Young and in danger of losing my wife

[Viper55666]

Hi,

me and my wife have been married for around 7 months, we have been together for just under 5 years. Shortly after our wedding my father was diagnosed with a terminal illness which has played havoc with my emotions. It has maek me quite depressed and I have lost the will to go out and enjoy myself. I am 23 and my wife is 22 so we are both still quite young and obviously she still wants to go out and live life which i'm struggling with at the moment (although have just started to get professional help). My depression has caused problems up to now with me not being very affectionate as im always feeling low but we have managed to overcome them. Now it seems that my wife has got to the point where she cant take it anymore, she cant see there being any change and things have changed too much for the worse. She says that shes still loves me but cant go on like this and needs time to work out what she really wants. I'm so scared of losing her as she is my world and has been for the past 5 years. Thinking of life without her makes me feel sick. What can I do?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

Glenn

[Supa_gurl]

Glenn,

Unfortunately by making her (not really your fault) endure your depression made her numb. She now needs to sort things out in her head to make it better. I went through a similar situation. Unfortunately I could not find my way back after being pushed so much. Hopefully because you two are so young, YOU can. Best of luck. (hugs)

[tylercdurden2004]

I'm so scared of losing her as she is my world and has been for the past 5 years. Thinking of life without her makes me feel sick.

 

Glenn

 

 

Hi Glenn. I think the first thing you need to do is lose the above attitude. Making her the centre of your world, while romantic and all, isnt really something that creates attraction. She has lost her attraction for you for some reason.

 

The thing you need to do is not worry about keeping her. You lived 10-20 years without her before, you will live another 10-20 and probably more without her. Trying to keep her is not going to get to the root cause which is probably some behaviour you are doing or possibly she never did really feel attracted to you. Only in the first case, your behaviour, can you change something.

[alli]

I'm so sorry your dad is terminally ill. What is his illness and how much time does he have?

 

This is a tough situation for all of you. How long has it been since you found out he is ill? It would be easy for me to say your wife is being a selfish baby for only thinking of herself in her desire to "go out" & being upset that you don't feel like it while your father is dying, but people who are not directly affected by the loss of a loved one have a hard time understanding why the mourning lasts so long until they are in that situation themselves.

 

You said that you are getting help. You should really take her with you. Your marriage vows said "for better or for worse" and the worse came sooner than she thought it would. I think if she has a better understanding of what you're going through she will be more empathetic. She knows who you were before this happened, and one day you will be that happy person again, it just takes some time. It's a sad day when one spouse leaves another because they are going through a tough time. Take her to counseling with you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I totally agree with this although I am more inclined to be harsh regarding the attitude of your wife and say that she is indeed being a bit selfish under the circumstances. Does she provide any emotional support to you regarding your father's illness and poor prognosis? Does she understand what the impending death of a parent can do to a person? Going to counseling is an excellent idea...I would also suggest that both of you sit down together and discuss why you are feeling down. This is her first test regarding her marriage vows "in sickness"...if she can't handle the fact that you are not Mr. Happy right now because your father is dying, then perhaps it is better to find out what kind of character she really has when life is not all peachy. You don't need a fairweather spouse who is only in it for the good times...marriage is also about supporting someone through the sad times. The two of you need to have a talk and you need to spell it out to her...if you lose her because of this then she totally failed the marriage and didn't take her vows seriously.

[Viper55666]

Thanks for the replies,

 

Alli - I found out about his illness a week before my wedding but didn't understand how serious it was until I got back from the honeymoon. Im not sure what its called but its a degenerative muscle disease, so hes basically wasting away. Hes been rapidly deteriorating over the last fortnight and the general consensus is that he wont see xmas.

 

tylercdurden2004 - Whilst i appreciate you taking the time to reply to my post, how can anyone still in love with their newlywed bride not be worried about losing them?!? Have you ever actually been in love?

 

Supa_gurl - me to!

[Viper55666]

Crazyaboutdogs - Thanks for the post, i can see why it may seem like that from the outside but I also understand why shes feeling the way she is as the man she married has been absent since the wedding. And theres obviously a lot more to it than there is room to post but she has been my pillar of support since I found out how bad things were getting but I suppose there comes a time when everyone has to think about themselves. I will take the suggested advice and see if she will come to counciling with me. I just hope that its not too late and we dont end up as another number in the divorce statistics.

 

Thanks everyone who posted, its comforting to know that there are people out there who care enough to give others their time.

