It is just the baby boom generation ?

[CaptainPlanet]

I've noticed my grandmother would never swear or act out of anger like the way my mother does.

 

I think she is menopausal because she is completely crazy. She'll start yelling for no reason at all and smash thing around the house.

 

I'm moving out soon and I can't wait to get away from her. I think this is a sad situation where a son does not love his mother. I know it is shameful that I don't. I feel no positive feelings towards her. I mean I know I am 25, but I am still only 25.

 

Has it always been like this ? I can't imagine my grandmother, who is the only grandparent of mine I have ever met, acting the way my mum does.

 

I hate the way things are between us and am wondering if other people have similar feelings... I see this a lot in people my mums age.

 

Almost like they have the attitude of 'we've had enough of you now we don't care anymore'. If that is the case I want nothing to do with my parents. I don't think that is the way family should be. I don't understand.

[Hayles]

Hello. I must say, just over the past year my mother has been displaying a very "if you don't like it, you can #$%^ off" attitude towards all of her five kids. We are all grown up, she has no responsibility to us, however, even the respect and caring flew out the door. Maybe it is the age then, they feel as though they have finished raising the kids and just want that something for themselves, whichis fine, and great.... however, maybe some of them dont know how to do it without coming accross like they have given up on their family?

[CaptainPlanet]

I don't see it that way. When you have a child you are investing in a person. You are not just getting some cute little toy to play with to cater to your instincts and give you something to do for you own interests. You are investing in an adult, the child is just what they are before they grow up. Family should always help each other, especially in times like these when things are going to get a bit tougher. Family are supposed to be close. If you don't want that why have kids ? Why wouldn't you want your own family in your home ?

 

I think it just the generation. My parents could buy a house so cheaply. I can't really ever afford one. Would take me 30 years to pay off a house. Even if I get a very good income say $70,000 per year or above I still couldn't afford one even on 100,000 a year. You are looking at a 30 year mortage. Something I just cannot justify.

[CaptainPlanet]

If you are not getting married why should the kids leave home if it is not their choice to do so ? Don't parents want their kids to have a good future ?

[Hayles]

I totally agree with you, I feel the same about my mother and the way she is acting. I guess I just wasnt very clear when I replied before. Recently my mother found facebook, and while she has her kids on her friends list, we will often stumble accross a status like "your parents ruin the first half of your life and your kids ruin the second", it just hurts... it hurts because her upbringing was wonderful, and her parents were amazing... and it hurts because we have done nothing but love her, so how can she be this way?

 

My friends parents arent this way, to me its completely dysfunctional, she is like a weird woman! She wants us around to do everything for her, but only then... the rest of the time she would rather we didnt exist.... too weird!!

[anya1607307555]

I think it's natural really, although I admit I didn't always think this.

 

what I have come to learn about my mother's behaviour, in particular, is that whilst she (quite rightly) thought her life was returning once the teenage years, of 3 children, were underway; she forgot the part of encouraging her children to actually become independent, in order for this to occur naturally. thereforee our expectations of her were still very high at a time when hers were of us to 'fly away'.

 

as a result, when we had our own children in our early/mid 20s, and we 'assumed' she would want to play the doting grandmother, etc. instead she divorced my father and re-enactd her own teenage years causing a lot of family conflict! now I'm not saying that part is natural lol, but I now see, whether entirely my fault or not, my expectations of her were way too high at that age.

 

in contrast, I have a 14yr old who I do not foresee to be still living at home in his early/mid 20s. of course, he knows he has a home for as long as he needs, however, there is an assumption on both our parts that he will be following his own path by then. however, I see it as my role to prepare him for that time and have always encouraged him to be his own person.

 

so in short, I think it is a chld's expectation of mother that are key, also the role of 'mother' she has chosen to play in it's life.

[anya1607307555]

you may find your relationship will flourish once you move out of home. in my opinion, it takes time, patience and experience to achieve a close-but-far away-enough family situation. also it will probably get worse before it gets better but if that's what you really hope to achieve, you will find a way to get there. good luck.

[CaptainPlanet]

you may find your relationship will flourish once you move out of home. in my opinion, it takes time, patience and experience to achieve a close-but-far away-enough family situation. also it will probably get worse before it gets better but if that's what you really hope to achieve, you will find a way to get there. good luck.

 

No I'm pretty much over it. I gave up my life and moved home to be closer to my family. They had other ideas. My mum had a chance to be that close and loving mother. That is not what she wants to do. IF when she gets older she decides that is what she wants well then too bad.

[15 Storeys High]

If mothers are acting this way then perhaps the child also needs to consider that part of the reason might be their attitude as well.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If mothers are acting this way then perhaps the child also needs to consider that part of the reason might be their attitude as well.

 

Yes, I agree. I don't think it is fair to blame it on being a baby boomer...actually, I see a lot of parents who spoiled their children and are not paying the price because their adult children still expect to be catered to as if they were still little children.

 

If you are not getting married why should the kids leave home if it is not their choice to do so ? Don't parents want their kids to have a good future ?

