Pocket Rocket Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 1. yes, they both only want to be with me. i have suggested open relationships with both, but they both say no. both have told me they would never talk to me again if i cheated on them. 2. yes ok so you really have three choices here - 1) Do some soul searching, pick one and stick with one. Note - you will still have to deal with having hidden the truth for that long, that too brings guilt with it. 2) Come out with the truth and let either decide what they want. 3) Leave and find someone you are interested in who has views and feelings mutual to yours about relationships. Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 as i said above, i do feel guilty and use excuses to avoid sex. i pretty much only do it on vacations/trips, birthdays, and special occasions. last year i did it only 4 times with one and 3 times with the other. honestly your posts are disturbing... i am even suspecting if this is a troll. sorry if i am wrong but this is quite bizarre. Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 honestly your posts are disturbing... i am even suspecting if this is a troll. sorry if i am wrong but this is quite bizarre. is it bizarre that we don't have sex often? im not sure what you mean by that. and of course a thread about cheating is disturbing, no one ever wants to end up in this situation, its horrible. im sorry if i seem trollish, i know i am not a normal person by any definition of the word, i am not trying to disturb anyone, but i guess my life is disturbing. just looking for some advice and opinions. Link to comment
alli Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 im sorry if i seem trollish, i know i am not a normal person by any definition of the word, i am not trying to disturb anyone, but i guess my life is disturbing. just looking for some advice and opinions. By "troll" he means he wonders if this story is completely fabricated, like you completely made up the whole thing. In case you didn't know what trolling was... Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 i wish this could be a polyamorous situation but the boys are too stuck in their traditional views of relationships. ive had dreams where we all ived together and read of relationships that work out great like this, they both have so much in common and would be great friends, they both even are a little bi-curious, but it will never happen, especially (like you said above) once the lies are out they will both hate me... Actually, more than their monogamy, your lies and inability to be trusthful with your SO's would be the roadblock to poly. It's not a fairytale fix, it requires all the work a healthy 1 on 1 relationship does and then some more. I think rather than looking to work something out with these relationships, you'd be better off single (or at the least not seriously dating someone) and working on your relationship with yourself for a while. Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 By "troll" he means he wonders if this story is completely fabricated, like you completely made up the whole thing. In case you didn't know what trolling was... thanks, ive heard of trolls on craigslist forums, i certainly wish i made up the whole thing! Link to comment
abouttime Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 You have a very low level of commitment. All I can say is pick the one you think you love most. and leave him. He will be much better off if he is not with you. You have strung them along for 3 years. You asked them for open relationships. This tells them that you are a cheater. And surprise you are. Your kind of love is selfish. Not interested in what is best for them. Only in what you want. But the funny thing is you're miserable. So how's that open relationship (even if they don't know) working for you? Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I did not say that you are a troll. I only felt that way... Honestly if a woman says things like 'i slept with this guy 4 times and the other guy 3 times', 'i have 2 boyfriends' ... it does feel a bit bizarre. Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 Actually, more than their monogamy, your lies and inability to be trusthful with your SO's would be the roadblock to poly. It's not a fairytale fix, it requires all the work a healthy 1 on 1 relationship does and then some more. I think rather than looking to work something out with these relationships, you'd be better off single (or at the least not seriously dating someone) and working on your relationship with yourself for a while. yes, i know i can never be in a poly relationship with either of these people because of the damage already done, seems like from reading other cheating threads and advice online that it is hard enough to be together after cheating is discovered anyways. i see a lot of suggestions to be by myself, i know i should leave but i don't have the means right now, i literally have no where to go. i was so frustrated last month that i called the friend bf to break up but he didn't take me seriously and told me he didn't think i should be alone right now. i don't think either of them really understand the depths of my mental illness, other than its freaking scary to deal with all the time. Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 I did not say that you are a troll. I only felt that way... Honestly if a woman says things like 'i slept with this guy 4 times and the other guy 3 times', 'i have 2 boyfriends' ... it does feel a bit bizarre. so if a man said it, would it be any less "bizarre"? one reason i have kept this to myself so much is the fact that i am female, seems like since it is not as common a cheating woman gets more ridicule than a cheating man, not surprised women cant even be treated equally in bad light either. as for the lack of sex, i always thought people cheated because of sex, how wrong i was, it has nothing to do with sex, at least for me it doesn't. Link to comment
alli Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 so if a man said it, would it be any less "bizarre"? one reason i have kept this to myself so much is the fact that i am female, seems like since it is not as common a cheating woman gets more ridicule than a cheating man, not surprised women cant even be treated equally in bad light either. as for the lack of sex, i always thought people cheated because of sex, how wrong i was, it has nothing to do with sex, at least for me it doesn't. I'm not a fan of cheating no matter which sex does it. Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 so if a man said it, would it be any less "bizarre"? one reason i have kept this to myself so much is the fact that i am female, seems like since it is not as common a cheating woman gets more ridicule than a cheating man, not surprised women cant even be treated equally in bad light either. as for the lack of sex, i always thought people cheated because of sex, how wrong i was, it has nothing to do with sex, at least for me it doesn't. no it does not make it less bizarre... why would gender matter in this case? Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Honestly if a woman says things like ... it does feel a bit bizarre. you said it yourself. in fact up to that point i don't even think i mentioned my gender in this thread at all, for all you know i could have been a man... im still unsure what part of this you find so "bizarre", is it the lack of sex or that i have infedelity problems? Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 you said it yourself. in fact up to that point i don't even think i mentioned my gender in this thread at all, for all you know i could have been a man... im still unsure what part of this you find so "bizarre", is it the lack of sex or that i have infedelity problems? i think you are reading too much into what i wrote there.... it is very clear that it was not personal... i would have used the word 'man' if a guy came and wrote a similar thing. the reason i find it bizarre is not because you are a woman... but because you are a person that loves two people and sleeps with both of them. may be there is nothing bizarre in it for you or other people but to me it is. Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 i think you are reading too much into what i wrote there.... it is very clear that it was not personal... i would have used the word 'man' if a guy came and wrote a similar thing. the reason i find it bizarre is not because you are a woman... but because you are a person that loves two people and sleeps with both of them. may be there is nothing bizarre in it for you or other people but to me it is. Yes i am overly sensitive, im sorry for taking offense to your comment. i read an account about a man not too long ago that cheated on his wife for 15 years, he claims to have had sex with her on a daily basis, now that i find bizarre. i didn't mean for this to happen at all and especially not for so long, i really don't know what im going to do, but something is going to happen sooner or later, i guess i need to decide if i am going to be the one that makes it happen. i have a huge problem making decisions (even for simple stuff like what food to eat), i am going to try to find free counseling this week, i cant do this alone anymore. thanks for your feedback everyone, i know i need to leave them both alone for their own good, i hope i can do this soon. Link to comment
LostInFlorida Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Well, if you can't decide, or cant act on it, there is always another option. Wait until one of them figures it all out, and then the decision will be made for you. Link to comment
blue69 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Honesty will set you free. The first step is to be honest with yourself. You will surprised how much better your life will feel once you let go of the self-imposed burden of being dishonest. Find someone who will appreciate your views of sexuality and more importantly openness. Maybe the traditional views of relationships just dont apply to you. Find someone (others) that share your views. You will be surprised that once you are honest with yourself, how easily you will attract those with the same views. Good luck. Link to comment
Pocket Rocket Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Well, if you can't decide, or cant act on it, there is always another option. Wait until one of them figures it all out, and then the decision will be made for you. Aw man I forgot that one! Link to comment
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