Getting problems from her ex

[Nista]

I recently have been going out with a real sweetheart She treats me so well and i do my very best to treat her the same. We are both 18 and are seniors in high school. We have both had a rugged past, and are ready to let things calm down in a nice, slow, steady relationship. Only one problem

 

Her ex boyfriend is obsessed with her

 

They broke up when they were in 9th grade and tried to be nice to him by still being friends. Since then she has said he has constantly tried and failed to rekindle anything. She just doesn't want to be with him anymore. I understand its natural for a 9th grader to feel like the world is ending when they break up with thier significant other, but he is just too obsessed. He has cut himself in his depression. If she doesnt text him back within a half hour he starts to freak out like she was hit by a car or something. He constantly guilt trips her, "how could you do this to me" "its your fault im so sad" in what i think is the last attempts to try to get a relationship back

 

Thats all before i came into the picture. We have been dating and it has been easy riding for us. After not replying his texts for our first date, a few hours of a walk in a park and a nice concert at a local jazz club, he started freaking out saying "Is there another guy? what the hell? How did this happen? I deserve answers"

 

I helped her reply back with answers such as "your not my boyfriend anymore, so you dont deserve answers for anything involving my personal life because you are no longer apart of it"

 

Well he has gone way down hill recently. He threatens to kill himself if she doesnt call him or meet with him. One time she met him in a local coffee shop which was flooded with people, I stayed a few yards away while they talked so she would feel safe. He doesnt know anything about her or I. i dont think its wise for me to get involved personally.

 

Well the other night he said he was parked near her house watching it. Stalking now?!? This guy is beyond the control of me or her.

 

Well she has talked to his parents to watch him so he doesnt do anything. But they hardly watch well enough. He still threatens. I called her parents and asked if they would find him and tell him to leave when he was watching her house. He did leave. But now i can tell its taking its toll on my girlfriend. She is now blameing herself for his down turn. He is really unhealthy now. Barely eats and still sends her tons of text messages. I keep telling her that she did nothing wrong. Only broke up with the guy. He has issues if he cant let go of a high school crush for 2 years and is willing to take his life because of it

 

So what should we do?

 

If she ignores his texts he hurts himself, even though we asked his parents for help. They seem to think its an over exaguration and that the reason their son is sad is because she was horrible to him. Which is untrue.

 

I dont know if calling the police would help solve anything. To be honest, if the guy is willing to kill himself because she wont meet with him, i doubt if he will care if there is charges against him. It may even fuel the fire of his depression

 

The guy is an atheist. So going to a church pastor or bishop is no option. And telling him about god to help ease any pain wont do any good. He doesnt believe or care to

 

What should i do? I have not been personally harassed myself, nor wish to get involved personally. The guy is on the varsity football team. He can bench a freaking car. I dont think he would hurt her, but i am unsure of my own safety. I also dont want to make this any worse than it is. This girl is the sweetest girl i have ever met. I just want the best for her. And this guy is tearing her apart psychologically. She is blaming herself for his down turn and i just want to make her happy again. Close that chapter of her life and move on.

 

Sorry for the long read and replies are appreciated.

 

Thanks

[Lionel Hutz]

"Keep Away Order" if hes bothering you two. He will have to stay X amount of feet away or hes going to jail. Seek legal advice since he sounds kinda dangerous.

[Nista]

Thanks, i will definitely look into that thank you.

 

But what about his personal safety? As much as i dislike this guy for putting my girlfriend through this, i dont want him to kill himself. Or hurt someone else.

 

He needs professional help. And i fear that if he does take his own life, my girlfriend will blame his death on herself.

 

Because he is a football player and the season is over, he doesnt have practice or anything to fill his time with. He just sulks. Recently he hit a poll with his car while visiting a park they used to spend time together at. He smacked his head and wanted her to go to him. I think he just wanted to guilt trip her to seeing him. He is definitely unstable

 

Thanks for the fast response

[anonimo]

Yeah, thats pretty serious. He needs to talk to someone.

Maybe your girlfriend can recommend that he talk to a counselor next time he tries to contact her.

[Lionel Hutz]

Honestly, there is nothing you can do about his state of mind. I understand your empathy, but trust, me he doesn't appreciate it, and needs to understand reality. He wont kill himself, people who want to kill themselves do. Im givin you props for being a good dude. best Wishes.

[Nista]

Im givin you props for being a good dude. best Wishes.

 

haha thanks man. I really do hope he doesnt really do anything bad. When i usually talk to my friends who are depressed and have thoughts of suicide, i know that they wont do it. Even then i help them through it. But two years? This guy has shown that he isnt normal. And I am thinking maybe he hasnt killed himself because somehow in his mind, he thinks she will come back to him. When he finally understands how much she definitely wont, especially after this, who knows what he will do.

 

I hope he responds well to the suggestion of therapy. I know a good guy who does therapy at my church for free. Just a phone call could do just to start out. Nothing churchy. Maybe he will respond to "why dont you talk to this nice guy about what your feeling, he is really good with helping people overcome things" better than "you need therapy dude"

 

Thanks a million guys, anything else?

[Balbina]

I would tell her to let him know the next time he contacts her that what he is doing is wrong and out of place. She has explained herself countless times and she will no longer be answering his calls and texts - if he tries to come near her, she WILL go to the police.

 

I think the more she answers him and let him affect her, and feels sorry for him, the more power he has over her and the situation. Thats all this is - him having power over her. Her answering him and caring enough when he threatens to kill himself is like his drug - he sees she cares and he feeds off of it. Tell her that she need to seriously suck it up and stop feeling responsible for him, because she ISN'T in the least- and just MOVE ON with her life.

 

He may escalate his attempts at first, but believe me, if he does somethime irrational after she tells him once and for all to leave her alone, go to the police.

 

Print off all emails from him, all texts, phone records. Start writing down things he has said and the time and dates of when he sits in front of her house. Get some photos if you can. Build a case. That way if this guy is seriously deranged, you have a way out.

 

Good luck!

[Nista]

Very strong words. Thats exactly what i was looking for. Thank you so much balbina i really do appreciate it. those are words my girlfriend will understand. And thats exactly how things are going on.

 

Thank you so much again. i will post back in a few days on how everything is going. Thank you to everyone who has helped out, and in such a timely manner