day 50 of no contact for me

[luckystar]

today is day 50.....i feel much better than i did awhile back.....my ex has contacted me three times....on day 28, 45, and 46.........i replied to all of her contacts, but was happy, calm and cool in them.....i was asked to get together sometime soon for a bite to eat.....

 

i consider myself still in no contact since i have not initiated anything...and i plan to be up here in the next month or so with a very inspiring success story....i cant write it yet....but in due time it will happen....as long as i play my cards right....i will get the love of my life back and will share the experience with those here.....you can bet that when i do get her back, all the mistakes i made in the relationship prior will not be repeated

 

this is a big roller coaster ride and you have to just try and wait out the ups and downs.....i have no set date yet to meet the ex for lunch but am confident it will come sooner than later.....

 

good luck to all

[spatzcolumbo]

So Luckystar, would your advice be to contact the ex in a cool, calm way if they initiate during no contact

[luckystar]

and for you skeptics of the no contact rule......if i would have contacted her anytime throughout this whole process...i would NOT be in the position i am right now with an opportunity to see her, have her contacting me and would not be emotionally ready to resume a relationship that i hope to last a lifetime....

 

you must blindly believe it will work.....it is hard....i am a person who is impatient....i always want answers right away.....i like to have reasoning behind what i do....and this was a leap of faith and taking advice of others that i was not sure would work.....i did it anyways......and i am 100% convinced if i would have done otherwise...my chances would have decreased significantly....

[luckystar]

my first email reply was nice, but only two sentences and a bit standoffish....she didnt send me another email for awhile but i suspect it is because she was shocked that i didnt give her something to feed off of and i stated things were going well.....and actually many people thought the email was a tad bit impersonal.....but that was the plan....

 

she sent me another one 17 days later.....i replied with a little more niceness and more info about what i was up to, but still no neediness.....

 

she replied soon after and i sent another one back that was a bit standoffish again...but still nice in nature.....basically.....happy, but calm and cool at the same time.....

 

when i post my story in a month or so....i will give specific details that i cant give now because i would be getting ahead of myself.....although some may think i already am.......

 

now the ball is back in her court to set up the meeting date/time.....

[determined]

Luckystar

 

I loved your post, its already inspiring, im on week 2 and 2 days of no contact after 3 moths of push and pull from both sidea whilst she was seeing another guy. Im now 3 hrs away from her on a train but will be in the same city in Sept.

 

I have come this far (although it may not seem much to your 50 days) and I'm starting to worry she wont contact me, she'll regard the distance an excuse not to bother, she wont be thinking of me due to this new loser.

 

I'll follow you mate in your conquest and stick to no contact, but is it normal to have these feelings around the 2nd week of nothing, not even a peep on valentines day (i took this as a major bad sign) please advise

[luckystar]

i almost gave up on day 12 and 26 so hang in there.....it is the hardest thing i have ever done.....

 

i know you want to give in but you cant......i do not think it is wise to ignore contacts from your ex when they come......how you reply will determine your fate in the situation....

 

i thought she wouldnt contact me either......but it happened.....you have to have blind faith....that is all i can say....

 

things that helped me make it through to this point:

 

1. a really close friend to talk to when i was down that wouldnt judge me

2. wellbutrin

3. weekly meeting with a counselor

4. the book "Bonds that set us free"

5. one to two "Al Anon" meetings a week

6. working out every day i can....i have lost 26 pounds in two months and now have a six pack that she has never seen (i went from a 38 waist to a 33 waist and she is gonna be SHOCKED when she sees me)

 

 

al anon for me is not about dealing with an alcoholic friend or relative but it helped me IMMENSELY and am still going....i cant stress this enough....if you can force yourself to go to 6 meetings....your life will improve greatly....i dont talk when i am there....i just go in and listen.....then i leave....

[determined]

whoa, not sure I can do all that, I work in London from 8.45 am till 7.30 - 8.00pm. However I have noticed I'm smoking and drinkinh twice as much as normal.

 

Is your ex with anyone else? If so how do you manage to have the blind faith without ever dwindling? It's very strong of you

[luckystar]

i do not believe she is with anyone else...which helps....but i see where you are coming from with a lack of time....but even doing a few of those things will help....

 

willpower....you have to believe that you can get through it....and fight for your ex.....

 

when i say fight for you ex.....i mean by NOT contacting her/him....that in itself is fighting for them...but in a different way than most would suggest you do such as flowers, gifts, begging, etc..etc...

