annoying parents?

[farfalla]

So my boyfriend's (we've been engaged since late Nov.) sister was down all week visiting (she lives in a different State and we live in the same State as his parents) however she comes down every year, between 1-2 times a year.

 

Say she was here 6 days, we saw her 5 out of six. So on her last day I had to have my 4 wisdom teeth unexpectedly taken out as they were giving me problems.

 

I was in so much pain for a while, kind of out of it, couldn't speak, still kind of can't (and surgery was yesterday), and wanted to be taken care of as naturally most people would by their SO.

 

My fiance's mom calls him to ask him why we were not coming over..He tells her I had to have all my four wisdom teeth removed and she was like "well you can't come over for one hour?" he nicely told her he needed to stay with me and she goes "WHY ISN'T HER MOTHER TAKING CARE OF HER" and he said "her mother? that;s what im here for"...she kept asking where my mother was?

 

Long story short she threw a fit, she didn't let him say goodbye to his sister and ruined our entire night.

 

We are both 23 and have been together since we were 16-17. His family knows we're engaged and know how serious we are. We've been living together for 2.5 years. I take care of him and they see it bc they force us to see them every weekend so when they come over they see that I'm glued to the kitchen at all times making him healthy yummy meals to save us money and feed him right (my b.f is a diabetic). I literally take care of just about everything our home.

 

NOT ONCE since we told them we got engaged have they asked if there are any plans coming along or anything. All they said was "congratulations"..

 

Idk if I'm in the wrong but I was hurt that they his mother knew that I, his wife to be, and partner of almost 6 years had just had surgery and she was putting him in a position to choose between staying with me helping me or her being pissed at him for not leaving me and going over.

 

This is not the first time she throws tantrums over ridiculous things but this is the first time where I've been in the gutter and needed my man next to me. Suddenly they fail to recognize how I do everything for their son and how good of a job I do at taking care of him.

 

I feel just completely over them and have no desire to see them or hear about them. I feel bad for my boyfriend bc it's not fair to have him put in a position where some of the most important ppl in your life don't get along. Im just so tired of this . Of his mothers antics. I hate that I never have anyone to vent to bc if I told my sister or mom half the stuff his mother has ever pulled they would hate her. I feel bad when I tell my close friends bc they ask how I put up with her.

 

My bf is a great guy and I love knowing he's in my life but every time his mother gets in the way it becomes too much.

 

Am I wrong for being upset?

[agent1607307371]

Suddenly they fail to recognize how I do everything for their son and how good of a job I do at taking care of him.

 

It doesn't sound "suddenly" at all to me, it sounds like not recognising you is a basic part of her relationship with her son and you.

[KG]

Mothers can be very controlling...you are not in the wrong. If anything, they owe you an aplogy.

[farfalla]

you're absolutely right, just after having surgery and seeing that reaction towards me, and our relationship...idk i felt so much anger towards her. im at my wits end with her and i hate seeing my boyfriend put in this position.

 

i resent her so much for all those things and i think last night was just the last bit i could take.

[farfalla]

she would never apologize to me...ever..

 

i just don't know. my mom is so respectful of our time and our decisions. if we say no she says "whatever you guys want hunnie you guys make your decisions as a couple"

 

i dont know how i'll ever deal with them.

[rosephase]

Well, I don't know about other times, but I do know for some people having there wisdom teeth out isn't that bad. And I could understand being upset if you are losing a chance to see the whole family, if you only get that once or twice a year. But still you would think if he explained it she would at least try and understand.

 

It could be that you started your relationship so young. Sometimes parents have a hard time taking young love seriously. Even if you have been together a long time she might still think of you as high school students.

 

I don't know how to fix that except maybe sit down with your boyfriends mom and tell her what you've told us. Tell her how her actions make you feel.

[farfalla]

well in my case it's been pretty rough. I was useless yesterday and since I had to drive home immediately after surgery the Dr. made it clear that once I got home I needed to keep calm. I had all four taken out and it hasn't been a picnic, I mean I still can't open my mouth, barely eating and still bleeding - so I haven't been so lucky.

