fiffy Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Hi I am struggling to get over an abusive relationship and the things I am finding hardest to get over are the little things that happened. A number of times I spent ages getting ready putting on make-up doing my hair and wearing a nice dress. Most of the time he never even noticed which hurt but when he did he would say go and put your jeans on- you would look better. These little comments and lack of noticing me seriously affected my confidence. I keep on replaying his snubs in my head and wonder what was so wrong he could never find me attractive. In the whole 2 years I never had one comment like you are gorgeous or your so beautiful. All I ever had was your too overweight and ugly you need to change. I want to move on from all this but I feel so sad that even my own boyfriend could not be attracted to me, could not have sex with me and could not kiss and touch me. How am I to move on when I feel so low about myself? Has anyone else had this experience? Has any other girl been rejected when offering sex to her boyfriend? I would buy the best and most beautiful lingerie, suspenders the works. I would always dress up in heels and suspenders with oils candles etc just trying to make sex with me appeal to him- it never worked. WHat is so wrong with me? I would appreciate a guys opinion. DOes this mean he was seriously unattracted to me? He also would only lie on his back for sex. I always gave him oral but it was never returned. HE just could not be bothered. Did I repulse him? Will I repulse the next guy? Your thoughts would be appreciated x Link to comment
Balbina Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Your ex sounds like a HUGE loser, and not to mention a real bumhole. I think you should focus on figuring out your self-worth on your own and not focusing on what some selfish loser said in the past? It's obvious he had bad judgment in every other aspect of his being - the fact that he was abusive, etc - so why would you take his criticisms seriously? Whatever happened with him is in the past and his harshness had more to do with his emotional instability that with your looks or desirability. Remember that. ANY guy would kill for a girl to don some lingerie and seduction skills - trust me on this. Any person in a relationship who feeds on bringing their partner down is seriously troubled. Figure out what makes you feel beautiful and sexy and stick with it! Once you find within yourself that confidence and self-assurance, it will make your life that much better. Do something for yourself, talk to someone about why you let your whole feelings of self worth be dependent on the twisted opinion of a crazy ex, and turn your life around on your own. Stop focusing on your ex, or if some guy will be like him, or if you're really what he said. Move on and live a happier life and happier things will follow. Link to comment
Moto Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Hi there, I am sorry to hear about this experience in your life madame, and I am tempted to say this man in question was in attendance at the bag convention... Running the douche counter. Sounds like he has issues that stem beyond your normal male, and was probably doing malicious things to you without your knowledge. It's not that he was potentially not "into" you so to speak, his absentia could be numerous things and they are quite obviously internal. In order for him to not meet your needs and desires, you were clearly with the wrong individual. Nothing about you from your description of any of these scenarios should point to feeling down about yourself at all, in my opinion you went beyond the norm for such endeavors and have no reason to feel bad about yourself. Some guys just don't do oral for their girlfriends, other men (like myself) enjoy pleasing their partner about as much as we enjoy being pleased. A relationship isn't defined by sexual compatability but it is a large piece of the puzzle of happiness. You're fine dear, don't you think anything different. I reiterrate the fact that I do not believe you did anything wrong, other than end up with a terrible excuse for a man. Link to comment
fiffy Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 I had a lot of suspicions that he might be gay do you think that could be the case? He made me shower before and after sex. Could only get hard by looking in the mirror at his own reflection and was obsessed with his body beautiful. He is 37 has never had a long relationship has no past marriage or kids. Do you think this is denial? Link to comment
Moto Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I think it could possibly be that he is living in denial, and refuses to see himself in his true form. Society puts such a toll on being homosexual, even now that it's more common place to be open about it, that he could be deathly afraid of revealing his true nature to the world. It could be a number of things holding him back, but that is a good start. I wouldn't waste too much time thinking about his issues though, establish your own theory and go from there; start taking care of yourself. Link to comment
EQD Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 i was in an abusive relationship before. it takes a while but you get over it if you let yourself. the problem is that sometimes we make our own cages to lock ourselves in. make sure you dont. using reason over emotion is the best way to accomplish this. the 'i'm not good enough' junk needs to go. if needed you could see a psychologist. Link to comment
johnnyp Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I agree....he sounds like total d**k and no woman should have to tolerate that kind of treatment. From what you say, he sounds like a controlling and manipulative (but very scared and threatened) little man. I've seen behaviour like this before and IMO it's a pathetic man's way to control and dominate his woman because he's too scared to really let her shine and be as beautiful as she can be. It lets him always have the upper hand and reduces your confidence to make you more succeptible to his control, and it all comes from his own weakness and cowardice......it's NOT your fault in any way. If he's confused and scared about his sexuality, then that would surely also add to his need to attack in order to gain the illusion of "control". I'm so sorry he treated you this way, and you can be sure that in no way did you deserve it. I'm in no way trying to be "sleazy internet guy" but I'm sure we all agree here that you look beautiful in your picture, and if he can't appreciate that then you're way better off without him. No one should be broguth down by anyone......especially the man they should be able to trust and be supported by the most. Most importantly though, you should ask yourself why you stayed so long with someone that treated you so poorly. I get the impression you may have low confidence and low self-worth in general and may not even realise it, so this is a great chance to look at yourself and what you've been shown by this a**hole's treatment of you, so that you don't let it happen again. All the best. Link to comment
