ca07 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Hello, as some of you may know my ex, who broke up with me about 1.5 months ago and I, have been speaking in these past days. On monday we held a 2 hr conversation, it was the first time we spoke since the break up. Today, she called again, we spoke for about 20 min. Today, after I asked her if we will ever have a chance in the future, she answered that she cannot predict the future, she has no idea of what may happen, she still has srtong feelings for me, and that she doesn't want to lose me. She basically said she wants to be my friend for now, so that we don't lose contact with each other, but she refuses to answer my question of the fact of she is indeed moving on or not. All she says is "why do you ask me that question" and often begins to cry. She admits that after she talks to me, she gets sad and things feel weird, but nonetheless she insists we continue to communicate with each other via phone (we've always been LD). What are her intentions? Could it be possible she still doesn't want to let go of me and possibly is reconsidering. Our talks are 99% of the time very friendly, talk about ourselves and our lives, my goal 100% is to get back together with her, I really don't want to lose her. What should I do? Link to comment
DN Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Assume the relationship is over and move on. If she wants you she will come after you. If she doesn't, she won't. So long as you allow her to put you in limbo like this that is where you will remain. Link to comment
Keyman Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Honestly, from what she says, she doesn't want to get back together, but she does want you as a friend. It sounds to me like it's going to end in unhappiness for you and you will keep pining away for her and loving her phone calls, then one day, as a friend she thinks she is, she admits to being with someone else. I tell ya dude, that'll feel like a shotgun blast in the chest. If she doesn't want to be together with you, then IMHO there should be no contact. Because you wont be able to move on while you think there is a chance, and she's happy, got you where she wants you and can go have fun withe the other boys too. She's got her cake and wants to eat pie too, you want to eat cake and got nuthin. Move on dude, stop talking to her. Tel her that you will be friends, but you need to get over her first and with that you need time. NC time for as long as it takes. (pretty much what DN said, just with more words!) Link to comment
CAgirl Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 It sounds to me like she just wants to be friends so she can feel less guilty. Link to comment
dan10 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 i'm with dn you cant stay where you are hoping that she may reconsider. she probably wants to be your friend because she likes you as a person. i mean she had to in order for you two to be together in the first place. so move on and assume that nothing is going to happen except being friends. if you dont think that you can handle her going out with another guy then i would suggest going NC but if you can handle it i would suggest being friends with her but move on and assume that she is doing the same thing Link to comment
ca07 Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 Thanks to both of you guys, I assumed that was the right thing to do, I have to admit that I have know the relationship is over and even if I continue to talk to her once a while, my mind is not in the relationship anymore. She has sworn to me that she will not meet anyone else, she is a good girl and has good values, I could never imagine her getting a rebound but I won't take my chances anyways. I'm moving to her city in 2 months, I'm quite sure that when I do she will definitely want to be with me because that changes things a lot. I'll just wait and see how we are by then. Link to comment
ca07 Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 .. Yes, she possibly is. And if she is still in contact, no, she obviously does not want to completely lose you from her life right now. As someone who received an email dump from a LD partner, I can tell you it is VERY easy for someone to dump long distance. If she didn't want you in her life, she would no longer be communicating with you. Your argument makes total sense, it would be so easy for her to let me go since we don't live nearby and if she wanted me out of her life for good, all she needs to do is stop calling me since I rarely call her. The fact that she has said that she still has feelings for me + she wants to keep contacting me makes me think that there may be still something between us. I just don't know if its the right thing to do to keep contacting her, the 2 possible outcomes in my mind are that she either wants to get back together, or that we will continue to be just friends and possibly at the end I will get really hurt if she finds someone else. I am not sure of what is best for me to do, because obviously keeping contact with her means that she will be still thinking about me and she won't forget me that easily. Thanks Link to comment
ca07 Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 I've read the article, I can certainly say some of these things apply to her. However some don't. I think we are closer to her wanting to get back together with me than her meeting someone new. Fortunately she didn't get a rebound after our break up, as a matter of fact she hasn't gone out at all. (its been 7 weeks now). However, her intentions I think completely match with what is said in the thread you sent me, like wanting to be alone, looking what its like to be alone...ect ect. I feel she has come a long way from the first days after we broke up, where she didn't want to see/talk/or know anything about me. Now she actually wants to know about me, calls me, and looks more interested in my than before. The fact that she says she doesn't know what will happen in the future might be a good sign as well. My guess is that things will progress slowly, and things will turn better or worse, only time will tell i guess. Link to comment
DaveTrump Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Hi, She's just using you as a fall back guy incase her plans wither and die. You deserve better than 2nd place. Show her what you're made of. Link to comment
ca07 Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 Should I stop answering her calls then? Or should I continue to talk to her? I believe that as long as we continue to talk, she wont forget me, as I said I will be moving to her city in 2-3 months time, I believe that will change things a lot. However, I definitely don't want to be her fallback guy, as you say, I deserve better than that. Link to comment
yankeefan74 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 She's not going to forget you whether you talk to her or not. Follow the advice already given - my ex did this to me and it tore me apart. You're going to be moving closer to her, if she wants you the way you want her, she will come after you. Accepting anything less will just lead to a whole lot of pain for you. Link to comment
ca07 Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 She's not going to forget you whether you talk to her or not. Follow the advice already given - my ex did this to me and it tore me apart. You're going to be moving closer to her, if she wants you the way you want her, she will come after you. Accepting anything less will just lead to a whole lot of pain for you. I think what you're saying will be best for me, especially after yours and others past experiences, I will not say anything to her, won't call, email or anything, if she call's i'll answer but I won't act as if i'm thrilled to hear from her, i'll just act as if any other friend was calling, then hopefully she'll realize I won't be sticking around forever. Link to comment
servedcold Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 She's using you to wean herself off you while she finds (or solidifies) another relationship. People who care about you won't leave you in limbo like this. Best to move on and stop letting her waste your time. Link to comment
ca07 Posted February 20, 2009 Author Share Posted February 20, 2009 If she swears to me that she will not get involved with anyone else, that right now she need time and wants to continue to talk to me so that we don't forget each other, should I believe her? We were together for 4 yrs, always had a very honest relationship and she is a very well rounded person, with good morals and values. She's 25 and has only had 2 bf, one of them when she was 16 which lasted 1.5 yrs and then it was was me. Do you guys think that even if she says those things to me she can actually change her mind and do something which will hurt me because of not losing contact with her? What would you do? Should I believe her? Link to comment
DN Posted February 20, 2009 Share Posted February 20, 2009 I think she needs to deal with the consequences of losing you - which is that you won't be there as her friend because eventually you will find someone else. At the moment she has what she wants but that is no good for you. Let her know what it will be like without you in her life - and she will either move on or come back. That is what you need to know. Link to comment
ca07 Posted February 20, 2009 Author Share Posted February 20, 2009 Thanks for your response, it totally makes sense, i'll let her go. Link to comment
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