2. Take some time out maybe a couple of weeks, month or so to get together your thoughts and work on forgiving yourself then move from there.

 

3. If i had to choose someone to be with in your situation, i think the more possitive choice would be your ex, if you are to change you should be changing for her of all people. to repay her for what you have done, seems from what you have said she is supportive and your should really be with someone like this when working on forgiving yourself, if she is willing to forgive that obviously shows she cares and isnt going to run at the first sign of trouble, a stable partner whom you would probably end up having a future with.

 

4. The other girl im assuming she likes you back?, if the feelings have just came out recently when there were signs of trouble with you and your ex and she knew of these problems i would tread very carefully with this one. girls often tend to feed of other peoples problems to get what they want expecially if she is a "lonley/sad/looking for love" type of person...not to reliable, looking out for herself, also if she is asking about you problems all the time and reasuring you of what you want to here i would sugest not to go there. ( i know this since i have played this game before with guys, yes nasty i know) if you have alot in common maybe its best to just stay friends?

if you were friends to begin with?.

 

 

5. Everyone deserves to be happy.

 

 

i hope this was a little help.

my main point is if you should do anything take some time to gather your thoughts then if anything maybe pay your ex back by giving it another chance im sure if she is willing to forgive you this would make her forgivness much easier if you worked through it together, it takes time. but ive learnt the grass is hardly ever greener on the other side of the fence.

 

(i was in a similar situation but with 2 guys. dont mess this up like i did. if your wondering i choose to take a chance with another guy very bad move by me, your not me but, the situation was very similar.)

 

any progress since your post too?

 

i hope this helped man

 

- Jill

[odile]

Let the ex go! You clearly didn't love her, and no amount of work is going to change that.

She deserves to be with someone who actually cares about HER needs, not merely someone who wants to use her, which is what in all honesty it sounds like you did.

You don't miss HER--

 

In your own words- - " I treated her awfully. I cheated on her twice (never physically), watched porn behind her back and just didnt appreciate all she did for me."

 

You miss what she did for you, and that's just not good enough. Perhaps you feel guilty for all that you took for granted, but guilt does not mean love.

You wasted 4 years of her life, and 4 years of your life because you were too weak/lazy/selfish to make some necessary changes.

This wasn't right for either of you, no matter how 'used to it' you'd become.

 

You are lonely now, but if you somehow win her back, there is no way that you'd not reach this same exact crossroads again; it would be just a matter of time.

 

What you need right now is some time ALONE. You are used to having someone at your disposal, and you need to change that habit.

 

You say you've "fallen" for this new girl, and it does sound like there's some positive qualities that you admire about her (or at least you acknowledge that you have things in common, etc.). It's important to be with someone whom you can relate to.

Not only that, but you actually mention having feelings for her (which you did not indicate at all when speaking of the ex).

This is a big contrast to what you've written about your ex (which was only that she had been good to you).

 

If you really like the new girl, keep her as a friend, but don't cling and don't use her to fill in the empty space left by your ex.

There's potential there, but you need time to learn to get to know who she really is before you can even consider any sort of romantic relationship.

More importantly, you need time to get to know yourself.

 

You need to learn how to be truly independent, that way you'll know that your interest stems from a healthy place, a place of love, rather than a place of need.

[odile]

For the record-- I think Jillybean's advice was terrible, even if her intentions are clearly good.

 

1. The worst thing of all you could posiably do to yourself and your ex is get into a relationship with someone else this would be very unwise if you have already hurt her enough, this would distroy her even more knowing you have moved on so fast, if you are sorry for doing what you did to her and love her you wouldnt go doing that.

 

I agree with the part about not jumping into a new relationship right away, but where I disagree with this point is that the reason you shouldn't do it has to do with everything I've pointed about in my last post, and nothing to do with your ex.

In fact, if you are foolish enough to move on so quickly, you should certainly not hide it from your ex, because although it may hurt her a bit, perhaps she'll be able to see your true colors, find closure and move on.

Dishonesty (even by omission) never helps in these sorts of matters.

 

2. Take some time out maybe a couple of weeks, month or so to get together your thoughts and work on forgiving yourself then move from there.

 

Okay, I agree with this point, but feel that a month just isn't long enough based on what you've written. You need some serious time to soul search.

Basically, you won't be ready until you truly feel fine being on your own.

