Staying Strong When Your Spouse Begs

[beejcee]

Hello --

 

I will try to be brief here.

 

In January I will be divorced from my husband of 10 years. A year ago he was diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar. In the past nine months, he became a compulsive liar. He spent all of our saving without telling me and rang up $15,000 of credit card debt. He had two lengthy affairs -- getting engaged and buying a diamond ring for one of the other women.

 

He was suicidal and I had to call the police to our home several times and eventually I had to get a protection from abuse filed. His father eventually came and helped him move back to the west coast -- 2,000 miles away. This all came down in July and August. I spent the months since then mourning the end of our marriage.

 

With counseling and lots of good self care I have started to come to grips with things although I still feel much guilt over filing for divorce when I know many other wives have been able to stay with their mentallly ill husbands.

 

Last week my husband called me crying and begging me to take him back. My counselor says now that he has finally found an apartment and a job, he is now realizing what he lost in our relationship.

 

I feel like I am a terrible person because I refuse to take him back. I am trying to be kind and supportive to him but I can't imagine walking back into a relationship with him -- so I try not to lead him on while still expressing concern and support for him to get treatment.

 

I talked to another friend who is also getting divorced. She would give anything for her husband to call her up and beg her to take him back. She told me she wished she could be as cool and rational as I am about this.

 

In the past five months I have cried a million tears over the end of my marriage and I still find myself in tears often. I miss my husband. But I also cannot put myself in a situation where I will be cheated on and lied to again.

 

Any advice on how to help me stay strong and avoid obsessing about the guilt I am feeling?

 

I wish I could fast-forward through all of these upcoming holidays and wake up after Valentine's Day is over..... If you are going through a divorce at this time of year, I am sending good thoughts to all of you. Take care.

[redhearts]

A little too late, he cheated and proposed to someone. Ya don't take him back. Maybe get a new counselor? This one is telling you his progress almost to like someway feel something? HMM. Don't feel guilt or bad about this, you didn't do anything wrong.

[amipushy]

Whatever he is going through right now its not your fault, it is the consequence of his own stupid actions. You need to look out for you. Remember all those tears you cried? You will cry them all over again if you weaken and allow him back into your life.

 

Think of all the reasons why you left, why you NEEDED to leave, for you and for your sanity.

 

If he is pulling that stunt, he has not moved on or changed or done any of the things you wished deep in your heart he would do. He has not changed.

[Kalika]

My heart goes out to you. This is the invoked "in sickness and in death" clause - however, that clause does not mean that you have to be a doormat.

 

Why not give it time? He's apparently just starting to stabilize and start work. He should be stable for a very, very long time before you should consider it. And you can tell him that. Not give him false hope, but just tell him it's way, WAYYY too early for you to even consider taking him back this soon. And it's selfish of him to ask before he's truly ready. I feel like if he was really ready to ask you back, he would get himself on firm ground before coming after you again.

 

That aside, he should also be stable as far as having a reliable healthcare psychiatrist onboard and taking all of his meds - no exceptions. Only when he can prove to you his effort is 400% should you even bother continuing conversations of this matter.

[dreamwarrior]

From a personal stand point...after 10 years of this nonesense...noway...I dealt with a guy who is bipolar and in noway would I ever take him back for any reason. Move on and save yourself...heck why feel bad for divorcing him...he wants you back after not one but 2 affairs, in which he gave another woman a ring and proposed marriage!! Come on! No way !!!!!!!!!!!!! Life is to short...get that dead weight off your back and take care of yourself...crying and begging such BS !!

[redhearts]

Another thing the friend who wishes her ex partner would beg it may have not been as bad as yours.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think you're doing a great job, and you're handling this with your head, instead of your heart, which is the only way, after what you've been through.

 

You have to think of "YOU" right now, and he has to deal with the consequences of what he did. Please don't take him back, you can't fix him, all you can do is move forward.

 

As far as getting engaged, and giving another woman a diamond, while he was married to you...All I can say is "OUCH"!!!

 

Wishing you the best...

[beejcee]

thanks for all of your responses.

 

it helps to hear from people who really understand what a painful process divorce really is.

 

i think what makes me so conflicted about all of this is how much of his actions can be attributed to mental illness and how much of it choice.

 

i guess since i've already cried my million tears, it's his turn now to cry his over losing me.

 

tough love is still love, right?

 

i'm truly sorry all of you have had to go through this painful process....

[FedUp7]

I made the mistake of taking him back after he begged and I believe that the only reason he wanted me back was to harm me... Because that's all he did after I took him back... I hope you stay strong, it hurts more the next time(s) around... I'm mad at myself for it and I even got another baby after that last take back.

[pivotal]

Mourn losing the marriage.

 

Adopt coping skills to get yourself strong again.

 

Quite pitiful for him to ask you that at this point.