evo12 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 My ex used to reject me sexually, even when it was happening I saw it as a way of blocking intimacy & emotion- it didn't have anything to do with my physical appearance or attractiveness because really sex doesn't. I think the root of the negative comments, etc., is insecurity- for some people, feeling terrible about themselves results in them making someone else feel terrible. Link to comment
thedude27 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I had a lot of suspicions that he might be gay do you think that could be the case? He made me shower before and after sex. Could only get hard by looking in the mirror at his own reflection and was obsessed with his body beautiful. He is 37 has never had a long relationship has no past marriage or kids. Do you think this is denial? He sounds narcisistic(or some derivative)...and well... creepy. I'm talking silence of the lambs "it puts the lotion on its skin" sorta creepy. I dont get hard from looking at myself in the mirror and I'm a sexy beast...lol. Thats not typical behavior ask around. I have witnessed a few abusive relatinships in my time (I end up being the person confided in a lot (apparently I'm easy to talk to and trust)) and I can tell you what he was doing to you was likely done on purpose to control you. He tells you lies about how you are fat and ugly you dont think you deserve better than him and by doing that he controls you. It makes you stay even tho he is a pile of crap because you have lowered self esteem... normally you'd realize he is a terrible BF and leave but effectively he has brainwashed you into beliving you are undesireable and he is the best you can get. They destroy your self confidence and isolate you from friends and family to prevent you from escaping. Then they can abuse you and you still stay. Its how abusive people work. I can assure you that if that is you in the picture you definitely are not ugly in fact it appears you are really good looking. Here are a few links that may help you. I'm not saying you should diagnose him but I think you may see some similarities and it will give you some comfort to know that what he is doing is based on what abusers do and not caused by real problems with you. Link to comment
fiffy Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Thanks everyone for your support. I have been seeing a therapist for months now but I just don't seem to be healing. My ex has sent me pics of his new girlfriend recently and told me how he loves having sex with her and how he can go all night unlike with me who repulsed him so much he couldn't do it and when he did he lasted seconds. Those were his exact words- I couldn't sleep with you because I found you so physically repulsive. We have been broken up 6 months and I have been trying NC if I ever respond to his contact attempts he puts me down more. The fact he really fancies and loves his new girlfriend makes me wonder if there really is something wrong with me. I just don't seem to be getting any better. Link to comment
EQD Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 oh yeah.. why are you still talking to him? perhaps thats why you arent healing, he is still (for some ungodly reason) in your life pulling the strings. CUT him out. Link to comment
fiffy Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Hey thedude 27 I totally agree he is narcissistic I have done a lot of research and he is text book. He thinks he is gods gift but actually has very little to be proud of. I am just totally low on myself but am struggling to try and love who I am. Link to comment
johnnyp Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Yep.....NC the hell outta this creep!! It's the only way you'll heal and I can see NO reason at all why you'd even want contact with him anyway. Since it seems so clear that he's a totally insecure little loser, by going full-NC on him, it'll take all control and power away from him in one quick action and drop him flat on his ass with only his fear to comfort him Do it......NOW! No....more....contact Fiffy...even if he contacts you. You'll look back in a few months and be so glad you did it. Link to comment
fiffy Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 I am so stupid- I go NC then he does stuff to wind me up to try and get me to contact him, like shutting down my ebay account, writing on my facebook wall and on his etc. I have cut off all those avenues now though, then when he still gets no response he will send an apologetic e-mail saying he wants to speak to me to have my forgiveness for everything he did and said to me etc. I fall for it everytime and when I call he is like 'whay are you calling me etc and then lays into me He is now blocked from every e-mail account phone number etc so it won't happen again and he lives 400 miles away from me. Link to comment
fiffy Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 even when I did 1 month NC and he was begging for me to contact him I knew I had some power back as I was no longer being walked all over but I still felt like the weak loser in the situation. I would love to feel like I had some power in all of this. I am not a game player but the abuse has robbed me of all self worth and I would just love to have some strength and feel like I was in some control. From where I am standing he has rejected me, doesn't want me and is n love with someone else. I know he is not happy with his life deep down but he sure seems happier than me. I just want to feel like a human again. Link to comment
johnnyp Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 It can be a very long and hard road to start truly believing in your own self-worth, particularly if you've had people systematically break it away over years (trust me....I've been there) but it's just a case of remembering all your good qualities and working on your less than good ones (but NEVER beating yourself up over them) and surrounding yourself with positivity and over time you'll heal and feel a deep-down happiness about yourself. Your first step is to recognise that you're worth much more than this kind of shabby treatment and it looks like you know it already Link to comment
