lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 i have a BIG problem, i have 2 boyfriends. i have been with the man i live with for about 6 years, we dated in high school and after a few years apart we got back together as adults. during those few years a dated a bit and met a guy that i got along with, i was pretty depressed during this time so our relationship didn't have much of a chance, and i was at university moving every 9 months etc. anyway, i stopped dating this guy because i wanted to be with my first bf again. everything at this time in my life was slipping away and he was my anchor of strength, always full of unconditional love, so when we got back together, it was really great, we moved in and got some pets, new jobs and new habits. about 3 years ago i ran into the other guy, it was at a random stop sign and it felt a bit like fate. we became friends again. he was dating a bunch of girls, so i really didn't think he was interested in me romantically. well, more time passed, and things hit the rocks with my bf. we had decisions to make about moving and our jobs, and i felt like he was not considering me with his decisions. things were up in the air for a while about where we were going etc...this is when my friend kissed me. wow, i knew i was more attracted to him than i used to be, he had changed some gross habits and became more educated, and i was a little jealous of his many dates, but i thought he didn't like me that way, i was very wrong, he had been in love with me this whole time. i really thought i was going to leave my bf for the friend, especially when i realized how much in love with him i was. well 3 years have almost passed and i have 2 boyfriends. they dont know i am still with the other, i love both of them, i feel like a horrible person and don't know what to do. no one knows i live like this, i told my sister of the affair 2 years ago, but from her reaction i lied a bit later and said it was over. i lie so much to everyone that i believe myself sometimes, i don't have sex with either one because i feel so guilty, i use my mental illness as an excuse for no sex drive (which is not true for me, it actually increases my sex drive). i know i need to leave, but really don't see this happening anytime soon. i understand any ridicule or mean comments, i deserve them. Link to comment
mechie22 Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 A decision needs to be reached. If you love them you cant continue making them live a lie for your own selfish reasons. Link to comment
Scorpion Fury Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 How can you possibly enjoy your life? If not for the guilt, I would think the stress from all the lies and keeping two relationships going would be exhausting. What advice are you looking for if you don't see yourself leaving one anytime soon? I think you should leave both of them and take some time alone to figure some things out in your head and find out who you are and what you want out of life. Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 How can you possibly enjoy your life? i don't enjoy my life at all, don't think i ever have. Link to comment
mechie22 Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 i don't enjoy my life at all, don't think i ever have. if u dont enjoy yourself im guessing you dont love yourself as well (correct me if i am wrong). as well if you dont mind my asking what ilness do you suffer from? Link to comment
alli Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Wow, I don't see how you could possibly live with one bf & maintain a relationship with the other and have neither of them suspect a thing... for 3 years! You need to make a decision, but the odds are once you do that they will find out about each other. You can't keep this up forever. Link to comment
Casey13 Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 How serious can it be with either of them if you managed to date them both at the same time for 3 years. If you have a true connection with your loved one and they really know and understand you then they'd be able to sense something is up from a mile away when this happened. I'm actually really curious also how you manage to find time for both of them and how you don't get yourself discovered. I mean I'm sure half of the time you tell one guy a lie to go see the other guy but for 3 years they both had no clue? To me it sounds like you don't have a real relationship with either of them and if I were you in choosing, I'd do so right away before you lose both and chose one that has been there for you most. Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 schizoaffective with anxiety disorders. i took meds for a while but stopped b/c i lost my insurance, i am not seeing a counselor or doctor right now either, it is too scary for me right now. Link to comment
mechie22 Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 and how old r u? these men? im sorry im just trying to piece things together and make sense out of it Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 How serious can it be with either of them if you managed to date them both at the same time for 3 years. I'm actually really curious also how you manage to find time for both of them and how you don't get yourself discovered. I mean I'm sure half of the time you tell one guy a lie to go see the other guy but for 3 years they both had no clue? i do lie but i am not specific, both know that i am pretty unpredictable and naturally a secretive person anyways so they are not suspicious about me being gone for periods of time. i also drink alcohol often and can't drive home so they both always encourage me just to stay where i am etc... the one i live with saved me from suicide and i really think he is overall scared of losing me in anyway, the other thinks he can save me and make my life all better, both are naive as well as self-centered. they don't notice a lot of things i do... Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 and how old r u? these men? im sorry im just trying to piece things together and make sense out of it im nearly 26, the longer term bf is 26, the friend bf is 29. Link to comment