 

3. If i had to choose someone to be with in your situation, i think the more possitive choice would be your ex, if you are to change you should be changing for her of all people.

 

Oh, I DISAGREE. Staying because you "owe" someone (out of guilt or what have you) is a recipe for disaster.

If you are to change, the person 'of all people' you should be changing for is YOURSELF.

 

to repay her for what you have done, seems from what you have said she is supportive and your should really be with someone like this when working on forgiving yourself, if she is willing to forgive that obviously shows she cares and isnt going to run at the first sign of trouble, a stable partner whom you would probably end up having a future with.

 

As for the ex-- just because she is reliable does not justify keeping her around to be a doormat. I agree that you do owe the ex somehow, but I think that the best way you can repay her is by setting her free to find someone who truly appreciates HER (not just the nice things she can provide) from the bottom of his heart.

 

Plus, if you want someone "stable", it shouldn't be too hard too find. A stable relationship however requires the work of two partners, and this sort of equal partnership is more like what you should be looking for. If you find the right person, and you each are committed to each other, the stability will come.

 

 

4. The other girl im assuming she likes you back?, if the feelings have just came out recently when there were signs of trouble with you and your ex and she knew of these problems i would tread very carefully with this one. girls often tend to feed of other peoples problems to get what they want expecially if she is a "lonley/sad/looking for love" type of person...not to reliable, looking out for herself, also if she is asking about you problems all the time and reasuring you of what you want to here i would sugest not to go there. ( i know this since i have played this game before with guys, yes nasty i know)

 

I'm really not sure where Jilly is coming from here.

If the new girl is doing any of the above (aside from being "unreliable"), then these may or may not all point to good qualities, but there is just no way to tell without hearing the specifics. I agree with Jilly about treading lightly, however, but it has more to do with being sensible, and not at all to do with questioning the motives of the new girl. Then again, I've never been a game-player...

 

if you have alot in common maybe its best to just stay friends?

if you were friends to begin with?.

 

I agree with this.

If anything more should develop, the feelings will still be there later, so there's no need to rush.

 

5. Everyone deserves to be happy.

 

Aww, bless. I'll say: everyone deserves to get as good as they give.

 

i hope this was a little help.

my main point is if you should do anything take some time to gather your thoughts then if anything maybe pay your ex back by giving it another chance im sure if she is willing to forgive you this would make her forgivness much easier if you worked through it together, it takes time. but ive learnt the grass is hardly ever greener on the other side of the fence.

(i was in a similar situation but with 2 guys. dont mess this up like i did. if your wondering i choose to take a chance with another guy very bad move by me, your not me but, the situation was very similar.)

 

I don't think there's much to say on this last bit, because if you read everything else I've written (and what everyone else-- aside from Jilly-- has said thus far), I think you'll have your answers.

[Jillybean86]

my advice was not terrible...seeings i have been through a very similar situtation im trying to relay to you one result of some of these actions.

 

a highly known point is that sad as it is it takes time to realise you dont know what you have got till it is truly gone.

 

i dont think this "hiimross" really does realise what he has done in scale.

 

running to another woman and distorying is life and the other two girls isnt the answer

 

if anything he should leave them both alone and keep them both as friends nothing more nothing less

 

he deserves neither

 

if his ex truly loves him and wants to forgive him. she will support this...i wouldnt expect her to if he choices to take things forward with the other girl though.

 

in all honesty this guy is being quiet selfish. he should take at least a year to clear his own problems out. then maybe try for something with someone else

he is rushing into things.

 

dont make that mistake.

cause i can bet you will regret it.

 

if it hurts you to do this and you say you love your ex you woulnt flee to someone else its most likely a comfort thing / rebound anyway. friends arnt always supposed to be more dont be a fool.

 

as for this statement :

 

"You say you've "fallen" for this new girl, and it does sound like there's some positive qualities that you admire about her (or at least you acknowledge that you have things in common, etc.). It's important to be with someone whom you can relate to.

Not only that, but you actually mention having feelings for her (which you did not indicate at all when speaking of the ex).

This is a big contrast to what you've written about your ex (which was only that she had been good to you)."

 

Im sure he actually had feelings for his ex come on would be be so hurt if he didnt? and if she is hard to get over isnt that showing there are still feelings there?

 

he hasnt said what his ex and him shared how are we supposed to know what they had in common and what they didnt? im sure they had to be compatible to of lasted nearly 4 years!

