My situation seems unique...any help

[fire_starter]

Sorry, this might be a long one because I have been reading on here for 6 months but I think this is my first post. This has all been in my head and I need to let it out, so please don't hesitate to read. Here is the story:

 

Me and my girlfriend were together for 1.5 years, and the time we spent together has been amazing. We are very good at communicating with each other about everything, including our problems. The only thing she ever said that was negatively affecting our relationship had to do with me. On occasion, I would drink a little too much alcohol when going out, and she would be very upset with me. My personality would completely 180 when getting to a certain point, and I would not act like myself (obnoxious, disrespectful, etc) I didn't happen too often, but I guess often enough to bother her...even though it was usually when I was out with my guy friends and she wasn't around.

 

She mentioned while we together that she thought I needed to talk to someone about it, but I truly thought it was just something I could change on my own. Well, back in June of this year, it happened when I was out with my buddies and she didn't find out about it until the next morning after one of my friends said I was pretty drunk...she stormed out of my place, as she said she was pissed and mentioned she couldn't do this anymore.

 

I knew I needed to go see someone about this, so I started going to counseling for it to figure out why sometimes I would get like this, but the majority of the time I was fine. She completely shut down for a week and seemed to lock herself at home to think and be alone, with really no contact to anyone. I knew I needed to talk to someone and immediately started going to counseling. Over the next 3 weeks, we had LC, and the things that were said between us seemed like we were going to eventually reconcile; however, shortly after she seemed more distant/cold. She kept telling me she didn't know what to do...so I said "I'm in love with you, I want to be with you..when you figure out what you want, let me know...but I can't be in contact with you in between because I feel like I was just being held at arms length."

 

We ended up going 3.5 months of NC. During this time, I continued to see the counselor and she didn't know what my problem was because everyone is different. I stopped drinking completely for the first few weeks, but she wasn't sure if my problem was a self-control issue or not. I started to occasionally over the next few months with a different approach in mind, and I had fun and never had a problem with it...so I thought that was what I needed to do in order to not have anything bad happen again.

 

She ended up trying to contact me in October, but I didn't want to deal with it because I still had all the feelings for her still there, and didn't want to keep hurting. She talked to my friend about everything and said she wanted to get back together with me. We started talking again, and I wanted to make sure it was because she wanted ME and not just to be comfortable. We decided to take it slow, but after a few dates, we were right back into it...but it felt perfect, we were both happier than ever.

 

She apologized since we were back together about how she ended the relationship, but thought it was the only way that I would have changed...I agreed with her on this. She said she tried listening to what everyone else was telling her, but her heart wanted to be with me. She even tried dating and said it was pointless because she was still in love with me. Everything has been great since we have been back together, and drinking has not been an issue at all...and we've had different occasions to drink on (friend's wedding, family parties, going out, etc)

 

Fast forward to the present...we spent the holidays together and everything was great. Then we went to one of her 'friends' weddings just after Christmas. Once getting there, it was like a high school reunion which made me uncomfortable because she spent all her time catching up with people while I was sitting on the sidelines feeling small (she did introduce me to some people, but I felt very left out of the conversations...and I'm known to be a very social person). I knew the night was not going to be fun, and I ended up getting too drunk. I don't remember everything, but I remember us fighting at the end of the night. I was mad at the situation, she was mad cause I seemed to revive the only part of me she didn't like.

 

We didn't talk the next day, but I called her the following. She was still so pissed at me and said I embarrassed her and was very obnoxious and disrespectful. I apologized like crazy and knew I needed to make another change in my life, which was cutting out alcohol completely. Even though I still saw my counselor once a month, I told her I needed and immediate appointment.

 

My girlfriend was very supportive and originally going to come with me, but then she thought it was better for me to go by myself. I made a vow to myself that if this out of control behavior happened again, I would need to just cut alcohol out of my life...which is what I am doing now, and am back to weekly counseling.

 

It seems like June all over again. It has been 2 weeks since this happened, and she again shut herself down from the world during this time. I've only had LC with her....early on it was me apologizing and telling her what my new plan of action was. We have had more normal conversations since then and just got into something a little deeper yesterday.

