fresh perspective on an old problem - is it healthy?

[dhjjessel]

Ok so i courted a girl for a long time, was crazy about her. She had a boyfriend for the first 2 years i knew her, but she still seemed to me to be very much into me, despite being slightly torn as to what to do, and I was probably kidding myself that she would break up with him for me.

 

Anyway, he proposed, she said no, they broke up. Straight away, we were together, but she had to constantly remind me that she couldnt get into anything serious, that she needed to be single. I guess i just didnt listen, since it didnt seem to change anything, then my mum died, and i needed her more than ever. Our relationship became even more intense than it had been, constantly talking about "us". Eventually she took a stand, told me it had to stop, and started seeing someone else. There is so much more detail than this but I hopefully havent missed anything important.

 

Anyway, our friend groups are very intertwined, and having tried not to see her because it upset me so much to think about her with someone else, I saw her again and found myself ready to put our friendship first, since we both have a way of cheering each other up, and I feel (at the moment) that she can do whatever the hell she wants. if she wants to be single and stupid, there is nothing I can do to change her mind.

 

Still, it feels much better to have some contact with her. When i tried to cut her out (which was on and off for about 6 weeks), i woke up miserable, or angry. Now, I am able to force myself not to obsess about her with someone else, and still be open with each other about the way we feel.When i told her not to call me, i spent the entire time waiting to hear from her. Every time my phone rang, i wanted it to be her. I checked my email 100 times a day. Now i am more relaxed. Do you think I will end up hitting a very painful brick wall if i carry on like this? Would it be better to cut her off completely, even though it was intolerably painful to do when i treid it (since i care about her a lot, and we are good friends?)

what do you think?

[Cognitive_Canine]

First of all, I hope you realize all the mistakes you made when getting together and learned your lesson about taken girls, being a rebound, and not listening when they say they do not want anything serious.

 

I would go No contact. You are just torturing yourself here.

[dhjjessel]

it was utter torture to have no contact. we were good friends, so i think thats why her "no commitment" thing didnt just lead her to walk out the door. This way, i feel like i am much better adjusted. I have had the darkest 2 months of my life and i am finally feeling better - less attached.

[jul-els]

You are right when you said she can do whatever the hell she wants. So can you. You need to take a step back and get some perspective on the situation. Once you can get some distance from this you will be able to see things more clearly. There's really no point in beating yourself up over it.

[dhjjessel]

i was beating myself up - i am in the acceptance stage now

[jul-els]

You're moving in the right direction. Just keep going. Time is your friend.

[mca1975]

You say "if she wants to be single and stupid".... It is her right to be single if she wants to be, so it's not stupid. It's only stupid because its not what you want.

 

You can't make someone want to be with you and she did tell you from the very outset that she was not in it for a relationship. If you two were such good friends, then I don't think she should have got together with you in that way maybe if she wasn't sure she could give you what you want.

 

You are just torturing yourself here with the contact. It will tear you apart and will get more painful. Yes it is painful to do NC, but that will not last forever and once you find other interests it wil not be as painful as this is gonna end up. Do it now and stick to it. 'No pain no gain' - there is a lot of truth in that phrase and it covers a variety of situations doesnt it.