 

whenever i wanted to give in and contact her.....i would convince myself that by doing so would be giving up on her.....which is exactly the opposite of what many no contact skeptics believe.....so i decided i was NOT going to give up......so i used it as motivation in the gym to get in shape....she isnt going to know what hit her....her mouth will drop and my charm is going to bring her back....she still loves me....i know this for a fact....how i know, i will not post until a later date....but i cant be the one to go running to her.....she has to convince herself to come back to me for it to be successful for both of us

[kathyk]

I hope all goes well. i am female. i ended a relationship because i thought that he wanted out. i am waiting to see if he will contact me. this sight is wonderful. it sure helps to move on. did you end your relationship? clue me in on all of this

thank you

kathyk

[luckystar]

heck no....i did not end the relationship......if i did, i wouldnt be trying so hard to get her back

[kathyk]

WHO WAS THE FIRST TO CONTACT WHO. SEE I ASK MY EX TO LEAVE BUT WE WERE VERY ANGRY AT ONE ANOTHER. I AM NOW ANGRY AT HIM BECAUSE I FEEL HE SHOULD CALL ME. DID YOU CALL HER FIRST?

[luckystar]

i did some neediness type of stuff for the first month and then told her i cant heal if we keep contacting each other, so then the no contact began.....and she has done EVERY bit of initiating since.....on day 28, 45, 46, and now again today to ask about the day to go to lunch....i am responding, but not initiating....i will eventually initiate at some point, but by then, i will already have her where i feel we'll be back together soon

[danimal77]

Lucky Star,

 

I broke down tonight and I called her. It was 12 days and when she first heard my voice, she immediately hung up and then I called back and she answered the phone and stayed on and asked me why I called her. I remained calm and talked to her like a man and not like a baby. She immediately told me that she's not there for me and no longer will be and she's moving on and that I can't hurt her anymore, like I used to, because she won't allow it. I didn't argue and I didn't disagree with her once, which left her silent. She then accused me of calling her up on Valentine's day and then hanging up, of which I didn't do. She actually believed me. I was surprised. It must have been the confidence in my voice. She even told me, if I'm asking if there's another guy, the answer is no and I said to her, that that's the last thing on my mind. She was once again speechless, but stood her ground very well. I on the other hand, mentioned to her, that I started chatting on line, with other women, which is bullshit. She's the one who's been doing that, not me. This left her silent again. It obviously made her think to herself. She kept asking me why I called her, almost expecting me to say that I miss her and love and you know what? I didn't say either of the above. She was in a hurry to go to class and couldn't talk, so I thanked her for listening to me and I then said, would it be possible if we talk some more, because I value her firendship, above anything else and she then quckly said, if you're asking if we could remain friends, the answer is no and then I said, that's not what I'm saying. I was leaving her very confused and she didn't hear me begging her to stay, or come back to her and this shocked her. I just know it. I asked her if we could talk later on tonight, when she gets back from her class and she asked me why? I said because I just want to and then she asked me why again and I answered her, because I just want to. She said for me to email her and I said that I don't do emails anymore and she said that she would call me after her class. I said very calmly bye and let go, without a struggle or fight, which is usually unheard of. Any feedback? Is she testing the water with me, for any reactions and did I do well and what do I do now, if she doesn't call me back? What do I think and how I do I proceed? One thing, the 12 days I hadn't called, allowed her to talk to me on the phone, where 12 days ago, she wouldn;t have given me that chance. What could another 2 weeks do. Her mention of moving on, is far from a lie. She is definitely dating and planning to move away, but part of me knows, that she is trying to be tough with me, but the calmer I was with her and the more I agreed with her and didn't argue, or keep her on the phone, or even beg her, the more she seemed to be secretely impressed. What should I do now? How shall I proceed? Did I screw it up. I know that if I would have waited another week, she would have probably been even more intrigued. Help please?

[Michael2]

Nope you didnt do well. You gave in and called her, a big no no in the realm of no contact.

 

She is hurting, she is in pain and you are only putting that all in a blender again. She may act tough, but trust me , she is hurting, but her anger is what is poking its head.

 

She is pulling away from you, and you know this.

 

If you truly want her back, do not call her and make the mistake I and many have. Stop it man, you are going to drive her nuts, and as a result she will resent you.

 

She will contact you again, I promise. Until then leave her alone.