 

Glenn

[george237]

Man she sounds like a catch. You are in your time of need and she tells you she can't take it anymore. I am sorry but if my father was on his death bed I think I would be a little down in the dumps as well and I would expect my SO to be there for me, which she clearly isn't. It isn't like you are not getting help from a therapist and any logical person would understand that you don't walk into therapy sad and come out picking daisy's.

I would tell her good riddens. You are better off without her because she will prob leave you later on down the road anyway.

[alli]

It is easy to read this, not be the one in the middle of the situation & call her selfish. But from her perspective, the entire time she has been married her spouse has been depressed. With good reason, but still. We would never say you are being selfish for being upset your dad is dying because, after all, he is the one dying. She is upset that her husband is depressed, & that seems understandable.

 

Now, if she entirely dismissed your reasons for being depressed & thinks you should "snap out of it", that would be wrong. If she has been there for you & it's now starting to wear on her that seems pretty normal.

 

For her to leave you, or threaten to leave you, THAT would be selfish. I don't think 7 months is a long enough time to destroy any chance of fixing this. And it's not like you guys are bickering & say you hate eachother, right? That type of thing is what destroys relationships. I really think if you both go to counseling your marriage has a shot.

[Viper55666]

Alli - Thank-you so much! Your post has given me hope where I suspected there was none. you are spot on with your comments I dont feel she is being selfish for being the way she is after all we are young and the chance to enjoy our youth before we settle down and start a family is quickly disappearing so I understand why is gets down because my situtation is stopping her from leading the life we were both expecting. Councilling seems to be the obvious answer and hopefully she will agree. She has always been there for me, I just hope this wont be the undoing of us.

 

Thanks again

 

Glenn

[george237]

Alli - Thank-you so much! Your post has given me hope where I suspected there was none. you are spot on with your comments I dont feel she is being selfish for being the way she is after all we are young and the chance to enjoy our youth before we settle down and start a family is quickly disappearing so I understand why is gets down because my situtation is stopping her from leading the life we were both expecting. Councilling seems to be the obvious answer and hopefully she will agree. She has always been there for me, I just hope this wont be the undoing of us.

 

Thanks again

 

Glenn

 

Really? Where is she now? Complaining that she has to deal with someone who is depressed that his father is dieing.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Thanks for the replies,

 

Alli - I found out about his illness a week before my wedding but didn't understand how serious it was until I got back from the honeymoon. Im not sure what its called but its a degenerative muscle disease, so hes basically wasting away. Hes been rapidly deteriorating over the last fortnight and the general consensus is that he wont see xmas.

 

tylercdurden2004 - Whilst i appreciate you taking the time to reply to my post, how can anyone still in love with their newlywed bride not be worried about losing them?!? Have you ever actually been in love?

 

Supa_gurl - me to!

 

 

I suspect your father has ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease)? If so that is a very very difficult disease...it is hard on the patient and hard on the families who have to watch as their loved one suffers physically and emotionally as they become totally dependent on others. It is understandable that you should be worried about losing your wife...but in a situation like this your wife should not be making you feel like you have to make a choice or that you are at risk for losing her. You may be newlyweds but my goodness, s**t happens in life and it doesn't always take into account when a person got married. You may not be the happy person you were before the wedding, but if she had any ounce of compassion she would not make such a big issue of it at this point in time and she would understand that you can't always control what goes on in your life. Do you really want to pretend to be happy just so she sticks around....you are unhappy because your father is sick and dying...what does your wife expect you to do, go out drinking and partying? You are making far too many excuses for her...yes she is young...but she was old enough to get married and supposedly deal with the responsibilities of marriage. The timing of this setback in your life is unfortunate but that is what life has dealt you as a couple...she either has to roll with the punches or stamp her foot like a child saying "you are not fun since we got married and I don't want to roll with the punches". If the latter then she is not marriage material.

[george237]

What I was getting at. Great post.

[tangi39]

I have a husband who suffers from severe depression. And let me tell you, it is NOT as easy as it seems. So, I really think you should cut your wife some slack here. I don't think she's being selfish for wanting love from her newly wedded husband. She's only human.

 

You have a right to be upset. Understandably so, I'm sure you love your father very much.

 

But if you want my honest opinion, I think you BOTH need to be a little more compromising.

 

I am very sorry about your father. I'm sure that must be hard.

However, IMVVHO, I don't think it's wise to shut out the rest of the world, as that won't make the situation any better. Yes, I would expect your wife to show you love and support during this time. BUT, you also need to show her that you are not going to ignore her when a tough situation occurs.

