Mysterious anxiety concerning my relationship...

[Firiel]

Sorry for the length, in advance!

 

Recently, my parents expressed their strong dislike of my boyfriend to me and raised up a lot of questions about his integrity, and basically told me I should break up with him. He and I have been working through this issue for the last couple of months (we’ve been together for seven months, by the way). He’s never given me any reason to doubt his integrity, so those fears quickly faded.

 

However, I’m left with this residual anxiety about the relationship, and I cannot for the life of me pinpoint its cause. In my previous relationship, I had a similar anxiety, but I had the cause pinned as our lack of conversation and mental connection. With this relationship, I cannot think of anything. We are best friends, incredibly attracted to one another, and truly to care about one another. Of course, our relationship isn’t perfect, but when problems come up, we usually do a good job of working through them.

 

When this anxiety hits, it makes me question if our relationship is right for me, and I feel like I need to get to the root of it so I can find out if it’s legitimate or not and what to do about it. I want to continue being with this guy more than I’ve ever wanted anything, but if this lack of surety and anxiety about it continue, I know at some point it will be unfair to both of us to stay together. And I really don’t want to lose him.

 

I guess what I’m asking for is a) anyone’s opinion/experience about questioning relationships. Is it healthy? Does questioning imply the relationship is wrong like people often say?

 

And b) any advice as to what steps I can take to get to the bottom of this anxiety and to discover the cause so I can deal with it in the appropriate way.

[Balbina]

Is this anxiety, or any of the factor your parents mentioned, actually real?

 

Perhaps you might want to speak with your parents and tell them that your discussion with them and what they said really upset you and while they are entitled to their opinions, you think they've misjudged your boyfriend and unless they have something positive to say, to not bring you down and try to be happy for you.

 

Don't stress about it and don't let it tarnish what you have with your boyfriend. If it ain't broke...

[annie24]

what is it specifically about him that your parents don't like? do they have a point or is no one good enough for their little girl? i wonder if they are seeing something about him that you aren't?

[Firiel]

The thing with my parents... well, we've discussed it to death. It was a HUGE deal. They basically forced us to not talk to each other for a month, only to e-mail. I don't think they know how much they hurt me, but that's just because they didn't listen. And while it's highly possible their opinion of him is still affecting me, I think I'm mostly over it.

 

They think he's dishonest because of a few misunderstandings... they think he's immature and would be unable to provide for me because he isn't in college at the moment (though he is starting again in the spring). But they have straight up told me, "No one is good enough for our girls." I have no doubts about what a great guy he is and no doubts that he will chase his dreams and achieve them... he needs schooling for that, so I have no doubts he will go to school.

 

So I'm not sure what is causing this anxiety, and I've learned through experience that the best way to get over anxiety is to really discover what's causing it. I just can't seem to do that in this case.

[DN]

"No one is good enough for our girls.

do they expect you to be single forever?

[Firiel]

do they expect you to be single forever?

 

No, she was exaggerating somewhat, but I think just the fact that she said that reveals an underlying attitude of "Just find someone who close to good enough for you." My older sister found the "perfect" guy that my family just absolutely adores and I think they want me to find someone just like him. It's frustrating, but like I said, while the situation contributes to my anxiety, I don't think it's responsible for all of it.

[alli]

I had a similar situation as you about a week ago. My bf & I were at my parents house for Christmas & apparently he didn't make a very good impression on my older sister, & she sent me a string of texts about why I should dump him.

 

I've always felt our relationship was great & didn't really believe her, but it did make me feel weird. And I couldn't really tell him what was bothering me; it wouldn't do any good for him to know what she thinks of him. It'll just create more uncomfortableness the next time he is with my family.

 

You know your bf better than they do. Sometimes when people have an outside perspective they can see things you can't. Or sometimes they just get the wrong impression. My sister has never liked any of the guys I've dated because she thinks she would be better at making all of my decisions for me (where to live & work, who to date). Ask other people what they think of your bf. If they say something similar to what your parents said, then maybe there is something you need to re-evaluate in your relationship. If not, then acknowledge your parents' concerns but continue to make your own choices.

 

How could they keep you apart for a month? You're 21, probably in college (since you said they dislike the fact that he is not). Was it over the summer? When you live on your own you can do whatever you want. That's the great thing about living in an apartment with roommates in college versus the dorms. You still have a place to live other than your parents' house in the summer.