 

Maybe this attitude is part of the problem...the parents resent the children still living at home as adults. Parents need their privacy too.

[COtuner]

At age 25 you are supposed to be out of the house, employed and self sufficient. I tried going home about that time and in less than a year, my mom actually evicted me from her house... with the sheriff's department! My mom is not a baby boomer - she's the generation before that. It's simply that it's a very recent phemonemon for kids to not be gone at 18 years old.

 

I understand about mortgage prices - I paid for my own college (undergrad and grad) so I am paying student loans instead of a mortgage. However, yes, it is your responsibility to go out there and make a life for yourself as an adult. There are a boatload of things my parents have had that I won't (houses, pensions, cheap healthcare) and I'm a senior engineer earning more than they ever did. BUT that's life. Sorry to say it, but you need to get out there and man up.

[CaptainPlanet]

If mothers are acting this way then perhaps the child also needs to consider that part of the reason might be their attitude as well.

 

You'd assume so. I know, it is my fault.

[CaptainPlanet]

You are a Senior Engineer and you got out of the house. Different situation, completely different situation. I don't even think it is technically possible for someone my age to be a Senior Engineer. Even if they graduate a year early, that puts them mid level at best. I think you are a fair bit older than me by at least 3 years.

 

Different people. I hate when people say 'that is life'. Life is what people make it to be. I know a person my age who is a manager at KPMG, makes $85,000 a year last I heard and still lives at home. No trouble from the folks. Simply better people.

 

FACT IS : I don't have an Engineering degree. As much as I would like to I don't. What you have done does not apply to me. Because you left the home doesn't mean I should have too now. They are entirely different situations. If my parents want to help me to become self sufficient, they can, if not, they do not have too. But my reaction to the should be proportionate and if they do not want to help me now, then what do I owe them in the future ? The answer is nothing. And the family unit turns to dirt.

 

Edit 2 : I should mention that I have only been living at home for a little over a year.

[CaptainPlanet]

When things are so expensive, i find this whole 'moving out by 25' thing to be a prime example of living above your means. Part of the reason we're all in debt.

 

Move out pay rent to someone who owes money to a bank to make people who work on, and invested in the stock market rich. Also people who manage the money people have on wall street. Make them rich too.

 

Or live at home. Invest money. Become one of those rich people.

 

But when you move out you get to feel 'independent'. While in debt up to your eyes balls. I'm just an angry, angry, angry man.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yep, I can totally relate. I am worse off financially than my parents were and I am single whereas they had two children and one income. Earnings just don't go that far anymore by the time you pay the necessary bills and try to save...the opportunities just aren't out there..health care costs, high taxes, the high cost of owning a car, the pitiful returns on investments..that is the reality of today's world.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

When things are so expensive, i find this whole 'moving out by 25' thing to be a prime example of living above your means. Part of the reason we're all in debt.

 

Move out pay rent to someone who owes money to a bank to make people who work on, and invested in the stock market rich. Also people who manage the money people have on wall street. Make them rich too.

 

Or live at home. Invest money. Become one of those rich people.

 

But when you move out you get to feel 'independent'. While in debt up to your eyes balls. I'm just an angry, angry, angry man.

 

 

Living above your means is often about buying a house you can't afford, constantly trading in the electronics you own for the latest and greatest thing that comes out, going on extravagant vacations etc. I knew someone who lived at home well into her thirties and used the money she was saving to go on nice vacations every few months. If a person is working and no longer going to school then they should be living on their own. It is about taking responsibility for yourself and your future. It has nothing to do with the greed of others..that is a completely different issue.

[purpleduckie]

I used to really dread my mom as well. However, since I've moved out for college, I've grown to understand her a lot better. I put my teenage rebelness aside and took her at face value.

 

 

I am assuming since you are at home, your mother did raise you. You didn't get to become 25 all by yourself. She fed you and mothered you to the best of her abilities. She provided food and shelter for you. It's easy to expect a lot out of our parents, but they are human as well. They do make mistakes and sometimes, they do get into stages where they act out of character/not entirely appropriate.

 

My mom got really depressed and tried to commit suicide. She went into rages where she used to chase me around the house with a knife. She also told me horrible things, talked about disowning me and hating me. After years of that, you'd think I'd hate her... but I honestly don't. I love my mom more than anyone. She's probably the only person I could honestly say I've ever truly love. I see past all that and while I do not condone abuse of any kind, my mother was indeed a good mother and she tried the best that she could given our circumstances. Our past 10 years were hell and before, I just blamed her for not being above that. Now, I understand that she couldn't and that's why she needs me.

 

Parents are people too and they need OUR support too. You don't just take and take, just because you're their child. It's one thing to be a teenager to not see that, but as a 25 years old, I think you need to take a step back and look at the situation in another light. If maybe you posted your situation in more details, while trying to get her side into this too... then maybe others can help you understand your mother better.

 

Taking space away from her could help too. i know it did for me. it gave me time away from her constant bickering and yelling. it gave me a lot of time to think and to appreciate everything she's done for me.

