Was I wrong to?

[GreenEyedJes]

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and I'm starting to have doubts about it.

 

I broke up with him when I felt like I was trapped. We would get into huge arguments about whether or not I could go out to a club with friends. I didn't see a problem, he did. The underlying issue was I felt like I needed his approval to do what I wanted and I didn't like that or that he refused to compromise and meet me halfway. When we would get into arguments he was also really disrespectful. If I said something he didn't agree with, then he would say "That's stupid" or "Don't be dumb". Or if things got really bad he would say that I didn't care about him, or ask me "What the f' was wrong with me." I asked him in our second to last argument not to do that. I understand that he won't always agree with me but he needs to at least respect what I say and understand that just because I don't do what he wants doesn't mean that I don't care or that there's something wrong with me. My other big issue was that he kept hanging up on me during arguments. I'm not bothered so much by him hanging up (I've done it to him too, and its not something I proud of), but I'm upset that he kept doing it even after I asked him not to. I told that it was ok if he didn't want to talk, but that I needed him to not hang up on me.

 

In the argument leading up to our break up, I tried to get him to work things out with me and find a middle ground but he didn't seem willing to try. Especially after he said I was being a "b". That was my last straw and I told him that we were breaking up.

 

But now I'm a bit confused. I still love him dearly and I know that the break up has hurt him deep, and I hate that. Honestly, knowing that I hurt him upsets me more than not being with him. Hurting him is not something I ever wanted to do. But I wasn't happy with the way things were or with how immature he could be. I want him to be happy but I need to be happy too. And a part of me hopes that after some time we can get back together, or at least become friends. I would hate to completely lose him. So, I guess, I just don't know if I did the right thing. . .

[Sparkie]

Hey,

 

You sound a lot like my ex. She broke up with me over similar issues. She had a lot of male friends some of who fancied her, and i didn't like it. I couldn't understand why she couldn't see it, despite them telling her! She just used to say 'well if i don't want to cross any lines, they won't be able to' and 'you questioning this makes me feel you're attacking my integrity'.

 

I understand how she feels, especially as we have a long bodgy history. But from the other side, what I needed was a gf who understood my apprehensions. I should have talked more about 'why' i felt like i did (deep rooted fear of losing her), rather than just trying to get her to change. Because by doing that, it just breeds resentment; its controlling and nobody likes that.

 

She also used to feel worse about hurting me, than her own hurt. She got over that!. I'd leave it a few days to calm down and then talk to him about where his fears come from. It might be more productive, especially if you can compromise and give him a lot of info when you go out.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes you did the right thing...he was verbally abusing you and trying to control you. Do not be concerned about hurting him by dumping him...you gave him ample warning that his actions were hurtful to you and he didn't care. When someone doesn't care about your feelings then your primary concern should be to protect yourself from that person. If he is devastated by the breakup then maybe he should be doing some good long thinking about why you had to break things off..if he can't look deep within himself and change his attitude and behaviours to be more humane and compassionate then you are better off broken up with him no matter how much that pains him.

[GreenEyedJes]

I'm not sure what his deeper fears are in the relationship, I definitely want to talk to him when he's ready. I think I might wait for him to contact me first. I have mostly female friends and very, very few guy friends and most of those few are in a relationships or are completely devoted to college for the time being.

 

I have a hard time accepting that he was abusive. He lashed out when he was angry, when he wasn't angry he never said those things. I feel more that he lacks control of his emotions and lets them control him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I'm not sure what his deeper fears are in the relationship, I definitely want to talk to him when he's ready. I think I might wait for him to contact me first. I have mostly female friends and very, very few guy friends and most of those few are in a relationships or are completely devoted to college for the time being.

 

I have a hard time accepting that he was abusive. He lashed out when he was angry, when he wasn't angry he never said those things. I feel more that he lacks control of his emotions and lets them control him.

 

 

Even if he was not all out abusive..lashing out at you in anger in the way he did is verbally abusive and devalues you.

[agent1607307371]

But I wasn't happy with the way things were or with how immature he could be.

 

 

You did the right thing.

 

Right now you're coming out of relationship headspace, which can be a bit like coming off drugs.

 

And I second CAD's posts. When someone speaks to you like that, or tries to control you, that's not a good thing. Lashing out in anger is never excusable. It just makes it more easily justified.

[Seymore]

You don't need a person like this in your life. Someone who hangs up on you, devalues your opinions in an argument, swears at you indirectly...I left my ex over those things (among many other problems), and I'm starting to feel relieved, like I can have my life back without my every opinion and action being questioned, no matter how small. It's utterly disrespectful. I would never, EVER DREAM of hanging up on anyone, it's one of the most disrespectful things to me. I wouldn't even do it to a telemarketer. My ex did that to me a lot, even after I told her how I felt about it.

[GreenEyedJes]

I am so confused. I have fought the urge to call, e-mail, or text him all day. I want so much to talk to him and get closure, close on better terms, or I don't know. . .