 

I think if he is going to do anything he should have noone

 

till he deserves someone which maybe never!

[odile]

O.K., Jillybean's amended her original post somewhat. Judging by some of the new statements, it looks like we're getting closer to an consensus now.

 

if anything he should leave them both alone and keep them both as friends nothing more nothing less

(...)

in all honesty this guy is being quiet selfish. he should take at least a year to clear his own problems out. then maybe try for something with someone else

he is rushing into things.

dont make that mistake.

cause i can bet you will regret it.

(...)

I think if he is going to do anything he should have noone

till he deserves someone which maybe never!

 

AGREED (even if that last line's a tad harsh, i do think it's fair enough) =D>

 

 

NOW, maybe it's time to let this go, but there are still some seriously conflicting statements being made here Jillybean, and it seems pretty important that hiiamross hears the counter to your arguments.

 

if his ex truly loves him and wants to forgive him. she will support this...i wouldnt expect her to if he choices to take things forward with the other girl though.

 

I don't know that that can be said either way.

 

Hypothetically speaking: She could be co-dependent, and want to stay in a relationship just because she doesn't want to be alone, or lose what she is used to, or even perhaps she is worried that she's 'wasted four years'-- even though part of her was unhappy.

Or, conversely, even if she DOES love him, it's possible that she could decide that the best thing to do is to let him go.

 

And lastly, I wouldn't expect anything from the ex.

She may be unable to forgive him

(I'd have a pretty hard time were I in her shoes, but that's because I think dishonesty is the ultimate betrayal).

 

BUT, if she can find it in her heart to do so, then it seems to me that she will forgive whether or not he decides to return to their relationship

-- or else it's not truly forgiveness, is it?

 

if it hurts you to do this and you say you love your ex you woulnt flee to someone else its most likely a comfort thing / rebound anyway.

 

What people say, and what people do don't always mesh.

'Actions speak louder than words' is a decent rule of thumb.

 

Perhaps words of love were spoken to the ex, but she was treated like dirt--

and that's just not how people who are ready to be in a healthy relationship treat those that they love.

 

 

friends arnt always supposed to be more dont be a fool.

 

 

This is true, and a very good reason to take time out, and take things very slowly before even

considering a relationship with ANYONE.

 

 

Im sure he actually had feelings for his ex come on would be be so hurt if he didnt? and if she is hard to get over isnt that showing there are still feelings there?

 

Surely there are some feelings, but it's hard to gauge how deep they lay.

If you spend that long with someone, there is always going to be a certain level of attachment.

Maybe it's not a great example, but even people who go through divorces with abusers feel the pain of losing that person.

Any way you cut it, break ups suck, even when they're for the right reasons.

 

Sometimes even positive changes hurt. Ever heard of growing pains?

 

In any case, whatever feelings were there were not enough to value her and treat her right, and the feelings were not enough for him to stay committed, and they don't seem to be enough even now, because there's still a level of infatuation with the new girl!

 

 

he hasnt said what his ex and him shared how are we supposed to know what they had in common and what they didnt? im sure they had to be compatible to of lasted nearly 4 years!

 

The point I was making was based on precisely that fact-- he didn't think to mention a SINGLE quality the ex had, other than that she was there, and willing to put up with him. I think that this omission on his part perhaps speaks volumes.

She could be a lovely and wonderful person, but it just doesn't seem like he was able to appreciate her.

My point is that her willingness to put up with being treated 2nd best is just not a good enough reason for him to stick around,

and getting back together will benefit neither of them.

 

Sometimes people stick with what's familiar to them, even when part of them is wishing for something else.

Days, weeks, years can fly by quickly. I think if after 4 years the relationship has still failed to develop, then really, it's time to move on.

[Jillybean86]

id agree with most of what odile has stated.

although id like to see how fond of his ex he was when he first met her im sure he would have had plenty good to say about her just as he has only met this other girl he doesnt know any of her negitives...point i think so

 

also this "hiimross" could be using the whole he cant be with his ex cause he hurt her as a barrier to make his self feel better about leaving his gf for another person ? this happens alot since guys think it will hurt there partners less if they do this!

 

"and getting back together will benefit neither of them."

 

no one knows this apart from them!

 

he may realize he has * * * * ed up later on...and find out what he really wants although he may not.

