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I am hurting so much right now...fiance wants to call off the wedding and break up


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I can't even describe the pain I am feeling right now. I don't know who to turn to because neither of us have told family and friends yet. So I thought I would come here since people on here seem to be very supportive and helpful. Here is what is going on.

 

I suffer from depression. It tends to get worse come winter. I think it has something to do with less exposure to sunlight since it gets dark much earlier. I am on an anti-depressant, but it seems that everytime winter comes around, I am super depressed. On top of that, lately, I have been thinking a lot about getting married to my fiance. We were supposed to get married in September 2009. For some reason, I've started to get nervous about getting married. I think everyone who gets married gets a little nervous, but I'm not sure if it is normal if you are getting nervous 10 months away from the wedding. On top of that, my fiance and I just moved in together a month ago, and for some reason I feel a bit uncomfortable about it due to the nerves I have about the wedding I guess.

 

Anyway, I kept these feelings inside and didn't tell her. So those feelings that I held back coupled with my depression made me a miserable person. And she caught on and could tell that I had been acting miserable lately. We had been fighting a lot as well. So eventually I decided to tell her what I had been feeling and how I had been nervous about getting married but I still loved her and wanted to be with her and did indeed want to marry her whether it was when we had planned or at another date. She was glad that I was honest and we worked things out and talked things through and decided we would go ahead and get married as planned.

 

We were getting along for a week or so, but then one day I was acting very depressed and it led to a huge discussion where I basically told my fiance that I was very depressed and had a lot of issues and that I didn't see in a point in life and was very unhappy with my life. She took this to mean basically I was unhappy with her and our relationship and didn't want to marry her. She said that if you are engaged and about to get married, it should be the happiest time of your life and there is no reason to be depressed.

 

She has a point and she is right. But I tried to explain to her that I have a family history of depression and I had these issues with depression long before I met her. She still feels like I am depressed solely because I do not want to be with her and get married. She feels like I never wanted to marry her and wonders why I even proposed in the first place.

 

I told her I wanted to marry her when I proposed and I still do want to marry her, but I just got a little bit nervous about it. Then when I told her I felt uncomfortable living together at the moment, she was hurt even more. She feels like I have been nervous about getting married since I proposed, which isn't true. She feels like I wasn't honest with her because I didn't tell her this stuff earlier. She feels like I screwed her over because I proposed and she thought I wanted to marry her and now I am nervous about it and she thinks I don't want to be with her and she feels like I screwed her over with the living situation because we moved in together and now I feel uncomfortable and she feels like I knew this all along and didn't tell her.

 

Basically she feels like she can't marry someone who is miserable all the time and who is unsure about getting married, and she definitely can't have children with someone like that either. I tried to explain to her that I just had a little bit of cold feet but I really do want to marry her and I just have to work through my depression and I can be happy.

 

She feels betrayed and she said she can't trust me anymore or wait around for me to get better because she is afraid I will do the same thing again. So she wants to call off the wedding and separate and wants me to move out in a month. I am so hurt and this is really hard especially because it is around the Holidays and our families were supposed to spend time together and now this. We are contemplating whether to tell them before or after the Holidays.

 

I am sorry for the long rant, but I am hurting so much and I don't know what to do or how I can convince her that I do want to marry her and be with her. I have broken her trust before and I am scared that this is the last straw and that I can never get her to trust me again. I feel like I am going to lose the best thing I have ever had :sad:

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She doesn't want to be with a depressed person and she has a point that it's a bit far along to let her know you have it. You cannot recover until you take full responsibility for yourself and your condition. Incidentally, this attiude with help the most with your relationship as well.

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Maybe she feels like you are using your depression as an excuse. Outside of the meds you are taking, what else do you do to help yourself? Do you exercise? Get out in the sun during daylight hours? Avoid alcohol? Pursue hobbies and interests that will get you outside of your own head regularly?

 

I can't say I blame her for feeling like this. I do think that if you show her that you are making a bigger effort to be less miserable, she might respond. But it just doesn't sound like you are in any state to be having a relationship with someone right now, period.

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Yeah, I don't make enough effort to better myself. I started to exercise regularly, but that isn't enough, I don't make the effort to do other things like pursuing interests or hobbies. And while I am not an alcoholic, I sometimes drink by myself when I am feeling down. I just need to make the effort to do things to make myself better and maybe that will make a difference. I guess all I can do now is respect her decisions and just get better, not to win her back, but for my own good.

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I think you really need to work on your happiest first. If you are not happy, then you cannot make her happy and then the relationship is doomed to fail. Even if you got married, that is not going to make your depression go away. And then you'll have the same issues, except you would be husband and wife. Once you take hold of your depression, you can re-enter the relationship a much more healthy person, which will make the relationship between you and her stronger. Have you've been seeing a therapist?

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Do you think you might have Seasonal Affective Disorder? You might talk with your fiancee about scheduling the wedding for the summer months. Hopefully she will be understanding.

 

Your fiancee's behavior is normal -- she is feeling like you don't love her as much as she thought you did, because now she sees you as having doubts.

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I don't know what to do or how I can convince her that I do want to marry her and be with her. I have broken her trust before and I am scared that this is the last straw and that I can never get her to trust me again.

 

You said last straw with a good reason, right?

I assume she bottled things up and this was the final straw which was quite of a disappointment to her.

You do realise that you proposed her and then changed your mind about it by asking for a grace period?

That would make even the strongest person incredibly hurt.

And even the most reasonable ones would contemplate braking up with you.

In my eyes depressed or not this is a sign you are not ready to get married right now and what scares your SO is if you're not now when you will be?

Is there a warranty you will be able to marry her? How many more disappointments she has to go through? Why should she?

 

 

 

Are you really sure you have a right to ask her back?

I mean, what are the chances she already made too much compromises and her wishes/feeling were being neglected for a long time (not because you want it that way but because you can't do better at the moment?).

 

I understand your pain completely and you have every right to feel like you do.

But this affected her pretty badly and just a promise things will get better won't work in the long run.

 

Are you only on meds or in therapy?

What do you do to make your depression better during winter?

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I am on meds but I recently just started seeing a therapist as well. The only thing I really do in the winter to make my depression better is work out at the gym, but I haven't been doing much of that lately either. I guess all I can do is focus on getting myself better and not worry about whether she will take me back. I guess I can't handle a serious comittment and relationship if I am depressed like I have been. I need to make myself better first. This is what I must do.

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You can't force it upon yourself if you're not ready. Maybe you should take some time and see someone who can help you with the depression. And the next time you're involved or get serious with someone, be sure to make them aware of who you are and don't conceal your identity. Cause eventually things come out and when they do later than earlier, it gets kind of ugly.

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If you have Seasonal Affective Disorder, the therapy for that is to get more natual (outdoor) light. They also have light boxes that have full spectrum light that you can use inside the house for a few hours a day when reading/working etc.

 

Re: the engagement, your fiance is right to not consider marrying until you are really sure you want to marry.

 

I think your best bet is to try to get her to attend some couples counseling with you to see whether you really can try to work on this rather than just break up. But if she won't even attend counseling with you and has made up her mind to move out, then you should just focus on yourself and your own therapy until you are feeling better and find an effective solution to your depression.

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