 

She said she doesn't know what to do. I know that she is in love with me and we have an amazing relationship...except for this one thing, but it is something that I am willing to change and in the process of changing about myself. I told her I have been following the plan since I started counseling, had a slip up, and realized I needed a new plan because the previous one(moderated drinking) only seemed to work for a few months.

 

I am going over there sometime next week to talk about things. I don't know what is going to happen, but I know that I am sticking with my plan of cutting alcohol out of my life completely...with or without her.

 

She was curious what I wanted to talk to her about when I see her in person, and I just mentioned that I am not sure where her head it at with me/us and I just wanted to see her, even if it was for the last time. She said she doesn't know what answer to give me with regard to what she needs at this point. She says she feels lost and might possibly need time on her own to figure things out, but she is unsure. She feels she is in a strange position and is very confused. She says she is just at a strange place and isn't sure what is going to be best at this point.

 

I'm not sure how to handle this. Some say that if she truly loves me, she will stand by me through everything...however, I think it is more complicated than that. She was willing to do all of this before we broke up for the first time, but I didn't take the initiative to start getting counseling while we were together originally.

 

All I know is I love this girl with everything I've got, but I have a problem that I need to deal with too. It would be so much easier to have her in my life while I start down this new path, but I'm not sure she will. Even though when we got back together and she regretted the way we separated and that she didn't want to ever have to do that again, I feel this is where we are probably headed. She even admitted that she wanted me to contact her over the summer when I felt I was doing well with everything, but I just assumed it was over so didn't see the point. I just can't go through with what we did before.

 

Has anyone had any situation like this happen to them...does anyone have any advice at all? Thanks for reading this extremely long post.

[volpe]

Hey, You can't do anything to make the situation change, other than work on yourself. I think keep up on your clean and sober lifestyle, work on yourself and that's all you can do. Afterall, your ex has a choice about if she comes back or not and there isn't anything you can say or do to change her mind. Also, I believe that changing yourself should not be based on changing her mind. It will not work, and as a woman I would not trust that in a man. I would worry that he would slip up later and then I had invested more of myself and then I am stuck in a situation I could have avoided earlier. You have to quit alcohol not for her, but for your own reasons.

 

So I would suggest to just focus on yourself and let her come back to you.... But fixing your problems is #1, your girlfriend is #2. You have to live with yourself the rest of your life no matter what, but there is no guarantee about your girlfriend, there never is...

[MissNeedles]

It is a great start to go to counseling, you are not going to be able to take control of your life until you can control the effects that alcohol has on it.

I know it is cliche but have you ever considered going to Alcoholics Anonymous?

I never wanted to go myself but once I did, I realized that the best thing about it is meeting other people that are able to live productive and social lives without the use of alcohol. Having people around you that are able to live without drinking will make it easier for you not to drink.

[fire_starter]

I agree with you on everything. I am doing this for myself as I am determined as ever and it is a priority in my life...whether she is in my life or not.

 

As I am working on myself, I would also like to try and work on our relationship, but it is up to her at this point whether or not she feels the same way. I just don't want to be hanging by a thread for all this time and have her eventually just say she can't be with me. That is why I really want to see her in person so I can ask her if she even sees any potential of us being together or not...if no, I need to let go and move on(as hard as that will be).

[fire_starter]

It is a great start to go to counseling, you are not going to be able to take control of your life until you can control the effects that alcohol has on it.

I know it is cliche but have you ever considered going to Alcoholics Anonymous?

I never wanted to go myself but once I did, I realized that the best thing about it is meeting other people that are able to live productive and social lives without the use of alcohol. Having people around you that are able to live without drinking will make it easier for you not to drink.

 

Yes, I have thought about that and my counselor suggested that it was always an option if I wanted to check it out. Although I don't feel comfortable about it right now, I am sure I will ease into it at some point.

 

I told my story to a guy I work with who says what I am going through is exactly what happened to him when he was around my age. He hasn't drank at all in 18 years and said it was the best decision he has ever made. This is very comforting to know I can talk to him about things and he will understand me completely, and I know that it is possible because of his success story.

 

Working on myself is a priority, but I know it would be easier to do it with her by my side. When we got back together she said she didn't want to leave me ever again...but now, I feel we might be right back to where we started.

 

Do you think it is wrong of people to say, "If they truly love you, they will help you through this."

 

She always said she would be supportive, but I don't know what that means...I can't just have her as a friend in my life either.