[danimal77]

Why does it have to be this hard though? When I used to screw up in the past, I would always apologize, buy her flowers and she would always cave in and come back, but she is adament on not wanting to be hurt again. She is hurting inside. I know it to be true. I did cave in, but she never thought that I could even hold out for 12 days. Dude, how could she come back, if she is now dating and planning to move to New York, to get over the bad memories. What would make this girl do a 180? You fall in love with someone, because there are things about that person that are so appealing to you, but when you end it, you just don't look back, otherwise, you wouldn't have left that person in the first place. A buddy of mine lost his ex and she started dating another guy and a year later, he has made no contact and neither has she. Another buddy of mine, is on 3 years, with no contact. How can this rule be so effective, if all it ends up doing, is to get us stronger to move on from the lost love and get over her/him? We truly forget, when we meet someone else and so do they. I didn't beg her tonight and I'm damn proud of that. Yes, I caved in, yes, but I don't believe that I left a bad taste in her mouth and definitely not resentment. It clarified to her that I am more than just "surviving" without her and that I'm still alive and am not begging for her return, but am just calling, because she was on my mind. This will not lead to resentment in my book. It will perhaps be the best test of all, because she said she would call me tonight, while I know fully well, that she won't, but what she doesn't know, is that I won't call her back. She is expecting me to call her back, of which I won't. This will confuse her, not really knowing why I called her in the first place. I didn't mention love, or I miss her and now I'm not following up with another call. She'll be thinking about this for days and maybe even weeks. Asking herself, "why didn't he beg me? why didn't he cry? why didn't he call me back, after I didn't call him back? Is he really changing? Is he really chatting with other women? Is he getting stronger? Does he not need me anymore? Am I making a mistake? Could I be wrong about him?" Guys, your feedback would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[Michael2]

You have to ask yourself this question. Do you want to be with someone who doesnt want to be with you.

 

The no contact rule, the basic principle of it, is not to WIN the other back. But to heal yourself . Life is a pain in the you know what. SOmetimes you just have to suck it up and chalk this one up to a lose. I know you dont want to hear this , but its the truth.

 

For all the examples you gave me, I can spew out a half dozen showing how the no contact made the other party reconsider there actions. But I never once said that these parties got back together.

 

If she doesnt call you back, then you were never meant to be. Thats really all it comes down to. I know you want her back, but you have no choice in this matter. You call her, you look like a sucker with his thumb in his mouth, you dont call her, you let her heal and you let her realize things. Thats the thing man, you have no choice but not to contact her. Know why, because its not up to YOU anymore. Its hard for people to realize this, especially after a breakup. People arent clay, you cant mold them into what you think they should be.

 

An email, No. call her, NO, write her NO, smoke signals NO. Just because this happened to her in the past doesnt mean it will again. My ex played this bull crap games. SHe was the one who wouldnt accept my calls. Well guess what man, the tables are turned! They call back, if they dont, then they arent worth your tears nor time.You are young, so am I, we have so much to offer others .

[luckystar]

let me put it bluntly.....your chances just went from about 50% in getting her back all the way down to about 20% with that phone call.....keep it up and it will be zero before you know it.....

 

blind faith.....do it or lose her forever.....that is all i am going to say....if you cannot read all the stuff people are saying about how no contact works, and still not listen....then it is what you deserve......buck up...be a man...leave her alone and take care of yourself....read this post of mine....can you not see what is happening with me????

 

i now have a lunch date with her for this friday AT HER REQUEST!!!!!!!!

 

that should be convincing enough....if not....then i dont know what is

[Michael2]

Listen to lucky star. You know how many people told me what I am telling you, a crap load. Guess what. I didnt listen. Its a natural instinct. You trick yourself, you get scared. Dont be afraid to listen to what we have to say. Im afraid if you dont things wont turn out the way you want them to.

[jclaam]

Hey danimal77,

 

I know this is really hard for you to recognize all this. If you really want to get her back. Please stop all contact. I know it goes against all your rational thoughts. Listen to what Michael2 / Luckystar. I think we are just really trying to get you to realize that. The most important thing is whether you get her back or not. The most important thing right now is for you to heal. I know the no contact has been really difficult. I am on day 40 of no contact. I am feeling great however like everyone else on this board. I have my moments that I get depressed and break down. I really wanted to call or send her something for Valentine's day. But I told myself why set myself up for getting hurt. To be honest with you. I get downed on myself and ask that why haven't she call me. Does she still think about me or not? How about all those things that she said to me, were they all just in myth or fact? I wonder all these things, but I told myself that is going to be okay because it is. Do you know why? Take charge your life and be strong for youself. I hope everything goes well for you. I also want to say is that congrats to luckystar on your day 50 of no contact and also to Michael2, hang in there buddy. Hopefully your ex will come to her sense and leave you alone.

