Not too keen on daughter's visit

[spinstermanquee]

Since kid went to university her visits are seldom and calls/emails even less.

 

She wants to come for 10 days this winter break and I think it's too long. I am just not into being the launching pad for her hooking up and partying.

 

I would prefer a visit of 4-5 days and if she wants to conduct her business elsewhere then she is free to do so without parental embarrassment.

 

How do I communicate this without coming accross as punishing or embarrassing her?

[redrose85]

That seems a little cold... but then again, I don't know your kid. Is it at all possible that she wants to catch up with you, and spend the holidays with you, after a busy semester at school?

[southerngirl]

I don't know how your going to communicate that to her. It probably would hurt her very badly.

 

She is probably planning to be home for 10 days as that is how long her break is. She might not even think you wouldn't want to see her.

 

Where would you suggest that she stay if she is not going to stay with you?

[spinstermanquee]

Hey thank you so much for your replies.

 

To answer where would she stay - at her grandparents' home, at her best friend's home (where she can have male guests as was demonstrated last summer), at her second best friend's home, etc.

 

I'm not putting her out in the cold, I just don't want male guests in my home...

[Sn0man]

If your daughter is a partying kind of girl and you don't want that kind of thing around you for the holidays, why not set her up with a motel or something while she's in town? That way she could do her thing without it having any impact on you or any of the family (as you wouldn't be aware of it - ignorance is bliss ) and she would still be able to see you for the duration of the holiday?

[spinstermanquee]

Her break is considerably longer and she has other "reservations" at this time. I am not putting her out into the wild on her own. I just don't want to be "hoteling" her for such a long period of time.

 

And - yeah I do feel cold to insist not being taken advantage of. I would also prefer her to bring home a steady and not a hookup. It's discouraging to see my lovely child dole herself out to unimportant (to her) people. It is how it is, but that doesn't mean I have to embrace it...

[spinstermanquee]

If your daughter is a partying kind of girl and you don't want that kind of thing around you for the holidays, why not set her up with a motel or something while she's in town? That way she could do her thing without it having any impact on you or any of the family (as you wouldn't be aware of it - ignorance is bliss ) and she would still be able to see you for the duration of the holiday?

 

Great idea, thank you!!!

[redrose85]

I'm starting to see the bigger picture, and I can see where you are coming from. I guess your options are to say:

 

1. No boys in my house, no partying, etc...

2. Stay at her friends' place if she can't handle your rules.

[spinstermanquee]

Thanks very much for your input... all the best...

[jengh]

When I was just starting college, first and second year, my parents set ground rules. I was PISSED because I was used to doing my own thing... but now that it's been a few years, I completely understand where they were coming from. It's their house, I should respect their rules.

Now that I'm actually legal to drink, they're a LOT more lenient (plus, I've proved that I'm mature and responsible).

 

Maybe tell your daughter that there will be no partying going on under your roof and that she has to be home by x time and if she can't abide by said rules, she can go back to school early.

[spinstermanquee]

When I was just starting college, first and second year, my parents set ground rules. I was PISSED because I was used to doing my own thing... but now that it's been a few years, I completely understand where they were coming from. It's their house, I should respect their rules.

Now that I'm actually legal to drink, they're a LOT more lenient (plus, I've proved that I'm mature and responsible).

 

Maybe tell your daughter that there will be no partying going on under your roof and that she has to be home by x time and if she can't abide by said rules, she can go back to school early.

 

hmmm... thanx for input!

[jengh]

Oh, one more thing--I do agree that telling her you don't want her to stay is harsh. If my mom said that to me, I'd be heartbroken

 

Now, if she said I had to leave if I didn't abide by their rules, not so hurtful.

[spinstermanquee]

Oh, one more thing--I do agree that telling her you don't want her to stay is harsh. If my mom said that to me, I'd be heartbroken

 

Now, if she said I had to leave if I didn't abide by their rules, not so hurtful.

 

I completely agree. Thanx

[Sn0man]

When I was just starting college, first and second year, my parents set ground rules. I was PISSED because I was used to doing my own thing... but now that it's been a few years, I completely understand where they were coming from. It's their house, I should respect their rules.

Now that I'm actually legal to drink, they're a LOT more lenient (plus, I've proved that I'm mature and responsible).

 

Maybe tell your daughter that there will be no partying going on under your roof and that she has to be home by x time and if she can't abide by said rules, she can go back to school early.

Nah, this would throw a huge damper on her visit, and would probably result in her not making the same 'mistake' again. If you don't want her to visit you on the holidays, go ahead with this advice.

[jengh]

Nah, this would throw a huge damper on her visit, and would probably result in her not making the same 'mistake' again. If you don't want her to visit you on the holidays, go ahead with this advice.

 

If you say so. I was a huge party girl my first couple years of college. But, I also respected my parents' wishes after awhile. I was pissed at first, yes, but I still wanted to see them.