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Pregnant, hurt, in despair with husband. Don't have a clue what to do. Feel like I'm hit by bus.


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I have been having a hard time with my husband. In general, he asks a lot of me. I ask very little of him, mainly because he cannot communicate about topics well and loses control easily.

 

I am overwhelmed. Feel miserable. Have migraines weekly from stress of doing most things at home myself being pregnant with three other children (two from a previous marriage=one with special needs- and one baby from this husband).

 

I am pregnant, just moved, and have an overwhelming amount of work that has piled up. It's all on me. He would disagree although all he does at home is do the dishes every three days or so and take out the trash every three or four). He does occasionally watch the baby while I take a nap, but this is very rare. This pregnancy has been my most difficult concerning sickness and fatigue. I am useless half the day and feel completely overwhelmed.

 

I told him this just this morning when he came home from work. He works all night in law enforcement. He then sleeps all day and then goes back to work even on his days off, with a one hour commute one way (two hours total per day). I attempted to communicate my feelings of being overwhelmed to him. I cried and was not angry. He describes me as angry whenever I am sad because it seems he doesn't know how to deal with emotions or my crying at all. Seems like a good excuse for him to just fly off the handle.

 

During my expression of my feelings (three or four sentences into it), he gets up and walks out of the room without a word. I ask him to come back, so he does but stays quiet and looks angry. I ask if he's alright. He says Yes. During my next crying and telling him how i feel phase, he does it again. Gets up, walks out.

 

By this time, yes, I am offended. This all started with him asking if I mind if HE takes a nap (his day off), and I thought that yes, he should. I then just asserted myself and told him I do need a nap today as well. My time has been forgotten, and I need to get a break to exercise for the health of the pregnancy. this was before I began crying and explaining my stress load.

 

Anyway, he then begins berating me for saying how I feel , and not just telling him what i need. But I told him four times that I just need to talk about what times during the week I can rest, nap, or exercise. He kept walking out or would not say a word at all.

 

I then brought up that I dont' bring these things up usually because he said before he gets sick to his stomach thinking about coming home, and that I didn't want to stress him out. But I need to bring up issues SOMEHOW. He said I am always mad, and that is why he gets sick. This is absolutetly untrue...we have had a great marriage for the last six months or so.

 

Before I know it, he's yelling at me, I am pathetically failing at getting a word in or defending myself and trying to yell over him. He's calling me a * * * * * , * * * * * (curse for prostitute...because according to him I've slept with more than one man and I was his only), making fun of my special needs son...telling me I'm a bad mother with comments about how I raise the kids. I promise you all I am a wonderful mother, and I devote my life to my children. I live for them now, until they are old enough to be on their own.

 

So I became enraged at the comments and threw a light marker at him and it hit him in the back. Then a sponge (light), and spit at him. So he spit back. He begins throwing everything around in the kitchen, yelling at me and then cleaning up. Breaking more, totally out of control, yelling, cleaning it up . I am sobbing because the baby is terrified, and he tells me to shut up and quit my sniffling.After a couple of hours, I called our marriage counselor, and he offered to see us right away FOR FREE. When I nicely asked my husband if he wanted to go, he said, "What, so you can bash on me the whole time and say you do everything when I AM THE ONE THAT DOES EVERYTHING? That's f'ing b--- s---!!! NO, I'm not going!!I have too much to do!" He continued to clean the whole place while angrily throwing and breaking things. I never expected him to clean anything.

 

 

I am so shocked this even happened. I am depressed, hate myself, wish I were a better more valuable wife to him... feel ugly, unworthy, useless. None of the things he said are true to me. But they are obviously true to him. I have been thinking about doing the following:

 

1. Leave for a couple of days to cool off, maybe come back when he agrees to counseling.

 

2. Leave for a week, spend the holidays at my mom's house and come back when he has agreed to get some help

 

3. Call his work on a totally confidential line (no bosses would know anything about it), and ask for counseling help from law enforcement specialists.

 

 

4. Tell him I would like a separation until he can clean up his act.

 

Do any of you think I could change anything? I need help! Most of the time things are GREAT. This has happened before, and I never know when the next time will come. I feel as though I am losing this marriage.