 

I understand that she really wanted him there, but when he nicely told her that he needed to take care of me she should have let it be. We saw them all together every single day except for last night. You can be upset and say "I would have really liked you to come but..." not say it that way.

 

As far as sitting down with her and talking? Yeah right...that's why this has gone on this long. Last time we tried talking to her about a mysterious HUGE hole in our wall that was made while we were on vacation and she had stayed at our apartment, she FLIPPED OUT crying saying "HOW DARE YOU ASK ME I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AND YOU'RE BLAMING ME, HOW DARE YOU"...all we said was "hey how'd that happened?" ...So this is the kind of person we're dealing with...and this is just ONE of many occasions where she reacts like a 4 yr old pouting.

 

I guess I accepted this when I accepted my bf? *sigh

[ComputerGuy]

I think your BF needs to man up and put his parents in their place tbh. I would NOT take that crap from my parents towards my girlfriend nor would I take it towards my property (Referring to the hole in the wall).

 

Maybe she is immature and very defensive but that's not your problem and nor should it be, he needs to sit her down, tell her that this behaviour is unacceptable and to grow up.

 

As for the comment on where your mum is? You're 23 for crying out loud, you have a fiance, that's what HIS job is as your significant other...not your parents. Im sure neither your fiance or his mum would be happy if YOU took off to see your family when he needed looking after and you just told his mum that it's her problem not yours.

[farfalla]

thanks! yeah I couldn't agree more. She's very immature and throws outrageous tantrums here and there.

 

His dad called him to apologize and said she was crazy and that he felt really bad. He said I had every right to be upset and was very sorry. It's not his dad's fault, but I will be okay the day she sincerely apologizes to me (which may never happen)

 

Ive told my boyfriend he needs to learn how to deal with it and he knows it too. He's just the nice push over guy but he knows people will only take so much...so he's stepping up to the plate. Right now they're not speaking to eachother (my fiance and his mom) which makes me sad but it's her fault.

 

You sound like you're a great guy! Thanks for your advice!! I agree with you, I wouldn't ever let my mom get that way but fortunately I have an amazing mother who knows where everyones place is. I'm glad she's that way bc it shows my boyfriend how a mother should behave and he says it all the time.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I guess I accepted this when I accepted my bf? *sigh

 

 

Not really.

 

When you get with someone, you are with THEM not their family so you really don't have to put up with it. If she is that horrible just avoid them at all costs and I know easier said than done but ignore everything she says and don't let it bother you.

 

 

My exes mom was that way with me, she hated me with a passion (of course now we aren't together she loves me but whatever sometimes moms or parents in general can't realize that their children are no longer 'theirs' anymore. Sometimes they get over, other times they don't. You just learn to ignore them.

[farfalla]

see that's what I used to think. I used to think you married the person not the family...but the family is a part of that person and they will be forever. I can't just ignore her every time. He needs to learn how to handle these situations, and he's done well this time.

 

She'll never change, and I no longer feel like I should just let it go. I've let it go for almost 6 years and it's to the point where it's causing problems in our relationship and that is when I draw the line. She needs to realize that she is only causing her son to alianate her by her actions.

 

She throws fits and guilt trips to tormet him but by now they've no effect, if anything it makes him resent her more and more. I don't necessarily feel that she hates me, she just hates when ANYTHING doesn't go her way. She does this with his father, with other family, with people in general. She's like a spoiled brat who throws tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants when she wants it.

 

i.e.: she hasn't worked since she had her children (almost 30 yrs ago)...she doesn't cook, she doesn't clean, has a house full of clutter, she doesn't really help out at all. The dad does everything. If my boyfriend ever mentions the fact that maybe she should get a job or help out his dad she FLIPS OUT and starts crying and starts saying that he doesnt appreciate anything she's ever done and how she raised him bla bla bla bla.

 

I'm just over her. He's over her. She's his dads problem now. She's never said sorry to anyone. No problem. I won't see you 'til then.