 

i hope this helps.

[purpleduckie]

on another note, the whole thing about 25 years old being expected to move out ...

 

i've been brought up in a culture where people live with their parents until they marry. at that point, some move out but some stays for the rest of their lives. it's not seen as irresponsible but actually is THE responsible thing. you stay home to take care of your parents as your parents have taken care of you.

 

i plan on living with my mom for the rest of my life. i'm already starting to save up for a new house with her. i think at 25 years old, not only should you be self sufficient, you should start taking care of your mother.

[Mavh25]

on another note, the whole thing about 25 years old being expected to move out ...

 

i've been brought up in a culture where people live with their parents until they marry. at that point, some move out but some stays for the rest of their lives. it's not seen as irresponsible but actually is THE responsible thing. you stay home to take care of your parents as your parents have taken care of you.

 

i plan on living with my mom for the rest of my life. i'm already starting to save up for a new house with her. i think at 25 years old, not only should you be self sufficient, you should start taking care of your mother.

 

When I get old, the idea of my kids taking care of me upsets me, I would never ever want my kids to put their life on hold to look after me..

 

Not that it is'nt admirable, I just don't like the idea.

[purpleduckie]

When I get old, the idea of my kids taking care of me upsets me, I would never ever want my kids to put their life on hold to look after me..

 

Not that it is'nt admirable, I just don't like the idea.

 

That's understandable. I just see it differently. i see it as paying my debt as my mom did that for me, you know? and simply because i love her.

what's life without love, really. nothing is nearly as important.

 

Originally Posted by CaptainPlanet View Post

No I'm pretty much over it. I gave up my life and moved home to be closer to my family. They had other ideas. My mum had a chance to be that close and loving mother. That is not what she wants to do. IF when she gets older she decides that is what she wants well then too bad.

 

i just saw this and wanted to add on. i hope i'm not being over bearing, but when you do things for others, you should not expect anything back. love is given without conditions. that's why it's love. you don't do things for others then attach a price tag with it. if you do, you will become very very bitter with everyone in your life - not just your mother.

[Santerme]

I was not brought up by my parents, I attended boarding school, then University and my grandparents, who where very Edwardian in outlook looked after me in the holidays.

 

My father was in the army and stationed overseas most of his career and my mother moved with him wherever he was sent.

 

So, we have not been close until the last five years, when I retired from the army myself and had time to develop a relationship with them.

 

Which is a bit of a shame as they are pretty decent people, I have come to find.

 

I, myself, have two daughters, an eighteen year old and a fifteen year old, and I am of the baby boomer generation myself.

 

My eldest is at University and the younger ones lives with her Mum, but we live in adjacent villages so I see her all the time.

 

I have to say there were times, when both their Mum and I used to look at each other and say, if I had known it was going to be like this......but, of course never meant in truth.

 

Both my children would be welcome at either of our houses for as long as they needed to find their feet, recover from the vagaries of life, before venturing out again.

 

We brought them into the world and I and my ex wife would never see them destitute, nor would any of their extended family on either side of the marriage.

 

But, at the same time I have no worries about either of them earning their own way in the world, indeed I expect it.

 

More importantly, they expect it of themselves.

[waveseer]

It took until my mid 30's to really start to appreciate my mom's wisdom. It took until my mid 40's to re-establish a relationship with her as an adult and a friend.

 

I made a vow many years ago to raise my children in such a manner that they could have me in their lives on a daily basis with no misgivings at any age.

 

Adult children who are not in school full time should pay rent, whether they live at home or not.

[anya1607307555]

No I'm pretty much over it. I gave up my life and moved home to be closer to my family. They had other ideas. My mum had a chance to be that close and loving mother. That is not what she wants to do. IF when she gets older she decides that is what she wants well then too bad.

 

but did you return to the family home with the mindset that you left, because you talk a lot of 'should bes/should haves' with a very rigid view of what you expect from people. perhaps you would find a mental shift, rather than a physical one more beneficial? the onus appears to be on your mother to change if there is to be any reconcilliation, perhaps one day you will accept her for who she is and not who you want her to be, and then you may find your relationship will alter.

[CaptainPlanet]

I don't know where this idea that you should be self sufficient and awesome at 25 comes from.

 

Most people I know either live at home, or live out of home and are rather poorer than they would be at home. Most people I know who live out just scrape by. The real go getters are still living at home. I just realised those with the best careers are still at home. Two of them have recently moved out but that is after having a fully funded education, only moving out once they started a well paying career. I am talking at least $55,000 per year,

[Mavh25]

Personally I find it a bit odd to be at home at the age of 30, I think alot of other people do too unless theres good reason. Most people don't want to stay at home and rely on parents still... obviously if you were stuck your parents should'nt expect you to get out there.. but still

 

There is a guy at my husbands work, he is 27, great job where he is but he still lives with his parents, all the guys in work think its fairly odd, as hard as it is people just expect you to go out on your own at some point. Cant expect to be wrapped in cotton wool forever. When your parents are gone, what then?