How do you deal when a CP leaves you with no closure?

[CodepFree]

Hi everyone:

I hope folks can help me with your input and suggestions. I was dating this guy for about a week and the first date was just absolute fun! I now know that CommitmentPhobe (CP) was written all over our date from his side. Well anyway -- in keeping with his CP characteristics, suddenly in our subsequent phone conversations, I sensed a holding back - I felt a "friend" vibe of sorts - mixed signals coz he would still say the things to make me feel "special." No kissing or sex happened - just good conversation and seeming "connections." In subsequent conversations, he had invited me to a performance he was doing in a local bar in town, he wasnt sure about the time and said he would get back to me. Well the day he would have gotten back to me was the day I got the "friend" vibe over the phone. Anyway - we finally saw each other earlier this week and of course in keeping with the mixed signals CPs give, he was very "friend-ly" in tone during our get together but would do these little affectionate non-verbal touching while we were listening to a lecture at a bookstore...it felt really good. I also had given him a card that evening, non threatening -- very supportive regarding his decision to pursue his music career, a new place, new job wishing him luck with all of it. he again asked me if i was going to his performance next week and i said yes, well what are the details? what time -- i knew where it was going to be. i found it odd that he said "i dont know" and didnt go any further (thinking back now, maybe he was trying to see if i was going but secretely hoping i wouldnt for whatever reason.) that night, he also invited me to an event the next day and said he would work out the details with me when he got them. i agree to go with him. anyway -- when he walked me back to my car, I decided that evening that before I left, I would kiss him. we said our goodbyes and he was really nice and when he hugged me -- i laid a smacker on him ---- i think he was really shocked - the kiss lasted for maybe 5 seconds and he was unresponsive and then was and then pulled back maybe abruptly? he didnt say anything about it - just mumbled about having a good night , blah, blah and i left...i had an odd feeling about it more than ecstasy...felt like i has kissed a young, inexperienced boy (but he isnt) so anyway --- i wait the next day for the call about the event at night he originally invited me to...no call. i was sad of course that evening and was so tempted to call him but i stood firm -- he invited me -- he should call...its been the 3rd day since our last meeting and he hasnt called. so in effect, he stood me up right? and on a larger level -- do you think that he's made the big CP leap and ended things? that's where i need input--

1) Should I just let go already? I havent called him or anything -- I dont like the idea that I was stood up.

2) One camp of friends I have say that he probably was shocked by the kiss and in CP mode, stepped back by flaking. So, do I initiate a phone call to see what happened? Or would that just make me look desperate?

3) My other camp of friends say -- he is trouble and to just let things stand as they are -- stop any kind of contact. Basically he's a jerk.

4) Now about his performance in a couple of days -- I had already told him that I was going and even in that card I gave wished him well for that evening. I dont know why I feel this need to go considering the circumstances- here I am saying good luck for all these new things happening in his life then I promised to be there for an important event in a card and then not showing up. It's kinda like proving the idea that I wasnt reliable after all in his mind...and I kinda wanna show him that I am but then again I dont want to look like a doormat. Geez, I really hate the confusion CP's do to one's psyche. I think maybe for me to go to the performance is to get somekind of closure from him -- It's really difficult for me to process this whole thing --- honestly, I would rather be dumped outright then having this non-closure or non-knowledge of what went wrong. Then again - there's the possibility that he might just outright ignore me when I go to the performance or worse yet -- be all over a girl in front of me -- I dont know. Self doubt, self doubt, self doubt. I so totally want to call him but wont.

What do folks out there think?

How do you deal when a CP leaves you with no closure and disappears into the night?

 

Also, I was curious -- how do you talk or interact with a CP who leaves you no closure and disappears but you have to see them again. I know that he will be at a couple of events that I have to attend relating to my sister (they're friends-not close but part of the same circle) in the next couple of weeks. Do I ignore him? Say Hi? Wait for him to say Hi if he does? If folks can provide some encouraging affirmations I could say in my head while he's circulating the room - that would be great. I'll just be dying inside I know when I see him again.

 

but thanks all - just getting all of this down on a post has made me feel much better - kinda takes away the power of his abandonment.

[rich_1517]

need more information

 

1. how many "dates" have you actually been on?

2. how long overall has this been going on?

3. how many times (approx) has he called you

 

it sounds like he is sending the lets be friends signals, im not sure. How do you get the committment phobe perspective you have, becuase he wont with you or has he said this or implied it?

 

keep it simple though, dont take this bad im a long poster myself, but page breaks and spaces help to read your thoughts better. try to make just bullets where you can. I know what the mind is like during these things but organizing your thoughts onscreen may also help off.

[CodepFree]

sorry about that - yes - i didnt figure the format and will do in the future-

here are your answers:

 

1) 2 dates

2) about a week total - i initiated it though and through my sister let him know i was interested - he said he was also interested

3) he has called me twice on his own

 

i get the CP thing by the intensity in his pursuance, the things he would say like i'm a keeper, i've been looking for someone like you, etc. the physical cue in the bookstore was definitely not a lets be friends vibe.

 

wondering if i should call to clarify?

wait for him to call?

completely drop it off from my radar

 

i just wish he would tell me right off - lets be friends -- not the disappearance/avoidance game.

 

thanks rich_1517

[Athena]

I think you are jumping the gun here.

 

I do not believe that you can sum a person up as being a commitment phobic after two dates. That would be about as reasonable as him summing you up as being someone who is desperate for a relationship.

 

You guys hardly know each other? I think he is trying to get to know you and incorporating some fun flirting behavior into the process. Sounds like he wants to take things slow and steady and if you push him, you will probably push him away.

 

-A

[CodepFree]

hi athena

thanks so much for your post -- it definitely is something to think about .

its true...i shouldnt jump the gun- so what's the next thing to do?

 

 

 

*should i wait till he calls me?

*should i still attend the musical performance?

*i'm still miffed by his flaking on me about the event he invited me to - is this part of "incorporating fun flirting behavior?"

*could he be waiting for a call from me?

 

maybe CP is too harsh --- what about a potential "player"?

i cant help feel that he's taken me for a ride and it just eats me up that it's "hanging" right now-

 

do i apologize for maybe crossing a boundary by impulsively kissing him?

could that be a strategy to initiate a talk with him?

one of my best friends say -- dont call him coz he'll know that you care about what happened and thinks he can flake on you and you'll still go back.

 

my inner self sez -- dont play the games - set him aside and ask to talk about what happened. then i'll know for sure how to proceed.

 

i really do want to talk to him. i dont know what to think right now. if he wants to be friends - that would be fine -- i just wish i knew.

 

this self doubt and confusion is so ....disconcerting

[Athena]

It doesn't sound like you have anything to loose by calling him and speaking with him about all you have told us.

 

All of your questions could be answered with speculative opinions, but the only way you will REALLY know what is going on is to ask him, and don't be shy.