 

i wouldnt expect the ex to be there then, but if she was still keen to be with him, second chances everyone deserves them especially after learning lessons in life.

 

4 years in a relationship dont talk about it like it was nothing and had no progress, thats just ignorant and rude to be quite frank, im sure it developed in many ways.

 

has anyone maybe just came to the conclussion that this guy wants the best of both worlds? cause that is highly possible

 

or maybe having the oh god i have to get out and sleep with someone else syndrom ?

 

these are all likely

 

we can all talk about these people like we know them but we dont.

 

noone knows what those 4 years were like.

 

hmmmm.

[odile]

although id like to see how fond of his ex he was when he first met her im sure he would have had plenty good to say about her just as he has only met this other girl he doesnt know any of her negitives...point i think so

 

Sure, but he spent a long time-- 4 years-- really getting to know the ex, and he still wasn't sold on her; this is why it was time to move on.

To my mind, if he was not committed to what was meant to be a committed relationship, then it was right to end things whether or not there was a new prospect.

As far as the new woman goes, you're right-- he doesn't know her very well, which is one of many reasons why it's best to take time to get to know her before jumping into a new relationship.

 

 

also this "hiimross" could be using the whole he cant be with his ex cause he hurt her as a barrier to make his self feel better about leaving his gf for another person ? this happens alot since guys think it will hurt there partners less if they do this!

 

Erm, dunno if I see your logic.

He hasn't said that he "can't be with his ex"-- in fact he has said that the ex is there and willing to give it another go.

If he is doubting himself to the degree that he is so hesitant to try, then any conjecture about why he has this doubt is irrelevant. The point is that he's really unsure, and really conflicted.

Trying to build a relationship on such a shaky foundation is like trying to build a home on quicksand: it's incredibly foolish at best, and disastrous at worst.

 

 

 

"and getting back together will benefit neither of them."

no one knows this apart from them!

 

Well, at this point in time it does seem that hiimross is, at best, ambivalent about his ex; he has "fallen for" someone else.

No good can come of him getting with the ex when he is clearly so uncertain about what it is he really wants.

 

If he doesn't take time out to resolve some things within himself, BY HIMSELF, then those questions will undoubtedly come to make more mess again later on down the line.

 

 

he may realize he has * * * * ed up later on...and find out what he really wants although he may not.

 

i wouldnt expect the ex to be there then, but if she was still keen to be with him, second chances everyone deserves them especially after learning lessons in life.

 

A second chance should only be given to those who give indication of deserving it.

 

He has not been a good boyfriend to the ex, and he says himself that he "doesn't know if (he) can change".

This is not good enough.

He needs to do some serious work ON HIS OWN.

 

Until he gets to the point where he HAS made change within himself; to where he really knows and is sure of himself, and can commit wholly to the decisions that he makes; then getting involved with anyone would be incredibly selfish of him.

Because at this point in time, for him to engage in a relationship (with either the ex or anyone else) he is stumbling around blindly, and would be seriously gambling with the hearts of others.

 

 

4 years in a relationship dont talk about it like it was nothing and had no progress, thats just ignorant and rude to be quite frank, im sure it developed in many ways

 

It's not that the relationship with the ex was nothing, it's that what it was wasn't healthy .

In his words:

"We've been going out for almost 4 years and I treated her awfully. I cheated on her twice (never physically), watched porn behind her back and just didnt appreciate all she did for me"

 

This is not a very good example of a relationship that is progressing.

If that still isn't enough to convince you, then remember that he already chose to end things with the ex (rather than work on the relationship).

Then on top of it, throw his affections for a new woman into the mix, and it is blindingly obvious that there was a serious lack of commitment; certainly not the amount of commitment that one should expect after 4 years.

 

 

has anyone maybe just came to the conclussion that this guy wants the best of both worlds? cause that is highly possible.

or maybe having the oh god i have to get out and sleep with someone else syndrom ?

 

Sure, this is totally possible, and precisely why he should not be involved with anyone right now, or making commitments that he is so clearly unprepared to keep.

 

 

noone knows what those 4 years were like.

 

Once again, he's given us a pretty good idea when he says:

"We've been going out for almost 4 years and I treated her awfully. I cheated on her twice (never physically), watched porn behind her back and just didnt appreciate all she did for me."

 

This does not sound like a good relationship.

...I suspect if you asked the friends and family of the ex, they would probably agree.