emotional abuse?

[sandrawg]

I just gotta ask--are you getting anything GOOD out of this relationship at all? Cuz it sounds to me like he has you tied up in knots and you are feeling bad about yourself.

 

A GOOD relationship will build your self-esteem and make you feel good about yourself, not bad. A mature, non-abusive person will acknowledge his role in your problems and accept accountability. A mature, non-abusive person will listen to you and try to take your wants/needs into account.

 

My ex-ex...everything was about him and what he wanted. He couldn't care less about my wants/needs. He wouldn't even listen to me. When I had a problem or issue I wanted to bring up, he would say "I don't want to talk about YOUR problems right now."

 

Everytime something bad happened to him, like with his toxic horrible mother treating him like dirt, which was 99 percent of the time, it was somehow MY fault.

 

He was trying to hook up with other women on the side. I found out by reading his email, which he left open. Of course, he blamed me for that-he said my jealousy was out of control.

 

Your guy sounds excessively unable to look at his own s**t. How on EARTH can be blame his cheating on YOU? Do you not see how ridiculous of an argument that is? Unless you took a gun and pointed it to his head and said, sleep with that girl, there's NO way he can blame it on you. He needs to accept responsibility for his transgressions and until he can do that, you will NEVER have a healthy relationship.

 

That is nothing more than shifting accountability so that he doesn't have to look like an a**hole.

 

I suspect that he is very similar to my ex and that you would be better off walking and avoiding this guy like the plague. It's not as hard as you think it is right now when you're in the thick of it. Eventually, you will be glad you left. I am!!! I am so relieved not to have that pain and hurt in my life anymore.

 

I remember nights of driving around in circles, crying, just because he said or did something that cut right through me. Thank god I don't have to do that anymore. I'd rather be totally alone with no friends or family than with someone who tears me down and makes me feel like junk all the time.

 

i hope the therapy starts to help, i really do. do you think you can ever trust or love her now given your history? this is something i struggle with, too, with my ex.

 

other people have started calling his behavior abusive - i guess i have even used the term once or twice, but i always thought it was something i had to endure... something i had to persist through. i guess i felt like it was my problem, not his in a lot of ways.

[Anyway]

... but the abuse lasted for 2.5 years of a 5 year relationship and she abuses everyone in her family (except her father who treats her like crap) so it is really difficult to believe that it will ever get better.

 

It will take a lot of time for her to get better...if it will ever happen. "Daddy issues" (sorry for that word) might be the source for serious mental health problems. Protect yourself and get out before you get damaged.

[Up and Down]

To the original poster, it sounds like your ex is abusive and is not willing to take any accountability for his actions....most abusers don't. They are good at projecting how they feel unto others...it will drive you crazy.

 

Read this, it should help identify red flags for you:

 

link removed

[Seymore]

it feels like he takes the complaints i have about his behavior, then he twists them and makes stuff up about how i cause him to feel that way. sometimes i feel like i'm going crazy... is that in line with emotional abuse, or does this just happen when couples fight?

 

Been there. It feels terrible. I could just be having a normal conversation, polite and friendly, and she'd find something I said and turn it around on me like I attacked her. Eventually, she got ME to feel like I did something wrong, when deep down I never meant anything but good. It got to the point where it would ruin our day. I'd ask a simple question and get cursed at sometimes, then wind up apologizing because I wasn't clear enough. I got sick of apologizing - I could have the same conversation with a friend (or stranger for that matter) and get a nice, mature response without having to pick and choose my words.

 

Texting, too. I'd have to be extra careful and place all the words in just the right order as to make POSITIVE it couldn't be interpreted wrong, then read each text multiple times to make double positive. She'd still twist those words around.

 

I got the hell out of that relationship. It's a pain in the behind to think for 5 minutes (sometimes longer, and I'm not kidding) about how you're going to say one sentence out of fear you'll inadvertently start a fight. It's emotionally exhausting. And bringing up an issue you may have with the other person/relationship? Please. It's a no-win situation, and that's not how relationships should work.

[homeagain]

I got the hell out of that relationship. It's a pain in the behind to think for 5 minutes (sometimes longer, and I'm not kidding) about how you're going to say one sentence out of fear you'll inadvertently start a fight. It's emotionally exhausting. And bringing up an issue you may have with the other person/relationship? Please. It's a no-win situation, and that's not how relationships should work.

 

 

so how do i know if this is me or if this is him/us? if it were me, i would not notice it, right? i'm so scared that if this is me, i'll be doomed to this sort of interaction forever. i hate it, i hate myself, and i feel like i'm constantly answering to someone who picks intentionally terrible fights about... nothing.

 

kudos to you for getting out, seymore. it is exhausting and you're right, i can't bring anything up to him without it being a nuclear exchange... you're strong to have walked away!

[Seymore]

I'm human, you're human. We all have the strength, we just need to utilize it. Fear is what kept me in that relationship for 15 long, LONG months.

 

You'll think that it's you. That's how an emotional abuser intends it to be. Then you feel worthless, like you've got the problem, and you feel lucky to have someone who will tolerate you. Baloney. Leave. It's manipulative and more scary...it's working. He's already got you in his grip. The longer you stay, the harder it gets to leave.

 

Since you're human, and I believe we are all capable of the same strength, I have to say that I believe in you. You don't know me, but I do believe in you. Please, free yourself of this hell. Relationships are a struggle at times, yes...but they should never be THIS type of struggle. This type of struggle is based off a severe lack of respect, respect being one of the cornerstones of a loving relationship.