I'm not saying you need to shower her with roses every day- I don't think she is expecting that either. But why can't you go to dinner and a movie ?

It's unfair to ask her to close herself off from life. I'm sure she doesn't expect you to make love to her 24/7- But I can tell you- It hurts when your husband shows no physical interest in you, for whatever reason.

After all, if the situation were reversed- and it was her father- While you'd understand and trying to be supportive- I'm sure you'd still want her to show you some affection and do things with you. Not close herself off from you and everyone else.

 

Being the spouse of someone who is depressed can be extrodinarily difficult.

When looking in on a situation it is easy to say it is just my husband who goes through it. But I go through just as much as he does. So, believe me when I say I'm sure your wife is hurting too.

 

Taking the situation as a general statement- If you were to say _

Would you be able to love someone and show unfailing love and demonstrate neverending support if they showed you none ?

A lot of people would say no. It's hard to give and give and give, eventually one needs to receive. Even if it's just a little.

 

Yes, I know the marriage vows well- And she absolutely should be understanding, caring, supportive and in all other ways there for you 100 %.

And yes, she does need to be aware that tough times like this in marriage will occur. She does need to keep a little more open of a mind right now.

But I also think you need to show her that just because you are going through this doesn't mean you've forgotten about her.

Welcome to hurdle # 1 in your marriage- be 100 % assured that there are many more to come. You two need to learn to effectively communicate your needs to each other and how to compromise.

 

I'm glad you've sought help for your depression and now perhaps you two should seek marriage counseling.

But before you do that, I highly recommend talking to her yourself.

Being the caregiver of someone who's sick can be just as trying as being sick yourself. Try to keep that in mind.

 

I think your marriage can be saved. I think you two love each other but just don't know how to resolve a situation like this yet. I think this issue can be worked out if you are both patient and try to step into each other's shoes.

I wish the best for you both.

And I sincerely hope the best for your father.

[alli]

Of course. I think it would be hard on anyone to start off a marriage under your circumstances. If she has been there for you like you said, I think there is hope. She needs reassurance that one day you will be back to your old self, and you need reassurance that she is not going to leave you before things have a chance to get better. I hope counseling helps you both.

[tylercdurden2004]

Thanks for the replies,

 

Alli - I found out about his illness a week before my wedding but didn't understand how serious it was until I got back from the honeymoon. Im not sure what its called but its a degenerative muscle disease, so hes basically wasting away. Hes been rapidly deteriorating over the last fortnight and the general consensus is that he wont see xmas.

 

tylercdurden2004 - Whilst i appreciate you taking the time to reply to my post, how can anyone still in love with their newlywed bride not be worried about losing them?!? Have you ever actually been in love?

 

Supa_gurl - me to!

 

Yes I have and am. I understand its not easy. However the reason for her leaving or distancing herself has to do with your actions to some degree. Whatever that degree may be. You focusing on trying to keep her is missing the point. Unless you change those actions that are driving her away all the hoping, thinking, and begging etc mean nothing.

 

My point is your point of action should be focussing on what you are doing that may be driving her away and not on her.

[Viper55666]

You make a good point, we talked the other night and she doesn't know what she wants anymore and that she doesn't know if she has anything left to give, she is staying with her sister until she can figure it out. From the conversation we had the chances of her coming back seemed very slim to say the least. But after a night away I got an email saying that she thinks she wants to give it another go and that she misses me but needs more time to figure out if thats what she really wants or if she just feels that way because we haven't been apart in so long. I emailed her back to reassure her that I love her and will do what ever it takes to make her happy again. But now i'm stuck in limbo, on the positive side time apart could make her miss me even more and realise that we have something worth fighting for and on the other she could realise that she would be better off without me. All I can do is wait and give her the time she needs to make a decision, its killing me!

[Kalika]

Viper -

I am sorry to say this - I know you love her, but she's not ready for marriage at all. I don't think that's what you want to hear.

 

You've been depressed for 7 months and she's already ready to call it quits. She's too young to handle the "aftermath" of walking down the aisle. Seven months is a grain of sand in in the longevity of a marriage. This is the first crisis of your marriage and she's already showing you how she handles it.

 

Frankly, I think she's too young to really understand what marriage is all about, and I think you were both too young to even consider marriage. Marriage takes unwavering sacrifice, compromise, and more sacrifice. It really requires that both partner puts the other partner first on the list - as opposed to friends, social life, etc. And it also means that both partners have 100% dedication to making it work, and refusing to call it quits at the first sign of trouble.