 

jclaam

[danimal77]

Guys!!!

 

She actually called me back. I $%$% you not!!! She called me, just when a water pipe burst in my kitchen and I could barely even hear what she was saying to me. She called me to tell me that she was tired and that she was going to go to sleep, but she sounded so sweet. Like a friend, you know? Not like my sweetie, who was all lovey dovy, but like a friend. She actually called me. She didn't have to. I didn't beg her to. I was calm this afternoon and she actually called. I told her about my water leak in my kitchen and she told me to just calm down and call the plumber. I told her not to worry and I'll be okay and I said: "maybe we'll talk to each other soon" and she said sure. I said sleep well and she thanked me and said goodnight. This is a breakthrough. She felt no pressure from me and because of that, she picked up the phone. WOW!!! You guys all doubted me, no? I'm not saying she's in love with me, but if I take this slow and don't cave in again, she will realize that I am changing and by the way Lucky Star, I've dropped 15 pounds myself. She could have called me back to check up on the water leak, but that's more than okay that she didn't. I honestly didn't expect her to call and 2 weeks ago, she wouldn't have. She could have called me to want to talk tonight, but she chose to say that she's tired. Could be true, could be an excuse, but I take it as a test. Because the old me, would have made her feel bad, to not want to talk with me, but tonight, with exception to the water burst, she sensed that I was so much more understanding and we ended up saying goodnight in a soft way. I WILL NOT CONTACT HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you. Feel free to comment.

[luckystar]

tomorrow is day 1 all over again for you......dont get too excited.....keep a goal of 60 days and do it!! I guarantee she will be calling before then....but maybe not for awhile, so relax, take care of yourself and know that you are doing the right thing....if you break down and contact her again....you will lose more of your chances of getting her back...

[luckystar]

also....you are WAY too excited about her call.......i can tell you without knowing either of you.....that it meant NOTHING in the whole scheme of things....so get over it and move on.....as time goes by....things will work themselves out....

[danimal77]

LuckyStar,

 

I hear what you're saying man, but I'll tell you, when I used the "I love you" approach and the "I miss you" approach and cried and begged, she seemed so much stronger and it gave her the power to say no Dan, get over me. It's actually quite funny, how her first instinct today on the phone, was to tell me that she's not there for me anymore and no longer will be and all I said in return, was that I'm doing fine and that's not my intention for the call and you know what?, she was silent after that. She no longer felt that unwanted pressure, which made her have to leave me in the first place. I suffocated her in the relationship and doubted her loyalty, etc...... Today, I was calm, cool and collected, as the day I was, when I first met her. She fell in love with me for a reason, right? She kept on telling me how happy she was for me and that I can apply it to the nest relationship and I kept ignoring her when she said that. It was actually quite funny. Anyways, the reason I'm excited about her calling me back, is because I see this as a breaktrhough. It is only 1% of where I would like to be, but it's 1% more of an effort on her part, than she has made in the last 2 weeks. She called me back 2-3 weeks ago, 2 times, because she thought that I was helpless. It was done out of pity, but today, she called me back, not just because she's a decent person, but because she didn't want to close that door completely again and that water valve burst at the right moment. It's freaky actually. I was supposed to be distracted and not available at that moment. I see this as baby steps, and not in getting back to where we were, but trying to rebuild my self-respect and trust and this will only be revealed with time. If she meets another guy, fine. If she moves away, fine. I know that she's not over me, even though this is what she wants me to believe and what she is now trying desperately to convince herself of. I, Dan, am on a mission, to improve myself, while not losing hope or faith. I won over her love and affection 16 months ago, while she was in the midst of a bad breakup. Today, I have competition, but I am only really competing againt my worst rival and that's myself. She told me that I didn't lose her to another man, but to myself. She's dating other men, but her heart is still with me and today's phone call, shook her and that girl, if not interested at all and didn't want to lead me on whatsoever, would have not called me back at 11:40pm. It's positive and so is my attitude. Nothing in life is ever too late, if you believe. Peace.