 

Thank you,

 

Spearntime

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I'm sorry you are in such a stressful situation while you are pregnant. It's great that you want to take a positive action right away, that's so awesome. I suggest you do the first three items on your list simultaneously. You are loveable, your hormones are making this much harder on you than it would be if you weren't pregnant. You are beautiful and as a mother to be you are the worthiest it gets.

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You first need to try to calm down, and if he won't go to counseling with you, go by yourself.

 

Next, don't ever throw anything at him again, whether it is something light or not, or spit on him, because that is physical assault and can escalate violence. It is not OK for him to be physically violent and assault you, but it is also not right for you to physically assault him either or bait him like that. You both need anger management counseling, not just him.

 

If you feel you are in physical danger, then leave the house immediately and stay gone until he has calmed down and will go to counseling with you, or call 911 if he assaults your person or you fear for your physical welfare.

 

I am not sure what anonymously calling a hotline and saying he needs counseling will do, other than make him angrier at this point, and possibly jeopardize his job. If you think you are in physical danger, leave the house and get away from him, but since you were the one that started the physical violence by throwing things at him, and he did not touch you, at this point it means both of you have a problem, not just him.

 

Your best bet is to try to let both of you calm down and then try to get him to go into counseling. If he won't then perhaps you can separate for a while til you cool off and can talk rationally.

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Yes, I see your point. I have been seriously abused as a child and almost killed by a boyfriend. When I am being threatened, I tend to lash out in attempts to defend myself because I get enraged with people who are abusive in any way. It makes me very angry. I will not throw things anymore.

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I would offer that he needs personal counseling, for all thats worth. His job is very stressful and he is, from what I can tell, out of his mind. He just isn't himeslf and he is in dispair.

 

He is also abusing you and your children. Those names and words are weapons. Get the kids and yourself out of there...it will hurt them, more than I can say,to see thier mother so terribly disrespected.

 

To save this you have to just let it go. Get out and get help.

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It's hard because I have family FAR away, and no where to stay unless I go to a women's shelter. ??? I feel trapped.

 

I have stayed at a women's shelter, they are pretty good places to be. It's hard to imagine how much difference a safe environment can make, but it really does. It's a good place to plan your next step.

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Yes, he has been treated by an occupational therapist for months. The DR. noticed his weight was dropping after he had surgery. Not sure why that was. He just would not eat. Blood work came back normal, so we have been very successful with oT Therapy. He is doing so well, I would hate to botch it up.

Thanks for being here for me. My family is not aware. I'm pretty proud. I do make lots of excuses. This is so hard. I have migraines, fatigue, etc....ugh....

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I could. I am afraid because I am usually the strong one helping everyone else. I just wish I could solve it all here with my husband without leaving. But, what are the chances of that?

 

Let's set the whole throwing/yelling/breaking things aside for a moment. He will not listen to you, support you in something as simple as a nap much less take on his full home responsibilities. You need a break from that.

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I swear I haven't. I have been in counseling for two years just to prepare to marry him. I know I'm not perfect but I sure as heck am not telling HIM he's a piece and putting down every aspect of HIS being. Honestly. I compliment him everyday and have made it a point to wake up everyday and think of what I can do to make his life wonderful. I just want it reciprocated.

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Sorry I confused you. But look I'm not saying but half the blame on yourself. Some people, well most or lets say no one changes unless they want to change. No one can improve their situation unless they take the action for themselves, you have gotten therapy right? You have done your part, you have stuck by through all the bS. Now its your turn to be strong and to be happy. Maybe you do have to move on.

 

You can't center your life on what will make your partner happy when your not happy and he isn't even trying to make you happy. Its one sided and your just getting hurt. It is an unhealthy relationship and having a way out can only be a good thing for you.

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You say you have a history of abuse. Don't take abuse anymore! Leave! I have a special needs son on the autism spectrum. I had a bf make fun of him once. I left and never talked to him again! No one makes fun of my son, no one! Get to a shelter before he hurts one of the kids.

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"Sorry I confused you. But look I'm not saying but half the blame on yourself. "

 

That's okay. Would it be a bad horrible idea to ask him to read this and make a comment? I just saw a thread where the husband commented as well. It sort of gave his side of the story. I guess I just really want it to be balanced.

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