Pocket Rocket Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Something about you not being able to make a decision for the last 3 years tells me you don't think either guy is the one for you? They can't both be perfect because you met one first, if you were sure he was the one, why would you be looking for anything else (much less keep it going if you did find something)? I don't think your situation is ridiculous, but maybe you need to let both of them go? Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 Something about you not being able to make a decision for the last 3 years tells me you don't think either guy is the one for you? They can't both be perfect because you met one first, if you were sure he was the one, why would you be looking for anything else (much less keep it going if you did find something)? I don't think your situation is ridiculous, but maybe you need to let both of them go? yes, ive had premonitions about losing both of them, it is very scary for me. i wanted to leave my first bf when i realized i loved the friend, but i couldn't get out of my mind the reasons i returned to him after high school, if i leave him and feel like that again, i am not sure i can keep living. it sounds so stupid, but i dont' want to make a mistake (eventhough im making a huge mistake by lying!) and lose my love again. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 It is possible to love more than one person at a time (polyamory), but from what you've described here, if you came out about your lies you'd have a hard time salvaging just one of the relationship.s Link to comment
xCOREx Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 i don't enjoy my life at all, don't think i ever have. then i guess you dont really love either. maybe you love what you want them to be and how you want to feel. Maybe thats just a lie too. honestly think about it. Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Pardon my directness but do you sleep with both of them? If yes, then WOW. I would be amazed. Link to comment
Pocket Rocket Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Answer me just two questions, and this is by no means a dig at you: 1) Do you believe either one wants a monogamous relationship with you and if you told the truth to either boyfriend that they'd stick around? 2) Do you think your boyfriends deserve to be with partners who are faithful and want what they want? If you answered yes to the first one, then choose one or leave both. If answered yes to the second question then you need to let them go so they can find partners who feel the same way and want what they want. If you answered no to the second one then you really need to think why you are in these relationships - for them or for you? If you really can't decide it may be a good idea to spend some time by yourself to figure things out. I have no issues with polygamy or polyamoury - but all parties must be in the know and everyone must consent. This isn't the case here and it isn't fair on anyone involved. Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 It is possible to love more than one person at a time (polyamory), but from what you've described here, if you came out about your lies you'd have a hard time salvaging just one of the relationship.s i wish this could be a polyamorous situation but the boys are too stuck in their traditional views of relationships. ive had dreams where we all ived together and read of relationships that work out great like this, they both have so much in common and would be great friends, they both even are a little bi-curious, but it will never happen, especially (like you said above) once the lies are out they will both hate me... Link to comment
xCOREx Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 i wish this could be a polyamorous situation but the boys are too stuck in their traditional views of relationships. ive had dreams where we all ived together and read of relationships that work out great like this, they both have so much in common and would be great friends, they both even are a little bi-curious, but it will never happen, especially (like you said above) once the lies are out they will both hate me... why couldnt you not have sex but all be close friends? Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 then i guess you dont really love either. maybe you love what you want them to be and how you want to feel. Maybe thats just a lie too. honestly think about it. im not sure if you can judge how much one can love based on satisfaction with themselves, it makes sense that a person that loves themselves more is much more capable of being in a healthy relationship, however dissatisfaction with oneselve does not mean love is not possible. on this same note, it does feel wrong that i love them more than myself, in a way i feel like the only reason i am here is to love them. Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 Pardon my directness but do you sleep with both of them? If yes, then WOW. I would be amazed. no, i don't sleep with either of them very often. Link to comment
xCOREx Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 maybe they are here to help you see you should love yourself a little more. O.o just saying if you want something different then this isnt perfect ans you should go find it. if you want this + both at the same time then go get it find ppl with things that make you feel the same that would be both in ur life or w/e. if they dont mix they dont mix. Link to comment
grymoire Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 no, i don't sleep with either of them very often. what do you mean by 'very often'? that means at some point you slept with both of them. don't you feel any guilt when you do it. Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 1. yes, they both only want to be with me. i have suggested open relationships with both, but they both say no. both have told me they would never talk to me again if i cheated on them. 2. yes Link to comment
lilyloser Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 i don't have sex with either one because i feel so guilty, i use my mental illness as an excuse for no sex drive (which is not true for me, it actually increases my sex drive). . as i said above, i do feel guilty and use excuses to avoid sex. i pretty much only do it on vacations/trips, birthdays, and special occasions. last year i did it only 4 times with one and 3 times with the other. Link to comment
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