 

It's only been a day and I already miss him so much. I know it'll get better with time. I don't know, I think I feel hurt that he didn't try to stop me from leaving that he just accepted it. I don't think I would have left if he had made an effort to keep me because that would mean that he wanted to make the effort to make it work.

[agent1607307371]

I want so much to talk to him and get closure, close on better terms

 

Do you really think that that is a possibility?

[GreenEyedJes]

I dont' know. Certainly not right now. Maybe in time though. I guess I'll just have to wait, give him his space, and see if he wants to talk about why it happened. I hope he will want to.

[GreenEyedJes]

I really wish I could undo the break up, or at least have postponed it until I could have tried one more time to make things work. I regret that.

[agent1607307371]

I really wish I could undo the break up, or at least have postponed it until I could have tried one more time to make things work. I regret that.

 

Common idea among people who are in a relationship with someone who is abusive is that they can make it work.

 

They don't understand that as far as the other person is concerned, nothing is broke. Everything is the way it should be.

 

Stop wishing for the good relationship or the good break-up. You aren't going to get either. At worst, you will get sucked back in, feel helpless to leave as you've failed once before and end up dead.

 

Speak to a councellor and stay away from him. He is dangerous.

[GreenEyedJes]

A good nights rest has helped, that and talking to a friend who has been there for me through other arguments.

 

I agree with some of you that he was verbally abusive, maybe even emotionally. But I don't believe he is dangerous. He was never, ever, ever physically violent with me.

 

I'm determined more today to make this work for me. After all, if he had really wanted to save this relationship, then he would have put in more effort to talk to me and to compromise.

 

Agent--thank you for your concern, I truly appreciate yours and everyone elses. Thank you all!

 

Today is a better day and I have a clearer head.

[SayWhen]

Without being able to compromise, the relationship would have suffered on many levels. It's one thing to complain about you hanging with your friends, but he may have turned controlling in other aspects. You should be able to both live your own lives outside of the relationship, especially while you are young. It sounds like he expected too much of you/wanted something way too serious/unhealthy. You did the right thing by breaking it off. It is normal to question a decision like this...but it seems like you are making peace with it. Good luck

[GreenEyedJes]

I think that I am starting to come more and more to terms with the break up. It still hurts but I know that I'll be alright and that I made the right move. A big part of me still wishes I could lessen the hurt for him, but I am doing that by going NC and waiting until he is ready to talk. I have already set my own conditions for getting back together if he ever wants that--I need to have complete control over my life, he needs to trust me to make the right decisions in my life, and he needs grow and mature as a person. This isn't to say that I don't have my own growing and maturing to do as a person (I am only 21 after all), but this is what I need from him to have a happy relationship.

 

I had the urge last night as I was getting into bed to call him and say good night. Old habits die hard I guess. We would have been together for three years in May and there wasn't a night that went by that we didn't call and say good night. I'll miss that I think.

 

I'm keeping a blog of how I feel day to day. I think I may post the good times we had, just so that I won't remember only the bad. I got a lot of good out of our relationship (I know it may not sound like it to some), but he truly loved me and cared for me and would do the sweetest little things for me and always thought of me when he was on vacation with his family and brought me back the most special souvenirs.

[GreenEyedJes]

I was in class tonight and he texted me asking how i was and said that he was ready to talk if I wanted to. I texted him back and said I was in class but would call when I got out if that was alright. He said ok so I called when I was out of class.

 

We actually had a very civil conversation. He said that he had been watching House (my absolute favorite TV show) and that it had reminded him of me because of that and because of the storyline of the episode (I read a book about that shared similar content to tonight's episode which I haven't seen yet, so no spoilers please!). We talked a bit about our weekends. We both said that we are going home this coming up weekend (our moms live within 15 minutes of each other).

 

Then we started talking about the break up aftermath. I told him that I had some of his stuff here and asked if he wanted me to bring it by before he got home or after he got home. He said it didn't matter and that he had some of my stuff too. We joked about whether or not I had any ice tea for him--I'm an RA and I was buying him bottled ice teas with my meal plan--I told him I had a couple bottles for him.

 

We also talked about why we broke up. He's really hurting from that, especially because he felt like I didn't care at all about the break up. I think though that when I told him I spent all Friday afternoon and Saturday crying he understood a bit that I cared and that I was hurt too. I don't think he understands yet why I broke it off. I think there was a miscommunication between us during the relationship where neither of us felt like the other would/could compromise.

 

He got really upset toward the end of our conversation and said that he couldn't talk anymore. I asked him if he would call me back when he is ready to talk again. He said yes. I got a text a few minutes later saying that he didn't want to talk tonight and I sent him back one saying I understand, Please call or text me when you want to talk again.

 

I know that I'm giving him a lot of control over when we talk but allowing him to contact me when he's ready, but I feel like this is the best way to handle it. If he has control over that then our contact will actually be a lot less, because I would be tempted to call/text/e-mail a lot more often wondering how he is and that wouldn't really give either of us the space we need. Its better for the both of us if I wait until he's had time to think. I wish I would have realized this while we were together, could have kept a lot of our fights a lot more mellow.