thedude27 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 >>My ex has sent me pics of his new girlfriend recently and told me how he loves having sex with her and how he can go all night unlike with me who repulsed him so much he couldn't do it and when he did he lasted seconds. Those were his exact words- I couldn't sleep with you because I found you so physically repulsive. There are no ppl on earth I hate worse than people like this. What a psychopath. If you are so terrible why does he continue to talk to you. He shouldnt care right, "you are nothing"? >>We have been broken up 6 months and I have been trying NC if I ever respond to his contact attempts he puts me down more. Hes trying to regain control of you for your sake please stop responding. >>The fact he really fancies and loves his new girlfriend makes me wonder if there really is something wrong with me. fact? because he doesnt lie at all? ...the only fact is that its highly likely she will be recieving the same treatment once he woos her enough for her to trust him. She will then become fat and stupid if she is not already being called that. As an abuser his analysis about women are not based on fact it is based on his motives to control. >>I just don't seem to be getting any better. Dont let one lying, controlling person ruin your life. I know its a long hard process to come back from this because of all the time he has put into driving you into the ground with his lies about you. It takes time to reverse all the horrible treatment you have received, you have to undo all that negative self image he filled you with. Dont be too hard on yourself, but try to realize that he is not the expert of all women. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I'll bet there are a lot of beholders in your case Link to comment
johnnyp Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Oh....and don't worry about him seeming happier than you. Believe me.....with his personality and problems he's the one that's destined for the loooooong term unhappiness, and you'll likely be fine once you get over this relationship. Link to comment
Anusha Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Hi fiffy,that guy is a total jerk and doesnt deserve you.What imature and mean thing to send you that email about his new gf.It seems that he wants to make himself fell good by making you fell bad.Dont let him do that,dont answer the phone and block him every way you can.You are a nice person,dont ever let him convince you of the contrary. Link to comment
fiffy Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Thanks, I guess I have just been having a really down day and its pretty superficial of me to be sitting here upset about my physical appearance. I guess my ego has been damaged and it hurts but I know deep down I have been a good honest loving person. I never retaliated to his name calling and I have never tried to hurt him. Deep down being a good person is what matters and I hope someday a man will see that. I think NC is the only way I will heal. I just can't afford to break it this time because my mental health depends upon it. Everytime we have spoken it has made me feel bad for the following week. I don't want to let that keep happening. I think he insults me at every oppertunity to keep me down and from moving on. He is insanly cruel and no one deserves someone like that in their life. Link to comment
fiffy Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 I can't believe how much support I have had tonight I feel so grateful to you all for pulling me through these stupid emotions. I am so happy I found this site- life would be so much harder without it xx Link to comment
johnnyp Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 One warning though is that when you go full-NC on him, he'll likely do the same begging etc that he's done before, but once he realises you've cut him off completely, his lack of power over you will probably make him get quite nasty and you may get some quite angry and hurtful emails etc from him, so I truly think your best bet is to delete anything before even bothering reading it. I know it'll be really hard to do it, but since there seems to be no reason to stay in touch or ever get back with him, I don't think you'll miss out on any important info from him, you'll just save yourself from more of his nasty comments. Be strong. Link to comment
thedude27 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 From where I am standing he has rejected me, doesn't want me and is n love with someone else. I know he is not happy with his life deep down but he sure seems happier than me. Do you realize his attempts to get back with you are not to love you...they are to control you in order to make himself feel better by making you feel worse. He will be sweet and then he will club you over the head when he gets his chance. Whether he rejects you or not should be irrelevant. Who cares what his intentions are at this point? Why would you want to be accepted by him when he only wants to hurt you for his own selfish reasons. He doesnt want to love you, he wants to use you. You should be doing cartwheels for being away from him, not only will you never be happy with someone like this its not that uncommon that ppl are injured or killed in suitations when they leave abusive people like your ex. I know if you have read about narcissist you realize that they dont have empathy... thereforee physically harming you is nothing different than taking a shower in the morning for them. Its easy to hurt ppl because it doesnt effect them the way it does normal healthy people. You have taken a huge step to being happy again by utilizing NC. Nobody would ever be happy being called fat and ugly so he definitely isnt the way to regain your happiness. I think you already know all this but its good to be reasured that you are doing the right thing sometimes. Link to comment
thedude27 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 He is insanly cruel and no one deserves someone like that in their life. See right there ^^^^^^^ you are VERY smart!! Link to comment
fiffy Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Hey I totally know that I will never have any happiness from this man. He is just incapable of love or even being nice. He is bad to the core. I just struggle with the total rejection of me physically and mentally. I just loved him so much and did everything I could to make him happy. I tried so hard- probably too hard. It was just never enough and I think it is just my self esteem that needs to recover. I have had his e-mails blocked and my numbers changed so I will never hear from him again. It has taken a lot of strength to do this. I think I just need to accept that he was a messed up man and the names I got called and the treatment I endured was just about him not me. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.