Am I really going Crazy?

[X3]

OK people who know my other username on here, please refrain from using it in this thread, as I want this post to be as annonumus as I can make it.

 

My boyfriend and I are having some slight problems.

 

I was abused for a lot of my childhood, and some years of my teens, and in a sense I still am being abused.

 

Some of the abuse was sexual, and I get frequent nightmares from it, (my boyfriend knows this) meaning I can trigger during sex, foreplay or anything else associated with sex.

 

This has reduced greatly the amount of sex we have been having. I know it frustrates him, because I still get turned on, and I want to do it, but then I trigger and it's gone. My boyfriend has said in not so nice a ways, that it gets to him, (remember not so nice a ways as that). It gets to me too, and he does know that.

 

My boyfriend and I are in a LDR meaning we see each-other monthly at best. We recently updated our accessories in the sexual department, and I was able to use that, but not him, which I know would get to my boyfriend, but I can't help about triggering. I hate not having sex, and I hate triggering. How can I get him to realize this is not something I can control. And how can I over come this? I am in therapy, and have been on and off for a few years now.

 

Thanks in advanced for any advice received.

 

[Sn0man]

I don't think this is what you're looking for, but you should not be in a relationship until you have resolved your problems. You are only bringing them into your relationship and basically making your boyfriend live your past.

 

Abuse is no small thing and there is no quick fix. But honestly, how can you put yourself in a relationship when you have no ability to trust? It just won't work.

 

You need to learn how to trust again first.

[X3]

You're right that isn't what I am looking for, but what you are saying, is very true.

 

But I do trust my boyfriend, and I know he would never hurt me. Any other advice? As other than the sexual side, the relationship is normal, happy and seemingly amazing.

[Sn0man]

Well I wonder if you say you trust him but somehow you just don't, because you simply can't.

 

That would be very understandable, given your prior history of abuse. Sometimes you can deny so hard that even you convince yourself you have trust when you do not.

 

Because that's what it boils down to, trust. The only reason you would "trigger" is from fear, and fear is a result of a lack of trust. I'm not saying your bf is untrustworthy, but apparently you aren't yet ready to trust him with what is obviously the most vulnerable part of you.

[X3]

I do trust him, it is mostly after a nightmare when I trigger. We have had sex without me triggering many times, which makes me believe that is not the problem.

[Sn0man]

Does the fact that you only see eachoother once a month have anything to do with it? Are you maybe afraid that because you don't see him as much as you'd like to due to LDR, you are sometimes strangers when you do see eachother?? That I can definitely see causing your triggers.

[X3]

I have thought that, but I then thought I was trying to make up some sort of excuse. And I must admit the sex was more, when we were closer together. I don't feel like we are strangers as such, but we have little involvement in each-others lives, and when we are apart, we are completely different people, not the people we were when we lived closer to one another.

 

So if that is the problem, how can I resolve it?

[Sn0man]

By being closer together, or by making a deliberate attempt while you're apart to stay close together through constant communication.

[X3]

At the moment, being closer together is not yet an option, but it might be, come July/August time. We do have constant communication. But none of our communication involves sexual talk? Would do you think, that help? If we had phone sex, and managed through what we were saying to each-other and orgasm help when we are physically together? For a short while we did do this, but I cannot remember if it helped.

[Casey13]

Councelling

[X3]

I am in therapy' date=' and have been on and off for a few years now. [/quote']

 

Councelling

^^^^^^^^...

[TO_L8]

To bad human beings don't have a forget switch we can just flip to eliminate all the bad things that happen in life.

 

Have you tried "Role Playing". The idea here is for you and your boyfriend to take on completely different pesonalities. Discuss with your boyfriend what character you want to play, and also discuss with him what character you would like him to play, and set boundries (or rules) for the roleplay. Then 15 minites or so before you want to have sex, both of you start playing the roles. You are acting but your goal is to really get into your role. This can be really fun and exciting.

 

All The Best

[X3]

We have done that, and it did work for a while. But this was before the LDR. I might bring it up again, thanks for the idea.

[hiphop3]

i know you said youre in councelling but you said you're in it on and off. you should go as consistently as possible, and probably once a week. healing takes a long time though so be patient.

[X3]

I am in it continuously at the moment, although it is the holidays right now. But in the past I have been in therapy on and off. Sorry for the confusion.

 

[lansingway]

Depending on the seriousness of the relationship, talk to him about it. Whatever his response, try to be accepting that his reaction is honest.