My fiance now regrets after our long engagement

[robokon]

I have been dating my fiance for almost 10 years. This is my first love. About 6 years ago, he moved to Canada and has been staying with his family after he finished college. In this 6 years of long distance relationship, we only saw each others once a month or every other month.

 

About 4 years ago, we started to discuss about marriage. He never wanted to commit. He told me that it wasn't time. I was so upset about it and we always ended up with agrument. About 2 years ago, I found out that he had been seeing his co-worker for 6 months. When I discovered that, they had already separated. He told me that he did not want to tell me because he did not want to hurt me and he loved me more than the other girl. He told me that he only had sympathy to that girl because he has other problems. When I found out about that, he told me everything had passed. I was so depressed but I really really loved him. I finally forgave him.

 

Six months later, he proposed to me. It was not a romatic setting; he proposed to me on the way to airport the date he had to leave my place in Texas and go back to Canada. He had the ring for 4 days but he proposed to me on the last day. He said that he was afraid that I would say no. I was planning to move to Canada, leave my job and 'run to him'. However, one month later, he was laid off and I got an promotion. He was hestiate to move to the US and leave his family. He does not like Texas and he has no friends or family here. However, since he did not find a job for almost a year, he had decided to move to my place, unwillingly. Due to this is a cross country marriage, there is some paperworks to prepare and everything is still pending. Not suprisingly, he is not in a hurry. He is comfortable with the fact that I am here and he is way over there. I knew that he really did not want to get married. He had told me that he was afraid of the fact that getting more responsibilities. I still believe that he asked me to get married becuase he felt liked he 'had to' not that he 'wanted to'.

 

I tell him that there is no more passion between us and he says that it is common for a long term relationship. We talked on the phone every night. Most of the time I made the calls. I like talking to him but he doesn't really care.

 

Last night, he sounded unhappy but he didn't want to tell me. After asking him more than 10 times, he told me that he had a dream. He told me that, in his dream, he regreted that he asked me to get married. In the dream, he were getting married in the afternoon but he was afraid and upset that morning. He didn't remember or he didn't want to tell me any more details. I was upset but I wasn't surprised. Really, I appreciated that he finally admitted that. I did not want to marry to a guy who does not want to marry me. He said that it was a dream only and it does not fully represent his feeling. For sure the dream was do real that makes him confused. I told him that it was because he does not want to get married so it reflects in his dream. I suggested that maybe we should separate for a while and really think about our relationship. When he knows what he wanted, he needed to tell me. He was angry at the beginning and said that I planned everything. He said that he should not have told me about the dream.

 

He does not want to make any decision so I have to. My family, my friends and even his mom said that he is very immuture. He lives with his parents who provide the house, food, car, all necessities for him. His part time job really cannot support himself without his parents' financial supports. His mom even do laundry for him! He admits that he is self centered and immuture. I was hoping that things will change when time passed and after he moved out from his family. I don't know why I love him so much. I just cannot let go! He is the only person that knows me and understands me. People say that I need to see more (guys) to compare but I don't want to. However, on the other hand, I cannot forget about his love affair with his co-workers behind my back which he explains that he did not want to hurt me so he did not tell me.

 

I am so clam that I can't even believe that. I didn't cry but I am upset. I really don't know what I should do. Leave him or continue to work on this relationship? Help...

[adrenalyn-x]

Ask yourself honestly, in your heart, is this guy right for you in the long run? He has told you almost from the beginning that he does not want to commit. From your post, it sounds like he is still happy being single, living at home with his parents and relying on them for financial support. Can you picture yourself married to someone like him?

 

You sound like a very patient girl, so maybe you can sort of lay low for awhile and see what he does, if he makes any moves/choices about your relationship, or does he just fade away from your life? Seeing as you have been making the first moves all this time, maybe leave the ball in his court for a change. If he has changed, he will make a decision, whether to continue the relationship or not. But remember, life is too short to play the waiting game. Ask yourself if you want to be with someone you have to wait around for.

 

All the best to you with whatever path you take.

[Athena]

I think the biggest mistakes are made when we are unsure of what to do. Alot of time, when we are unsure, we for some reason feel the panic to do SOMETHING, and most often, decisions made out of such unsureness will get you into worse situations.

 

My advise would be to do nothing for the moment. Don't break-up, don't move, don't do ANYTHING. You are in what I have been taught to call the Dark place of the Unknowing. The signs that point you to the right decision are not clear to you. The worst thing you can do right now is look back or run forward. Have you ever been lost in the woods? Going back or running forward, when you don't know where you are, only gets you MORE LOST. What you need to do the most, and what's the hardest thing to do, is to STAND STILL.

 

There's alot going on right now - alot of major things. Stand still and let the dust settle around you so that you can see more clearly which path to take.

 

-A