Do I still have a chance? Advice please!

[bman]

Wow, it actually gives me relief even just to find this website. All of your words are sources of strength for me. My situation unfortunately is a little different I am hoping that since there seems to be such wisdom and experience on here you may be able to help me get over what I am going through.

 

I met my ex on the internet. I had just moved to a new city and didn't know anybody. Just in a chatroom one day bs'ing and we just clicked. The whole scenario followed, phone calls, pictures, visits, etc. I was amazed how I could feel that deeply for someone that I met in that way. We made the decision that she would move 2000 miles to be with me and she moved in. She was able to give me such an amazing amount of love and caring, something that I never had before even as a child. Stupidly I would reject her requests to go home with her and visit her family because it was to boring. I didn't realize the strain it put on her because of her close relationship with her mother.

 

When we met I told her what I wanted from life; to travel, no kids, not being married before 30 and she told me she wanted the same. About 4 years into the relationship the marriage thing came up again and I would deflect. We never fought and lived a happy life together. I always deep down wondered if she was the 'one'. She would do things to annoy me but her love was so amazingly strong I ignored it. I looked at it in this way; did true love or the 'one' really exist like in the movies ? Wouldn't it be impossible to find someone that catered to every single aspect of your perception ?

 

About 5 years into the relationship major life events were taking place back at her home; sick family members, best friend getting married, etc, etc. She decided that she would return home to be there for these events otherwise she would always regret not being there. I let her go, and we both agreed our love would be strong enuff to make it through. Obviously it wasn't. I couldnt travel there because of work and she couldnt either. After 5 months of being apart with 2 visits things were getting tough. She loved being home and I put my career in front of me moving there. I had been with her from the years of 21-26 and needed to go out, to meet other people, to 'sow my royal oats'. I looked at it as test that would prove to me if she was the 'one'. I called and told her I needed time effectively ending it.

 

I had fun over the summer being single in Vegas but realized it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. That the love and companionship she gave me was more important. She was already in the process of moving on and my communication with her often would just lead to anger and piss her off. Months later, October, I need to know. I went to visit her and it was like old times. We didn't sleep together but 'it' was there and we both knew it. We talked about me moving out there to be with her. She said she didnt want to make any decisions until December when she graduated. I respected her wishes and didn't push anything. I told her I had changed, that marriage, kids a future were all things I wanted. We started talking all the time again and things seemed like they were going great. Three weeks later I could tell there was a difference. She met someone, she said. Why couldn't I have changed my thinking earlier, what would she tell him (she had told him she was over me), it put to much pressure on her (me moving there).

 

We no longer talk much. I hear that she is in love that she is happy. I have such a hard time seeing that as possible (denial i know) but this guy doesn't seem right for her. Its a total rebound relationship. The guy is 6 yrs older with an exwife and kids. I know she looks at him and says 'oh he's made the committment before maybe ....'. We always seemed destined to be together. I feel that she won't talk to me because she knows if she does she might feel something, making her whole process less important. I have considered still moving there. Providing the setting for the chemistry to take place if the timing was right. She will only sometimes reply to an email. I waver from being okay with it to being downright OCD anxiental. I am sleeping with other people but I don't like it. The dating scene here is non-existant which doesn't help I know.

 

I am having a hard time. Is moving there absolutely pysco ? Even if its for a good job (I am thinking about relocating anyway)? I swear I would do anything to get her back. I have changed my priorities in life and when I think about a wife and a mother I couldn't think of anyone better. This entire situation is driving me CRRAAZZYYY. I know I f*'d it all up by not committing to her and by not being more understanding of her distance from her friends and family. She wants to be married so badly and I worry that she will marry this guy just because she will get her ring, her house and her status quo. The difference between this situation is that we were great together, their was no abuse, no infidelety just the whole distance from her family. If her family lived here we would still be together and probably planning our marriage.

 

I know this has been a long long read so if your still here and you have any advice for me at all please HELP ! I also have a secondary question, after reading everything on here I have decided to committ myself to the no contact rule. BUT, i have somethings that I feel like I need to say, following that rule am I able to send one last email or better to just let it go ?

[avman]

Hello bman,

 

Well it seems you've got a lot of regrets over what happened. And I can understand that. Unfortunately you can't go back and change the past. Whats done is done. You need to forgive yourself for all those things because you made the decisions you thought were right at the time.

 

I don't think you really stand much chance at re-establishing the relationship. I'm sorry. I just think the two of you have drifted apart. It happens. She's moved on now and whether she ends up with this guy or a future one its really irrelevant. You need to think about doing the same.

 

I think moving out there is a REALLY bad idea. You've rationalized that move as being for your career. But you know thats not really the reason. The reason is to be closer to her. And thats not healthy for you at all. You've said straight out you are having some compulsive behaviors now and this is not something you want to be doing. You could very well turn from a hurt ex boyfriend into a stalker type. And I don't think you really want to do that at all.

 

Her life is no longer your concern. She has to handle things herself. Its not up to you to decide who is "right" for her. She's got to figure all that out on her own. I know its tough to let go because its almost like admitting defeat. But its vital to let her be the person she is. Ultimately, if you love her, thats the nicest thing you could ever do for her.

 

Go ahead and grieve for your loss. Let it come. Allow yourself to let go of all the things that "could have been". Don't make any radical decisions right now on your career, moving, serious relationships, etc. You need to heal up from this first. THEN you can look at where you want your life to go.

 

You hang in there. Its going to be ok. It will take time, but it WILL be alright.

 

avman

[bman]

Is it stupid to think that I can remain friends with her ? She was my best friend for 5 years and I that loss hurts perhaps even more ...

[materia_goddess]

Hey bman,

 

Quite a story you have there. I understand you feel a lot for this girl, but the beginning years I feel weren't exactly fair on her part. She seems to be a bit ignored in the beginning, with her family life and such. I understand these were probably not big issues for either of you at the time, but they inevitably grew, and that's when these things need to be addressed.

 

Now, Im sure your intentions were pure, but overlooking her wants and needs in the beginning, only leads her to look elsewhere later. You allowed her to go home, which was fair of you, but it was only a matter of time till she settled back in at home, and figures, if she returned to you then, she would yet again be giving up a lot for you, something she probably reconsidered the second time round. Sure, at first you both agreed on a lot that was discussed, but things like marriage seemed to eventually creep up in her mind, but you waved them aside, hoping that ignoring the issue will eliminate her want for it.

 

The time you guys spent apart was a learning curve for the both of you. She discovered a new love, and you discovered how you really felt for her. The problem is, the timing is way off. When her whole heart was for you, you were confused about whether she was the one. Now that you are certain, she has already moved on. Don't be hard on yourself. It is in no way your fault. You being cautious in the beginning is normal, I feel she just needs to find someone a little more like herself. She jumps in without the need for being certain, where as you need that reassurance.

 

Its time to let go. She has moved on and now its time for you to. I won't lie, it's going to be a tough time, but with time comes new opportunities. As cliché as it sounds there ARE more fish in the sea, ones you will fall even more head over heals for. My advice is to stop being promiscuous. You wont find true love that way. Perhaps try and take more chances with love. Don't feel the need to "test" whether she is "the one", you will know when you find her. Friendship is not a good idea if you can't get over your feelings for her. Id leave this time to get completely over the "is there a chance" idea, then MAYBE you could give friendship ago.

 

Be strong during this period, getting her off your mind will take time and effort, but I know you can do it. Things like this happen to a lot of people, but they all find their happiness again, and so will you my friend. Good luck to you, and don't stay a stranger aye!

 

*+*Materia_Goddess*+*