Delusional Kisses Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 I'm 31. I've never had a relationship. The thought sends me into an all out panic. I try...I really do. I flirt, I get asked out and then I panic and refuse to follow through. My sister said its because I'm still "waiting" for my best friend....which in a way is true, I suppose, but I've had this problem before I ever met him. He just happens to be the one person that I've ever met that I would consider committing to....and yet, if I dig deep, I think I would panic and ruin it even if he were to ask. How can I stop this? I'm afraid I'll spend my life alone. Link to comment
scaruff Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 I'm in the same boat. Yours lives 600 miles away and mine lives 1000 miles away. I'm three years older than you and this has been going on for five years. It's the uncertainty that gets me. I saw him recently and he asked me to be in a relationship with him. Afraid of rejection, I haven't officially given him my answer yet. I want to say yes, but I am scared.... Link to comment
Delusional Kisses Posted February 16, 2009 Author Share Posted February 16, 2009 I'm in the same boat. Yours lives 600 miles away and mine lives 1000 miles away. I'm three years older than you and this has been going on for five years. It's the uncertainty that gets me. I saw him recently and he asked me to be in a relationship with him. Afraid of rejection, I haven't officially given him my answer yet. I want to say yes, but I am scared.... Don't be scared!!!! Do it! Jump in with both feet. We only live once. I know, I know....I have no room to give advice, but I'm serious! Do it....tell him yes. Link to comment
meteorstrike Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 Do you guys feel like you're settling or haven't met the right one? What do you think is the problem? I'm afraid I have fallen for a girl like this. Link to comment
sombersun Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 This post confuses me... What is the problem again? 31 and never been in a relationship?? What?! Link to comment
Delusional Kisses Posted February 16, 2009 Author Share Posted February 16, 2009 Yeah...31 and never been in a relationship. I've been with men...dated, I guess. I spent 7 months practically living with a man, but I NEVER once said we were in a relationship. We were "friends" only and I made sure everyone knew that when they mistaked it for something else. The word "relationship" practically causes a heart attack on my part. I can't say I know exactly what the problem is. I've been called cold, detached, unemtional. I do not consider myself any of these things. I will admit that I am fiercly independent and I like things casual. I've been in love...more than once actually. I fear rejection. I fear abandonment, but I am not clingy in the slightest. I start talking to a guy and I can feel myself starting to pull away the moment things get the slightest bit more serious than I care to get. Link to comment
scaruff Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 Do you guys feel like you're settling or haven't met the right one? What do you think is the problem? I'm afraid I have fallen for a girl like this. I don't think I am settling-I just think that I may see him in the a different light than he actually is. I have a fear that maybe I like him more than he likes me and that he's settling. I fear rejection. I fear abandonment, but I am not clingy in the slightest. I start talking to a guy and I can feel myself starting to pull away the moment things get the slightest bit more serious than I care to get. This sounds exactly how I feel. I'm three years older than DK and I've never been in a relationship either. Link to comment
sombersun Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 Partner Engul - avoider and distancer selves - fear of engulfment The ‘inner selves’ that encourage Engul to stay out of intimacy developed from early experiences of being engulfed by control or smothered with over-protection. In fact when they are feeling engulfed, people like Engul may feel a form of terror, similar to that of being physically smothered and need to create physical distance to reduce the fear. People like Engul are usually the product of a family where mother or father or both were either over controlling, or too close and too clingy. That is why Engul developed inner selves that avoid and resist closeness and intimacy and are also capable of blocking control by Aban. But distancing, avoiding and resisting control is what is going to trigger Aban's childhood fear of being too alone (abandonment issues) and insecurity about lack of permanency in the relationship (powerless and not good enough issues). The result is a toxic cycle of abandonment and engulfment that goes nowhere. link removed Link to comment
Delusional Kisses Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 Somberson, Thank you so much for that link. It really hit home. Now, how to a change such a vicious cycle? I think I will only lose someone that I love more than anything...someone that I truly feel like I was meant to be with. He has been with me through this cycle more than I care to mention and has always taken my distancing and such in stride, but how long can a person really take that? In my heart of hearts, I believe that this man loves me, but I am afraid to say that he may have similar relationship issues as I have. Link to comment
sombersun Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 I found this one which describes a solution... best of luck link removed Link to comment
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