 

She is calling it quits too quickly.

 

That being said, I think you need to concentrate on family right now. If things are meant to be with her, she wont be gone long. If they're not, you'll find out as time goes, when she's more interested in living her own life.

 

Just my $.02.

[Viper55666]

Well, guess some people were right. shes left.

[Kalika]

I'm so sorry Viper. I hope you you are holding up OK.

[Viper55666]

Just trying to stay busy at the moment. Dont know what to do? Shes moved back in with her parents, everyone keeps telling me that shes young and inexperience has caused her to make a rash decision that given time she will regret and shes'll come back. But she says she doesn't love me or see me as her husband anymore, she still loves me but only as a friend. She also says that she wants to have her independance back and be able to go and do whatever she wants without having to worry about me. My head says that its DEAD! no hope of any come back. Unfortuanatly everyone around me and my heart keep telling me not to give up and she will go and enjoy herself for a couple weeks and realise that the grass isn't any greener on the other side and that she does still love me and come back. So what do I do? Listen to my head or my heart?

[Kalika]

I guess that depends on where you are mentally when she tries to come back to you.

 

Honestly though, she doesn't sound ready to be married AT ALL, so I don't know what the point would be if she DID come back to you .. She would probably just up and leave again as soon as it got too "domestic" for her. Honestly I am surprised that people are encouraging you to wait it out and be patient. If the marriage is conked out after 7 months.. SEVEN MONTHS!!.. it sounds like she shouldn't have accepted a marriage proposal in the first place.

 

She sounds incredibly immature, IMHO. Be thankful for small things - at least there are no children involved.

 

 

Some younger people love the idea of a big fancy wedding, and having their own place with their partner, and there's almost no thought to the aftermath...

[Viper55666]

I think you're right I dont think she was ready for marriage, I dont think shes going to come back and even if she did if this has happened before we've even made it to our first anniversay then what hope does the future hold?!? I just feel so alone, when ever I had a big problem like this she would be the one I would turn to for support. My parents cant help me, my dads in hospital with his own problems my mum... well lets just say she cant make sense of her own life let alone mine. My friends think the answer to all lifes problems is getting wasted. The only person I can talk honestly and openly with is my 'soon to be ex' mother in law, but she thinks that everyone goes through these problems and things will work out. I just want to let go and stop the pain but everything is just a constant reminder of her... I work for her parents company, I live in the house we bought together, every photo album I have is full of pictures of us, every memory I have is of us, the majority of my friends are our friends. how can I let go? how can I stop the pain? how can I stop feeling so alone?

[tylercdurden2004]

First off BS to the part about she wasnt ready. She wasnt ready to have a relationship with YOU plain and simple. If Brad Pitt had come along and swept her off her feet I doubt she would be packing it in after 7 months. Point is she probably said yes to you for all the wrong reasons when in fact she was probably never really all that attracted to you. Painful to hear? Yup. Something you dont want to hear? Yup. But the sooner you realize that if she was really into you that she wouldnt dare risk losing you the sooner you start to dwell in reality.

 

Second. Your parents, her, her mother and the bottle are not in control of your life nor can they do anything for you except offer a slight and temporary reprieve from the pain that is reality. Only you can take control of your life and deal with your issues. Forget about all four of those things mentioned above. Forget about avoiding the pain and start to feel it. Revel in it even. Enjoy the fact that you have the ability to take control of your life. Plain and simple.

 

Third. Your mom-in-law is wrong. Not everyone goes through these things. Some people do some people dont. She is doing her best to make you feel better but again it has nothing to do with the reality which is you are feeling pain and will for sometime. How long depends on how much you decide to take control of your life.

 

Fourth. Get on with your life. Do things that make you happy for you. Those hobbies you left by the wayside or always wanted to try. Take them up. That dream destination you always wanted to go to. Go to it. What ever it is go do it. Lifes to short to spend your time worrying about what could have been. Talking to others may give you persepective but only if they are honest enough to give you the cold had reality or truth. Talking to people who will only "make you feel better" isnt much different than talking to the bottle. Its a temporary reprieve.

 

Good luck.

[think89]

let her have some space..but don't get a divorce!! you'll regret it. Me and my ex sure did we where only married for 4 months at age 19 and 22 and let the financial stress and family pressure get to us.

I stopped talking to him and moved 5 hours away...we regret it now and are thinking about getting back together if you do need space from each other separate for a few days or weeks that's what we did at first...it went to far when we divorced...it's the worst pain i have ever been through..think about it...